Very unpleasant 80yo FIL - when will he become less sharp?

[pinkdaphne]

Now I'm sure people will come at me here, because ultimately I'm asking when old age will really start to kick in on an elderly person. But if you knew the person I am talking about, and had to cope with regular interactions with them you would totally understand.

FIL is very unpleasant, he picks on people, he's extremely competitive about literally everything and he's beyond proud. He's just a very difficult person all round and I find myself wondering when he'll become less able, and more likely to stay home and sit down a bit more.

He is 80 and currently very able, he turns up at our house demanding to see the kids, who have all told me they find him "nasty" and my youngest daughter has even said he "makes me sad". DH has also joked that he looks forward to putting him in a home.

So, can anyone tell me how long do we have to put up with this? How long is a piece of string maybe? But when do 80 year olds start to slow down, particularly males.

I dont know how to deal with this situation and I made a mess of it. The insults were flowing thick and fast in my direction only, when I tried to communicate to my mother the importance that she hear my request that she stop, she was instantly the victim of me, and my dad reprimanded me for hurting her.

If I could go back in time, which I can't, I might say a loud "ouch" everytime she said something hurtful. Or maybe I could have repeated the insult back to her in a calm way. Like she did.
Eg
Mum "you look like death warmed up"
Daughter "you look like death warmed up.
Mum "you're so sensitive"
Daughter "you're so sensitive".

I did it all wrong, tried to appeal to her self-awareness and empathy, ha ha like digging for gold in the back garden.

He won't mellow with old age if anything he'll get worse
Don't allow him in your home, he's affecting your children mentally and emotionally
Just because he's old it doesn't give him carte blanche to be an arsehole to you and your DH
It sounds like he's got all of his faculties and no Dementia so he's basically an old nasty bastard
Start standing up to him
You could have another 20 years of this

That's a blatantly ageist comment, and it isn't true.

So wish him dead rather than actually do something?

Why do you allow him access to your children?

It's not sad, it's horrible!

Of course you can't change him - but you can change you and what you will and won't accept.

Why aren't you addressing that?

We've seen this a couple of times recently. Long life and at the end nobody could think of anything that they liked about the person or what they did to enhance anything what so ever. It's sad because all the cruelty and making other people's lives difficult, literally achieves nothing other than everybody glad you are gone.

But, OP, you could have another decade of thus so you are going to have to set and enforce the boundaries. For your children's sake, at least.

Kill him with kindness

I’ve got an extremely nasty and bullying great-uncle - he’s exactly the same aged 94 and if anything, worse! Sorry OP 😕

You cannot change another person. Ever. But you can change yourself. It is time you and DH start being real parents and put in boundaries that protect your children.

For a start, and what will be the biggest and best change, dont let him enter your house anymore. DH sees him at his house or elsewhere. That is all YOU need to do to protect the children and yourself. Better than wishing another person dead.

I do what I can. Your right. My driver mam was 94 so could be years of this... my aunt thinks some people just really difficult to deal with. My mother is one.

I find they just worse with age
seems the older they get the less they care
also there very insular it’s all about them and there time scale basically they have little to do so everything is an issue

at least with my mum I can tell her
told her she’s so bloody rude and ungrateful she laughed and said I know

It's weird, apparently my life expectancy is 87 but my 80 year old mother's is 90.

My mil (always vicious and domineering ) has started to lose her bluster in the last couple of years, she is 86. She still has her moments but nothing like she was 20 years ago. What a waste of a life to always be that bitter and unpleasant.

Nasty people are nasty. They don't change.

If he is upsetting your DC why are you allowing him near them?

How you and your husband deal with him is absolutely up to you, and I appreciate the extra pressure there is as your DH is an extra child…. But don’t subject your children to this. Make arrangements that don’t involve them. It’s not fair, and it’ll come back to haunt you. They could have another 10 or 20 years of having to cope with this. They may well hold this against you. They’ve told you he makes them sad and they don’t want to see him. Your job is to listen to them and protect them.

Thanks for responding everyone.

A lot of these examples are elderly MILs - what id like to know is how long have the men in their 80s, in your lives, lived for, or, if still living, when did they start staying inside, sitting down a lot more?

My grandmother stopped driving in her mid nineties, and no longer walked more than maybe half a mile. At around 100 she stopped leaving the house alone.

But IME people past 70, although often able to go on being active and independent for years, can go downhill very quickly with an illness or just a bad fall.

I have a relation still working as head of the family firm, he’s well into his 90s!

My grandfather and uncle (both nice though set in their ways) both died at 86, having become distinctly less energetic in their early 80s.

My FIL at 82 is a lot less energetic than he used to be.

In my family there is often a really big change between 75 and 85. So I think you could expect some sort of change over the next 5 years. Not necessarily becoming nicer, but less driven.

Thanks - this gives me some (shorter-term) hope!

It really doesn’t matter how long he lives. You don’t have to wait. From today things can be different. Don’t have in in your house or around your kids. If DH wishes to maintain a relationship then that’s up to him.

Same here!

Why aren’t you doing something about it now rather than waiting for him to drop dead or become really infirm. Your DC will remember that you didn’t look out for them when nasty grandad visited

You're actually deliberately ignoring the posters who are asking what are YOU going to do about it rather than waiting for an old man to die.

Hope your DH doesn't start taking after his father...