think she likes me, she's just started dating another guy, wanna disclose: irl or text?

[seekingadvice1234]

hey mumsnet :) thought u might be able to help me... any advice really appreciated <3

situation:

UK m32 f25 we work together (I know I know) for a year and a bit.

honestly always liked her, I was in a ltr until around 6 months ago, thought about making a move since but wanted to give myself space to heal etc. also didn't want it to be a rebound thing - she's very very lovely.

still don't quite know if she likes me back, hard to read but definitely some positive signs.

she wasn't really involved with anyone for most of the time I've known her but now she's gone on a couple of dates with another boy...

I feel very strongly about this girl, I increasingly want to just say like, this is how I feel, if you are interested let me know.

regardless of whether this is a good idea or not (though any advice on that is appreciated lol) my question is...

should this statement be made in real life, or as a message?

I feel like in real life could be putting pressure on her to respond (also terrifying), but then a message is like a cop out? / would make it super awkward next time we see each other.

hindered by:

work together - don't wanna make work awkward for her.

friends - don't wanna explode friendship (also friendship group at work).

age gap - super wary of pushing anything at all cos creep factor.

motivation for disclosure:
think we could be really great together, this other guy sounds ok but yknow, so thinking I should say before it's too late / they end up a proper couple...

any advice (particularly from mid twenties women) super appreciated ty ty

To quote reply, press the three dots in the corner of a message and press "quote".

Dinner/drinks is definitely an acceptable 'could be a date or could be colleagues hanging out', don't overthink it. I've been on the receiving end of this a tonne of times, and activities make it more awkward.

omg tysm sorry for being dumb

I hear you, idk she's not really a dinner / drinks kind of woman, I was thinking like, a walk to a beauty spot (cos that's more her thing)

(as opposed to like, minigolf or something equally intolerable lol)

Yeah I am a woman (45 OP, so unfortunately not the 25 yo you sre seeking advice from but have been there so might be useful 😆) and when I liked someone and chatted I dropped a line like “ohh that would require a glass of wine to discuss”. You could drop a line like this, see how she reacts and if positive say sth like “let me know when free” and smile at her.

that's a cute line =)

I spend the whole time with her smiling like an idiot lol

I would deffo go with inviting her out to do something outdoorsy/ fun.

to elaborate +/ contextualise,

I think my line of thinking that led to declaration / disclosure was that, given the age gap I'm just so so wary of actually exerting any agency on the situation if that makes sense?

which is dumb cos honestly she is so confident, together, self assured - she is in no way someone that would go along with anything she didn't want to do

but my ex used to go on and on about how creepy any age gap above like 3 years was, it's hard to get that out my head

so disclosure seemed like "ok I'll just tell her how I feel then the ball is 100% in her court"

but like ppl have said here, I guess it's actually not a passive / gentle approach at all it's kinda the opposite

basically I like her so so much I am incapable of thinking straight lol

so tysm mn all the input is rly appreciated <3

Just bear in mind that if she is between you and the other guy and you don’t make a move she might choose the other man just because she may think you are not bold enough. Or that you don’t like her enough to risk a rejection. That’s what I would think.
If I would like someone a lot I would prefer a rejection rather than not knowing. Although I have a feeling that you both know….😆. Drop something vague and take it from there. But don’t lose time bcs the other guy has already made a move.

this is also true, honestly I do think we both know, I think cos my breakup is still fairly recent (it was a 7yr ltr and very prolonged breakup etc. etc.) so I feel like I was deffo holding back not wanting to mess it up and maybe she is / was too?

this other guy has just got me mad flustered lol, apparently he is making her gnocchi this evening

I'm doomed 😭

Has she told you this? She is really playing you 😆.

Tell her sth like “oh, you could then show me how to make it. I ll bring the wine”.

haha yeah she told me but I don't think it's playing she's such an angel

You type like my teen DD. Leave the poor woman alone.

ouch right in the personal self expression

am I not at liberty to bare my soul in the manner of my choosing?

& does that aforementioned manner preclude me from becoming a loving, caring, valuable partner?

idk lmk at ur earliest convenience tysm

OMG …

Imagine being in a real life relationship with someone who communicates like the OP?

Hope you’re having fun here, @seekingadvice1234 …

You seem to be having reading comprehension troubles. I did not say that you writing like my DD precluded you from romance, I made an observation. It was a separate sentence to the following advice to leave the poor woman alone.

You come across as creepy and predatory. She is dating someone else, your advances would be unwelcome. The fact you don’t understand this is what precludes you from a relationship currently.

savage =(

idk I don't get the focus on textual style, seems at the least inconsequential, at the most irrelevant

creepy + predatory cos of the age gap?

interested genuinely

Flirt back if she's genuinely flirting with you and you are not just misreading. It's not hard if 2 people feel the same way. A gaze that is held for longer usually conveys as much as words can. If she doesn't hold it and looks away, you've probably misread it all.

I do, and yeah she gives some fairly clear signs, I'm gna see how her 2nd date went, if she's into him then obvz I'll leave it, of she's meh then I'll propose

jk I'll ask her to go for a walk :)

I'm a lot older than the people you are seeking advice from, however, I was the woman in question in the EXACT same scenario. I'd just started dating someone, when a bloke at work, a few years older than me, decided to ask me out for a drink. I'd worked there for four years and he'd never made a move. He was a genuinely nice guy but not my type. Totally ruined the friendship and made work really awkward.

But if you do decide to go ahead, for the love of all that is holy, use actual words and not that childish mash of text-speak and "feels" jargon. If she is in anyway normal and even slightly educated she will back away with a puzzled expression not having a clue about how you "feels".

I will endeavour to do so :)

idk I just think it's cute, and easier to type

but it seems mn is really not about that so I'll write properly in future 🙏

It’s definitely not cute.

‘Deeply annoying’ would be accurate. Women prefer men to present themselves as actual adults.

idk I just think it's cute, and easier to type

Spoiler: it isn’t cute and it’s difficult and tiring to read.

I find this thread very entertaining:)
Please do update us on how it goes.
If she is flirting back, she’s interested.

idk I just think it's cute, and easier to type

Oh lordy, no, it is NOT cute! It's utterly cringeworthy and headache inducing! I know I'm old, I'm of the age that invented text-speak because we were charged per text and you had limited characters. There is absolutely no need for it in this day and age!

You do not sound like a 32 year old grown man. I would be hugely put off by your typing style.