Is anyone happy?

[Superlambaanana]

Feeling a bit despairing at the moment because I haven't been able to maintain a long term romantic relationship with a man for more than about 10 years ( actual happiness probably for a lot less, I'd say 2 -3 years max) and none of my friends or family who are still in relationships seem to be totally happy. They're still there because they need to be for the kids, or because they've no where else to go or don't want to be single etc.

None is still with their DP/DH because they really want to be there and if a genie gave them a 'perfect relationship wish' they'd all switch not stick.

Is anyone totally happy? Is it possible for a man and woman to be happy long term rather than just content enough to put up with all the shit and downsides?

Yes he is good to me, fancies me and treats me like he loves me. I would add that no one is perfect so he may occasionally do things which annoy me, and I annoy him sometimes too. We’ve been married 35 years, had many ups and downs which I think is pretty normal.

If he ever did anything deliberately nasty to me, I’d be long gone.

We have this conversation....I ask him if I won, how much would he want to bugger off? But in reality we are best friends. I'd love him to fancy me more, I'd like us to have spontaneity and spend time enjoying one another and dating. And actually money would give us time, we could afford babysitters, we wouldn't all be living on top of one another, and maybe that would afford the space to focus on us as a couple and not just as parents.
So I wouldn't be too quick to pay him off! But the money means we wouldn't feel stuck with one another.
We've had some terrible lows over the past few years. I know from my point of view finances has been the thing that has kept us together at times. So money can't buy happiness, but it would alleviate one of our main causes of stress and arguments.
I can't imagine life without him though. If it's just about "us" we are happy. Over the past 20 years there's the shared history, the in-jokes, the way our sense of humour has converged. We generally have a balance of household chores and stick to the things we're good at and mind the least (not enjoy!). I do all the running around for the kids but I genuinely get pleasure from that and DH doesn't get the same joy from the kids at all. That's the thing I'd change, I guess, and it's the source of his stress and moods. The kids are loud. They fight. They're ungrateful and keep pulling faces at carrots and broccoli. But they're getting older. It won't always be this way, and I do focus on a time when it's just us and I think we'll be ok. But, and it's huge, my attraction to DH is massively impacted by his reactions to the kids. And he doesn't see that at all.
So, are we happy? Up and down. We're not unhappy enough though to change things. Yet.
And genuinely there are times I think I could be happier alone.

Today...I'm happy enough.
Ask me next week? I might want a divorce.
Next month? Maybe we'll have had a run of 3 full nights sleep, maybe managed to have sex and maybe had an unexpected windfall...and I'd say we were happy full stop. Not just enough!

I definitely wouldn’t give up hope, it can definitely happen based on all the responses on here.

I think (as quite a few posters have said) having a partner who is also your best friend can make a world of difference.
In my case it works because we have a lot in common, have similar senses of humour and enjoy each other’s company. We’re also opposite in some ways so sort of balance each other out. I’m quite unrealistic and dreamy, whereas DH is more grounded and practical.

In no means is everything perfect all the time. Nothing in life is and, like everything else, it can take effort.

We haven’t been together as long as a lot of the posters on here. I also know that things could go wrong at anytime and nothing is guaranteed. But for now, we’re happy.

We have been together for 14yrs. Still feel the same way as we did when we met in terms of lust, but now with the added love!

I feel really happy and lucky everyday, and our relationship continues to grow, especially as we now have a child we see each other as not just lovers, but as parents too. I honestly couldn’t be happier.

I bet 80% are unhappy. Of which 50% are fecking miserable.

I'm very happy. Been with DH 16 years, married for 8 with amazing DC and I'm pregnant with our final baby. He's the best person I've ever met, even if sometimes he's the WORST because he knows how to push my buttons and rile me up. I would genuinely not want to be anywhere else but with him and that's because even when he pisses me off, he's still my favourite human being.

Romance is still there as is the physical side. He can't fancy me much in the aches and pains throes of the third trimester but he still tries 😂

Some people really are happy. I know lots of couples who aren't happy or are just going through the motions. I hope we never become that way.

I sincerely hope it stays that way for you! You speak with such love, it has made me smile. Toddlers are enough to test anyone's love.

Not as long as some PP, been together for nearly 9 years, married for 2. It gets better each year, we are very happy and besotted with one another. It does take work and actual communication though - so many times I read threads on Mumsnet and I'm like ??? just TALK to your DH/DW!

Thanks me too! We had a difficult few years of multiple miscarriages, but our love never wavered and I feel we are a very strong unit.

We see each other as equals and respect and value each other’s opinion. We split the load equally so neither of us feel resentful of each other, which really helps.

OP I'm sorry this has been your experience. I really hope that you will find the right relationship for you and a man who will treat you like you deserve.

With DH for 13 years and yeah, we're happy overall. I say overall as obviously many ups and downs with small DC, demanding jobs and not much wider family support. Life is hugely busy and we certainly don't appreciate each other as much as we should. We've even reached points where we've questioned if we should be together!

But we're best friends, we respect and still fancy each other. I love growing old with him, it's a privilege. Have I had my head turned by others? Definitely. He probably has too. I'm in this for life though, I appreciate everything he does for me and know I'm very lucky.

As PPs have said though, you need to work hard at it and that can be very challenging. Can see how the appealing option would be to seek new excitement with someone else.

Could you bottle this please?! I'd pay lots for it! Seriously though, I am really uplifted by you and others.

