Just discovered my fiance was/is a porn addict

[wouldlovearoast]

Hi, I'm writing in here because I really don't know who else to talk to. It's an embarrassing subject and I honestly never thought one I'd ever be having. Sorry it's a long one, I just need to give context.

I've been with my partner for a couple of years and I have two young children with my ex husband - and my fiance has been amazing at being a step-dad. Life with him has been amazing. Not only that he is the most loving and loyal partner I have ever known and I am just really struggling with the news that he's recently told me - he is addicted to porn. He is the least expected person to tell me something like this.

He recently opened up to me at the weekend and told me he used to be addicted to porn and it took full control of his life. This was a few years ago and before me. He would watch porn every day a few times/hours and this eventually effected his past relationships (erectile disfunction and lack of intimacy and emotional connection) and his work and mental overall well being, he booked himself in for CBT which helped. He also put blocks on his phone and made steps to recover from this addiction. But he clearly was never fully healed.

Fast forward to us now, he told me he never felt it to be an issue before in our relationship, we had a wonderful first year and a half together but after some life stresses it did but strain on our relationship, but I thought we made it through and we got engaged last year.
Little did I know for the past couple of months he's felt like his addiction is creeping back in again and he doesn't want it to, thats when he told me about this problem and wanted me to know so I can help and he wanted to be fully open with me.

We're meant to be getting married in 7 months. I don't know what to do. I feel completely ashamed that he hasn't told me before, Ive been so open and honest with him about things ive gone through in life and felt so much recently that I wanted to go see a therapist so I can fully move forward in our relationship. Ive fully opened myself up to him and to feel like he couldn't do the same really hurts.
I know everyone has a past and it must have been difficult for him to tell me because he hates it about himself and feels ashamed, but that doesn't take away the hurt I feel.
It also really hurts that he told me he did it whilst I was in the room next door to him, or he would sneak off to the toilet to do it, I hate the lack of respect and the sneaking around and the fact he gets gratifcation from looking at other women. We have a really healthy sex life - so I am just confused.

I know people watch porn, and he claims he doesn't think that this time it's like before in his past, he says he has better control over it and feels better for telling me. He says he only does it now 3 times a week and it's only been like that when we went through our 'rocky patch'.
He said he does it when he's stressed or feels like he doesn't have that intimate connection with me. We've only ever not had an intimate connection when we went through a miscarriage, and thats why I'm going to see a therapist about. I understandably lost all of my self confidence which did effect our relationship and sex life.
It makes me sad he feels like he is drawn to his addiction when thing's are not 100% perfect in his life, because life will never perfect. I am worried now when things get hard, is his addiction going to flare up everytime and eventually ruin us.

Today he downloaded an app which helps with porn addiction and he was fully honet about his answers, the app claimed he actually is using porn a normal amount and like any other general person, but our concern is will it get worse again.

So after finding this out I of course now have doubts about getting married, he's saying and doing all the right things - re booked himself into therapy and has downloaded apps to help me, but I can't help thinking i've lost my trust for him, can I gain that back?

I am madly in love with this guy, I always thought he's too good to be true, but I don't want to throw something away when he's truly adamant this can get better and he can heal his addiction for once and for all. He really wants to stop and do everything he can to make this better.

Ive been married before and went through hell with my ex husband, so of course I am now very apprehensive. Do I give him a chance? Or do I cut my losses now?

Any advice would be hugely appreciated, I'm truly lost right now with it.

Thankyou.

Your advice absolutely sucks. Exposing children to porn is child abuse.

The op is minimising because she doesn't want to face reality and dump him. She is allowing a porn addict who of course will show her only the 'mild' she didn't even know he was addicted..she is putting a random man over the safety of her kids. Ffs.

She is going to bury her head in the sand because she doesn't want another failed relatiobship. This is a man she brought into her home, into her kids lives and only now she realises about his porn addiction.
This is how single moms end up exposing their children to pedos and all sorts. Introducing men they don't know well enough into their children's lives.
Your respobsibility is your children. I would stay single and focus on the children.

Tbf I was reading the other day that under certain circumstances, 1 in 5 men can be attracted to kids (not full paedos but still potential to fancy children).

