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Original poster

AIBU snoring - I'm so tired

84 replies

j3niam · 05/02/2024 01:43

I'd be interested to hear other people's views around what's reasonable with a snoring OH.

Been together 9 years. OH has always snored on and off....some nights more than others, but most nights I'll wake up at least once. It's kind of medium volume but I'm a light sleeper so will get woken up.

The first few years he wouldn't admit he
Snores and would even tell friends that I snore (which he thought was funny).
I feel like I've not had a decent night's sleep for years and am always so tired. He now admits he snores sometimes but he's a very strong believer that you cannot have a relationship if you sleep in separate rooms so if I ever try to go in the spare room he'll get upset and say the relationship won't work.

I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me (so he's there when I get back!).....so no escaping the snoring!

Am I being unreasonable wanting to move to a separate room when he snores? I've explained to him that it's not personal and it's just that I can't get through a day when I'm so tired, so talking about it again won't help. . . .

He doesn't

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 05/02/2024 13:51

MonsteraMama · 05/02/2024 01:58

Honestly just go and sleep in the spare room. If he says the relationship won't work, say "ok I agree. I can't function on no sleep but you apparently don't care about my comfort or mental and physical wellbeing, so you're right. The relationship won't work."

Don't let him manipulate you with this nonsense. Sleep is literally vital to your health, and he's denying you that. Would you stay with someone who snatched 50% of the food off your plate leaving you constantly hungry and told you your relationship won't work if you don't allow them to eat 50% of all your food?

Well said. This is a very good analogy.

I put my foot down. I couldn’t care less whether DH is offended - he hasn’t gone to the Drs so if he snores and I wake, I move.

Bertielong3 · 05/02/2024 16:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Victoriancat · 05/02/2024 17:02

"if I ever try to go in the spare room he'll get upset and say the relationship won't work" after 9 YEARS?! Man sounds an absolute melt

MeridaBrave · 05/02/2024 17:05

Is he overweight? Could it be sleep apnea? my DH snores if he lies on his bad so I kick to turn over. I also have a big supply of earplugs.

Thisismyusernameforthetimebeing · 05/02/2024 17:06

My husband snores very loudly & it affects me so much. I go in bed with my son (double bed) or on the sofa in the lounge & my husband totally understands. He gets defensive about it but then admits he feels terrible.... however has done absolutely nothing to solve the problem.

I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind, between his snoring & our son waking up & coming to get me.

OP I wish we had a spare room. I would definitely use it. I don't understand why people who snore can make out their partner is being unreasonable for trying to avoid that god awful noise. YANBU!!!

Original poster
j3niam · 05/02/2024 17:08

MeridaBrave · 05/02/2024 17:05

Is he overweight? Could it be sleep apnea? my DH snores if he lies on his bad so I kick to turn over. I also have a big supply of earplugs.

No, he's pretty slim. I don't think it's sleep apnea as he doesn't wake himself up and he's pretty fresh in the morning!! I think he just snores!

OP posts:
whatsitcalledwhen · 05/02/2024 17:14

I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me (so he's there when I get back!).....so no escaping the snoring!

Do you understand how abnormal and controlling this is of him OP?

It's really, really fucking weird that he won't 'let' you sleep alone anywhere without him.

Really weird.

Cuppa2sugars · 05/02/2024 17:19

My marriage ended as one of the reasons was that exh wouldn’t let me sleep in another room.
My new partner snores too but we have separate rooms. It’s an old sprawling cottage with thick walls, and he’s in the far end bedroom, so i don’t hear a thing. cuddles in the evenings watching telly and in the mornings. Our relationship is fantastic.

Howbizarre22 · 05/02/2024 17:33

Develop some deafening snoring habits of your own and he’ll soon change his mind about the separate rooms!

celticprincess · 05/02/2024 21:26

So the sleep specialist on the telly last week was saying most snoring can be cured by losing weight. Is that something he needs to do? He also had a device that looked like an electric dog collar to make them turn over 😂😂😂.

Snoring is in unbearable. My DM snores badly and when I stay at her house I can hear it through the walls. So can the kids if they stay. We sometimes go away just her and me and I’ve had to start insisting on separate rooms each rather than a twin. I couldn’t manage it on a permanent basis. I’m single though so not even sure o could share a bed again on a permanent basis. 😂😂. Plenty couples sleep separately and if you’re lucky enough to have a spare room then it’s definitely something you need to get him on board with.

GettingStuffed · 05/02/2024 21:41

I agree about losing weight helping someone to stop snoring. I had sleep apnoea and as a result needed a CPAP machine. I've now lost over 3 stone since diagnosis and now I don't really snore anymore. DH has put on weight and now snores very loudly. I put up with it because he put up with me.

Whenwasthis · 05/02/2024 22:28

Silicone ear plugs are cheap, comfortable abd effective

0hNoNotAgain · 05/02/2024 22:41

j3niam · 05/02/2024 17:08

No, he's pretty slim. I don't think it's sleep apnea as he doesn't wake himself up and he's pretty fresh in the morning!! I think he just snores!

Show quote history

He could still have sleep apnea, he should be getting checked by his GP and referred if necessary.
I snored for years due to my huge tonsils, but only realised that was the cause when I had them out when I was 28 and I stopped snoring.
I never realised I was waking up, it was more that I couldn't breathe properly.....

If he refuses to go the GP to sort out his snoring which is impacting your sleep and health, he clearly doesn't value you so why would you stay with him at all?

