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Original poster

Valentines Disappointment?

93 replies

DazedAndConfusedHere · 12/02/2024 08:15

Me and my husband have been having problems for the last 12 months. We have attended MC but didn’t see much improvement from it so stopped.

While it may seem daft to some, one of the things I said to him I have a problem with is his lack of effort for ‘events’ like birthday/valentines/christmas. Because they aren’t overly important to him, he doesn’t get that they are to me. I have explained to him that they are and I would like it if he made a bit more effort, as when these events come around I do make a lot of effort to make it special for him.

Yesterday we were out for lunch with friends and they asked what our VDay plans were, where we were going etc, and he just looked blank. No plans. I have bought a card/gift etc for him and today am planning to head to the shops to get lingerie.

On the way home I said have you really not planned anything for VDay? And he said no, I’ve got you a card.

This has upset me. Am I overreacting? What do I do?

OP posts:
Rhubarbandfennel · 12/02/2024 08:20

Massively over reacting! It's much more important how he treats you in every day life rather than an artificial, commercially driven day which is a bit of a cliche anyway.

Is he thoughtful in everyday life, considerate of your needs and wants? Is he good company - makes an effort at times, ideally other than pre prescribed days? These are the things to look for, not hearts and flowers on conventional days. IMO

PPTorPDF · 12/02/2024 08:22

Rhubarbandfennel · 12/02/2024 08:20

Massively over reacting! It's much more important how he treats you in every day life rather than an artificial, commercially driven day which is a bit of a cliche anyway.

Is he thoughtful in everyday life, considerate of your needs and wants? Is he good company - makes an effort at times, ideally other than pre prescribed days? These are the things to look for, not hearts and flowers on conventional days. IMO

Agree. Plus is it even the same if he's only doing it to make you happy? I'd feel like there was no meaning behind it and he was just doing it because he was told to.

Pinkie89 · 12/02/2024 08:23

Hopefully he’s going to surprise you. If you have been to MC and you’ve made it clear you want effort on special occasions and he still doesn’t pull his finger out then I think you need to leave or settle knowing he will never do it. I also like effort on occasions. My bf takes me somewhere every birthday and valentines and if we were to breakup I wouldn’t settle for less again. It doesn’t take a lot to make a bit of effort! If he loved you he would do it as he knows it’s important to you.

Shiningout · 12/02/2024 08:23

Well you've already got him a present and a card, why are you going out today to get lingerie aswell knowing he hasn't made an effort again, just stop making a huge effort yourself!!

TragicMuse · 12/02/2024 08:25

First thing is stop making the effort for him and his events.

Is this a small part of a much wider picture of carelessness and disregard?

He doesn't reciprocate even after you've told him it's important to you, to me that shows that he isn't bothered to think about what you like or to make any effort to meet you on that.

I'd be wondering if it was worth continuing making effort to preserve my marriage to someone who doesn't seem to bothered...

TragicMuse · 12/02/2024 08:29

TragicMuse · 12/02/2024 08:25

First thing is stop making the effort for him and his events.

Is this a small part of a much wider picture of carelessness and disregard?

He doesn't reciprocate even after you've told him it's important to you, to me that shows that he isn't bothered to think about what you like or to make any effort to meet you on that.

I'd be wondering if it was worth continuing making effort to preserve my marriage to someone who doesn't seem to bothered...

And I say that because you've said he's like this for all celebratory events.

If it was just Valentine's Day I'd say you are overreacting, if it's not, if it's everything, every opportunity to centre you or treat you or show consideration for you, then no. Not overreacting.

SamW98 · 12/02/2024 08:29

Rhubarbandfennel · 12/02/2024 08:20

Massively over reacting! It's much more important how he treats you in every day life rather than an artificial, commercially driven day which is a bit of a cliche anyway.

Is he thoughtful in everyday life, considerate of your needs and wants? Is he good company - makes an effort at times, ideally other than pre prescribed days? These are the things to look for, not hearts and flowers on conventional days. IMO

Absolutely agree. You already know it doesn’t mean anything to him - and tbh I’m with him I can’t get excited over enforced celebrations- and you’ve got him a card and gift so why are you also getting lingerie? You’re just setting yourself up for more disappointment.

