Love bomber or just keen?

[Holibobby]

I’ve been speaking to a guy for under a month and had 3 dates. He’s been really keen from date no.1 I feel like he’s genuine but I’ve also been burnt in the past by a big love bomber that put me off dating for a long time.

I feel like new guy might just be a quick mover. and is very very keen on me but he’s always quick at replying. He’s told me he’s told his step dad and all his mates aboit me, he text me other night and told me he hopes im not put off by how much he likes me. On date no.2 he was super affectionate on our date. I put up a friendship thing on social media about how lucky I feel with family and friends and he sent a message and said yeah and having a good man. Like we’ve not discussed exclusivity / relationship so thought that was strange.

Hes wanting us to book things for this year, holiday etc and wants me to meet his friends.

He’s away on holiday with his mates at the moment and he keeps telling me how much he misses me, he phoned me one night. He’s gone quiet tonight as he said he doesn’t feel good so he’s gone bed and I’ve just started questioning whether it’s genuine.

This last week I’ve played out a fantasy in my head (ridiculous I know) and I’m scared that his true colours are going to show. I guess I’m just looking for red flags. Is this stuff normal or bit much. I guess I just really want him to be genuine.

The thing that stood out to me was ‘you haven’t had a chance before now to have time to yourself to think about things’.

that is a huge alarm bell. That’s deliberate, and kind of the point of lovebombing. I’d be pulling way back on this one.

Has he mentioned meeting your dd?

The weird thing is he’s gone completley quiet now from yesterday. I’m tempted to message and say this isn’t working for me and like previous posters have said see how he reacts.

@Windydaysandwetnights No he’s not mentioned meeting my DD

Whenever I ignored my gut feeling and decided to follow the reason (which told me the opposite of what that feeling inside me was warning me) and be kind/give someone a chance/don’t jump at conclusions etc., it always worked against me. Listen to what your body is telling you.

He does sound full on and you’re right to be cautious. I wish I’d been more cautious many years ago when I was 20. I fell head over heels with my love bomber. After about 6 months he showed his true colours and he moved to the jealous and possessive stage. I gave him zero reason to be jealous but he questioned me on who I’d spoken to if I was anywhere without him, he turned up at a work night out ( because he happened to be passing the pub🙄) and interrogated me later about who I’d spoken to. I broke up with him. I then had a full on session of snot and crying saying he couldn’t and didn’t want to live without me.

He married someone else. Years later I heard that he was imprisoned for attempting to murder his wife. It was revealed in court he’d subjected her to coercive control and domestic violence throughout the marriage.

Love bombers always suddenly go cold or quiet at some point. They can't sustain it so sooner or later they drop off to see how you react.

Don't message him. Take this time to work out how you want to proceed with this relationship and then next time you see him, discuss it calmly with him.

He seems to like a lot of holidays and travelling. What does he do for a job that allows so much time off? Will your commitments allow you to fit in with that lifestyle if he wants you to accompany him?

RUN. Jeez. So many red flags here. He’s trying to push you into a relationship without giving you any time to decide whether you actually want it or not. How can he possibly be so keen after one date if he’s genuine? He doesn’t know you at all. Sure, after a successful first date it might be normal to feel quite excited, but any sensible person would know not to show extreme keenness.
The social media comment is a red flag too. How dare he make implications about your relationship status without a discussion, in a place where your family and friends can see it?
I’m sure you are great but there are many, many men out there who just want a relationship and anyone who shows them a bit of interest will do. He’s not interested in you for the right reasons (he can’t possibly be until he knows you a lot better). As you yourself said, it’s so much happier and easier being single - while ever you feel that way, you have your answer.

Good for her. Nothing worse than feeling like you can’t be free! Full on is never good.

Love bombers always suddenly go cold or quiet at some point

No, they don't. There's no uniform behaviour that can identify them. They might insidiously become abusive over a long period of time. Or slowly withdraw affection. Or very gently start to undermine you. It's not helpful to identify one behaviour, because if he doesn't do it, then that could lead people to believe he's not love bombing.

