Valentines Disappointment?

[DazedAndConfusedHere]

Me and my husband have been having problems for the last 12 months. We have attended MC but didn’t see much improvement from it so stopped.

While it may seem daft to some, one of the things I said to him I have a problem with is his lack of effort for ‘events’ like birthday/valentines/christmas. Because they aren’t overly important to him, he doesn’t get that they are to me. I have explained to him that they are and I would like it if he made a bit more effort, as when these events come around I do make a lot of effort to make it special for him.

Yesterday we were out for lunch with friends and they asked what our VDay plans were, where we were going etc, and he just looked blank. No plans. I have bought a card/gift etc for him and today am planning to head to the shops to get lingerie.

On the way home I said have you really not planned anything for VDay? And he said no, I’ve got you a card.

This has upset me. Am I overreacting? What do I do?

I think if you've made it clear in MC then yes he should make a bit of effort. What would you like him to do? But flowers? Cook a meal?
Me and my DH don't do Valentine's Day but we do make an effort for birthdays and Christmas

Return his gift and don't buy the lingerie.
Spend the money to buy something special that you want and make sure you tell him "I bought this as a Valentine's gift to myself".
Do you have children? If yes then get them some valentine treats like chocolates or cupcakes - so you and the children are celebrating. Get them to make some homemade crafts/decorations (obviously depending on their age).
He might get the point that you enjoy these celebrations.....or he might not and you will have to figure out how to live with that.

I don’t think compelling him to treat you to gifts on a prescribed day proves or solves anything.

If you want him to make you feel special, that needs to come from him on whatever day he chooses.

Generally speaking, Valentine's Day is commercialised shite and I would say you're overreacting.

BUT. Your marriage is struggling. You've been doing marriage counselling not really made progress. If I were him, knowing these 'events' are important to you, Valentine's Day would be a golden opportunity for him to show he's really trying to work on your marriage. It would be a well timed gesture, rather than being about Valentine's Day itself.

It would really hurt and make me question the future of the marriage if this never occurred to him tbh.

There has to be a compromise where both of your needs are met. He doesn’t want present and card buying, but you want a token of appreciation…how about he cooks a special meal for you both?
He deserves to be heard equally.

My DP gets incredibly anxious around present buying, sadly his ex wife and adult daughter have belittled any present that doesn’t meet their exacting expectations…we don’t do present buying anymore, my decision, but he puts effort in to showing he loves me every day and I’m happy with that.

This is exactly how I feel. I guess it’s not so much around Valentines itself, it’s that it’s another opportunity where he could have, but hasn’t.

I've learnt that people on MN haaate Valentines so the responses here are coloured by that. But OP also mentions Christmas and birthdays in her post.

He's got you a card. Is that a step in the right direction? Would you have had a card last year? I think you've got to be clearer with him. As for 'plans for the day' I think most couples plan this together. For example, we picked up some steaks at the weekend.

If you want to buy lingerie, buy it because you want it, not for him.

You say he's not listening to you, but you're also not listening to him.

He doesn't want to make a big deal out of Valentine's Day so you need to talk to him and come up with something that suits both of you.

I also don't really understand why you'd want flowers or a gift bought under duress - surely that's worse than getting nothing?

It’s not so much about the flowers or gift themselves, it’s that he won’t have thought ‘this is important to her, so I’ll get something as she’ll like it’.

I think it’s more frustration about the mismatched levels of effort. Motorbike racing and watching West Ham aren’t at all important to me but are to him so I’ve been to watch him race and I’ve gone to games with him.

I guess that’s why I feel like, booking a table and buying the flowers because it’s important to me, isn’t much to ask?

Motorbike racing and watching West Ham aren’t at all important to me but are to him so I’ve been to watch him race and I’ve gone to games with him.

Would he care if you didn't?

I personally think YABU caring about VD, birthdays etc.

However, YANBU in expecting more effort this year and from here on in. Your marriage is on the rocks, you've TOLD him these days are important to you. If he doesn't listen then to me, it appears he's just not bothered.

