Valentines Disappointment?

[DazedAndConfusedHere]

Me and my husband have been having problems for the last 12 months. We have attended MC but didn’t see much improvement from it so stopped.

While it may seem daft to some, one of the things I said to him I have a problem with is his lack of effort for ‘events’ like birthday/valentines/christmas. Because they aren’t overly important to him, he doesn’t get that they are to me. I have explained to him that they are and I would like it if he made a bit more effort, as when these events come around I do make a lot of effort to make it special for him.

Yesterday we were out for lunch with friends and they asked what our VDay plans were, where we were going etc, and he just looked blank. No plans. I have bought a card/gift etc for him and today am planning to head to the shops to get lingerie.

On the way home I said have you really not planned anything for VDay? And he said no, I’ve got you a card.

This has upset me. Am I overreacting? What do I do?

@DazedAndConfusedHere

lifebeginsaftercoffee
Motorbike racing and watching West Ham aren’t at all important to me but are to him so I’ve been to watch him race and I’ve gone to games with him.

Would he care if you didn't?

100%. I’d be accused of being miserable and not wanting to take an interest in things he is in to.

Then he's being rather hypocritical isn't he? How does he explain the mismatch of expectations? 🌹

In most circumstances I'd be saying yes, you are over reacting as I'm not one for romance by numbers and agree it's the day to day and the spontaneous that demonstrates feelings. However, I think your situation is different because you're both supposed to be working on making it better. You have given him pretty unambiguous instructions as to what better looks like for you, and they're not hard ones either. An idiot could go find a 'romantic' gift this week simply by going into any shop anywhere. No imagination required. Yet he couldn't be bothered. Which doesn't say a lot for his desire to please you.

No I l wouldn't care about a gift or even a card. We've agreed we're not getting gifts or anything for it.

However we will cook something together and maybe watch a film. I would be a bit annoyed if he sat on the PlayStation all evening. But this would annoy me in general as we get limited time together

I guess that your love language is gifts, and his is not?

I think the key is not to expect anything, and be pleasantly surprised by a card.

I don't think you should get him anything, if it makes you feel bad that you got him something and he didn't get you anything

Tomorrow, I am going shopping to buy some chocolate for me on dh bank card, and a hobby item for him on my bank card, both gifts things we want, and have agreed on, and each having the same/ similar monetary value.

Valentine's day is not a hill. Don't die on it.

You know what I completely agree that this isn't a "hill to die on" - actually, it is in my opinion.

It's the fact that he seems to think his interests are so important and what he wants is top priority whereas what you want and appreciate isn't that important and "just stop making a big deal". I can't actually believe there are women on here who are like "oh don't worry about it and stop being so ridiculous - it's just Valentines Day".

Honestly it's an opportunity for him to show that he sees her, cares about her and thinks of her, and I think most would agree that they'd like their partners to do just that, especially when she's considered "miserable" for not wanting to watch racing or football.

If it was me I'd be deeply disappointed - oh wait, it WAS me. I left because I was sick of putting up with someone elses priorities while mine were constantly ignored and brushed over.

I meant I completely DISAGREE sorry. Can't edit.

I think to some people you are appearing unrealistic and wanting a special Valentines day that to a lot of people is a commercial contrived farce. But beneath the surface it’s obvious that it’s a symptom of your resentment in the general lack of effort. I think the fact he’s bought a card means he is listening a bit but if you want a big show for all these occasions you’re with the wrong guy.

I too think that Valentines is commercialised rubbish. But considering you are struggling he should have made an effort because it made YOU happy. I am in a similar situation and was hoping for bit of effort, he came home from the bar and handed me a lolly pop. I mean really. More hurtful that nothing really.

I don't understand why valentines day is pointed out as the commercial rubbish. So is Easter, so is Christmas, so is bloody mothers and fathers day but NOBODY seems to say "oh i'm not doing it because it's a bag of balls" on those days do they?

I'm aware that two of them are religious holidays but are you going to tell me that most people REALLY care about Easter because it's the resurrection of Jesus Christ rather than the fact that Cadburys buttons eggs are fucking awesome and baby chickens are cute.

But no... when it comes to Valentines Day... a day to celebrate the love of your partner... that's a load of bs. Mothers day/Fathers day however? Oh goodness no, we must book lunch becuase we'll upset our elders.

Uh huh.

It's obviously not going to come from him though is it?

Yes, and I wonder if all the people rejecting it for being 'commercial' are people who never take part in any excessive consumption or are they only anti-commercial on certain days.

You are overreacting. I find it very weird when women insist on getting gifts. It's not meaningful if it isn't done spontaneously. You're essentially forcing him to go out and buy you something.

I was thinking the same as that poster. Ok he is not listening to you but you are not listening to him either. He doesn’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, but apparently he has to because you want to. You are giving him what you want rather than what he wants and he is doing the same, although with at least a slight nod to your preferences since he got a card.

And if you are having trouble in the marriage, a valentines present isnt going to fix it.

My parents were married over 40 years before my dad died and he always got my mum lovely flowers on Valentine’s Day and her absolute favourite perfume on birthdays as it was expensive. We all have different love languages. If I expressed the things that make me feel good and I was ignored I would feel rubbish. What’s the point if we can’t make an effort and do something to make the other person feel a happy. I do things that don’t seem important to me because they are important to him. He has a hobby that I find not that exciting but I listen attentively and we go to places where he can look at what he likes and visa versa. Life is too short to not be happy. It’s not like he is fishing in the dark. He knows what to do he could do it if he wanted to.

I love Valentine’s Day. I get a little something for my little loves also..I love an occasion, nice food nice drink nice cuddle what more can you want!

I think people are often embarrassed to say that it mean a lot to them. I think it means a great deal to many people, even if they wish it did not.

I agree, brilliantly put.

I suppose males in the wild don’t generally stay with one partner.