Just discovered my fiance was/is a porn addict

[wouldlovearoast]

Hi, I'm writing in here because I really don't know who else to talk to. It's an embarrassing subject and I honestly never thought one I'd ever be having. Sorry it's a long one, I just need to give context.

I've been with my partner for a couple of years and I have two young children with my ex husband - and my fiance has been amazing at being a step-dad. Life with him has been amazing. Not only that he is the most loving and loyal partner I have ever known and I am just really struggling with the news that he's recently told me - he is addicted to porn. He is the least expected person to tell me something like this.

He recently opened up to me at the weekend and told me he used to be addicted to porn and it took full control of his life. This was a few years ago and before me. He would watch porn every day a few times/hours and this eventually effected his past relationships (erectile disfunction and lack of intimacy and emotional connection) and his work and mental overall well being, he booked himself in for CBT which helped. He also put blocks on his phone and made steps to recover from this addiction. But he clearly was never fully healed.

Fast forward to us now, he told me he never felt it to be an issue before in our relationship, we had a wonderful first year and a half together but after some life stresses it did but strain on our relationship, but I thought we made it through and we got engaged last year.
Little did I know for the past couple of months he's felt like his addiction is creeping back in again and he doesn't want it to, thats when he told me about this problem and wanted me to know so I can help and he wanted to be fully open with me.

We're meant to be getting married in 7 months. I don't know what to do. I feel completely ashamed that he hasn't told me before, Ive been so open and honest with him about things ive gone through in life and felt so much recently that I wanted to go see a therapist so I can fully move forward in our relationship. Ive fully opened myself up to him and to feel like he couldn't do the same really hurts.
I know everyone has a past and it must have been difficult for him to tell me because he hates it about himself and feels ashamed, but that doesn't take away the hurt I feel.
It also really hurts that he told me he did it whilst I was in the room next door to him, or he would sneak off to the toilet to do it, I hate the lack of respect and the sneaking around and the fact he gets gratifcation from looking at other women. We have a really healthy sex life - so I am just confused.

I know people watch porn, and he claims he doesn't think that this time it's like before in his past, he says he has better control over it and feels better for telling me. He says he only does it now 3 times a week and it's only been like that when we went through our 'rocky patch'.
He said he does it when he's stressed or feels like he doesn't have that intimate connection with me. We've only ever not had an intimate connection when we went through a miscarriage, and thats why I'm going to see a therapist about. I understandably lost all of my self confidence which did effect our relationship and sex life.
It makes me sad he feels like he is drawn to his addiction when thing's are not 100% perfect in his life, because life will never perfect. I am worried now when things get hard, is his addiction going to flare up everytime and eventually ruin us.

Today he downloaded an app which helps with porn addiction and he was fully honet about his answers, the app claimed he actually is using porn a normal amount and like any other general person, but our concern is will it get worse again.

So after finding this out I of course now have doubts about getting married, he's saying and doing all the right things - re booked himself into therapy and has downloaded apps to help me, but I can't help thinking i've lost my trust for him, can I gain that back?

I am madly in love with this guy, I always thought he's too good to be true, but I don't want to throw something away when he's truly adamant this can get better and he can heal his addiction for once and for all. He really wants to stop and do everything he can to make this better.

Ive been married before and went through hell with my ex husband, so of course I am now very apprehensive. Do I give him a chance? Or do I cut my losses now?

Any advice would be hugely appreciated, I'm truly lost right now with it.

Thankyou.

I had a porn addict for a father, so my thoughts might not be exactly the same as having had a porn addict partner.

OP, well done for cancelling the wedding. Now is not the right time. Or the right circumstances.

It's possible that your relationship can be salvaged, but that is your call and your decision alone. Neither way is right or wrong.

He has had a slip up. It would be unusual for an addict not to.

Only in time will you see if he's really going to kick this, or if he can't.

I was married to a man who had porn addiction. I found out after marriage when he confessed to me because our sex life was very difficult.

1 and a half years later, we got a knock from the police. He was arrested for possession of indecent images of children. Thousands of pictures and videos of abuse of children as young as newborns. I was also pregnant (in fact in early labour) back then. It wrecked everything.

I later found out it started with regular pornography, escalated to more particular and odd but legal content, to animals, to drawn children, to real teens, to real little children.

Porn addiction is very much a thing and it is a lot different to just watching pornography. It is also not something people can grow out of.

i think this is worth highlighting for all those women who think porn is harmless. It isnt.

@Spencer0220
I'm curious how that affected you? Can I ask how you knew?

My partner is a porn addict and we have a child.