I wish I could! I know a lot of people will say it takes work and effort, but I honestly think a huge part of it is luck. I was just fortunate to meet someone who is both my best friend and my partner, who I love and fancy and who loves and fancies me, even through all the changes and difficulties life brings.

I would say most of my friends who I talk to (in their 50s/60s) aren't happy in their relationships.

That's not to say they're all heading to the divorce courts, but all speak of dissatisfaction in their marriage for one reason or another - these are the things they complain about (and why they stay)

Lack of sexual interest from the husband (but they generally get along well)
Husband is a chauvinist/doesn't pull his weight round the house (but they have a laugh and a good social life)
He doesn't ever plan anything/have any ideas and relies on her to sort out social life/holidays (but he's easy going and would do anything for her)
He's grumpy and never wants to do anything (but they're in their 70s and just muddle along living relatively separate lives in a lovely home)
He drinks too much (but is generally a nice guy and they have common interests)
All he's interested in is his garden and doing diy (but she likes having a nice house and he's also a nice chap)

(These are all different friends!)

I also have four friends who've left the husband/got divorced in the last three years.

Personally, I'm not totally happy in all areas of my long term marriage, but content with most of it.

My overarching feeling of DH is that he makes my life easier – and not in just a convenient way. He makes my life easier because he loves me enough to want to take care of me and I him. Our stressors can make us argumentative when we are irritable, but at a base level we are there to ease those stressors for each other. Some days I am pulling 80% and another day he will. We love each other very deeply and have a great sex life. He’s my favourite person and I’d rather spend time with him than anyone else. Been together 11yrs. Maybe it will go tits up. I’m under no illusion that things can and do.

No happy marriage that I am aware of.

i believe there are happy couples though out there but probably constitute 5-10% of married population.

Yep yep yep. 32 years. He still fancies the pants off me. I've been bigger, smaller, pregnant, wobbly, toned. In all forms he fancies me. He says it's because I'm me.
He's kind and very tolerant of my ranting and contrariness. Good communicator.
He does make annoying noises when he eats oranges though

I am. 40 years on!

26 years next month and yes, I'm happy with my relationship. Took me years to break him in, I'm fifty now and like fuck would I start over with a new one. 😁

DH and I chose to get married after 8 years together and are still very happy after 10 together.

I'm absolutely happy and content. We don't have children though, I feel like that adds an extra level of stress and hardship on a relationship.

It‘s encouraging to read that there are healthy relationships out there. It gives me a lot of hope. Right now all I see around me is utter misery.

Been with my DH nearly 13 years, so happy! Two kids, mortgage, stress but we are each other’s sanctuary in all the shit in the world. He tells me I’m beautiful all the time and we still have sex regularly. Love has grown into something calming, gentle and loving, and there is still passion (the kids get v embarrassed when we kiss in public even though a short peck 😅)

I think the reason I’m happy in my relationship is my DH seems so reasonable as a person, and we both find the same things important. He’s also kind and I find him attractive. I think finding someone attractive long term does mean you both need to some spend time on your appearance, grooming, eat well etc and making some effort, not saying you need to be skinny and perfect! But making an effort definitely helps.

I see a bad relationships on here but I cannot relate, there’s not enough posts about good relationships tbh, but as others have said it feels like bragging and doesn’t seem helpful to people having a bad time.

We are 38 years married and still very happy. It takes work though as you go through the many stages of life.

Happiness is a man made word without substance. As long you are mentally stable, caring, forgiving and nurturing woman, and in a relationship with a solid, good natured, protective and providing man, you can do a great life together and find joy in myriad of little and sometimes big things

You really do need to be best friends I think. This means sharing some fundamental traits like the same sense of humour, same faith (or lack of), same values and agreement on how you want to navigate life together, such as work, housework, admin, raising children, extended family and money!

The most important aspects to any relationship are respect and trust. If trust is broken it can never be truly repaired. So those couples that maintain trust will be the happiest.

You need to be able to talk about everything without blame, aggression or arguing. You need to listen to each other and come to agreements over every single aspect of your life. This shows that you care and means so much to the other person.

People who don't do this are unhappy in their relationships. You see it all the time on mn. I'm always amazed at how little communication some people seem to have with their partner and how they think it doesn't matter and it's normal. Well yes, it's normal if you want to join the throngs of women complaining that they do 90% of the grunt work and get called a nag if they say anything.

Or women who are waiting for a proposal when their partner insists it's the only way they will get engaged and keeps putting it off for spurious reasons. DH and I talked about marriage. We had a few long chats and decided between us when the time was right. This is a mature and adult way to enter into one of the biggest legal commitments of your life. Like I say, you have to be able to discuss everything.

I absolutely second this. My marriage(11 years) would not be where it is without continuously learning and executing the skills to be in a functional healthy relationship. I would actually say my marriage is pretty bullet proof because we have the skills and have faced really tough times yet came out of them stronger. We have a far deeper connection and level of intimacy than any relationship I've seen irl. Granted I'm only seeing the outer evidence but its a pretty good snapshot.

Women typically (not all obvs) have more relational skills and higher emotional intelligence. Finding a partner on the same level willing to put the work in continuously and sees the importance of it is key. Granted that seems harder to find in men particularly unfortunately.

Our society does not promote this at all. If everyone went to mandatory therapy for themselves before they even entered relationships they would fair much better.