Valentines Disappointment?

[DazedAndConfusedHere]

Me and my husband have been having problems for the last 12 months. We have attended MC but didn’t see much improvement from it so stopped.

While it may seem daft to some, one of the things I said to him I have a problem with is his lack of effort for ‘events’ like birthday/valentines/christmas. Because they aren’t overly important to him, he doesn’t get that they are to me. I have explained to him that they are and I would like it if he made a bit more effort, as when these events come around I do make a lot of effort to make it special for him.

Yesterday we were out for lunch with friends and they asked what our VDay plans were, where we were going etc, and he just looked blank. No plans. I have bought a card/gift etc for him and today am planning to head to the shops to get lingerie.

On the way home I said have you really not planned anything for VDay? And he said no, I’ve got you a card.

This has upset me. Am I overreacting? What do I do?

'Because they aren’t overly important to him, he doesn’t get that they are to me. I have explained to him that they are and I would like it if he made a bit more effort, as when these events come around I do make a lot of effort to make it special for him. '

Why are you making an effort to make it special for him when he's told you that those days aren't overly important to him?

I don't celebrate Mother's Day and would be annoyed if my husband made a fuss of that day.

A ‘special’ Valentine’s Day is not going to magically fix your marriage.
Things like Valentine’s Day are not a good indicator of a good husband or a good relationship. The day to day stuff is what matters. If you’ve not got that then one big gesture isn’t going to change anything.

You can’t force him to care about Valentine’s Day and any “effort” he puts in would be totally forced. I never really understand what’s so meaningful about a generic bunch of flowers and jewellery from Pandora. It’s not exactly thoughtful is it?

Thoughtfulness comes from how someone behaves the rest of the time. We don’t really go in for V day. We might get fish and chips this Wednesday. We won’t get each other a card etc. but in our daily life DH is a good and thoughtful partner, he tells me he loves me often, he buys he things spontaneously because he thinks they will brighten my day (not usually anything big, maybe just the chocolate I like if he happens to go to the shops). It’s so easy to “perform” on Valentine’s Day but it doesn’t mean anything because a million other men are doing the same.

As for the lingerie, you are setting yourself up for increased disappointment when you already know it’s not an important day to him.

I don’t think you’re over reacting. Birthdays and anniversaries matter to me so dh and I make a huge effort. Valentines is more low key now (but that’s a mutual choice due to DD’s birthday over shadowing etc). The key here is you’ve told him you want it to matter and he’s dismissed that. That’s the part that’s hard to deal with.

Absolutely agree. We only do cards.

As for the lingerie, you are setting yourself up for increased disappointment when you already know it’s not an important day to him.

Definitely agree with this.

I agree with those who say it’s all commercialised rubbish - which in reality it is.

However it’s very disheartening when there are a lot of men who will go out of their way to do lovely romantic gestures for their girlfriends/ partners/ wives on Valentine’s Day. Buy them gifts, have flower’s delivered to home or work, run them a hot bath, take them out for a meal. And it’s hard to sit there and watch this happen before your eyes and not feel a tad jealous when you have someone at home who doesn’t make the effort.

However, I don’t agree with having to ‘tell’ him that you want a gift and for him to make you feel special. If you do that then you know he’s only doing it because you asked him to and not because he wants to. Personally, I think if he can’t be arsed to make the effort with you, then why the hell are you even bothering to buy him a gift and nice lingerie if he isn’t going to put the same amount of effort in? I’d be inclined to go one better and just not bother getting him anything, including a card. Don’t even mention Valentine’s Day at all. I just cannot understand why you’d go to so much effort when he doesn’t even appreciate it.

My H is exactly the same as this! He asked me last night if I wanted a Valentine's Day card!!! I said if you have to ask, fucking forget it!! Didn't get a Christmas card or birthday card either. He's so hit and miss with it all, either do it or don't. And he knows full well that a card means more to me than presents! But... He buys me all I want all year round and brings me treats home regularly... So I can't really grumble. After all, apart from birthdays, the other two are all commercialised crap anyway! I know follow my best mates mantra... Don't expect anything, then you're not disappointed! ❤

You're not being unreasonable at all.

You have communicated what's Important to you. Him ignoring that sends the glaringly obvious message that he doesn't care about the relationship. If marriage counselling isn't giving him the kick up the arse he needs to realise he is at last chance saloon then he deserves to lose you.

It's not about valentines day, it's about listening to your partner and showing them they are important. The bar is so bloody low for men they get so complacent. If he was single and dating let's say he has started dating insert top supermodels name here. He wouldn't be buying flowers card taking her to a restaurant, listening to her? They sure can put the effort in when it's a conquest.

Men are capable it's about wanting to do it. Personally for me life is too short to spend it with someone who can't be arsed. I'd not be doing a thing for valentines day for him op. Treat yourself instead.

Why are you buying lingerie? 😆
The marriage is in the shitter, believe the man-he openly does not care about you. Despite you begging for tiny things that would make you happy, he refuses, could not care less. You're flogging a dead horse, wasting your time and degrading yourself.

My partner is exactly the same, I think after a while I've just gotten used to it and don't make much of an effort on his birthday, christmas present etc.

Met my first husband in the final year of my teaching degree. We got engaged and moved into a rented flat after a year.First valentines day after moving in he didn't even bother with a card. His comment was " Well we live together now so why do I need to bother". Oh how I wish I could go back to that day ,walk away and save myself the years of misery. If he isn't bothered now after all the discussions you have had he will never be bothered.My second husband is an absolutely wonderful, thoughtful man. You'll never find one of those whilst you're stuck with the one you've got now.

