Just discovered my fiance was/is a porn addict

[wouldlovearoast]

Hi, I'm writing in here because I really don't know who else to talk to. It's an embarrassing subject and I honestly never thought one I'd ever be having. Sorry it's a long one, I just need to give context.

I've been with my partner for a couple of years and I have two young children with my ex husband - and my fiance has been amazing at being a step-dad. Life with him has been amazing. Not only that he is the most loving and loyal partner I have ever known and I am just really struggling with the news that he's recently told me - he is addicted to porn. He is the least expected person to tell me something like this.

He recently opened up to me at the weekend and told me he used to be addicted to porn and it took full control of his life. This was a few years ago and before me. He would watch porn every day a few times/hours and this eventually effected his past relationships (erectile disfunction and lack of intimacy and emotional connection) and his work and mental overall well being, he booked himself in for CBT which helped. He also put blocks on his phone and made steps to recover from this addiction. But he clearly was never fully healed.

Fast forward to us now, he told me he never felt it to be an issue before in our relationship, we had a wonderful first year and a half together but after some life stresses it did but strain on our relationship, but I thought we made it through and we got engaged last year.
Little did I know for the past couple of months he's felt like his addiction is creeping back in again and he doesn't want it to, thats when he told me about this problem and wanted me to know so I can help and he wanted to be fully open with me.

We're meant to be getting married in 7 months. I don't know what to do. I feel completely ashamed that he hasn't told me before, Ive been so open and honest with him about things ive gone through in life and felt so much recently that I wanted to go see a therapist so I can fully move forward in our relationship. Ive fully opened myself up to him and to feel like he couldn't do the same really hurts.
I know everyone has a past and it must have been difficult for him to tell me because he hates it about himself and feels ashamed, but that doesn't take away the hurt I feel.
It also really hurts that he told me he did it whilst I was in the room next door to him, or he would sneak off to the toilet to do it, I hate the lack of respect and the sneaking around and the fact he gets gratifcation from looking at other women. We have a really healthy sex life - so I am just confused.

I know people watch porn, and he claims he doesn't think that this time it's like before in his past, he says he has better control over it and feels better for telling me. He says he only does it now 3 times a week and it's only been like that when we went through our 'rocky patch'.
He said he does it when he's stressed or feels like he doesn't have that intimate connection with me. We've only ever not had an intimate connection when we went through a miscarriage, and thats why I'm going to see a therapist about. I understandably lost all of my self confidence which did effect our relationship and sex life.
It makes me sad he feels like he is drawn to his addiction when thing's are not 100% perfect in his life, because life will never perfect. I am worried now when things get hard, is his addiction going to flare up everytime and eventually ruin us.

Today he downloaded an app which helps with porn addiction and he was fully honet about his answers, the app claimed he actually is using porn a normal amount and like any other general person, but our concern is will it get worse again.

So after finding this out I of course now have doubts about getting married, he's saying and doing all the right things - re booked himself into therapy and has downloaded apps to help me, but I can't help thinking i've lost my trust for him, can I gain that back?

I am madly in love with this guy, I always thought he's too good to be true, but I don't want to throw something away when he's truly adamant this can get better and he can heal his addiction for once and for all. He really wants to stop and do everything he can to make this better.

Ive been married before and went through hell with my ex husband, so of course I am now very apprehensive. Do I give him a chance? Or do I cut my losses now?

Any advice would be hugely appreciated, I'm truly lost right now with it.

Thankyou.

He’s an addict and always will be, even if he can put it aside for some time.

If you've only been together a few years and have already hit stumbling blocks that caused stressful times...does it feel right that you're engaged and getting married really quite early in the relationship? Especially with young children.

I don't really buy porn addiction as a thing tbh...

Sorry, posted before I had finished my thoughts.

I think it's awful that he has told you that he turns to porn basically when you're not servicing his needs...because of a miscarriage? I mean come on...he may have couched it in better terms than that, but that's the bottom line.

