Just discovered my fiance was/is a porn addict

[wouldlovearoast]

Hi, I'm writing in here because I really don't know who else to talk to. It's an embarrassing subject and I honestly never thought one I'd ever be having. Sorry it's a long one, I just need to give context.

I've been with my partner for a couple of years and I have two young children with my ex husband - and my fiance has been amazing at being a step-dad. Life with him has been amazing. Not only that he is the most loving and loyal partner I have ever known and I am just really struggling with the news that he's recently told me - he is addicted to porn. He is the least expected person to tell me something like this.

He recently opened up to me at the weekend and told me he used to be addicted to porn and it took full control of his life. This was a few years ago and before me. He would watch porn every day a few times/hours and this eventually effected his past relationships (erectile disfunction and lack of intimacy and emotional connection) and his work and mental overall well being, he booked himself in for CBT which helped. He also put blocks on his phone and made steps to recover from this addiction. But he clearly was never fully healed.

Fast forward to us now, he told me he never felt it to be an issue before in our relationship, we had a wonderful first year and a half together but after some life stresses it did but strain on our relationship, but I thought we made it through and we got engaged last year.
Little did I know for the past couple of months he's felt like his addiction is creeping back in again and he doesn't want it to, thats when he told me about this problem and wanted me to know so I can help and he wanted to be fully open with me.

We're meant to be getting married in 7 months. I don't know what to do. I feel completely ashamed that he hasn't told me before, Ive been so open and honest with him about things ive gone through in life and felt so much recently that I wanted to go see a therapist so I can fully move forward in our relationship. Ive fully opened myself up to him and to feel like he couldn't do the same really hurts.
I know everyone has a past and it must have been difficult for him to tell me because he hates it about himself and feels ashamed, but that doesn't take away the hurt I feel.
It also really hurts that he told me he did it whilst I was in the room next door to him, or he would sneak off to the toilet to do it, I hate the lack of respect and the sneaking around and the fact he gets gratifcation from looking at other women. We have a really healthy sex life - so I am just confused.

I know people watch porn, and he claims he doesn't think that this time it's like before in his past, he says he has better control over it and feels better for telling me. He says he only does it now 3 times a week and it's only been like that when we went through our 'rocky patch'.
He said he does it when he's stressed or feels like he doesn't have that intimate connection with me. We've only ever not had an intimate connection when we went through a miscarriage, and thats why I'm going to see a therapist about. I understandably lost all of my self confidence which did effect our relationship and sex life.
It makes me sad he feels like he is drawn to his addiction when thing's are not 100% perfect in his life, because life will never perfect. I am worried now when things get hard, is his addiction going to flare up everytime and eventually ruin us.

Today he downloaded an app which helps with porn addiction and he was fully honet about his answers, the app claimed he actually is using porn a normal amount and like any other general person, but our concern is will it get worse again.

So after finding this out I of course now have doubts about getting married, he's saying and doing all the right things - re booked himself into therapy and has downloaded apps to help me, but I can't help thinking i've lost my trust for him, can I gain that back?

I am madly in love with this guy, I always thought he's too good to be true, but I don't want to throw something away when he's truly adamant this can get better and he can heal his addiction for once and for all. He really wants to stop and do everything he can to make this better.

Ive been married before and went through hell with my ex husband, so of course I am now very apprehensive. Do I give him a chance? Or do I cut my losses now?

Any advice would be hugely appreciated, I'm truly lost right now with it.

Thankyou.

Yeh I know thanks, this is the whole predicament I'm in. He's saying the addicition is not strong but my fear is that it will be again at some point because there's always going to be life stresses. He's shown me what he watches and its the usual porn, nothing extreme.
He said it isn't about the sex, its about a destress coping mechanism for him and we do have a really healthy sex life.
This is why I'm confused.
I want to help him because I love him but its a huge gamble as it may not pay off and ill be in a position to choose, without doubt ill choose my children and myself but equally I want to help him and whilst it isnt 'bad' at the moment it needs to be at level 0 with him being a recovering addict. If there was any risk to my children now there would be no chance ide be giving him another chance.

Again, if you’re going to stay then you need to do it with your eyes wide open. You have absolutely no idea what porn he watches. Of course he’s shown you some examples that he knows you will be okay with, he’s not going to show you the gang bang video involving underage girls and animals right off the bat is he🥲

Assume the absolute worst, and decide if you can live with that.

