Very unpleasant 80yo FIL - when will he become less sharp?

[pinkdaphne]

Now I'm sure people will come at me here, because ultimately I'm asking when old age will really start to kick in on an elderly person. But if you knew the person I am talking about, and had to cope with regular interactions with them you would totally understand.

FIL is very unpleasant, he picks on people, he's extremely competitive about literally everything and he's beyond proud. He's just a very difficult person all round and I find myself wondering when he'll become less able, and more likely to stay home and sit down a bit more.

He is 80 and currently very able, he turns up at our house demanding to see the kids, who have all told me they find him "nasty" and my youngest daughter has even said he "makes me sad". DH has also joked that he looks forward to putting him in a home.

So, can anyone tell me how long do we have to put up with this? How long is a piece of string maybe? But when do 80 year olds start to slow down, particularly males.

In my experience within my own family, old age has made people more themselves. It also makes them more dependent on others, so any issues are magnified because you are interacting in a very different way.

And later old age is very, very tough in so many ways, which is unlikely to bring out the best in most of us. If you are in pain, becoming confused, your friends are dying, you are losing mobility etc, you can probably be forgiven for being grumpy, self centred and demanding - which all of my elderly (close) relatives were at the end.

If you love them, you care for them and you try to understand what it feels like to be them. But the OP is deluded if she thinks her horrible FIL is about to mellow into his old age. She seems to be assuming he will become a less powerful person and less of a problem as he gets older. This will only be true if her and her OH are able to set really clear boundaries, which they need to do now, not wait for some mythical personality change.

The OP is ignoring all these posts though.

And she calls her father-in-law horrible!

He never will

It's not ageist at all, it's factual.

Reduce the visits. They dont change. Its very draining though. Hard know op some have great energy lol. Mine is 82

Pmsl about your DH’s comment.

im going to guess if he hasn’t mellowed by the age of eighty, he’s not going to!

That may be your experience but it’s not mine.
My truly lovely grandmother who now passed her 100th year. Has become more and more stroppy and unkind as she gets older and older and her life becomes smaller and harder. I still love her, visit her and am endlessly patient. That fact is that she can now be a mean lady who hits strangers who are trying to help her. What I see of the other residents she lives with, this is very common.
It’s not ageist but a FACT that the aging body and brain can cause changes in behaviour and personality, same as it can cause, loss of hearing, sight and mobility. A person who. Is difficult when they are 50 is not going to magically become a nice person when they hit 80.

@YNK oh, well if some fucknut you found on YouTube said it then it must be true 🙄

Old age doesn't turn people into narcissists or arseholes. Dementia can cause personality changes, lower inhibitions etc. Chronic pain and illness can cause short tempers and low mood. But neither of those phenomena is confined to the very old. Saying that old age itself brings out worst in someone or makes them narcissistic - that's just ignorant, damaging, ageist bullshit.

I don't know why posters keep posting to say OP can do something about it now....'keep your kids away from him....get your husband to do deal with....don't have him in your house....'. As if OP has all the power and can singlehandedly make all these decisions.

Do posters not realise that other people have much more difficult family setups or there may too high a price to pay for acting recklessly, perhaps long term effects that OP might want to avoid. and once posters post their advice they are not going to be there to help pickup the pieces of @OP's life. If they could do any of these things in the first place (it's unlikely none of these simple solutions have occurred to @OP) they would have acted on them ages ago? Sometimes posters come from cultures were inlaw relationships have to be handled much more cautiously & rather than going straight for the jugular so simplistic posts really do not help.

Of course @OP wants to protect her Dc and herself but I sense she is asking for more subtle ways that will result in less of a fallout than the bull in a china store posters are offering.

@LadeOde thanks, this is true. And to be fair we don't have the energy or patience for a fall out. It wouldn't go anywhere.

In my OP I am quite clearly asking when will an 80 year old man slow down a bit?

Funny how the twisted little posters on mumsnet love to create an argument. It's really quite entertaining given this is anonymous and if I cared what anyone thought I wouldn't be asking the life expectancy of someone 😂

"physically when will he stay at home more, sit down more etc?"

Fucking hell OP, you're wanting to render the fella housebound rather than finding your spine and saying "not today thanks" when he comes round?

You got it

Sorry op but my grandfather lived to 101. you're looking at 20% of men living to 90 so if there's no current health concerns I'd be banking on another 10 years at least.

Don’t hold your breath and don’t be fooled 💐

In my experience nasty people like this get even worse as they get older. So in answer to your question, he will be an even worse basta*d until the day he dies.

He won't become "less sharp". He might have a decline in mobility and vigour around 85ish if my experience of male relatives is anything to go by, but in our cases that made them more irritable, not less.

Waiting it out will waste years of your and your children's lives. Boundaries now saves so much pain and hassle/

Get a ring doorbell and hide when he comes.

He can't/ won't be persuaded and is liable to get worse. Just don't be in.

His personality won't change. As other posters have said, in my experience the negative aspects of personality can become heightened in old age. You want him to slow down and stay at home more, but that is likely to only happen if he has health issues which make him less mobile. However that may mean that actually your family needs to do more to help him out and see him more. It is also likely to mean that he will become more horrible as people of all ages generally don't show their best side when they are dealing with illness and pain. He may also live for 15 or 20 more years. The only way of you coping better is to change your own attitude and behaviour towards him, you can not expect him to change.

Sorry OP, mine is approaching 91 and has been pretty horrible all my life until a few months ago. It's such a hard burden to carry and I really feel for you. This time last year I went NC with him for a couple of months it was so bad. Really hope you don't have to endure for that long though x

I'm afraid I have to report that my FIL lived till he was 94 and was still going out and about on his bike a couple of days before he died.

I would echo what people say about unpleasant people getting more unpleasant as they get older, because they can lose their filters. My mother really became positively nasty as she slipped towards dementia.

Can you really not make it clear to him that you will not be letting him in if he turns up without being asked? I know you might have to deal with a bit of shouting but ultimately surely the message would get through.

What I found was there was a big difference between their abilities at 80 and at 85. It was downhill for mine from 85.

My grand father was like that.
He died when he was 99yo.

He was still a pain, still abusive and managed to carry that through his will ‘to carry in hurting us beyond the grave’ (my dad’s words).
(He was also still living at home, independently with his wife, who was the same age btw. So in your situation, the not coming as often might take a long time to come. If ever)

I’m just happy I stopped having anything to do with him since I was in my 20s.
My dad should have stepped back a long time ago but the FOG…

Let's face it - he won't change. It could be many more years yet before he is no longer able to visit you independently. My late MIL was still driving at 90.

The only thing you can change is how you respond. He's vile to your children, so protect them. They do not need to have any contact with him at all. If he turns up unexpectedly, invent a reason why you are 'going out' in a minute's time, so he can't come in. Either that, or just don't open the door.

Are you unpleasant to everyone or targeting only me?
Did you check the professors qualifications at all?

Have you ever said to him he's rude and upsets your kids? I'm always amazed on MN that nobody ever raised a concern with nasty or
rude ppl.

Yes the question was perfectly clear, and you’ve repeated it several times. Unfortunately, nobody can tell you the answer, because each individual person is different. He could start to slow down next year, or he could stay fit and active until he’s over 90. He is unlikely to mellow, he might become even nastier as he gets older.

Instead of looking ahead to a time when he might slow down, you’d be better off taking action yourself to reduce the negative effects he has on you and your family. Stop letting him into your house to upset your kids, for a start. If you continue to let him do that they’ll start to resent you.