100%. I’d be accused of being miserable and not wanting to take an interest in things he is in to.

@DazedAndConfusedHere then stop.

Let him see how you feel.

Erm I rather my hubby is great every day than just particularly days

Any idea where I can get one from? 😂

It's important to you so it is important. But it's not important for a lot of people.

Ii don't celebrate my birthday. There are complex reasons for this so I'm not going to say no adults should but I don't. And that's OK.

I also don't 'celebrate' Valentine's Day. I think it's tacky and a bit naff and the thought of people shopping en masse for supermarket roses, teddy bears, chocolates and lingerie makes me feel feel uncomfortable!

But I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone for whom those things were important. I know a lot of people will say men don't like Valentine's Day and only do it for their partners but I've known (and dated) men for whom it was very important!

I couldn't have 'made an effort' for those days anymore than you can not care about them because I find it excruciating 😅

Imagine a situation that you'd find excruciatingly embarrassing - standing on stage in a silly costume singing or whatever it is that would make you feel really uncomfortable. Or the thought of having to eat something you find the thought of really disgusting.

Imagine how you'd feel at the anticipation of it? Knowing it was expected of you but you couldn't do it with any degree of comfort or sincerity.

Imagine it was really important for someone else but you couldn't really understand why and didn't see what relevance it has to your relationship.

That's how 'making an effort' for Valentine's Day would make me feel. And has, which is how I know what it feels like!

I'm trying to imagine shopping for a mass produced card or lingerie for a special Valentine's treat. God it's toe curlingly unbearable!

Some people are apathetic and some people really, really don't like it. It's not as simple as 'making an effort'.

My partner and I love each other and he is wonderful really every day. Even when I'm not. But he won't be getting a Valentine's card from me and I won't be getting one from him. Thankfully.

If you don't feel loved, cherished or cared for every other day of the year then that is a problem that is not going to be resolved by exchanging a bit of tat on 14th February.

And that is the real issue.

I think a lot of posters have overlooked that they are already in marriage counselling, and day to day things are not good

And that OP has asked for a kind of validation, which if it happened would give her a bit of faith that things can change for the better

I don’t think this is about Valentine’s Day at all. It’s about OP - whose marriage is already weakening - seeking a specific form of validation (which she has expressed - not expecting mind-reading).

And it’s not been forthcoming. And her DH didn’t tell her that he wasn’t going to step up (eg “I really can’t get worked up about Valentine’s itself as I think it’s over-commercial crap, but I’ll XYZ instead”)

Rather he just fell short, and would have left OP to be disappointed - again - on the day

No idea why - does he not listen? - does he not understand? - can he not negotiate if something OP wants doesn’t suit him?

Keep going with the counselling - and consider individual counselling too

Don't buy the lingerie and play the pick me game.

He isn't interested in what you want. That's the crux of it.

On that basis, you need to decide what to do next. You are already in counselling so if he isn't even listening there, what real hope do you have for the future?

Save the money on the fancy underwear and buy yourself something you really want.

Op it's just commercial stuff- I understand that the pressure to celebrate and do something, but there's plenty of people who do nothing.l and it's fine.

To me this is about you having expressly told him you want him to make an effort on these days and he is ignoring that it matters to you.

Sure how he treats you every day matters more but ignoring a specific request? That's awful if this is him working on your marriage!

He could have arranged to cook dinner and spend the evening with you properly even if at home.

Over a year we do nice stuff for each other but it doesn't match dates on a calendar ot is just whenever, but if it is not important to him then I owuld find it odd to have the attitude 'well I go the extra mile for him so I want it in return' if I do something for my husband it is because I want too

The way he is to me overall is more important to me than the event

How old is he? Spending all day on his PlayStation with friends is weird for an adult.

@Ulysees why? Plenty of adults are gamers.
(not really relevant to the OPs situation - but such a patronising statement)

@Needmorelego most adults wouldn't spend all night playing with their friends on Valentine's knowing their OH finds such events important. And actually I don't know any adult who is in a relationship that who would play all night with friends. It's ignorant. Different if they both play.