And tbh if someone was...deviant (like a porn addict certainly is, let's be honest) I'd not risk them round my kids. Because often those sort will watch worse and worse stuff to satisfy their needs so can easily get into sick stuff like underage porn.

So it's pretty risky in that regard.

I mean yesterday you'd never have known he's a porn addict. So what else might you find out in time? Rape fantasist? Paedo? Animal stuff?

Its a risk you don't need to be taking when you have kids.

When did the OP's husband expose his porn to children?

He's not her husband.

Rtt.

You've been seeing each other two years, you got engaged after only one.

Does he live with you? When did he move in?

You've already been pregnant by him and had you not suffered a loss could have a baby on the way by him within two years.

It's pretty fast for both you and your young (?) kids.

It's a bit of an accelerated schedule and I worry you've rushed into things a bit, put him on a pedestal, and are now in "how do I help him, how do I keep everything rosy, we're still getting married" etc mode ....

Instead of the mode you should have been in at the two year mark - slowly, gradually getting to know someone, not living with them, not making major commitments including marriage and children, and perhaps getting out when something like this was revealed instead.

Instead you're now committing to a rehab project, when I'd have thought you already had enough on your plate as presumably main resident parent to your young kids, whatever you work at etc.

Essentially, this. Youve rushed so kuch to create a new family and now uoure in deep at the point if learning something pretty crucial. That he is an addict.

he wants your help? It isnt your role to fix him. What had he done for himself in the past six months?

If he'd told you this in the earliest days, would you have kept seeing him?

I actually find it pretty dishonest and manipulative that he's only told you after two years and engagement and pregnancy.

Realistically he could guess it could become an issue again at any time, so he should have told you early on ... Not when it started becoming a problem again. He didn't give you the choice/agency you should have had. For yourself and also because you have kids, you introduced him to them and let him be part of their lives .... He should have told you something like this before all that, so you could make an informed choice.

(I don't mean anything dodgy along the lines some posters have mentioned; I mean just that it makes for a much more enmeshed relationship than if you had been a childfree single person. A decent person would think "I better tell her this and see if she wants to keep seeing me before she introduces me to her kids" etc.

This is going to be an ongoing source of unease/stress/worry/discomfort.... Even if you try your utmost to not show it/let it affect you, kids are extremely perceptive and it's probably going to affect you as a person and parent. You won't be as carefree, confident and happy as you should be.

Perhaps you should take a step back, esp. re the wedding and even more especially re.conceiving children with him.

You have kids, you don't 'need" more ... Perhaps you were ttc (or not being super careful) because he presumably has none and you wanted to have at least one with him so he could be a bio parent too. But honestly, it doesn't sound like a great idea, with this on the table.

Also if you marry, do you have any assets/equity etc? Because if you end up splitting he could get a shot at half.

I know a lady that happened to; even in a short marriage. She owned her home and had to give him a payout when they divorced (which was due to his controlling behaviour). It had been quite a short schedule to marriage for them too. Too short for her to realise he was going to censor her (nothing out of the ordinary,) outfits etc.

Marry in haste, repent at leisure is still true.

I think you're in for an unhappy time.

Any addiction puts a massive strain on a relationship and, where children are involved, you really need to ask yourself if you want them around that person. (Also ask yourself if you'd be comfortable telling family and friends about your children's step-father's addiction.)

I certainly wouldn't want my kids anywhere near a porn addict. You don't know what he's been watching or will end up watching.

Also, in times of stress, that's where the addict will be heading - right back to their addiction (I have recent experience of this).

I'd call off the wedding while you see how things go.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've stumbled on your post just after I posted a few days ago. My husband also has a porn addiction.

I can't give you much advice except that his addiction is nothing to do with your availability or attractiveness. It's barely about sex tbh. Your DF is truthful that it's a stress response and not because you couldn't have sex after your miscarriage. But he is lying to you (and probably himself) saying its manageable with just some access. It's not and he's probably doing it more than he's letting on. That's what addicts do.

