Very unpleasant 80yo FIL - when will he become less sharp?

[pinkdaphne]

Now I'm sure people will come at me here, because ultimately I'm asking when old age will really start to kick in on an elderly person. But if you knew the person I am talking about, and had to cope with regular interactions with them you would totally understand.

FIL is very unpleasant, he picks on people, he's extremely competitive about literally everything and he's beyond proud. He's just a very difficult person all round and I find myself wondering when he'll become less able, and more likely to stay home and sit down a bit more.

He is 80 and currently very able, he turns up at our house demanding to see the kids, who have all told me they find him "nasty" and my youngest daughter has even said he "makes me sad". DH has also joked that he looks forward to putting him in a home.

So, can anyone tell me how long do we have to put up with this? How long is a piece of string maybe? But when do 80 year olds start to slow down, particularly males.

You’ll put up with it till you stop pandering and deal

Getting old doesn’t suddenly make you not an arsehole. He’s 80. Unlikely to change imo.

Look to yourself and your DH to protect your kids rather than waiting for some bizarre personality change into a cuddly grandpa.

DH has had a lifetime of him, he is nicer to DH than me, he is nice to me in front of DH, to some small extent.

What I'm asking is not about personality per se, but physically when will he stay at home more, sit down more etc?

He could still be making your life a misery well in to his 90s unfortunately.

My mil is an unpleasant woman. Has always been selfish and self centred. This has only got worse with her age. I don’t see her. Can’t be arsed with it like my DH and sil. They’re all ahhh it’s because she’s old blah blah. No it isn’t. It’s because she’s a twat!

Stop being so available, if he turns up uninvited why are you letting him in?

It’s extremely likely he’ll just get worse.
Very old age has a tendency to bring out the absolute worst aspects of people’s personality.

@PinkiOcelot someone who understands, thank you.

I'm hoping that because he's male we're not looking at quite so long!

Ofcourse it's very different for different people. He could be out and about and super mobile for another 15 years. If you don't want to spend time with him, start doing something about it.

Mine was 96 when he died, and stayed the same up until his last few weeks. Some people run marathons at 100, OP. There's no generalising. You need to deal with the situation better, rather than wait for the situation to improve for you.

That could be weeks or years away, you do not know what will happen to him.

Stop letting this man into your home. Your DH and you here have a choice re this man and you do not have to let him in.

Hi op not sure re males. My mam is very hard work 82. Demands demands. Honestly i do be relieved to go home. They dont change. I try not pander to it) its hard

If he physically slows down he may become frustrated and even more sharp tongued.

“The ones you hate live forever” OP!
However you don’t have to put up with him, in my experience nasty young people just become nasty old people.

I feel like we cannot change him, believe me we have tried. DH and I have had numerous conversations and sometimes heated arguments about how we cannot change him. Doesn't help DH is an only child.
Hence why I am on here basically asking how long after 80 we can expect FIL to live!! Sad I know!

My dad is 90 and still as sharp as ever.

My mother, sadly, was a vindictive and cruel person her whole life. It got considerably worse as she aged. She died last autumn in her late 80s and never changed even though she knew she was dying. Not one person had a good word to say about her after her death. Very sad.

'D'GM was a malevolent demanding cow until she died aged 92. Sorry.

I‘m following as I am in a very similar situation and my DH being an only child panders constantly. All I can do is hope death comes soonish. It may be another ten years. But I no longer feel bad about hoping for death….i used to feel like an asshole. No more.

But I no longer feel bad about hoping for death….i used to feel like an asshole. No more

I've no guilt about the fact I used to long for GM to die so DM could have some sort of life apart from being a 24 hour nurse allowed no time to herself. Unfortunately she lived so long that when she did die DM had no idea how to have a life that wasn't totally centred around someone else.

You don’t have to see him. Or be nice to him. If he turns up tell him to go away or shut the door in his face. I don’t see FIL. If he turned up and demanded to see the children I would tell him very impolitely where to go

It can stop now because you stop doing as he wants. I don't personally believe it's dh's responsibility to take the lead, you are an adult communicating with another adult.
But the chances are it carries in untill the end of his life and his behaviour will deteriorate as he ages .

Average life expectancy age 80 is about 10 years.

So 50% of 80 year olds will die by 90.

Not all of them slow down first.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/articles/lifeexpectancycalculator/2019-06-07

My mother was v difficult and could be horrible. She is one of those who has been gentled by dementia. God knows I wouldn’t have wished it on her, but she is currently in a home, her medication seems well managed and I really love her now. She is very sweet. I’m afraid I sometimes consulted life expectancy calculators when visiting her before.

A nasty person is a nasty person, 20 or 80 makes no difference.
Stop him seeing your children. Would you let an unpleasant neighbour “demand” to see your dc ?
He turns up —- it’s not convenient right now, We’ll call you next week.
Please don’t make your dc see him just because he’s their grandparent. They should exercise choice and be able to state their win boundaries or they’ll become people pleasers.