I can say that it's a huge 3rd wheel in our relationship, and massively affects our sex life, which is almost non existent now.

Any small thing can be used as a reason to relapse, as that's how they have learned to react to stress.
Including miscarriage, any disagreements or 'dry patches' as someone else mentioned. I never know if he's telling the truth about his recovery or in a phase of relapsing, it's exhausting, a huge turn off and I'm mostly checked out now.

OP, how old is he?
If this is a lifelong habit, I'm not sure it's possible to break, and even though your partner has good intentions at the moment, I feel you & your kids could be much happier if you avoid a relationship with a porn addict. I wish I had.

I knew because I once caught him watching something unspeakable when he thought I wasn't in the room. That image will be burned in my retinas forever. It wasn't anything regular either, but not illegal.

Then his MH and ability to self care deteriorated to the point that we had him assessed for dementia. Those tests came back that his memory was failing, but not enough to diagnose yet.

Nothing went further because 3 months later the police turned up at the door. You can fill in the blanks.

Subsequently, the court found him guilty and my sister and I both have restraining orders in place. It turned out most of our childhood was emotional abuse and we had no idea. The porn was the icing on the cake. By then he'd become so deranged from reality that he thought under 18s was acceptable.

It completely shattered my family to pieces and has made things like friendship and relationships very difficult.

I'm so sorry to hear what you went though, and thank you for sharing your experience @Spencer0220 😔

@whattouae if it helps someone, I'm willing to share. Besides, you asked respectfully.

I'll also add that it makes for a very trying relationship with my mum, who has been deeply affected living with him

Thankyou for sharing @Trynato @Spencer0220 @whattouae . That must have been a horrible time in your lives and I hope you have found some peace now.

@whattouae he's 38, from many conversations we have been having it started after a the failure of his first 'love' relationship, he was around 21 at the time and turned to porn as a "comfort thing" after feeling rejected. I will say, I am not against porn and sorry if that offends many people, but when someone turns to it for comfort or a stress relief I just don't understand. I'm working with my therapist on this to try and understand, as for me it triggers trust issues and not feeling worthy.

He's now saying he used the word "addict" because that's what he thought he was and the easiest way to try and explain it to me (which I still don't understand!) but the therapist he saw at the time didn't think he was one (apparently).
He still used the words 'addict' which keep haunting me, I don't know if he's telling the truth or not but because he openly told me, I didn't catch him or had any suspension of anything as our sex life and relationship has been amazing recently - So I think why would he lie about anything else?

I had some great and helpful advice on here about the steps he can take to squash this once and for all - regardless of what happens to our relationship. He's got a meeting with a tomorrow from a qualifed ATSAC and has also contacted the Laurel Centre as well started reading self help books and apps that give him daily activities to do.

There's alot to be said about living a peaceful, content life. You will not get that with this man. Neither will your children. I've always wanted my children's home to be full of light, happiness and peace. I would not invite this darkness into it. Porn addiction is darkness. I see you are both minimising his addiction now, he certainly will be because you have cancelled the wedding.
You will never know the full extent of it either. I cannot imagine a world where I have to dedicate time to ensuring my life partner is accessing what he should to combat porn addiction.
It's all just abit grim.

Also being the understanding supportive partner can go one of two ways. He either appreciates and values you for it OR he's just seen what you will tolerate...

This 100x over

He recently opened up to me at the weekend and told me he used to be addicted to porn and it took full control of his life. This was a few years ago and before me. He would watch porn every day a few times/hours and this eventually effected his past relationships (erectile disfunction and lack of intimacy and emotional connection) and his work and mental overall well being, he booked himself in for CBT which helped. He also put blocks on his phone and made steps to recover from this addiction. But he clearly was never fully healed.

From the original post. Sounds like a lot of backtracking going on now.

I later found out it started with regular pornography, escalated to more particular and odd but legal content, to animals, to drawn children, to real teens, to real little children.

I don't believe that at all tbh.
I think people use 'porn addiction' as an excuse to divert away from the facts of the situation, they make out that what they're watching is as a result of addiction to porn because then some people will feel sorry for them and it provides an excuse of sorts.

He watched children because he wanted to, he was sexually excited by children, that's why he watched it.

That's the same reason men watch trans porn even though they often try to paint it as 'porn addiction' that escalated. If they have to come up with some sort of explanation they'd rather say "porn addict" rather than "I'm attracted to trans people".

People find it less shameful to blame it on porn, rather than to say they watched because that's what they wanted to watch.