One more thing. Please don't listen to some of the posters on here They're projecting their own issues on to and being pretty hostile you when you don't need it. You need compassion and kindness. It's like a kick in the guts when you're confronted by it. Please listen to @MightyGoldBear. They seem very knowledgable on the best path for his potential therapy. In the end though, I've been where you are now and now with a relapse. You have to decide if you can ever trust him again. Only you can decide that. Much love ❤

What does he mean he wants you to help him?

In what way are you supposed to help him?
Surely it's up to him to help himself?
I'm not sure what you're supposed to do exactly.

A big concern for me would be what if you lose your libido for a period of time? Are you going to feel pressure to have sex you don't want just so that he doesn't get addicted to porn again?

That seems a very high stat but I am constantly shocked by how many there are. And the number who are attracted to young teens. 🤢 They walk among us.

This will always be a thing with him OP. It probably started many years ago.

I didn't write on here to be given backlash on 'how fast things have moved' and questions regards my parenting. I came on here for some advice and support. Thankyou to those who have given me sound advice from experience or just knowledge on the matter. This is a horrendous time for me, my life has been turned upside down and I just feel like I have no one to talk to - I have a booked in a meeting today with my therapist to see what medical advice she can give me.

He hasn't asked for my help, he asked me to give him one chance and support which he's never asked before. He really isnt this monster the majority of you are making him out to be.
You have to understand his addiction was a long time ago and he got help - so him voluntary telling me (yes a bit late in my eyes) is him being honest, he didn't have to tell me. There was no reason for him to tell me. He told me because he wants to be the best version of himself for me and the children.

I am torn because can I trust him and do I want to be forever thinking he's going to slip. Not really, who would? It would be a pretty sad life for me to live and that's where I'm at right now.

After hours of conversation last night it's clear when he did it the other month - it was a couple of times in a couple of months, yes it should be 0 because he is a recovering PA but it isn't like what it is all those years ago when I didn't know him. He's actively trying to get help and its obvious how distraught he is at the thought of loosing us, I've cancelled the wedding and he's giving me time for me to figure this out. He hates himself and this horrible thing that's been eating away at him.
Right now I can't figure it out because its such a huge gamble and whether or not you believe me, he is a really good guy - probably one of the best out there and if there was any threat to my children then of course I wouldn't be even thinking about giving him a chance.

Everyone deals with stress differently, it's sad his way of dealing with this but he knows this, I feel sick with the worry of what to do and am I going to be miserable for the rest of my life, or can people change - I mean he has changed since all those years ago, and he said he's 90% recovered and he just needs to learn how to deal with stress in the right ways which will make up the other 10%. Thankyou

Respectfully OP, open your eyes.

His addiction wasn’t “a long time ago”, it is right now. An addict is always an addict, it isn’t something that goes away. And he is actively engaging in the behaviour right now, so he is an addict.

Also, don’t rewrite the story to fit your new narrative. He already told you that he is watching porn 3 times a week- so it’s not “a couple times in a couple month”, you put that detail in your first post, so it’s quite obvious you’re now trying to minimise it because you’ve decided to back down. Don’t lie to yourself, you know the truth, he told you, you told us, 3 times a week. The amount his special app says is “normal” remember ?

If you want to choose to be blind to it and stay, that’s fine, but that’s the truth of it. You asked if people would take the risk, knowing you have young children, the majority said no they wouldn’t, and inflicting any addict on young children isn’t great parenting, so you are going to get those comments.

The comments on things moving too fast are also completely relevant to your question because you have 2 young kids to another man, you’re only 2 years in with this one and supposedly only months from marriage. You’ve rushed things through so quickly that you haven’t even gotten to know “the good, bad and ugly” yet, hence the porn addiction coming as such a wild card.

I don't need you to be patronising, I am fully aware of what I wrote and the circumstances I am in. Sorry if I have miss quoted something my head isn't exactly straight right now but either way - A few times a week or month who cares?! The point is he shouldn't be doing it AT ALL.
I haven't decided anything or wrote a new narrative - Except I have decided I'm not marrying this guy and I am just now trying to figure out what to do with everything else.

Anyway, thanks all for input, i do really appreciate your views on this.

There is a massive difference between a few times a week and a month actually, because “a couple of times in a couple of months” means once a month which could be a slip up in recovery, but a few times a WEEK is an active addiction, and you quite confidently stated in your recent post that his addiction was “a long time ago”. It’s not. It’s right now. He is an active addict right now.