I would also stuff going to so much effort for his birthdays etc. If he’s not into celebrating then you’re doing it for you not for him.

It does seem like this is a bone of contention that you’re completely incompatible on.

IggOrEgg · 12/02/2024 08:29

I guess the wider issues involve him not making much effort generally? Personally I find Valentine’s Day contrived nonsense BUT if my husband and I were having marriage difficulties and I’d explained clearly that it was important to me to get a card and flowers / chocolates / a small gift (?!) and that it would upset me not to receive this, then yes, I would be upset if he ‘only’ got a card. The token valentines gifts are little effort to arrange and buy.
I think if you’re expecting a whole massive date day / evening, and expensive gifts, I would be inclined to say you need to adjust your expectations a bit.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 12/02/2024 08:30

The people saying not a big deal I think are really missing the point. The OP has expressed in marriage counselling that she needs him to show up for her on special days, that it will make her feel valued and special. Him doing nothing means he hasn't heard her. The PP saying it's how he treats her the other days of the year, I am guessing given the MC things haven't been too rosy. I think you need to clearly articulate what it is you want again but also consider he may never give you that, if so are you willing to stick around or is that a deal breaker for you. If you haven't maybe consider some individual counsellor for yourself to work through what your bottom line is and what you need.

ZenNudist · 12/02/2024 08:31

You should communicate. Say "I am getting you s valentine's card and present and expect you to do the same". In January you should have booked a table at a restaurant you like and agreed to go out.

We don't bother with V Day. Complete waste of money. If it matters to you, organise something. You cant expect DH to be psychic.

Don't bother with lingerie. You're a marketers dream. Presumably you have something you could wear to similar effect?

HermioneWeasley · 12/02/2024 08:31

It’s more important how he behaves every other day - is he supportive, does he pull his weight around the house and with the kids, is he kind?

IsaidIwouldAndIwill · 12/02/2024 08:33

Rhubarbandfennel · 12/02/2024 08:20

Massively over reacting! It's much more important how he treats you in every day life rather than an artificial, commercially driven day which is a bit of a cliche anyway.

Is he thoughtful in everyday life, considerate of your needs and wants? Is he good company - makes an effort at times, ideally other than pre prescribed days? These are the things to look for, not hearts and flowers on conventional days. IMO

this

My husband has never been romantic or made any effort on Valentine's day, Christmas, my birthday, etc. I get a card (bought the day before), but he's looked after me when I've been ill (a LOT), he's been a good provider, makes me laugh, cooks, does things in the house. Married 45 years

RandomForest · 12/02/2024 08:33

What is it with men, you give em a huge sign post saying this is what will make me happy and keep me devoted to you and well they seem to do the opposite, contrary beings who feign forgetfulness.

Frankly I think most do it purposely, maybe they have a built in destruction button for unity and remaining with one woman because the only result is the relationship gets chipped down with resentment till there's nothing left.

It's crazy really, what's the point ?

Wictc · 12/02/2024 08:33

Isn’t buying a card making an effort? Do you expect him to get you a present as well? Just say that you really like some flowers (or equivalent). I don’t know anyone in a marriage who buys presents for Valentine’s Day, it wouldn’t occur to me, may not to him either, he probably thinks a card is making an effort.

Canasta12 · 12/02/2024 08:35

He said he bought a card? Does he need to go some love heart boxers to make you happy?

Rhubarbandfennel · 12/02/2024 08:38

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 12/02/2024 08:30

The people saying not a big deal I think are really missing the point. The OP has expressed in marriage counselling that she needs him to show up for her on special days, that it will make her feel valued and special. Him doing nothing means he hasn't heard her. The PP saying it's how he treats her the other days of the year, I am guessing given the MC things haven't been too rosy. I think you need to clearly articulate what it is you want again but also consider he may never give you that, if so are you willing to stick around or is that a deal breaker for you. If you haven't maybe consider some individual counsellor for yourself to work through what your bottom line is and what you need.