Ted Bundy tried to blame his crimes on porn too 😂

This. Been there got the tshirt. Your sense of self worth and confidence will erode over time. When he stays up later than you at night you'll never trust he's not doing it. Run run run.

Sometimes I thought I was so worthless I could drive my car into a wall because at least then I wouldn't torture myself with the knowledge I was never going to be good enough, love him enough to stop the addiction.

You've wasted enough time. Please get out. Happy to chat if you need it xx

@Arewethebadguys thankyou for sharing your experience. How did you deal with it, what was the outcome? x

we all go through life tests - the fact he asked for help is a good indication he wants to change. Will he succeed? maybe. more likely he will fail a few more times before sorting it out (this is normal) - are you willing to accept this? Porn, like alcohol, is extremely addictive and hard to get rid off. (got the scars for both!)
if you love him enough to support him in this difficult times, then do it. If you have other priorities, then do what you must. there is no "walk in the park" life unfortunately, we are all blessed with life tests.. hope you find peace

Thankyou. I’m not sure if he’s back tracking or just opening up more, when he initially told me I was so angry and hurt it was a brief conversation, once I had calmed down I had many many questions. To which he’s explained things more.
I asked him if he was/is an addict.
his reply “I don’t think I was a full addict because it didn’t take over my life. I just was aware that I was doing it way more than I would have liked. Does that make sense?”

so not really sure where to go with this, he’s fully opened up or am I been nieve and falling into believing lies? But then I think why would he lie as he could have not told me at all? Oh man this is so confusing and sad

He told you because he was freaking out about losing control again. I'm going to go off of your 1st post because all following posts are minimising which is really common for an addict and their partner to do.
This will happen every time you hit a bump in the road. He told you it took over his life, he's backtracking now you are showing that you have some boundaries. He will wear you down, you will continue in this relationship, shit will hit the fan, his addiction will escalate, he will get help blah blah, you will put it behind you till the shit hits the fan again and so on and so on. All this energy you are wasting worrying about him could be spent on your children.
Do not bring this shit into their lives. Imagine him furtively looking for opportunities to watch porn while your kids are around. Like I said, it's fucking grim.

But in your OP you said:

He recently opened up to me at the weekend and told me he used to be addicted to porn and it took full control of his life. This was a few years ago and before me. He would watch porn every day a few times/hours and this eventually effected his past relationships (erectile disfunction and lack of intimacy and emotional connection) and his work and mental overall well being

He's clearly backtracking/lying and not 'opening up' more.
He's pretending that the earlier conversation didn't happen.
No one would make up a load of embarrassing lies and pretend their porn use caused erectile dysfunction, ruined relationships, affected their work and overall wellbeing, and then later on 'open up' and say actually that didn't happen and they only watched it a bit more than they would have liked.

What @kkloo said is spot on.

My partner also seemed very self aware, open and honest about his addiction, was going to counselling and discussing it openly with me, being very vulnerable.

But despite all this, when we had a miscarriage, when we had a baby and obviously had less sex, when he's been tired or stressed, when we've had disagreements, all these have been given as reasons for relapses of varying degrees.. sometimes saying it's my fault.
This addiction makes the rest of the relationship so very hard because it affects your core intimacy and often damages your sex life, it kill's attraction and leaves you in a very hard place.

0 stars, would avoid!

Thanks @whattouae for sharing. Can I ask, are you guys still together? If you could do it all again I’m guessing you wouldn’t stay? Part of me if hoping he won’t do it again but I’m not sure I want to put my efforts and time and emotion into finding out, when I want all my energy to go onto my children.
part of me wants to leave because of the reasons above, part of me want to stay because I’m hopeful he’s in the minority and can change, plus it’s hard when we own a house together and my children absolutely love him, I guess I just need to build up the courage to go at it alone again and worried either way I’m going to regret it which truly sucks but it’s my own fault for falling in love too quick. Thanks

Let me save you some time @wouldlovearoast . You will stay with this man. It is going to be awful so buckle up, it'll be one bumpy ride. What he will take from all this is that you will tolerate his bullshit and cling on no matter what he throws at you. I'm getting pretty tired of women choosing shitty men over their children time and time again. It's depressing.

Just thought Ide share - I’ve left him. I’ve spent hours talking through with him and he’s told me he had done it when the children were in the house. I don’t understand how he could still do it despite the noise and distraction they are - it wasn’t enough, he still was so overcome by the urge to do it he gave in whilst we were in the house, he couldn’t even wait.
I just can’t take that risk around my children.
I’m absolutely devastated but I have no other choice.
My children come first every time.
Thanks for everyone’s support, here’s to a new beginning.

You've done the right thing. x