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Original poster

AIBU snoring - I'm so tired

84 replies

j3niam · 05/02/2024 01:43

I'd be interested to hear other people's views around what's reasonable with a snoring OH.

Been together 9 years. OH has always snored on and off....some nights more than others, but most nights I'll wake up at least once. It's kind of medium volume but I'm a light sleeper so will get woken up.

The first few years he wouldn't admit he
Snores and would even tell friends that I snore (which he thought was funny).
I feel like I've not had a decent night's sleep for years and am always so tired. He now admits he snores sometimes but he's a very strong believer that you cannot have a relationship if you sleep in separate rooms so if I ever try to go in the spare room he'll get upset and say the relationship won't work.

I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me (so he's there when I get back!).....so no escaping the snoring!

Am I being unreasonable wanting to move to a separate room when he snores? I've explained to him that it's not personal and it's just that I can't get through a day when I'm so tired, so talking about it again won't help. . . .

He doesn't

OP posts:
Echobelly · 05/02/2024 09:31

For the last 18 months I'd been mostly sleeping in the spare room after a bit, but in the last few months a) DH really started to realise this and started taking himself to the spare room (TBH, I didn't mind either way, it's also comfortable in the spare room, and b) the last 6 weeks he's been using a mouthguard that's actually working quite well but he does tend to find it too uncomfortable after a few hours and take it out but it has given me enough time to actually drop off and for the first time in ages we've actually managed to be in the same beds most nights. Things also improved for a bit when he lost some weight last year, but then his knee was giving him trouble so he stopped exercising

I hope this carries on because it's been a pain for holidays - I have to book places with a spare bed and for holidays without the kids we can never do hotels (which I'd prefer for those breaks) because I need the option of a separate room.

WinkyTinky · 05/02/2024 09:54

I'm in the process of dh becoming stbxh because of many many things, but the snoring is one of the most unbearable. It is actual mental torture lying there every single night getting more and more enraged at the noise. Even kicking and shoving him countless times does nothing to stop it so I end up going downstairs to sleep on the (uncomfortable) sofa as we have no spare room. And I can still bloody hear him from there.

Please please make your partner understand you need sleep for your basic health. You are not being unreasonable or unloving for wanting your own space to sleep. It's vital for your life ffs! If he refuses to accept this then you have no choice but to move on from this relationship. It grinds you down. I feel fcking exhausted all the time and I want that and need that to change before I become ill.

FoFanta · 05/02/2024 10:06

What has he done to try and manage his snoring? I have sleep apnea and snore really loudly. My husband was really struggling and was quite honest with me that it was starting to make him resent me, and he was worried about my health. SO I went to the sleep clinic, I've been using CPAP every night for the last 6 years and I have lost some weight. Do I love sleeping with CPAP? Absolutley not, but I love my husband, and I love the fact that I sleep much better.

The joining you on work trips is just ridiculous though! I would be sending him straight home. Is he a toddler that he cannot sleep alone?

Janetime · 05/02/2024 10:07

I’m really surprised at the amount of folks who don’t just use ear plugs.

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/02/2024 10:11

Elbow him every time he snores.

He'll either stop snoring or ask you to go to another room.

lifeispainauchocolat · 05/02/2024 10:21

Janetime · 05/02/2024 10:07

I’m really surprised at the amount of folks who don’t just use ear plugs.

They don't block out everything. They also cause me issues with impacted wax and then I end up with an awful earache.

Oblomov23 · 05/02/2024 10:21

Go to the spare room, or better still make him. Why on earth are you not standing up for yourself and telling him you don't want him sleeping in the hotel on your work conferences nights?

WinkyTinky · 05/02/2024 10:27

@Janetime it's not just the noise, it's the vibration, like a bloody pneumatic drill. He seems to find the resonant frequency of the bed frame and it rings....

@CatherinedeBourgh the elbowing stops it for a few seconds and then it starts again. And again, and again.........

Janiie · 05/02/2024 10:32

Bose sleep buds. 250 quid but worth it. Foam plugs never drowned out the racket in our home plus a snoring dh, but these work perfectly.

SamW98 · 05/02/2024 10:38

Did everyone saying ‘just get earplugs’ not read this biit

I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me

Theres FAR more going on here than snoring. Red flags 🚩

Ulysees · 05/02/2024 10:57

Janetime · 05/02/2024 10:07

I’m really surprised at the amount of folks who don’t just use ear plugs.

Earplugs don't work well. And come with their own problems. Plus there's much more going on here.