Any addict can be a risk to children, and you’d be being very naive if you think otherwise for even one second.

Sex/porn addiction isn't actually at all about the sex/orgasm/feeling horny. Plenty of addicts dont even masturbate at all.
It's a coping mechanism. So in times of high stress, loneliness boredom sadness depression. In this case porn provides the instant dopamine hit and distraction from the hard bits of life.

Op's partner found the miscarriage stressful didn't know how to deal with it. These addictions actually stunt the brain. They often start very young say 9 years old. Really ramp up in the teenage years they effectively miss out on forming coping mechanisms their brains stay stunted and immature. In addiction the brain re orders the basic survival needs. They should be food warmth and shelter/safety in addiction the top spot goes to porn/chosen acting out behaviours. The neural pathways in the brain have been reinforced for sometimes over 20 years or more. It takes time to reset the brain and a detox from porn/sex/masturbation and often any social media and screens for at least 3 months.

This is why specialised therapy is so important. Journalling everyday thoughts and feelings. Learning his triggers and learning some new coping mechanisms will help.

This is all the science and some of the why's. It's not excuses he is a grown adult and it's shitty to leave a loved one during a miscarriage to go and do something destructive. Its hurtful to say the least. Op doesn't have to stay with him through recovery she owes him nothing. But if he is willing to change like his life depends on it. Understanding can help in some ways to make it feel less personal as in it wasn't about op not being their for his sexual needs. Although it absolutely is common for addicts to (wrongly)blame their partners.

yeh I understand, thanks @Mrsttcno1 . How will I ever know? What if he is telling the truth and its minimal and he's actively getting help? Would you be willing to take the risk? Because if it is anything bad then thats another story obviously...

Well that’s the thing, you never will truly know. Hence you almost have to assume the absolute worst and decide if that is something you could live with or not.

If I was in your situation, genuinely, no I don’t think I would take the risk. I think the fact that you have two young children with your ex and are already 2 years in and mere months away from marriage with this man shows you have rushed things, and that is now becoming evident because you’re engaged to a man that you still don’t really know very well, hence the porn addiction coming as a surprise to you.

Personally, I’d be protecting myself and my children if I was you and distancing myself from this man because ultimately how well do you really know him, if you had no idea about this? Is that a man you’d want sleeping in your children’s home at night? Is that the life you want for yourself, worrying constantly every time he has a long shower, or nips to the bathroom at midnight? Personally, after just 2 years with someone and with young kids, I’d want better for myself and my kids.

I want to help because I love him...

This is not a great way of thinking about this. You are a mother first. He is quite literally a wanker. You're in no way duty bound to help him. It's not your job to fuck him post-miscarriage or during any other trauma in case he fucks up again.

To reframe it @wouldlovearoast …

Lets say he’s an alcoholic, and he’s now drinking but he’s telling you it’s okay because he’s only drinking a normal amount so it’s fine. Would you be okay with that man sharing yours & your childrens home? Doing pick ups from school? Looking after them while you have a night out? I’d hope not.

Or lets say he’s a drug addict, and he’s now just having 2 joints a week, or 1 bag of coke. Would you want that person in your home around your kids? I’d hope not.

Addiction is addiction, full stop really, and you have no idea what he’s looking at, how often, you have no idea if he’s on Pornhub for free or if he’s paying out each month to Only Fans. And you never ever will be sure. So decide if you can live with the worst.

The issue is that he's already told you he's going to make you feel responsible.

You'll spend the whole relationship, forevermore, walking on egg shells.

It actually feels pretty manipulative.

Now I'm not saying he's deliberately a bad person. But he's fully prepared, in his own words to blame you for his future choices.

And that's not ok.

His addiction is his and his alone. And you can't really 'help' with it. Because addiction is a personal struggle.

I wouldn't risk this relationship. Certainly wouldn't marry him. Because it sets you up for a lifetime if being manipulated intl thinking 'If I could just be everything for him he wouldn't use porn'. An abusive marriage where you never feel good enough.

@wouldlovearoast I'm sorry but you have to face the fact that if someone, in a relationship with you, has an addiction, then there are 3 factors in the relationship = you + him + addiction.

And the addiction will take priority over you every time.

Once you've accepted that, you can make a decision as to what you do.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

The problem with this addiction is it will be easier to cover up and harder to spot. You'll probably find yourself constantly wondering if he's slipped back into it. At least with drugs you can make them do testing etc but with this he could just delete the history in 2 seconds.

