Love bomber or just keen?

[Holibobby]

I’ve been speaking to a guy for under a month and had 3 dates. He’s been really keen from date no.1 I feel like he’s genuine but I’ve also been burnt in the past by a big love bomber that put me off dating for a long time.

I feel like new guy might just be a quick mover. and is very very keen on me but he’s always quick at replying. He’s told me he’s told his step dad and all his mates aboit me, he text me other night and told me he hopes im not put off by how much he likes me. On date no.2 he was super affectionate on our date. I put up a friendship thing on social media about how lucky I feel with family and friends and he sent a message and said yeah and having a good man. Like we’ve not discussed exclusivity / relationship so thought that was strange.

Hes wanting us to book things for this year, holiday etc and wants me to meet his friends.

He’s away on holiday with his mates at the moment and he keeps telling me how much he misses me, he phoned me one night. He’s gone quiet tonight as he said he doesn’t feel good so he’s gone bed and I’ve just started questioning whether it’s genuine.

This last week I’ve played out a fantasy in my head (ridiculous I know) and I’m scared that his true colours are going to show. I guess I’m just looking for red flags. Is this stuff normal or bit much. I guess I just really want him to be genuine.

I've been with my love bomber for 25 years now and married for 12.

He calmed down of course - nobody can keep up that level of intensity - and it did alarm me at first (flowers delivered after our first date) but he was just really keen and not afraid to show it 🤷‍♀️

This post only makes any sense if you regard being married with children as some kind of achievement in itself, regardless of who you’re married to. Your friend didn’t like this guy enough to continue going out with him. Someone else felt differently. Are you actually suggesting she should have married a guy who was annoying her even at the dating stage?

OP, I think your boyfriend sounds like a bit of an idiot, shallow and rather presumptuous. I’d be throwing this one back if he’s like this after three dates.

You've met him 3 times . I think you need to stop overthinking .

What about the fact that OP feels uncomfortable? Is everybody meant to follow your 'ideal' template, regardless of their own feelings?

Context is very important, and, given that OP isn't in your life but her own, your experience isn't a way for her to judge her situation.

Accepting that someone who makes you overthink isn't a great partner for you is wiser than trying to surpress your own nature, isn't it?

Interesting. I read that post to mean 'horses for courses' as in, that guy wasn't for her, but he was for someone else. They're both happy.

The best dating advice I ever saw (on MN) was that if somebody genuinely has real butterfly feelings for you, then they move slowly not quickly. Because if you don’t share them, then they get hurt and they look stupid. Think about how you are when you really like someone, you might be keen but you’re not bulldozing them with plans, meeting the family etc after a date or 2 as it would scare them off, and you’ll feel stupid/upset if it all goes wrong. The only people that move this fast are people who are not genuine and are trying, either consciously or unconsciously, to reel you in.

I don’t actually think your last point is true (some people just have low emotional intelligence and are incapable of seeing that just because they think they’ve lucked out and want to start planning the wedding on date three, the other person may not feel similarly), but the validity of the point still stands — if you’re feeling bulldozed, his relationship isn’t working for you.

Tosh. Many happy relationships between compatible partners (including mine) start with a big flurry of exciting activity and seeing each other whenever you can.

Honestly, the amount of 'generalising' of situation on here is amazing, and could be really dangerous or detrimental to someone posting for advice. Wanting to meet your family quite quickly could be good or bad. Talking about you to his friends could be good or bad. Moving fast could be good or bad.

We have NO external way of judging someone unless they do something that is illegal, or openly disrespectful. For all other behaviours, we have to rely on whether we like it or not, as an individual. Any other method of choosing a partner is via the 'external validation' route, which is neither healthy, nor leads to happiness.

References to single people having cats are usually smug or mean-spirited. No need to mention the cats otherwise surely? Unless playing into the single spinster stereotype.

Also the description of ‘trumped up crap’ and the word ‘free’ in quotation marks suggests the poster is having a dig at the now-single friend

I don’t disagree @Watchkeys, and I think the OP is asking the wrong question in being concerned with whether he’s ‘genuine’ — to me it’s more concerning that he seems shallow, presumptuous and a bit thick. And ‘desperation to settle down with the first available woman because all my friends are getting married’ isn’t a good look on anyone.

@ArchetypalBusyMum, no, I think the fact that that poster said the woman dumped her boyfriend ‘for some trumped-up crap’ and contrasted his now being married with a ‘lovely family’ while she’s described as being still ‘free’ with her cats suggests a catty intent. I agree with you on horses for courses — just because someone else did marry this guy doesn’t mean the OP’s friend should have.

That’s how I read it. Sneering at the lonely old spinster with nothing but her cats who could have been married to any old bloke had she not been too fussy.

You are giving this way too much headspace for someone you have met three times.

Remember that things only need to go as fast as you want them to - you don’t need to let him call all the shots. Shut down comments about holidays etc and nip these things in the bud. Why should he get to dictate the pace? If he’s that keen, he can wait!