Honestly, just STOP making any effort for him for Valentines/birthdays/Christmas. He’s said it doesn’t interest him so take him at his word. You’ll only truly find out whether he’s genuinely not fussed about marking occasions if you stop doing those things for him.

That still doesn’t mean he gets to make no effort for you on those occasions - it can be his way of reciprocating your support for his motorbikes, footie etc. If he still fails to step up then stop going to his events and throw his accusations of being miserable and uninterested back to him or just dump the selfish fucker

Btw when people say they’d rather have year-round thoughtfulness from their partner than commercialised rubbish on one day - there are plenty of partners out there who manage to do both! Of course grand gestures in an otherwise miserable relationship aren’t going to solve anything but likewise enjoying these events within an already good relationship just feels like a lovely bonus so I get why someone would want that.

I’m not overly fussed about Valentines day - we’re going on a deeply romantic day trip to the National Space Centre with the kids 😆 but the point is that in marriage counselling the OP has clearly said to DH that this is her ‘love language’ and that being made to feel special and cherished on ‘occasion’ days is important to her. If he still CBA to pull his finger out I think that says your happiness is just not that important.
It matters that you are ‘known’ by your spouse. I’d be flummoxed if DH turned up with a dozen red roses, perfectly happy with a packet of my favourite sweets and a jokey card. But I know he would gladly buy the roses if he knew that’s what I wanted.

I agree with pp - if your marriage was in a good place there's a good chance you wouldn't be bothered about Valentines at all. FOr the last few years me and DH have agreed not to even get a card for each other. But we do make a bit of fuss at birthdays and Christmas, and we tell, and show, that we love each other on a daily basis. So Valentines becomes just a commercial irrelevance.

But I totally understand your point. This is an issue in your marriage that you've talked about, and he still doesn't appear to be making an effort. That said - maybe he sees getting a card as making an effort? Most adults I know either do nothing for Valentines or buy a card. Within that context, he's made a fairly normal level of effort.

In any case, I would return his gifts and don't buy the lingerie. You'll set yourself up to feel worse, have wasted money (he genuinely doesn't seem to bother about Valentines, so you're kind of ignoring his feelings by buying stuff). And if he does like the gifts, he's been 'rewarded' while you feel hurt.

But this is much bigger than Valentines isn't it. Is it time to review whether you are compatible full stop? Does he make you happy? Do you feel loved and supported?

I think the PP saying they think OP is overreacting because they also don't rate valentine's day are missing the point.

I don't rate certain TV shows but I watch them with DH because he enjoys it. He isn't particularly into sewing, but he comes with me to quilt shows and engages with it because it makes me happy.

Many more examples obviously, but isn't part of being in a romantic relationship doing things that you're not bothered by purely because they make the person you love happy? OP has told him that making an effort on Valentines Day would make her feel happy, he doesn't care about her happiness enough to bother. That's a pretty big problem in a marriage!

There is a mismatched effort in your relationship, you have recognised this and asked for councelling for him to understand.

These sessions have done nothing to make him understand, maybe purposefully he is denying what you want and need.

There's not much you can do if someone refuses to step up.

The only thing you can do is act accordingly and reciprocate with the same ammount of effort as he does, otherwise you will be constantly let down, humiliated and hurt but this is not the relationship you want so I would end it and find another.

He's never going to listen.

If he now knows how important it is to you, then why doesn't he make an effort ?

Bit radical but why don’t you book a table? Why don’t you cover the bed in rose petals or whatever you are in to?

Why should he make an effort if you don’t?

She's got him and card and lingerie.
He doesn't care about her wants and the marriage is obviously over, anyway.

This sounds like the sort of creeping resentment I experienced in my marriage. My exH was a lovely guy and we met and married and very quickly after marriage he stopped making any effort. That included not making effort with the chores, with small gestures (like making me a coffee when he made himself one), like presents / occasions. Once I had my DD it just got worse. He was distant and self absorbed and I carried on putting in 90% of all effort in our house to earn and to keep home and to mum and to deal with cars and gardens etc.. He just looked after himself.

This would all come to a head on occasions like Valentines day. I wanted him to recognise what I did and for once make a bit of an effort to show me he appreciated me and loved me... and he didn't! I'd get annoyed and people would say "it's a hallmark sponsored event, don't be silly".

It's not about the card or the meal or the diamond ring. It's about showing he cares on this day because he isn't showing it the rest of the time.

In my opinion you are not being unreasonable. I got divorced in the end and am now happily dating a guy who is excited to get me gifts on hallmark days but also makes me a coffee when I'm tired, puts laundry on and pulls his weight all round.

Why are you making a huge effort running around getting him this and that when he's not giving you any effort back?

Why don't you spend the money on a huge bunch of flowers FOR YOURSELF!? C'mon girl, you know better than this!

You seem like very different people OP
I don't think there's any right or wrong
I mean is this a deal breaker? And no if not let it go (the anger).

Look just talk and come to an agreement about things like this. This is what we do. As regards V Day we do not buy presents or give cards to each other . We don't need anything and feel that it is a waste environmentally. We do send and say a special little message. When I first met him he was very laid back about things like birthdays etc as it was not a big thing in his family. We have come to an amicable settlement on these things now - he buys presents and cards 😂

I can ceratinly understand the OP being upset by nothing on Valentine's day. Some might not be bothered, but most would be. And the very fact it matters a lot to her means it matters a lot.