Winnipeggy · 05/02/2024 22:47

Move, move now, you don't owe him anything and if he loved you he wouldn't care. Snoring is absolutely rage inducing, save your marriage and sleep in another room

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/02/2024 22:48

I can't comprehend the level of self absorption and selfishness that leads someone to think that they would rather their partner, who they are supposed to care about, be permanently tired, just so they can have their preference of sleeping next to someone. It's absolutely bonkers. Yes its nice to fall asleep next to someone and wake up next to someone but there is nothing stopping you doing that but going to actually get your sleep somewhere else. I can't believe you've put up with this nonsense just to satisfy his sleeping preference for 9 years! Lack of sleep leads to horrible changes to your body - you're more likely to have an accident, have mental health issues, struggle to concentrate, make mistakes, have a stroke or heart attack, and put on weight if you're chronically tired.

GLC789 · 05/02/2024 22:50

YANBU

I sneak away to to spare room at least once a week to escape my Husbands Goblin like snoring. Especially when he is a little under the weather or during hay fever seaaon. Our relationship is better for it for the following reasons:

I feel rested and get sleep myself
He's not been murdered in his sleep
He also gets better rest as I'm not there huffing and puffing and kicking him in his Sleep.

We always start the night in the same bed. The intimacy is there. I simply sneak out of his snoring starts and I can't get back to sleep.

ThisIsOk · 05/02/2024 22:52

Me and DH haven’t shared a room for about 18 months because of his snoring.

He complains all the time about not sharing a room yet he refuses to seek advice / help regarding his snoring so I quite happily sleep alone each night and get a great night’s sleep without feeling any guilt whatsoever 👍

ThisIsOk · 05/02/2024 22:58

Janetime · 05/02/2024 10:07

I’m really surprised at the amount of folks who don’t just use ear plugs.

Oh my God.

Why on earth haven’t any of us tried these?!

Thank God you arrived…..

🙄🙄🙄

WtP · 06/02/2024 00:28

@ThisIsOk Totally agree like cramming something in your ears is going to help if the whole bed is vibrating.
My girlfriend just can't comprehend how exhausting it is along with her constantly shifting about.
Thankfully we only spend 3 or so nights together a week in the same bed.

Avatartar · 06/02/2024 00:43

In the short term ear plugs and every time he wakes you use one of those insect bite zappers to give him a short shock - it will hopefully disturb his sleep without realising what you are doing (just to share the sleeplessness) - longer term different room and shake him off from work dos- very controlling behaviour

5YearsLeft · 06/02/2024 00:57

Sleep is a MUCH bigger issue than people realize. Studies have now shown that good quality sleep can add years to your life, whereas poor quality sleep can cut years off your life. So we’re not even just talking about OP’s “comfort” here. Anyone who is just “putting up with” a snorer and being awakened, or doing all the night wakings with children for years on end, really needs to read this, and talk to their DP/DH about changing the pattern.
https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2023/feb/23/good-quality-sleep-can-add-years-to-peoples-lives-study-suggests

Good quality sleep can add years to people’s lives, study suggests | Health | The Guardian

Researchers say findings indicate quantity of sleep alone is not enough to benefit; quality is key

https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2023/feb/23/good-quality-sleep-can-add-years-to-peoples-lives-study-suggests

FatherOfSeven · 06/02/2024 06:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Jodie782 · 06/02/2024 07:15

j3niam · 05/02/2024 01:43

I'd be interested to hear other people's views around what's reasonable with a snoring OH.

Been together 9 years. OH has always snored on and off....some nights more than others, but most nights I'll wake up at least once. It's kind of medium volume but I'm a light sleeper so will get woken up.

The first few years he wouldn't admit he
Snores and would even tell friends that I snore (which he thought was funny).
I feel like I've not had a decent night's sleep for years and am always so tired. He now admits he snores sometimes but he's a very strong believer that you cannot have a relationship if you sleep in separate rooms so if I ever try to go in the spare room he'll get upset and say the relationship won't work.

I would quite like to stay over in a hotel for work events and get some peace but he will either come to collect me or actually come and stay in my hotel room with me (so he's there when I get back!).....so no escaping the snoring!

Am I being unreasonable wanting to move to a separate room when he snores? I've explained to him that it's not personal and it's just that I can't get through a day when I'm so tired, so talking about it again won't help. . . .

He doesn't

I had this problem for years. I made him go to doctors because it had gotten so loud, I could hear him from outside our house! After being tested it turned out he has severe sleep apnea. No longer snores.

Newestname002 · 06/02/2024 10:34

@j3niam

He now admits he snores sometimes but he's a very strong believer that you cannot have a relationship if you sleep in separate rooms so if I ever try to go in the spare room he'll get upset and say the relationship won't work.

If he truly cared about you he'd do something constructive about his snoring wouldn't he? Eg: try over the counter stuff, try a specific mouth guard at night for those with tendency to snore, see his GP about a sleep clinic and/or sleep apnoea (which is really bad for his own health too) - has he done any of these things? If not why not? BTW: even slim people can have sleep apnoea.

Why is he damaging your own physical and mental health by not taking responsibility for his snoring? You will need to be a bit tougher about sleeping separately until he actively takes responsibility and treatment for his snoring - and don't let him take over your hotel room or pick you up if you don't want him to. 🌹

Hbosh · 06/02/2024 11:12

Depriving someone of sleep is considered torture. You can't even do that to prisoners. How someone would put their wife through that, just baffles me.

It's not about the snoring, is it?
He denies snoring (WTF would he deny it? It's not like he can hear himself snore)
He doesn't allow you to find solutions for your lack of sleep.
I would go as far as to call that abusive.

My husband and I both snore. We have a guestroom and regularly take a night apart to catch up on sleep. Sometimes we plan this ahead of time, sometimes whichever one of us wakes up first will move in the middle of the night.

When we had our youngest daughter and she didn't sleep for 2 years, we took turns sleeping in the guest room, while the other took the night shift. At least we had a solid nights sleep now and then.
My marriage sounds healthier than yours however, despite our regular nights apart 🤔