In reality, if you don't get yourself into a position where you are emotionally or physically dependent, you can just stay in a relationship whilst it feels good, and then, if it starts to not feel good, you can leave. No labels are needed. 'Love bombing', 'gaslighting' etc are terms that could fall under the basic umbrella of 'He makes me feel like shit'. If your boundaries are such that you can leave anybody who makes you feel like shit, you don't need a name for their behaviours, or to work out why they do what they do. We only analyse like this in relationships. We don't do it with, say food. If you don't like sprouts, you don't need a name for the horrible taste, and you simply stay away from sprout without questioning their qualities or your own. Or films... if you don't like action films, you don't have to have a label for the specifics of why you don't like them, and, again, you just don't bother yourself with them. That's how it ought to be with people. 'He was lovely at first, but, nah, he doesn't float my boat any more, so I'm going to do something else.'

I suspec the point of that post was for us to think 'poor thing, no man or family' rather than 'good for her, nothing better than being free to live your life as you want, cats or no cats.'

Maybe he’s spoke to a friend on holiday about it and they’ve told him to back off?

I think at best, he's very enthusiastic at the IDEA of being in a relationship. Noone should be that keen on date 1 or 2 as they simply don't know you. It's like he's thrown himself into the idea of being in a couple. He wants to show his mates he can bag a woman too. Especially one he considers to be above his normal punching weight looks-wise. It's all very superficial and imature. He isn't approaching this maturely, as a possible future relationship, but as a done deal. Imagining future holidays, weddings, talking as if you're a couple - all very presumptious and (again) imature to make such assumptions about someone you don't yet know very well.

At worst, he's a love bomber.

Either way, it isn't good and healthy, and it doesn't bode well.

That comment on your social media was overstepping big time. He did it to mark his territory, you know that right? At this stage it is totally inappropriate behaviour.

Cripes I told now dh we would def be married.. Within a week... He proposed 15 months later! The fact he isn't pushing to meet your dd is a good sign...

How can he possibly be so keen after one date if he’s genuine? He doesn’t know you at all.

Precisely. It's not real.

Oh definitely. Much rather be free single and happy than with someone too full on.

Maybe it was. But it’s odd that the poster is being snide about someone who trusted their instincts and got themselves out of a situation they weren’t comfortable with, rather than overlooking behaviour she didn’t like.
Maybe she’s happy with the life she has now. I’d 1000x rather be single (minus the cats) than with a man who made me feel trapped.

I do not understand from which standpoint he is telling you he misses you and has plans for you to go on holiday. Has he officially proposed the boyfriend this and have you said yes ?

I do not know how it works here but in my country people usually make clear to you do they mean serious business by simply asking you: are you willing to be my official girlfriend ? ( of course there are liars in all countries and relationships fall apart ), however a genuine man asks a woman for her yes even at this stage, the boyfriend/girlfriend

Its hard to tell in such a short time but its great that you are wary.
I've had both, a love bomber that turned out to be a complete arse and caused so much hurt and upset that dragged on for 5yrs but also my current partner was very full on from the get go, we have been together 4yrs had a baby together and getting married this year.

If you are enjoying things at the moment maybe get to know him more but stay cautious, if at any point you feel its too much let him know, i had to tell my current partner in the beginning to slow it down a bit and he listened. A narcissistic love bomber wont like to be told that and may try to make you feel like you are over reacting or ungrateful.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist The social media comment was not visible it was a private message responding to my story so it’s not visible to anyone

@Zombiemama84 i think staying cautious is a good idea, I’m not sure how to do that. I might just make myself less available even though I’m not very available with already juggling so much.

@MamaAlwaysknowsbest Yeah he’s not mentioned anything about exclusivity. He said he was seeing someone for 7months which means they didn’t put a label on it, so maybe he doesn’t have intentions of putting a label on things.