Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

[Timefordrama]

If you'd rather just walk away, then do it. No need to get at whatever 'truth' he gives you. If he's admitting he's not emotionally connected, then there's nothing worth staying for.

[Whatachliche]

yes, thats the advice I would give.
But somehow it feels undoable after 25 years together. It doesn't help that he expresses confusion and describes his feelings as not sure what to do. He wants a separation but he isn't sure about it. He wants to move out but cant say that he wants a divorce. He is cold and won't touch me, not even in a non sexual way.
His indecision feels quite selfish and like he wants me to force into making a decision for him.

[ButterBastardBeans]

He's trying to get you to drop the axe, that's why

[Grendell]

My dad did this after 20+ years of marriage. He moved out so he could test drive the mistress.

Then guilt would set in and he would move back in. And then out. And then back in. And then finally out for the last time.

[hmmmwhattodo]

@Whatachliche

yes, thats the advice I would give.
But somehow it feels undoable after 25 years together. It doesn't help that he expresses confusion and describes his feelings as not sure what to do. He wants a separation but he isn't sure about it. He wants to move out but cant say that he wants a divorce. He is cold and won't touch me, not even in a non sexual way.
His indecision feels quite selfish and like he wants me to force into making a decision for him.

That's exactly what he wants you to do. He's telling you in so many ways he doesn't want you. He isn't confused, he just doesn't want to be the one to call it a day. I really feel for you, but you know what you have to do.

[ButterBastardBeans]

My ex came out with the same old clart. Literally word for word. I was wrangling my Dads illness at the time and was exhausted and run down so I didn't confront and decided to just go grey rock but watch. It soon became evident he had another woman. I booted him out but he framed it as him leaving to be with her. He asked to come back after six weeks but I said no and bought him out of the house. It was all a pathetic mid life thing. He bought a big bike and turned into a totally different person. It hurt like hell at the time but now I can't see why I was even with him.

[Whatachliche]

Thanks for your replies. I feel you are all correct - my head understands this is the most logical explanation.
My heart is refusing to believe it. It is something that is crystal clear from the outside, but feels messy and can't-be-real from where I'm standing.

I don't know what to do. I thought we'd grow old together.

[Bestlife18]

Really sorry you are going through this. I would suspect he has met someone. The joining gym, new underwear and “work trip” are all indicators. My ex behaved very suspiciously in the few weeks before he said “he was ending our relationship” and over the course of the next few months I found out he had been up to all sorts. He also started going running again, bought new clothes and was being very aloof. It’s like they do it to make you push the button.

[MissedItByThisMuch]

Yeah he’s either hedging his bets while giving the OW a test run, or wanting to make you the bad guy so he can play the victim. Or a bit of both probably.

[Whatachliche]

I just wish he had the courage to be honest.
I also don't understand why I'm emotionally refusing to accept whats clearly happening.
What's my process here, besides talking to a therapist. Do I wait for it all come out, do I do the dirty work of ending it after 25 years for him? Do I make it as hard as possible for him?

[Pashazade]

Do it the way that suits you. Decide how you want to proceed. You can go grey rock and concentrate on what is best for you. Take control of proceedings, if that means you're the one to end things you can do it with a clear conscience however much he may state there's no one else, thousands of women's experiences would suggest otherwise. Look after you, screw him.

[Aikko]

"after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants."

He knows exactly what he wants, and it's another other woman he has an interest in.

[RandomMess]

Think I would do lots of "sounds like you need to make a decision, I can't do it for you. I'm staying here, up to you if you want to end our marriage and leave"

Meanwhile start getting your ducks in a row, including recommendations for a great solicitor that gets good results in your situation.

[Gcsunnyside23]

I would be loathe to do his dirty work for him. That's what he wants here. He wants to remain the 'good guy' and the wronged. It's infuriating and I would stonewall him

[Bonbon21]

But you are not doing the dirty work for him.. you are being the adult in the relationship!
Take charge of your own life.. ducks on a row , see a solicitor, get the papers sent to him.
Sort the wee souls confusion out for him.
Then see how confused he feels!
The whole world is out there waiting for you.. you dont do the dance for him.. you are worth more.
You can do this.

[JodieFostersFurHood]

People never expect to get divorced but it is really very common. I would ask him to move out if he feels like that and you take the time to think about how you proceed or want to do. He can't say the word D. Just like my ex. Have you asked him if he wants a divorce? In my experience ( and of friends) they start like this and go through the motions eg counselling but have no intentions of changing their thoughts or minds. It's hard I know.We never think it will be us.