Holibobby · Today 09:08

@MamaAlwaysknowsbest Yeah he’s not mentioned anything about exclusivity. He said he was seeing someone for 7months which means they didn’t put a label on it, so maybe he doesn’t have intentions of putting a label on things.

..........

Please, if you are looking for serious, lasting, family oriented relationship, be very careful with this man. Seems he uses women as he needs them and when decides just leaves because no one made it official. If you have other values , then do not take my advice. But if you are looking for proper relationship, do not go with this man.

I agree far too much overthinking going on.
He's spouting future nonsense the op is wondering why he's not texting or if he's gone to bed.
Both parties sound far too neurotic to me.

Yeah I agree far too much overthinking this early on. I’ve been hurt in the past so I guess I’m just trying to look out for potential red flags and sometimes I don’t always trust my judgement so just wanted to gauge an overall consensus on his behaviour.

@Watchkeys You put it perfectly though when you said it doesn’t matter what people define as ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ behaviour - it’s more about how it feels to yourself.

it’s more about how it feels to yourself.

That's fine is a person is emotionally healthy but, if they are not, then what feels right can in fact be very wrong for them. Obviously, it's not good to look for a relationship when one is not emotionally healthy but many people do. And it's not black and white like this in any case. We all go through stages of having better and worse emotional health.

I think it can be anything - from him being a "love bomber" to someone who genuinely falls in love easily, to someone who fell for you straight away - I know its rare but it does happen.

You just need to keep a calm head and not rush into it. See how it goes - just keep your eyes wide open and your head cold. His behaviour will tell you all you need to know. If he get quiet for periods of time, develops excuses for not messaging/ seeing you, becomes moody, or starts demanding things - that's a clear sign he is not a keeper.

@redboxer321

then what feels right can in fact be very wrong for them

It's not about what feels right. It's about what feels good. If someone treats you poorly, it doesn't feel good. And that's the issue. People (like yourself) concern themselves with what feels 'right', as in 'is he doing anything wrong?', and if he isn't, they think they should try to squash their feelings. For example, if you're an early bird, and you meet a potential partner who likes clubbing and doesn't get up until midday, you might tell yourself that there's nothing wrong in what he's doing, so we 'should' put up with it. Recognising that there are no 'shoulds', and that wrong is what feels wrong, rather than what is wrong, is the key to the whole 'boundaries' issue.

After all, if something is 'wrong for them', what's wrong with it, if it feels good and makes them happy? (in a relationship context; I'm not talking about drug abuse etc) I haven't seen anybody posting on here yet saying 'My boyfriend does xyz, and it feels really good, so I need your help'. Have you?

@Watchkeys
I'm not sure how you know what I concern myself with?!

Being treated poorly doesn't always not feel good and can sometimes feel really good. A narcissist often doles out very poor treatment but the relationship can feel about as good as it can get.
Being poorly treated can also feel familiar and safe and expected and all you're worth.
Sometimes people don't actually want to feel good, sometimes they don't know what good feels like.
I think it's a whole lot more complicated than people having different bed times.

You're not overthinking, though. You are thinking as much as you need to, personally, for this issue. It might be a lot, but it can't be 'too much' unless there is a specific 'correct' amount of thinking. Again, this idea of 'overthinking' or 'oversensitive' or various other 'over-things' relies on an external judgement of what 'should' be happening.

Have a think about what you want. What you like. What 'floats your boat'. How much thinking do you want to be prompted to by your relationship? If this one is causing you more thinkiness than you want, then that's just the same as meeting someone who you always end up, say, drinking too much with. There isn't a 'right' amount to drink, but if you've recognised that, with this person, things always get excessive, then you might want to distance yourself, and spend more time with your lunchtime coffee-buddies, and meet a new bloke at running club rather than at the pub.

You are responsible for you. Looking after yourself doesn't just mean 'Eat well, rest well, and get some exercise'; it's a big job. You're looking after a great big animal that needs to be loved and entertained and interested in things and stimulated and nurtured and all kinds of stuff. Don't keep putting it somewhere where it's puzzled and can't quite work out what's going on. No animal is happy that way. Put it in places where it feels safe. Where it understands and trusts its circumstances. Where it has confidence to develop from. Where it has the space to think about its interests, rather than its problems.

At best he’s trying to fast track a relationship for himself because all his friends are getting married and he doesn’t want to get left behind.

At worst he is chronically immature - talking about holidays after three dates. Well the first option is immature too.

At this stage you are seeing the best of him. If you continue there to will be many more things that you will feel you need to talk to him about because you’ll be trying to drag him up to your level of maturity.

Ditch him and find one who’s fully grown mind wise

At best he’s trying to fast track a relationship for himself because all his friends are getting married and he doesn’t want to get left behind

At best, he's really keen on OP, and his way of showing it doesn't suit her. He doesn't have to be at fault, here.