Do you really want to be married to someone you feel you have to put out for so that he doesn't spend all his time secretly wanking?!

Thankyou for getting back to me @WhenWereYouUnderMe and @DustyLee123
Our hard time was the miscarriage, which I thought we had got over and thats why I was happy to marry him. Turns out that one hard time triggered it again for him and yeh, its awful to think that drove him to that under those circumstances. How could he propose to me knowing his was holding this secret?!

I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him -everything was so good up until then. I just feel really lost and alone.

Now I just feel like when times are hard and I walk out the room is he just going to be 'sorting himself out'.

Yeah. I mean, I couldn't care less about someone masturbating - we all do it.

But there's emotional manipulation at play here; he's making you responsible for him not backsliding into his 'addiction' by becoming a sort of always available sex doll.

You have children, you can't afford to be with a porn addict and porn addiction escalates in category and extremeness. You say he is amazing and the best... yet you didn't even know this part of him until he told you. What else is he hiding to reveal at his leisure? You're 'in love' with a man you don't really know. I would end it and stay away from men and focus on bringing up DC.

What is the fuss he used porn most men look at it

Because apparently it's an addiction and OP must be perpetually available to him to prevent him sliding back in to this addiction. And because he's obsessed with porn which is really unpleasant

What do you mean by OP please? @JollyJanuary

What recovery work has he actually done? It's an addiction and he needs to treat it seriously.

Love after porn on reddit will be a great resource for you to fully understand and get support. Are you in the UK?

Put the marriage idea on hold for now.He will be an addict for life. So will always need to be vigilant to this. It's a big decision to stay with an addict.

Original poster, so you 🙂

@MightyGoldBear he's been for cognitive behavioural therapy, and he's booked in again this week as it was a few years ago when he last did the therapy.
He says it isn't as bad as it was like before, and when it's 'bad' now it's only a couple of times a week, my concern is that it will get worse like it used to be and effect our relationship. I honestly didn't think it was effecting our relationship before because we had a really healthy relationship and watching a bit of porn wouldn't bother me. But its the backstory to it and him not been fully honest up until now. Yes, I'm in the UK.

First of all let me just stress- the app and “him using the normal amount”, is bullshit. Get that out of his & your head now. There is no “okay” level for someone who is a self confessed addict. There is a reason that people with alcohol addictions don’t just have 2 glasses of wine, or drug addicts don’t just have 1 line of coke. The only acceptable and healthy level for an addict is 0.

I think this is a really tricky situation and it can be hard to really conceptualise things like porn addiction in the same way it’s hard to understand alcohol and gambling addictions, because (to an extent) the majority of people do at least one of those things for pleasure/fun, people watch porn, have a glass of wine, put a bet on. I’d even go so far as to say that lots of people use those things as a bit of a crutch when things get tough, for example after a bad day at work lots of people look forward to their wine or pint to ease the stress. Because of this, the “line” between okay & not okay is different for everyone, and for him to describe this as an addiction would prompt me to be asking what exactly he has done previously and what he plans to do now to put this in the past?

I know people will say to just leave him and maybe you will, but I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with supporting him through this IF he is doing most of the “supporting” himself. The reality is once you are at addiction stage, it is extremely difficult to ever fully be “done”, the temptation will always be there, the only way around it is to want to stop more than you want to do it- that comes from within. It’s not something you can give him.

So if he is saying in the past he has done counselling for example, CBT, and plans to to back to that now, with a date booked in, if you genuinely believe he is working on it and can evidence that then if you want to stick by him, stick by him. BUT, if he’s never done anything to help himself and is only telling you now to make it your problem, RUN for the hills, honestly.

Porn addicts not just wank a lot, they watch compulsively at inappropriate times like while driving, on public transport, at their jobs, your children might see it. For him to have gone to therapy for this or cbt based addiction group supports means he was a serious user and it will be the tip of the iceberg.
He is in denial and minimising same way alcoholics stop drinking then go back to it fooling themselves and others that they have now 'reset' their relationship with alcohol.
And he is blaming you for the slip up.

