think she likes me, she's just started dating another guy, wanna disclose: irl or text?

[seekingadvice1234]

hey mumsnet :) thought u might be able to help me... any advice really appreciated <3

situation:

UK m32 f25 we work together (I know I know) for a year and a bit.

honestly always liked her, I was in a ltr until around 6 months ago, thought about making a move since but wanted to give myself space to heal etc. also didn't want it to be a rebound thing - she's very very lovely.

still don't quite know if she likes me back, hard to read but definitely some positive signs.

she wasn't really involved with anyone for most of the time I've known her but now she's gone on a couple of dates with another boy...

I feel very strongly about this girl, I increasingly want to just say like, this is how I feel, if you are interested let me know.

regardless of whether this is a good idea or not (though any advice on that is appreciated lol) my question is...

should this statement be made in real life, or as a message?

I feel like in real life could be putting pressure on her to respond (also terrifying), but then a message is like a cop out? / would make it super awkward next time we see each other.

hindered by:

work together - don't wanna make work awkward for her.

friends - don't wanna explode friendship (also friendship group at work).

age gap - super wary of pushing anything at all cos creep factor.

motivation for disclosure:
think we could be really great together, this other guy sounds ok but yknow, so thinking I should say before it's too late / they end up a proper couple...

any advice (particularly from mid twenties women) super appreciated ty ty

Bite the bullet and ask her out for a drink after work one evening. Don’t text. If she says no, move on.

Please leave it. You’re correct the age gap and working together issues make things very awkward. Don’t put her in that position, it’s not fair and she’s just started a new relationship, it would be very selfish of you. Definitely don’t do it to her face if you insist on making things awkward, it’s much easier to let someone down kindly via text.

Also, stop referring to her as a girl, she’s an adult woman.

Don't shit where you eat.

You will be 40 years old in 5 years, you’re not a boy and hopefully not looking to date a girl! You’re typing like a teen 😄 yikes.

What exactly has she said that makes you believe she has feelings for you beyond friendship? You talk about how you feel about her, but nothing from her point of view.
Women (that's what she is, not a girl) often find that men mistake friendly behaviour as romantic interest, especially when they're younger.
I wouldn't say anything to her, you're likely to make her feel uncomfortable around you, especially with the age gap. Are you her superior? Also you're not a boy, the whole post reads like it was written by an infatuated teenager, I think you should continue working on yourself.

she wasn't really involved with anyone for most of the time I've known her but now she's gone on a couple of dates with another boy...

1. Hopefully she's gone on some dates with a man. And you are definitely a man.
2. So when she was single, you didn't express an interest - why? Weird timing.

Look up the numerous posts on MN about women in work environments that have literally been hit on by ALL their male colleagues... kinda grim.

If you're hell-bent on doing this, just do a simple lunch coffee. Don't give ANY indication that you fancy her. Let the coffee do the heavy lifting. At most ask about her relationship, which in itself is a bit over the line already, but it will help you gauge her feelings.

He's 32..... it's another 8 years to 40 ...

The OP sounds and writes like he's on his way to school though.

my friend says for zoomers irl is a no go but yeah this would be my instinct idk

forgive my written style, that's how everyone my age I know types tho =/

reasons for not acting sooner are in op - I was in a ltr and then healing 🙏

she is deffo flirty sometimes, I'm not one of those guys who thinks every *woman is coming on to him trust me

I wouldn't make a big declaration. Just ask her if she'd like to go on a date with you (making clear it's a date not a friend thing) if she says yes go from there. If she says no back off & be professional and fair at work.
Unless you are her boss or her senior at work, at that point back right off as you will be in unethical territory.
I'm in my 40s & a pre apps person though so make of that what you will.

Nothing to say here except 'Wanna Disclose' is now my go to title for a YA romance, if I ever write one 😆

I'm deffo not her senior lol she's in a higher position than me

it's not a grim office romance thing we work in the outdoors with schoolkids

Nothing to say here except 'Wanna Disclose' is now my go to title for a YA romance, if I ever write one

In fairness I'm not in my 20s/30s but I genuinely don't think I could date someone who uses wanna (or gonna for completeness). Perhaps I'd have to resign myself to a lonely life with the Oxford Complete Dictionary as my only companionship.

As for the question asked, I'd leave it or go for the drinks invite. But I'm with the PPs who said friendliness towards a colleague can often be misinterpreted, particularly by men.

Are you sure you’re 32? Nobody I know in their early 30s (or late 20s come to that) types like this. Do you just do the outdoor activities or do you have an educational role?

bit of both, activities and more teachery sessions :)

reasons for not acting sooner are in op - I was in a ltr and then healing
Right up until the moment she went on a date, and then you were ready for a relationship. From the outside it looks rather like you had expected her to stay single until you were ready to ask her out. Or as if your feelings grew stronger when you realised that other men were interested in her. If I was her, and had been flirting with you, but you waited until the very moment I was dating someone before showing an interest, I'd feel cynical.

Agree that a statement/declaration is not the way to go. "Fancy going for a coffee?" is preferable to "Here are my strong feelings. Please deal with them."

mmmmm ok this is very true

u sussed me

I'm not here to suss you. I'm warning you how she might interpret your behaviour. Feel free to ignore the warning so that this woman can interpret your behaviour how she likes.

I would definitely not declare any feelings, in person or via text. I would be mortified if at 25, a 32 year old colleague did that. It's bad enough having half my colleagues mistake kindness/polite behaviour for me being interested and asking me out on a date.
If you genuinely think she's interested in you, I would ask her to go for a drink/dinner after work one day. You don't need to clarify that it's a date. See how it goes.
My gen Z friendship group has had this a few times recently and the group chat has drafted a message friend zoning him to make it super clear that he's not to try to take it further. Hence, leave it ambiguous as to whether it's a date and let her decide.

You sound super sweet 😄
Don’t lose time and ask her out. Not directly. But say sth like we should grab a drink sometime and see how she reacts.
Do you communicate on WhatsApp? Send her a message on sth common (work related maybe?) and drop sth vague about going for a drink. If she says sure don’t drop it. Ask her when she is free.
Bear in mind she might have picked up you like her and told you she is dating so that you make a move.

Errr…32 and 25 is not a big difference at all…

no for real 80s I appreciate it, u got it 100% lol

I can't make the quote reply work but Rania,

ty agree. having considered it more clearly this morning (last night I was a bit too full of feels I think) deffo a declaration is a bad idea.

I'm gna try and come up with an outing that's like... this is obvz a date but if you're not on it we can easily both pretend it wasn't a date and thus hopefully avoid super awkwardness

It's not a huge difference and I haven't said it is. I said I'd have been mortified if a 32 year old colleague declared feelings for me.
I would expect a slightly older colleague to act professional, and not put me on the spot with his feelings for me. The OP's post reads like he's going to do a teenage-style message about having feelings for his colleague, which would be cringey. I would expect a slightly older colleague to ask me out to dinner/drinks like an adult.

that's fair deffo

she got me feeling like a teenage boy ngl