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Original poster

Love bomber or just keen?

100 replies

Holibobby · 08/02/2024 21:58

I’ve been speaking to a guy for under a month and had 3 dates. He’s been really keen from date no.1 I feel like he’s genuine but I’ve also been burnt in the past by a big love bomber that put me off dating for a long time.

I feel like new guy might just be a quick mover. and is very very keen on me but he’s always quick at replying. He’s told me he’s told his step dad and all his mates aboit me, he text me other night and told me he hopes im not put off by how much he likes me. On date no.2 he was super affectionate on our date. I put up a friendship thing on social media about how lucky I feel with family and friends and he sent a message and said yeah and having a good man. Like we’ve not discussed exclusivity / relationship so thought that was strange.

Hes wanting us to book things for this year, holiday etc and wants me to meet his friends.

He’s away on holiday with his mates at the moment and he keeps telling me how much he misses me, he phoned me one night. He’s gone quiet tonight as he said he doesn’t feel good so he’s gone bed and I’ve just started questioning whether it’s genuine.

This last week I’ve played out a fantasy in my head (ridiculous I know) and I’m scared that his true colours are going to show. I guess I’m just looking for red flags. Is this stuff normal or bit much. I guess I just really want him to be genuine.

OP posts:
FortofPud · 08/02/2024 22:04

Hard to tell for sure but you're not wrong to be very cautious. I'd meet his friends if he's offering - that might give you a sense. If they are all settled in happy and genuine relationships then he might just be excited to find his own version of that. Definitely don't book anything too far ahead or a holiday with a man you've seen in the flesh 3 times.

Edited for typo

DaughterNo2 · 08/02/2024 22:05

Why/ how can he view your social media at Thai point?

castawave · 08/02/2024 22:07

That would give me the ick. Also I wouldn't be friending him on social media just yet either

Ydkiml · 08/02/2024 22:09

Tell him you like him alot but for him to slow down a little . By his reaction and attitude to your request , you will soon see if he’s genuine or not. Try not to let your past haunt your present and listen to your gut feeling . Any red flags , take note , don’t ignore . Your in charge of your life n future and it’s your choice whether or not you want this relationship or not . Don’t put it all in his hands .

Original poster
Holibobby · 08/02/2024 22:09

@FortofPud So all his mates are getting married this year, the holiday he went on was a wedding - he’s best man at these weddings. And he’s become close to his best mates gf too he said the 3 of them spend a lot of tkme together and she really wants to meet me. So I think maybe it’s a case of him just wanting to settle down.

@DaughterNo2 We follow each other on Instagram I wanted to check him out before we met in person so thought social media would be a good way to.

OP posts:
Porageeater · 08/02/2024 22:11

Starting to meet friends ok but booking a holiday after 3 dates is bonkers imo. You need to be cautious here I think. Meet his friends but don’t give too much of yourself away at this stage.

C1N1C · 08/02/2024 22:16

Holidays are just a way of trapping you somewhere in a shared room so you're stuck with him. He's hoping for sex.

LorlieS · 08/02/2024 22:17

I'd be a bit wary if he came across as really into you but then has suddenly gone quiet; if he likes you he should like you consistently ifswim?
Love bombers are often men who will reel you in quickly just to spit you out just as fast.

Original poster
Holibobby · 08/02/2024 22:20

@LorlieS Hes only gone quiet tonight but did say he got into bed early as he didn’t feel good so he’s probably just asleep. I think it’s because tonight is the first time I’ve had a bit of time to myself to have a little think about things. And tbf I take ages to respond to him with juggling parenting, work etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holibobby · 08/02/2024 22:32

@C1N1C We had sex for the on the last date so I don’t think it’s that

OP posts:
FortofPud · 08/02/2024 22:33

You have kids then? I'd say that makes it a red flag rather than a not sure. How he can be rushing forward, thinking of your future like that when he has never even met your kids (and im not saying he should meet them yet btw)? Relationships with kids involved need to be taken at a more gentle pace due to having more at stake, in my opinion. I'd be concerned that he either a) has a poor understanding of that (and is therefore not a great prospect to bring into your kid's lives), b) doesn't care as he's actually just after a fling with you, or c) has actively sought out a single mother.

It's possible that I'm overreacting there, and I hope it doesn't come across like I'm saying he shouldn't be interested in you if you have kids. It just adds an extra dimension of suspiciouness to the speed of his keenness.

Original poster
Holibobby · 08/02/2024 22:39

@FortofPud i have a DD whose 8. Hmm I’m not sure maybe because he doesn’t have kids he doesn’t understand what that involves. His best friend met a single mum with 2 kids and they’ve recently had a child together and he says there really happy. So maybe he’s basing it on that experience?

OP posts:
ArchetypalBusyMum · 08/02/2024 22:43

On holiday with his mates, not feeling well and having an early night you say <strokes chin>
Most guys I know would rather drag their half rotting carcass out with their mates, when on a holiday, than call it a night early and miss out. Unless his friendship group is quite sedate.

I would run a mile from someone wanting to plan joint holidays by date 3, unless he is the sort of person who is so well off holidays are ten a penny and no big deal, maybe.