Worse than that. There's the OP, him, the porn, and two children...

Couldn't be with a man who is addicted to watching young tiny women having sex.

I’m sorry OP.
You are right to put off the wedding.

I can’t get past him telling you the lack of intimacy after your miscarriage sent him back to porn. I think that would be it for me.

Don’t risk getting pregnant with this man again.
💐

I agree that it's the right decision to put off the wedding.

I would say in his favour that it is incredibly self aware and healthy that he has shared this with you and is talking to you about it in some way. It's a lot worse when it is secretive and you stumble across it. And I do think that is a big point in his favour. If people are open and honest in relationships and love each other, then they have a much better chance to handle things that come their way.

Having said that, I think that he will always have a disposition to watching porn. Even if he reduces it now, there will likely be times in his life when he turns back to it. So you need to be very clear on how you feel about that and whether it's something you can tolerate. Most men do it, to some degree. Many don't tell their partners about it, but yours has - again, that is a good thing that he's sharing with you.

I can't give you much of an answer really, but I just want to say kudos to him for talking about it, and I hope that things improve for you both, as it sounds like you have a good relationship apart from this and it is something that many men struggle with - he's definitely not alone.

You need to book a few sessions with a good psychologist and try to figure this one out with a real mental health professional, forget MN and all these women projecting their own fears and shouting “dump him”. This is a very serious issue that involves addiction and your partner.

But it's not the porn that's the real issue!

The real problem is that he said, basically 'you having a miscarriage and not wanting sex was such an issue for me that I couldn't stop wanking.'

Subtext: if you fuck me as often as I want then I'll not do it again. Now be a sex doll please. For the rest of your life.

I haven't RTFT

Change the word 'porn' for 'alcohol' or 'cocaine', then reconsider

I know someone who is addicted to porn and masturbating. He can't even make it through a Sunday roast in a pub (with his kids!) Without watching porn. He makes my skin crawl.

Addiction is addiction. End of.

@WeeOrcadian I used to work with a guy like that, he would nip off to the toilets multiple times throughout the day. And shagged around on his wife.

In front of her though...nobody has ever been more in love with his wife than that creepy bastard.

Eww.

At least he’s not a coke addict who’s emptied all your savings (gotta look at the glass half full).

He does that too

He knows which toilets at work are the most soundproofed

Sometimes cycles to work so he can 'shower' when he gets there

He watches on his commute (on the BUS)

He's utterly repulsive

Being in a relationship with an addict is super stressful. Its like being in a 3 way relationship with gollum-like character. Lying evil sneeky and comes and goes.

I would postpone your wedding until you are more sure. It's sad he lied to you for so many years.

He could look at sex and love addicts anonymous- it’s a 12 step programme. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. It’s not your issue. Yes he’s shared it with you but what is HE going to do about it. If he was an alcoholic and he had a drink - would it be your fault?

He told you partly so you could help him?

Why should you help him?
Does he not think.you have enough on your plate with 2 (?) kids.

He didn't tell you about this until you were invested, mrriage plans etc. Fairly locked in.

The marriage plans are also too fast.

Going back to his addiction because of a miscarriage is not exactly a good omen for having kids with him, or any of the other stresses on life, is it?

(Also too early ttc or not being ironclad with contraception too. Do you think your kids, having had their parents break up, need a new step dad who's any kind of an addict and new step siblings? I don't mean to sound harsh but I'm going to have to say; think more about your kids than him.

Also people like this tend to be overly lovely to compensate for what they know about themselves, what they're going to subject you to. They know it makes it harder for someone to leave. You have to think "but apart from this he's the loveliest guy ever!". It's over compensation.

And yeah, saying "I'm a porn addict" but I'm only watching an average amount is ..... Kind of a joke.As someone said, that's like an alcoholic saying they're not drinking more than average ATM. Yeah but they're not an "average" person in that regard.

I often notice that some divorced and separated women really "go hard" at their next significant relationship.

Like they have to prove the breakdown of their marriage/relationship was not their fault, is not a pattern, that they're not "unloveable" or dysfunctional,that they're not a loser in love. It matters way way too much to them whether it is successful. It has to work out, or it says lots of things about them.

None of this is true, but it's how quite a lot of divorced and separated women seem to feel.

That if the next major relationship works out and is lasting, that it somehow cancels out or "rights" the broken down one.

I would say he very careful about that.