AIBU snoring - I'm so tired

[j3niam]

I'd be interested to hear other people's views around what's reasonable with a snoring OH.

Been together 9 years. OH has always snored on and off....some nights more than others, but most nights I'll wake up at least once. It's kind of medium volume but I'm a light sleeper so will get woken up.

The first few years he wouldn't admit he
Snores and would even tell friends that I snore (which he thought was funny).
I feel like I've not had a decent night's sleep for years and am always so tired. He now admits he snores sometimes but he's a very strong believer that you cannot have a relationship if you sleep in separate rooms so if I ever try to go in the spare room he'll get upset and say the relationship won't work.

I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me (so he's there when I get back!).....so no escaping the snoring!

Am I being unreasonable wanting to move to a separate room when he snores? I've explained to him that it's not personal and it's just that I can't get through a day when I'm so tired, so talking about it again won't help. . . .

He doesn't

On one occasion when I brought up the fact I had not slept for several nights because of his snoring he said to me, "well if you can't sleep it's a medical matter, you need to go to the doctors." And then when I tried to explain further that it was definitely the snoring keeping me awake, he kept on repeating in my face "it's medical, it's medical." The bloody idiot. It is torture. Thankfully he's slept downstairs the past couple of nights and it has been utter relief. Not sure if he's done it intentionally or if he has just fallen asleep on the sofa, but good either way. How has your sleep been the past few days @j3niam ??

I'm more concerned about him not letting you be on your own at a work hotel trip. He sounds possessive and controlling.

Thanks for all the replies/advice.
This is what I was thinking but it's good to get different views to check I'm not being unreasonable. I now know I'm not being unreasonable!

He does have a lot of good qualities (otherwise I wouldn't put up with this), but it has caused resentment from my side as I wouldn't want to think I was stopping someone from sleeping!!
If I have a cold and am coughing all night he still wants to share a room!?!?!

@WinkyTinky that doesn't sound very nice. Do you think he was embarrassed that he snores which makes him react in that way and try to turn the problem around to you?
Or is he just being horrible? X

I did sleep better thanks as I had one night in the spare room and last night it wasn't as bad.
He did eventually get a wrist thing that gives him a minor shock when he snores (which he got after I explained multiple times that the lack of sleep was literally killing me). He stopped wearing it and wouldn't accept that he's snoring again, but I did notice it had come out of the drawer this morning after I spent a night in the spare room!!

Simple- you don't need his permission to sleep in a different room or to sleep in a hotel room alone. He does not own you.

I've been married 30+ years and we don't mind each other's snoring. DH would aways prefer us to sleep in the same bed, but he knows that he wouldn't have a chance in hell of dictating 'no' to me if I chose to sleep apart to protect my health and sanity! It's called respect and goes both ways!

In your situation he wouldn't protest about me sleeping in the spare room, much as he'd hate it, because he loves me and cares a lot about my well-being, as I care about his.

Honestly, you need to put your foot down and draw a very clear boundary about what you choose to do with your own body and your own sleep. It's time you insisted on respect from him and if he doesn't like it, then you may be better off without such a selfish and uncaring person in your life! His needs and wishes are not more important than yours you know!

I’m the snorer in my relationship. This is what I’ve done: got myself checked out for sleep apnoea which involved strapping on some kind of monitor a few nights in a row. I didn’t have it so no treatment involved. Then I got myself a mandibular advancement device (despite the fact that I have temporal mandibular joint syndrome). It’s uncomfortable at first but i wear it 5 nights a week. It hasn’t stopped the snoring, just subdued it a bit. So now I’m pursuing a steroid spray via the GP, but due to drug shortages I’ve been back and forward to the GP 4 times and still no prescription.
Anyway it’s not to say I’m a hero, just that there are things that can be tried and it’s reasonable to how your spouse would pursue some of these, not being able to sleep is just horrible.

@WinkyTinky his snoring could be a medical matter for him if he has sleep apnoea, untreated it can lead to heart attacks and probably a higher risk of dementia.

Why the heck should the OP move to the spare room? She should stay in her bed and the snoring husband should bugger off to the spare room !

That is some passive aggressive shit he is spinning you.