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Original poster

AIBU snoring - I'm so tired

84 replies

j3niam · 05/02/2024 01:43

I'd be interested to hear other people's views around what's reasonable with a snoring OH.

Been together 9 years. OH has always snored on and off....some nights more than others, but most nights I'll wake up at least once. It's kind of medium volume but I'm a light sleeper so will get woken up.

The first few years he wouldn't admit he
Snores and would even tell friends that I snore (which he thought was funny).
I feel like I've not had a decent night's sleep for years and am always so tired. He now admits he snores sometimes but he's a very strong believer that you cannot have a relationship if you sleep in separate rooms so if I ever try to go in the spare room he'll get upset and say the relationship won't work.

I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me (so he's there when I get back!).....so no escaping the snoring!

Am I being unreasonable wanting to move to a separate room when he snores? I've explained to him that it's not personal and it's just that I can't get through a day when I'm so tired, so talking about it again won't help. . . .

He doesn't

OP posts:
signingmylifeaway · 05/02/2024 01:50

Currently awake for the same reason, I think you're going to have to insist on sleeping in the spare room when you need to and to be honest if he's prepared to end the relationship over it, rather than consider your comfort and needs then that says a lot about him.

MonsteraMama · 05/02/2024 01:58

Honestly just go and sleep in the spare room. If he says the relationship won't work, say "ok I agree. I can't function on no sleep but you apparently don't care about my comfort or mental and physical wellbeing, so you're right. The relationship won't work."

Don't let him manipulate you with this nonsense. Sleep is literally vital to your health, and he's denying you that. Would you stay with someone who snatched 50% of the food off your plate leaving you constantly hungry and told you your relationship won't work if you don't allow them to eat 50% of all your food?

Ulysees · 05/02/2024 02:00

That sounds like emotional blackmail.

Dh snores and has gone downstairs to sleep when it's been bad and the spare room was in use. It's not such a bother if I'm not at work the next day.

I sometimes put headphones on with rain sounds. There's headbands you can get that play sounds/white noise too.

I really sympathise.

Tonight I have the noise of neighbours outside. It's really windy yet they have their discussions on the front. Of course they aren't working. No regard for those who do. Dross.

YouHaveLostTheGame · 05/02/2024 02:07

Dh and I have slept separately for 23 of our 24 years together due to him snoring or my restless legs and insomnia disturbing him.

I think your dh is being a bit of a twat in stopping you from going to the spare room. For many couples, the sleeping apart is what saves the marriage. Years of being laid awake next to sleeping snoring man who isn't willing to problem solve or use solutions is hardly going to make your marriage strong. I'd use the spare room regardless of what he says. Or book the hotel and tell him you need a full nights sleep and he's not to collect or turn up to stay.

You have my sympathies because sleep is one of the few things that caused issues with us and I'm pleased we resolved it quickly. It affects my chronic health problems if I don't sleep well and I dread to think have bad my health would have been had he guilted me into putting up with it.

The4teddybears · 05/02/2024 02:37

These are worth a try. They work for me and are An absolute game changer .

AIBU snoring - I'm so tired
FineMom · 05/02/2024 04:51

Agree with @MonsteraMama. What’s more sleep deprivation has been classified as a form of torture. This is serious. Everyone needs a good night’s sleep. When one of us has a cold or the other needs to get up early we regularly use the spare room. We have a cuddle together in the main bed before and then get together again in the morning. Good luck and please put your foot down.

stcrispinsday · 05/02/2024 05:43

It is deranged that he gets upset if you sleep elsewhere. He's asleep!! What possible difference does it make to him?!

I'd put my foot down about that, and also try silicon earplugs.

jeaux90 · 05/02/2024 07:00

JFC OP put your foot down.

And this nonsense about him picking you up if you have to be at a work do is weird and controlling.

He either sorts his snoring out or you get sleep in a different bedroom.

Honestly he sounds like a selfish nob.

ThePoshUns · 05/02/2024 07:07

You don't need his permission to sleep in the spare room, just do it.
He sounds very insecure and controlling.
My DH snores ( and twitches), I can't sleep in the same bed as him. We are still married.
I'd be more resentful if he forced me to sleep with him.

Veronicaisaflower · 05/02/2024 07:08

He sounds unbearable!! Agree with everyone else, insist he respects your needs or dump him. I would refuse to sleep with a snorer.

Gooseysgirl · 05/02/2024 07:09

"I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me (so he's there when I get back!).....so no escaping the snoring!" WTF! The difference between your snoring DH and mine is this: 'mine says... 'enjoy your night away and getting a good night's sleep!' You have a bigger problem than the snoring...