If you are aware he shouldn’t be doing it at all, which is absolutely correct he shouldn’t be, then after only 2 years with 2 young children to think about I would assume thats your decision made for you really, not sure what else there is to think about?

Porn addiction is a lot more common than most people realise. Studies have shown that over 10% of all men claim to use porn compulsively. Your DP has been open with you, and seems to be doing all the right things. Hopefully this is just a blip in a time of stress, and he’ll learn lessons from it. Maybe he’d consider SAA?

A lot of the ‘LTB’ posters will also have OHs who consume porn. They may even be addicts. It’s easy for someone who hasn’t been on the receiving end to give an opinion.

Many marriages fail because of PA, but ordinarily that’s when the addict is not in recovery, or attempting to be accountable and authentic. Your DP obviously isn’t one of these men. If he’s a good man and you love him, I think he’s worth a second chance.

The most important thing right now is taking care of yourself. You need to be well enough that whether your DP succeeds or fails in his recovery, that you will be okay regardless. Find an ATSAC therapist, that’s really important. Sending lots of love x

Leave him and find someone better.... I'd consider that a form of cheating tbh, and his addiction will end up affecting (if it hasn't already) your intimate life, many addicts prefer watching p*rn to make love to their wives/gfs

This guy seemed to be perfect on paper till he ... was not, problem is he was never really "perfect", he was just a dishonest (hiding an addiction from a partner is), on the other hand 7 months before the wedding he's come out clean and sounds quite embarrassed by the sounds. For a man to admit his porn addiction to a woman that's a biggie, you're very important to him and he's really gutted by his addiction. The part of you not being able to mourn a lost baby properly because you know he's going to be wan---g to other women sounds heartbreaking and controlling, a bit emotional blackmail even and the whole thing just sounds awful to your self esteem. I think you're doing the right thing by cancelling the wedding and trying to figure out of this is the type of relationship you want. If he knew he had an addiction he should have gone to therapy a long time ago and sort himself out, instead he decides to keep quiet and drop you the bomb 7 months before the wedding. Not cool at all. Maybe you want to discuss the issue with a mental health professional before definitely calling it quits because I'm sure you're very sad and confused ATM and could do with some guidance/counselling.

yes I think there is a lot of truth in that.

plus you want to convince yourself that love is possible, that there are good men. Idealism and hope and aspirational thinking can blind you to what your gut is saying. The next one can be even worse as a result (happened to me, even if short lived, even now I think just ew).

Perhaps his “porn addiction” is a serious issue that he needs genuine help with. Or maybe he’s just a sexual creep. I don’t know.

However, that doesn’t mean you need to go out with him or marry him. you don’t have to be the therapist or the “cool girl”.

It would also be weird to me to think that when a man was stressed, he turned to this particular addiction. I would find it very unsettling. Life is full of stress and people find different ways to cope. A glass of wine after work. A strong cup of coffee. Going for a run. Crying to your cat. But some ways of coping seem more destructive than others.

or attempting to be accountable and authentic. Your DP obviously isn’t one of these men

If he was accountable and authentic, he'd have told her about this not long after they started seeing each other, not after he met her kids, after they moved in together, after she fell pregnant, after they got engaged etc.

No doubt you'll say he thought it was in the past, but anyone with a tap of common sense would know they're probably always likely to fall back into that behaviour.

So he should have been honest, instead he's essentially lied by omission until she's heavily involved. And he's apparently had the evitable "slip" due to stress with a miscarriage.

If that's your response to stress, maybe you should let your prospective partner know so they can decide if they want to heavily invest in someone who responds to stress in that way.

He's denied the op pertinent info and agency.

This has been a fairly fast relationship timeline op, especially with young kids from a previous relationship.

Sorry that offends you, but it is important.

People on here aren't trying to put you down, they're trying to help with a bit of perspective that's hard to have when you're the one in the thick of it.

People have experienced similar things (including rushing in, which didn't feel like rushing in at the time but you realised you had in retrospect.

Otdva good idea to put the marriage plans on the back burners..I would be getting my contraception cast iron, if I were you.