Very unpleasant 80yo FIL - when will he become less sharp?

[pinkdaphne]

Now I'm sure people will come at me here, because ultimately I'm asking when old age will really start to kick in on an elderly person. But if you knew the person I am talking about, and had to cope with regular interactions with them you would totally understand.

FIL is very unpleasant, he picks on people, he's extremely competitive about literally everything and he's beyond proud. He's just a very difficult person all round and I find myself wondering when he'll become less able, and more likely to stay home and sit down a bit more.

He is 80 and currently very able, he turns up at our house demanding to see the kids, who have all told me they find him "nasty" and my youngest daughter has even said he "makes me sad". DH has also joked that he looks forward to putting him in a home.

So, can anyone tell me how long do we have to put up with this? How long is a piece of string maybe? But when do 80 year olds start to slow down, particularly males.

I’m sorry but no way would I allow anyone around my kids that they said was “nasty” and made them “sad”. I couldn’t care less what age they were or what other factors came into it. I’m a parent. It’s my job to put my children first.

@pinkdaphne are you going to wait until he drops down dead rather than do anything? What happens if he lives to 100 and is still sprightly but got nastier. You don’t stand up for your DC and they leave home and don’t want anything to do with you as you didn’t protect them from FIL

The cliche saying - You can't change how someone else behaves, only how you react to their behaviour is totally applicable here.

He won't change. Even if he becomes physically frail, he won't change. If he develops dementia, he won't change and may well get worse.

You and your DH have agency here. Your children are asking you to protect them from him - listen to them and refuse him entry to the house.

Yes - there will be unpleasantness but you have to protect your children or as soon as they can they'll be off, out and away.

My gran was a nasty piece of work until a year before she died. Something changed, and she became a normal(ish) person. Maybe it was a sense of being closer to death.

OP you don't seem to be grasping the fact that you and your DH actually NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO ADDRESS HIS HORRIBLE BEHAVIOUR rather than wish him dead...

Failing that shit in his coffee the next time he pops in and is nasty to your kids 🤷‍♀️

So insurance for cruise ships is harder from 80. I'd say from 80 my dad definitely slowed down, was less motivated. Obviously COVID didn't help, he was very sedentary from 85, died recently at 87.

I can't say I was upset, he'd had a decent life a damned good retirement on his terms and he wasn't very pleasant to me.

Got back from seeing my mum yesterday and looked up how long she's got left. She doesn't give a shit about anyone else. Anyone else's problems are seen through a prism of her, of how it effects her. She is utterly the centre of her world and believes she should be of everyone else. I will not be organising her 'celebration of life', not necessary because she made my dad's all about her!

FIL is still going strong at 88, moans a lot, has lost confidence in the last year or so. Worried more about falls. I'd say he was mellowing just before COVID. He can't be arsed with stuff beyond his immediate realm. Not particularly bothered about the grandchildren occasionally will pass a humourous, astute observation but doesn't get involved.

They get so entitled. Im fit for bed some weeks listening to crap. My sister feels same. Draining big time. 82. No end to it.

Just warning you, the arseholes live much longer than the good ones.
Could be over 100 these days so you might have to challenge his behaviour now.

Hope he makes his century...