Russoooooo · 05/02/2024 07:11

MonsteraMama · 05/02/2024 01:58

Honestly just go and sleep in the spare room. If he says the relationship won't work, say "ok I agree. I can't function on no sleep but you apparently don't care about my comfort or mental and physical wellbeing, so you're right. The relationship won't work."

Don't let him manipulate you with this nonsense. Sleep is literally vital to your health, and he's denying you that. Would you stay with someone who snatched 50% of the food off your plate leaving you constantly hungry and told you your relationship won't work if you don't allow them to eat 50% of all your food?

^ This. He sounds awful.

idontlikealdi · 05/02/2024 07:11

Why would he come and stay with you at a work do that is just weird.

Sleep in the spare room. We sleep in separate rooms, it's bliss.

Celynfour · 05/02/2024 07:20

I agree with previous posters that the snoring is hiding a bigger problem . Why doesn’t he want you to sleep away from him - insists on joining you at work ?
Nobody’s insecurity and neediness should trump another adult’s need for a good sleep .

RowanMayfair · 05/02/2024 07:23

He sounds like an utterly selfish, childish dick. He insists on depriving you of sleep for some arbitrary belief about your relationship not being healthy if you don't share a bed - if he was my partner the relationship would have been over a long time ago. I'm not kidding. My DH jokes that he was the one I stuck with because he was happy to go sleep on the sofa bed for months when we started dating because I couldn't share a bed. And he doesn't even snore! How have you put up with this for so long?

Bonniegirlie · 05/02/2024 07:57

He is being a selfish arse. Wake him up EVERY TIME he snores. Several times a night for a few nights will make him glad you want to sleep separately Make it as bad for him as it is for you. . We have separate bedrooms because hubby snores and our marriage would not have survived long once he started snoring if we had stayed in the same room. And stop letting him join you in the hotels as well. Ear plugs aren’t comfortable and are disorienting.

Nearlythere80 · 05/02/2024 08:08

record him on your phone and play it back? He probably isn't taking it seriously. The whole work hotel thing is another weird.

lifeispainauchocolat · 05/02/2024 08:14

He actually sounds quite unpleasant and controlling.

Imagine not letting your wife sleep away for work without turning up at her hotel, or making her come for the night?

I'd be telling him he's right - the relationship isn't working. He sounds horrible and I think this is about much more than snoring.

SamW98 · 05/02/2024 09:01

jeaux90 · 05/02/2024 07:00

JFC OP put your foot down.

And this nonsense about him picking you up if you have to be at a work do is weird and controlling.

He either sorts his snoring out or you get sleep in a different bedroom.

Honestly he sounds like a selfish nob.

💯 this.

FreddyGD · 05/02/2024 09:05

Definitely move to the spare room, not just for ‘when’ he snores / it’ll be life changing!

He needs to deal with his insecurities big time!

SamW98 · 05/02/2024 09:06

Absolutely there’s far bigger issues here than snoring. Who the fuck does he think he is telling you the relationship won’t work if you sometimes sleep in the spare room? FFS I imagine a VERY high % of happy couples have nights in separate beds for whatever reason. If he views the relationship that fragile that you being in another room while he’s sound asleep would break it - then there’s not much worth saving.

And him turning up at your hotel when you’re at work events - a MASSIVE control red flag.

You know your opinions and needs matter? Its not all about him.

9 years you’ve tolerated this BS. Why?

Morvillehrs · 05/02/2024 09:14

Snoring is awful. My partner snores like a jet engine some nights. We are in separate rooms, I said I would leave if he disagreed. Sleep deprivation is listed as a type of torture for a reason!! I was like a walking zombie and it affected my emotional regulation etc. Take care op.

Morvillehrs · 05/02/2024 09:15

And yes agree with pp, if he keeps insisting on you staying in there then yes, wake him up every time.

Janetime · 05/02/2024 09:17

Ear plugs, like the poster upthread linked. I use the foam ones, I sleep soundly now, and I was on the point of moving to the spare room, and I was so exhausted. He still snores, but the noise is so muffled I don’t hear him enough to wake me if I’m asleep.

as rhe poster said, total game changer. I put them in before I go to sleep. Ie I don’t wait till he’s woken me through snoring, and I take them out in the morning,

I use these,

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B0B687MDH9/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Janetime · 05/02/2024 09:22

Also op, I’m also a light sleeper, so other noises would wake me too, just normal house noises or a fox outside, that doesn’t happen either now and I get a much better nights sleep all round,

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