She's said she wants him to behave differently on V Day etc, but he has also said its not valued by him. Maybe a compromise on a card and cook a meal together is the right way forward. Personally I think tackling the daily treatment (if its less than ideal) is way more important than getting him onboard with events/gifts that he has already said are meaningless to him. As they are to most sane people tbh.

OhVienna24 · 12/02/2024 08:38

Does he appreciate the effort you make? Will he like the lingerie? I wouldn’t bother myself especially as he has told you he only got you a card. If you want to do something, can’t you ask him to book a restaurant?

Mammma91 · 12/02/2024 08:40

Is he thoughtful generally, day to day? Affectionate, caring etc? Does he know what your expectations are for such events, like Valentine’s Day? I think it depends on what you’re looking for really.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 12/02/2024 08:43

i Think YABU. He’s allowed to not need the fake hype of valentines, going out is alway ridiculous and overpriced.

Netcam · 12/02/2024 08:44

Rhubarbandfennel · 12/02/2024 08:20

Massively over reacting! It's much more important how he treats you in every day life rather than an artificial, commercially driven day which is a bit of a cliche anyway.

Is he thoughtful in everyday life, considerate of your needs and wants? Is he good company - makes an effort at times, ideally other than pre prescribed days? These are the things to look for, not hearts and flowers on conventional days. IMO

Totally agree.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 12/02/2024 08:46

Rhubarbandfennel · 12/02/2024 08:20

Massively over reacting! It's much more important how he treats you in every day life rather than an artificial, commercially driven day which is a bit of a cliche anyway.

Is he thoughtful in everyday life, considerate of your needs and wants? Is he good company - makes an effort at times, ideally other than pre prescribed days? These are the things to look for, not hearts and flowers on conventional days. IMO

This! Are people really saying they'd rather a present bought because of emotional blackmail not because 'I saw this and thought of you' would be better?
We've been together nearly 20 years, rarely do Valentines or even remember anniversary but as day to day stuff do caring and thoughtful 'small stuff' which I feel is far more important.

Original poster
DazedAndConfusedHere · 12/02/2024 08:49

Thanks all - maybe I am overreacting.

I agree, V Day is very much a commercial thing, but I would like to feel special every now and then. And think because I have communicated to him I would like him to make more effort than his usual zero, it shows he doesn’t listen.

Last V Day he spent the evening in the PlayStation with friends so I guess I’m still hoping for more than that!

In reference to a few other comments, yes things are not good in general and haven’t been for a while which is why we were in MC. Day to day there are a lot of issues we are having, so I think I thought this would be a chance to make it special for each other.

OP posts:
Netcam · 12/02/2024 08:49

Wictc · 12/02/2024 08:33

Isn’t buying a card making an effort? Do you expect him to get you a present as well? Just say that you really like some flowers (or equivalent). I don’t know anyone in a marriage who buys presents for Valentine’s Day, it wouldn’t occur to me, may not to him either, he probably thinks a card is making an effort.

Exactly. DH has never bought me flowers in our whole 12 years together, he's not a flowers buying type of person and we rarely go to restaurants. But he is kind, considerate, helpful, supportive and the love of my life. We do get each other a card (although this year I got him a special little chocolate cake instead, but don't expect a present from him).

Whattodowithit88 · 12/02/2024 08:49

I don’t think it is over reacting at all, when your a couple only one person can romance you, make you feel loved and desired and special to him, so why should you miss out on that because your with him? He needs to step up or he may find one day someone else will be doing it for you.

Adhdsleeeep · 12/02/2024 08:50

I don’t know - she’s told him it’s important to her. However silly he might think it is, it’s important to her!

However, would it not be as nice if you organised something? Do you need it to be him to organise the surprise? Why can’t it be you? And he organises a card for you?

Calmly, I’d suggest telling him again - you know it’s not an occasion he cares much about, but you do, so you need it. Don’t say it in a fight, but in a reasonable conversation where he won’t feel the need to get defensive.

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