[TheShellBeach]

I'd initiate the duck protocol, find a good solicitor and make him do the hard work.

Don't let him know you've figured out that he has another woman.

[Channellingsophistication]

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he has met someone and the indecision is him hoping you will end the marriage instead of him having to. Its a massive shock I know and its hard to process.

He needs to decide, If he wants to end the marriage, he needs to leave.

[TheShellBeach]

He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. He's doing his best to get you to kick him out.
Don't give him the satisfaction.

[Pinkbonbon]

Honestly I'd just call him on it. With both barrels.

'Wah wah wah my name is John I'm such a fucking coward that I don't have the balls to end my relationship so I'm hoping my wife will do it for me if I keep acting like a total loser. I'm probably also cheating but thats neither here nor there because who cares really, because I'm a whinging, mindnumbing little snotball.

"Fine John, fine. I'll be the one with the cahonies- it's over, pack your shit and fuck off. Because I'm so fucking bored with you're self entitlement whiney shit! Toddle off and stay with whoever else will have you. Good luck to her I say!'.

And say it all with with a deadpan expression whilst doing something mundane like smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee.

Then at least you can look back and say you were a boss bitch when he tried to hit you with the script.

[Talkamongstyourselves]

@Pinkbonbon

Honestly I'd just call him on it. With both barrels.

'Wah wah wah my name is John I'm such a fucking coward that I don't have the balls to end my relationship so I'm hoping my wife will do it for me if I keep acting like a total loser. I'm probably also cheating but thats neither here nor there because who cares really, because I'm a whinging, mindnumbing little snotball.

"Fine John, fine. I'll be the one with the cahonies- it's over, pack your shit and fuck off. Because I'm so fucking bored with you're self entitlement whiney shit! Toddle off and stay with whoever else will have you. Good luck to her I say!'.

And say it all with with a deadpan expression whilst doing something mundane like smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee.

Then at least you can look back and say you were a boss bitch when he tried to hit you with the script.

Edited

I did something similar to this suggestion.

"Wah, wah, wah, I'm John and I'm so confused right now I don't know what to do"

Me: " and? What do you expect me to do?"

Him: " Tell me, what should I do?"

Me " You're a fucking adult, sort your shit out yourself and shut the fuck up."

Him "So do you want me to stay or go?"

Me "right now I'd prefer it if you were under the patio, but to answer your question, I couldn't give a toss either way".

He moved in with OW the next day and then moaned that I should have "fought harder" for him....🙄

[Cocacolacarrie]

@Whatachliche

yes, thats the advice I would give.
But somehow it feels undoable after 25 years together. It doesn't help that he expresses confusion and describes his feelings as not sure what to do. He wants a separation but he isn't sure about it. He wants to move out but cant say that he wants a divorce. He is cold and won't touch me, not even in a non sexual way.
His indecision feels quite selfish and like he wants me to force into making a decision for him.

This was what my ex was like. He told me he didn't love me anymore. Then literally say there lying on his bed in a hoodie saying 'I don't know' when I asked him what he was doing about it then.

He wants you to be the bad guy. What do you want?

I will never forget my dad asking me this and it was like a light bulb for me. My answer was 'I just want him to fuck off and never come back!'.

[Dollyparton3]

Me ex did this I'm afraid OP, he yo-yo'd between " I need space, I'm moving out, no, I'm back, now i don't know what to do", blah blah. All the while he was sexting at least 3 women that I knew of and had already had 1 affair:

I spent the time grey rocking, got my ducks in a row, got a killer new job in a new industry and when I was ready I came home from work and told him to put blue stickers on everything he wanted because he was going to buy me out of the house when I left soon.

I remember watching him melodramatically sob and rock in the corner (no actual tears) because he wasn't ready to be alone but seemed to think he was getting away with being a total c*nt to me.

He later told everyone I was a power hungry career woman and left him bereft of how to move on. Twat

[Whatachliche]

@RandomMess

Think I would do lots of "sounds like you need to make a decision, I can't do it for you. I'm staying here, up to you if you want to end our marriage and leave"

Meanwhile start getting your ducks in a row, including recommendations for a great solicitor that gets good results in your situation.

This feels doable, it is kind of along the lines what I've been saying. But due to my surprise and genuine shock about his announcement there also were a lot of questions and pleas in my responses. Probably a bit too close to the pick-me dance than I want to admit here.

I'll get on to finding a solicitor.

[Bunnyhair]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You sound really sensible and honest with yourself about the situation and also about your own feelings.

It seems such a depressingly common thing for men to expect their wives to nurse and coddle them through their desertion and beyond. I wish I were a lesbian.