Another porn one

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Changed my name, it'll be clear why.

Back story is a relationship of 30 years, been rocky here and there. A few years ago we went thru a tumultuous time with health, family deaths, etc and my H just became more and more distant, negative and selfish. Speaking to me badly etc. things culminated in me having a breakdown. It turned out that while I was dealing with everything my H had become addicted to porn. I was broken that he just kept me at arms length while I was going through all of this and he was constantly on porn. It all came out that he was stressed and he went to therapy. He and the therapist kept insisting I went along too, I was completely humiliated but I went. It was all about how stressed he was and things we could do to repair our relationship, never once about what his addiction and deceit did to me but Anyway.

We managed to move on with the understanding that like any addict porn was now a no go. Weve both been under a lot of stress lately and the past few months have again been rocky, he became distant, selfish, secretive, no physical contact, etc. I've had suspicions and spoke to him last week about the state our relationship is in. I asked him of he'd been watching porn again and he looked me dead and said he hadn't. But tonight he left his phone home while out and its confirmed that he's been looking at 'not reallynporn' but pages on Facebook that's porn enough. I've lost it tonight. It almost destroyed me last time. I'm in bed now and can't sleep, hes on the sofa. I just can't believe he'd jeopardise us again for seedy shit on Facebook. I don't known why I'm posting and I'm sure I'll have the 'porns not bad' people on at me. I used to be like that, if anything Ive always been more adventurous in bed and I'd watch it with him, but it changes his personality when he gets sucked in to it. Sorry for the essay, I obviously can't tell anyone and I just feel so incredibly alone.

I'm so sorry, OP. Porn is bad. It is infidelity--selfishly seeking gratification outside of the marriage is morally wrong.

I hope for the sake of your marriage that he is willing to admit he has a problem, and get therapy for his issue.

I'm normally very anti LTB but you sound very broken over this from your post and I'm completely with you that porn is unacceptable in a relationship. If other women are okay with it, that's their opinion but to me it's a form of infidelity like the PP has said, I doubt he'd be happy if you got off to other men. The fact it's prerecorded changes nothing imo.

In some ways I think a drug addiction would be less personal, but you're not okay with porn anymore and I don't blame you when he's made it into something to be bothered by, a porn addiction is an addiction to other women getting him aroused, it's very cutting.

The therapy seems like it was an easy out for him, a way for him to make it seem like it was your responsibility to save him and rescue him from this horrible addiction while you're sat there like a lemon infront of two people feeling like shit about the whole thing. He can stop if he wants to, he doesn't need therapy for it. It isn't like a substance. What about your feelings and your breakdown and how the whole thing made you feel? It's very unfair of him.

Are you in a position to think about your own solo happiness? If I was you I'd wonder if he could bring me happiness again. The first time is hard enough to get over, the second time... I'd be constantly looking over my shoulder any time we were getting along, wondering if he was back to his old tricks. It's not fair on you to have to live like that. If you're not in a position financially/emotionally for that, I'd distance myself and start seeing him as more of a room mate and find things you enjoy that stop you from fretting about him and your marriage problems. A hobby, even if it's binge watching a series or getting into a genre of movies you like is a good enough start. Hope you manage to get some sleep OP, life is too short to have someone who is meant to be on your side making you feel like this.

I couldn't stay with someone into this. It's one thing me and hubby talked about weirdly not long into our relationship because we both feel it's a form of cheating and also creates distrust, negative feelings etc...anyway happily married and no porn all good

Thank you both for replying.

The therapy was awful for me. I had to sit there in complete humiliation listening to how I could help our relationship when there was never a mention of how what did to our marriage, and me amd tbh I don't think it did much to help except tell.him that it was because of stress so not really his fault.

He claimed tonight he didn't lie when asked because he said " I didn't go on any porn sites" because Facebook smut isn't technically a porn site. He thought he'd found an effing loophole. How do you deal with that kind of thinking??

It's such a mess. We were supposed to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. We have arranged to pay a lump sum off the mortgage as the new 3 year mortgage deal starts next month. I don't want to do any of it.

@LifeExperience with whatbive seen and read and mynown experience I'm at the conclusion that porn can be very damaging.

@somekittenmittens you've hit the nail on the head How can I ever trust him again? . I've told him he disgusts me now. I honestly think I'm done. T

I'm on the 'porn is okay' side myself. I don't view watching porn or masturbation as infidelity.
However! Withdrawing from the relationship because you're preoccupied with something else, is inacceptable. Spending hours and hours doing whatever, whether it's watching porn or online gaming or mindlessly watching tv, and not being emotionally available for your wife or your family, is never okay.
Just like having a glass of wine is okay, but a bottle a day probably means you're addicted. I honestly don't care much that it's porn, but I wouldn't put up with my husband being withdrawn like that.

Relationships aren't supposed to make you this miserable. Just end it already and move forward.