Ok so he needs to see a atsac therapist trained in sexual addiction. We have the laurel centre which will also have counsellors trained in betrayal trauma for you.

It's really important they are atsac accredited and operate from the new dependency model. Sometimes in other addictions codependency occurs that is not the case in sex/porn addiction its nothing to do with you. Seeing the wrong therapist for this can cause additional trauma for you both.

Thanks @SordidSardineSarnie and @Mrsttcno1.
I genuinely believe that he's booked in to see a therapist again, and he wants to go and see one before it gets to the point where its an issue. He's shown me the emails and booking confirmation. Like you saying, his addiction needs to be at 0 for it to be healthy and minimising actually just makes me angry.

The fact I have children is my biggest fear, what if they see it or found out or am I over thinking this. He's assured me this will never happen as he is not going to do it again, but that fear is there. It's an addiction and i'm worried if it comes back or the therapy doesn't work. I want to support him as I genuinely believe he's getting help and wanting to stop, he's at the point where he can't loose me and hes going to do everything he can to prove to me I can trust him again.

But Ive put the wedding on hold, I just feel really sad about the whole thing when I was so excited to have another chance at it but I have to do whats right for me and my children

I think that's sensible.

If it was the other way round and your ex was getting remarried to a self-confessed sex addict, you would rightly have many, many concerns about that.

Recovery typically takes 3 to 5 years part of that is because resources and support (especially in the uk) are sparse. It's not even recognised by the NHS yet. With a headstart, a list of where to go for resources plus willingness to change/see its a problem it doesn't have to be years.

So here comes the resources:
Your brain on porn website
The porn paradox
Pbse podcast
Helping couples heal podcast
Paula Hall books
Help her heal
Dan drake work books
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement and integrity abuse
Sa - 12 steps (great for daily whatsapp support but Recovery wise will only get you so far maybe just to sobriety)
Husband material
Jake porter
Laurel centre - uk
The naked project- uk

I could go on but those would definitely get you started. Most are in America but are slowly filtering into the UK too.

My DH is an addict. I didn't know he was before we got married, otherwise I wouldn't have married him.

That being said he stopped 2 years ago and I only discovered it because of the impact it had on our finances.

I've always said that I don't care if he goes back to it as long as it doesn't cost us a penny.

He's promised he'll never do it again, and so far the past two years have been our happiest as he's definitely changed and made amends.

That's a great help thanks @MightyGoldBear

How did he stop @chatenoire ? Do you really believe he will be stopped forever?

I basically gave him an ultimatum. I actually think he has stopped for good. I can definitely see remorse and pain (something I hadn't seen before).

I’m sorry @wouldlovearoast but I think it’s best if you end the relationship. He’s an addict and porn is often gross. High likelihood of traumatised and exploited women being used. It’s just horrific in a lot of instances even in so-called ‘normal’ porn.

I feel really uncomfortable about the fact he essentially blamed you for the slide back - that he didn't get enough intimacy during your miscarriage so back to porn he went. No accountability from him whatsoever, at a time when he should have been supporting you not diving into the toilet to watch porn.

I'm not sure I could forgive that personally. And surely there would be a concern that every single time there was a dry patch he'd be back on it? Dry patches happen loads in marriages, due to all sorts of stressors. That isn't a solid foundation to build a future on.

I wouldn’t marry this guy personally. Agree with others that the fact he went back to it when you had a miscarriage is pretty alarming - so if you have another pregnancy in future what happens if you don’t want sex for weeks / months? It will inevitably take a back seat whilst you have a small baby. How will he stop himself from delving back into a full addiction whilst you’re juggling your kids and a new baby and dealing with the physical strain of pregnancy / birth etc?

I would be really wary about how this could affect your existing children, despite him saying they won’t ever see it. Can you be sure of that if the addiction is strong and he’s not thinking rationally?