Maybe he's just an 'over enthusiastic puppy' kind of character and it's nothing dodgy, but even that isn't great as often those sorts of people lack staying power.

But personally I think he'd too full on too soon and you should keep a cool head, don't match his energy as you'll fall for the endorphin rush the compliments and attention generates, and miss out all the proper getting to know each other part that is needed for the real thing.

Original poster
Holibobby · 08/02/2024 22:50

@ArchetypalBusyMum He’s on a ski trip and been out non stop that’s why he’s ill. He is slightly younger and I didn’t want to come across as big headed but as you’ve put it ‘over enthusiastic puppy’. On our second date we went to his friends food place and after serving us he said my friend said he can’t believe someone like you would be interested in me - which I thought was such a bizarre thing to say. I think maybe he’s insecure a little in himself and that’s why he’s a little OTT. Another red flag is he keeps saying he can’t wait to be seen at weddings / events with me on his arm as it will make him look good. Not keen on shallow comments - as I am looking for more than attraction ect,

I do like him and I’m worried I’m already getting into that headspace of falling for the rush that I feel at the moment when I talk with him.

OP posts:
FortofPud · 08/02/2024 22:56

Another red flag is he keeps saying he can’t wait to be seen at weddings / events with me on his arm as it will make him look good

Oh no, that's not good Sad

LorlieS · 08/02/2024 22:57

@Holibobby When I met my now husband on OLD he didn't have children but I had two (they were 6 and 9 when we met). He totally respected the fact that I would be setting the pace and making sure as much as I could be that he was going to be a good "match" for my sons.
He was the first and only man that met my boys following my divorce from their dad, and in fact we remained friends (a non-sexual relationship) until my sons had met him a handful of times and I could see they were going to get on well together and were comfortable in each other's presence.
Of course there's no 100% guarantee, but I needed to be as sure as I could be about this man for the sake of my children before I invited him into our lives.

Watchkeys · 08/02/2024 22:58

If he's already exhibiting red flags, and you're considering staying with him, then you need to be single until you can be sure you won't make yourself so vulnerable again.

This is your problem:

Is this stuff normal or bit much

Can you see what the issue is with that?

Channellingsophistication · 08/02/2024 23:05

Three dates and wanting you to meet friends and plan holidays is much too much.. you need to be really very cautious here…

if your friend was telling you this about a guy she’d just met you’d think it too much wouldnt you?

ArchetypalBusyMum · 08/02/2024 23:09

If you like him, but you're getting caught up in the rush, then you need to calm things down.
You need to tell him how it's going to be, what pace works and don't be dissuaded. If he pushes against your boundaries or doesn't listen that's a red flag.
Ultimately the strength of your feelings should be at least equally matched by how well you know him!! Anything else is a risk.
At the moment you barely know him but he's behaving as though you're the love of his life... Flattering, but ultimately a fantasy until reality catches up - if it does.
But him seeing you as out of his league and a boost to his status with you on his arm is... Well it's not good is it, because he's viewing you through the prism of someone who needs an ego boost, not someone who values you for who you are.

MariaLuna · 08/02/2024 23:10

He sounds desparate and you have children.

He’s told me he’s told his step dad and all his mates aboit me, he text me other night and told me he hopes im not put off by how much he likes me. On date no.2 he was super affectionate on our date. I put up a friendship thing on social media about how lucky I feel with family and friends and he sent a message and said yeah and having a good man. Like we’ve not discussed exclusivity / relationship so thought that was strange. Hes wanting us to book things for this year, holiday etc and wants me to meet his friends.

As a solo mum this would put me right off. Moving far too fast. What is he hiding, why is he so desparate? He's love bombing you.

Remember, NEVER COMPROMISE YOUR CHILDREN'S SECURITY AND COMFORT for any old tom, dick or whoever.

They will thank you as adults (mine did).

Original poster
Holibobby · 08/02/2024 23:13

@MariaLuna I would never introduce my DD to a man unless it was the person I was intending on marrying. I split up with her dad when she was 4 and have not introduced her to anybody. So it would never be done lightly.

OP posts:
ArchetypalBusyMum · 08/02/2024 23:14

And his friend said he couldn't believe 'someone like you' would be with someone like him... Are they 15!!!
This friend presumably doesn't even know you, so this is just based on your looks? Urgh
And he needs new mates if the ones he's got don't think an attractive person would be considering him.

Unless it was flattery (urgh again), but he didn't say it to you, so not that.

Original poster
Holibobby · 08/02/2024 23:16

@ArchetypalBusyMum i do like him but I think I need to have that conversation with him about how fast it’s moving. I think the attraction thing is the biggest red flag for me because I don’t want to have a superficial relationship. I’m happy single but if I’m going to pursue a proper relationship I want depth and meaning to it.

OP posts:
LorlieS · 08/02/2024 23:17

@Holibobby I was the same. The only two men my boys have met that I have been in a relationship in are my ex-husband (their dad) and my husband now.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 08/02/2024 23:18

Good you're asking yourself these questions at this stage then. So much harder to take a balanced view once you're under the spell.