Ulysees · 05/02/2024 10:57

SamW98 · 05/02/2024 10:38

Did everyone saying ‘just get earplugs’ not read this biit

I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me

Theres FAR more going on here than snoring. Red flags 🚩

Edited

Absolutely!

Josette77 · 05/02/2024 11:01

Of course you get up and sleep separately. He sounds horrid. I agree the relationship won't last but not because of this.

Why is he following you to work events? He sounds insecure and controlling.

Janiie · 05/02/2024 11:08

SamW98 · 05/02/2024 10:38

Did everyone saying ‘just get earplugs’ not read this biit

I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me

Theres FAR more going on here than snoring. Red flags 🚩

Edited

Yes but it would be a start, no? Get some sleep then deal with whatever other shit is going on.

Ulysees · 05/02/2024 11:17

I'm sure op has already tried earplugs

CatamaranViper · 05/02/2024 11:18

We have a very similar problem. DH snores very badly at the moment due to a medical condition. I do wear earplugs as a result but sometimes he is so loud that even with these in I am disturbed. He has said about us having separate rooms but I don't like this as an idea and I've said I would see this as a huge issue in our relationship. However I have no problem with one of us moving into the spare room for the odd night. If he knows he's going to snore loudly (when he has a cold for example), he'll go into the spare room, or I will hop in if I'm being disturbed too much. He has paid for me to stay in a hotel as a treat before when he can tell I've been worn down by lack of sleep which I really appreciate.

So on the one hand, I can see him not wanting you to officially have separate bedrooms (because I feel the exact same way), but I do see red flags when he won't even let you have the odd night in the spare room or in a hotel.

Have you asked why he is so reluctant? Why he would see the odd night apart as a relationship killer? I don't think snorers understand how difficult it is to sleep with them and the long term effects of disturbed nights.

Has he done anything to tackle his snoring? IMO he should be making efforts to ensure you can get a decent night sleep and he should care about this.

SamW98 · 05/02/2024 11:22

Janiie · 05/02/2024 11:08

Yes but it would be a start, no? Get some sleep then deal with whatever other shit is going on.

Show quote history

I don’t see pandering to him as a good start, no.
Better she puts her foot down and tells him she’s sleeping in spare room and he can like it or lump it

Qwertyyui · 05/02/2024 11:36

I left my husband for this. We spend 15 months of me in a spare bunk bed and him making zero effort to assist with the snoring. Even in a different room I could hear him. I now sleep blissfully happy in my quiet house! If he had snored like that when I met him we wouldn't have got past the first night!

Janiie · 05/02/2024 11:38

SamW98 · 05/02/2024 11:22

I don’t see pandering to him as a good start, no.
Better she puts her foot down and tells him she’s sleeping in spare room and he can like it or lump it

Show quote history

Yes great idea to have a healthy and happy relationship sleep separately when proper sleep buds (not useless foam plugs) would solve the problem.

Granted he shouldn't be accompanying her to work dos unwanted but as I said she needs to get some sleep then deal with the other issues. None of us function well sleep deprived.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/02/2024 11:48

Yes great idea to have a healthy and happy relationship sleep separately when proper sleep buds (not useless foam plugs) would solve the problem

where is it written that you have to sleep in the same bed to have a healthy and happy relationship?

Morvillehrs · 05/02/2024 11:56

@Janetime I tried earplugs, I had some good silicone ones but like others I had ear issues with them and they didn’t block out the snoring as he gets loud like an engine.

Inthebitterend · 05/02/2024 12:17

I agree with pps regarding red flags and his selfishness.

Ask him to go and get test for sleep apnea. I know a couple of people (including myself) who were constantly having awful nights sleep, and all of us were tested and told we had apnea. My BIL was one of those people and my sister said the CPAP saved them, because his snoring was causing her so much stress.

RIPDotCotton · 05/02/2024 12:21

Gooseysgirl · 05/02/2024 07:09

"I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me (so he's there when I get back!).....so no escaping the snoring!" WTF! The difference between your snoring DH and mine is this: 'mine says... 'enjoy your night away and getting a good night's sleep!' You have a bigger problem than the snoring...

100% this! I was more disturbed that he won’t let you sleep in a hotel by yourself. Seems fairly controlling from the little bits of info you’ve given so far- and 100% selfish:(

StasisMom · 05/02/2024 13:09

Spare room all the way,

Cuppachuchu · 05/02/2024 13:48

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/02/2024 10:11

Elbow him every time he snores.

He'll either stop snoring or ask you to go to another room.

This. Do it every time.
We luckily have a spare room and one of us goes in there if the other is snoring/wriggling (mostly me) has a cough or cold. Sleep is crucial to your health.

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