I would make him get a phone that couldn't be used for internet, or gain agreement you can review his search or browsing history. Sorry you are having problems.

I also don't have a pr9bkem with moderate porn use and wouldn't mind DH looking at sexy Facebook pages. However, it seems the issue here is that your DH keeps withdrawing from the relationship and shutting you out. I don't think you can control what he looks at, any more than I could stop my alcoholic ex drinking.
If you're this miserable and broken in your marriage, you should seriously consider leaving.

I don't really have an issue with porn but an addict is a different story. My ex had issues with alcohol and drugs and I honestly just couldn't be arsed dealing with any kind of addict anymore.

A poster suggested making him get a phone he can't access the internet on.....I wouldn't be going down the road of trying to police his behaviour or addiction, such a huge turn off.

He's already been through therapy so should have tools to stop himself going down that route again, but instead he chose to take the risk of looking at those pages which can very easily lead to other porn. And it wasn't just a brief momentary lapse, he has once again let the addiction take hold without taking any steps to address it.

Doesnt the research show that something like over 90% of men admit to watching it regularly?

It seems like its woven in to the fabric of being a man now.

If your partner is in a whatsapp group with other men, you can guarantee that porn is being sent around.

I'm sorry you're upset op but really you need to lower expectations. He isn't having an affair, he isn't watching offensive hard core stuff as you said it isn't even real porn it's facebook harmless stuff.

Pick your battles. This isn't one to lose a relationship, home and future together over. Could you try and watch an erotic film together perhaps?

FFS have you read the OP??

Do you think watching an erotic film with a porn addict is good advice?

Maybe you could suggest to the wives of heroin addicts to just shoot up with their husbands. At least they won't have to get divorced...
SMH 🙃

"Could you try and watch an erotic film together perhaps?"

Ahh @Janiie that made me laugh. Did you say that with a head tilt and tinkly laugh too?

Wives don't get upset at alcoholics save your marriage by cracking a bottle of wine open!

Anyway, thanks all for input, i do really appreciate your views on this.

I don't want to have to police his behaviour, I'm not his mum. But OTOH I've lost the trust. I know if I hadn't known what to watch for and found it, he would have just progressed down that slippery path. He knew the consequences and he made the choice. I spoke to him last week about our relationship, the distance, etc. That was his chance to stop. He didn't and he lied to me.

I've not spoken to him, he's had a night on the sofa and he's working now (from home). I think that's it isn't it? When the trusts gone it's gone.

Thanks a gain for all of your thoughts. It's helping me to feel I'm not insane x

There isn't a right and a wrong here. He is allowed to watch porn. You are allowed to not like it. So, the 'porn's not bad' people can have that opinion if they like. And so can the 'porn is bad' people'. It's not about whether it's bad or good.

This is about where he places your preferences in his priority list. If you told him you didn't like seeing people eat strawberries, and he chose to eat strawberries where you could see him, that would be disrespectful of your wishes. You can't say that eating strawberries is bad, but you can say that, if he prioritised your feelings above his own preferences, he would choose to amend his behaviour. It's been up to him, really, and he blew it.

@Janiie

I'm sorry you're upset op but really you need to lower expectations

FFS. On what authority?!

Not sure I agree with your point about where he places OP's preferences on his priority list. I mean any relationship could quickly become controlling if you always prioritise your partner's preferences above your own. Your partner doesn't like it when you go out with your friends? Fine, you prioritise his preferences and stay in with him then? That's not healthy.
However, in this particular case, if he really is a porn addict and his relationship with OP is suffering because of it, then yes he should stop.

It isn't comparable is it.

'he's been looking at 'not reallynporn' but pages on Facebook'

He's looking at notreallyporn.

Adults should be allowed to view whatever they wish (obviously legal). This does not sound like an addiction in any way shape or form.

Do you think people can only be addicted to legal things?
What about a teenager who spends 13 hours a day playing video games? Completely legal. Not an addiction?
A man who ignores his family, disconnects, withdraws, ... But spends hours watching whatever, porn, not really porn, it can be Onlyfans or Instagram models for all I care. I call that an addiction. It's unhealthy behaviour.
In one of my previous posts I said I don't have a moral objection against porn. I do object to addictive behaviour

Did you actually READ the OP? Or just the title and came in to let everyone know what a "cool girl" you are? FFS! Everyone is allowed to set their own boundaries in a relationship! Some people view porn as cheating, some don't. But in this case, her husband is ADDICTED! So how is your post relevant in any way?

'Do you think people can only be addicted to legal things?'

Well, no I don't believe class As are legal for example.

What I actually said was people should be allowed to view whatever they wish as long as legal and notreallyporn on Facebook is nothing to lose a 30yr relationship over. Imo.

@SallyWD

I mean any relationship could quickly become controlling if you always prioritise your partner's preferences above your own

Of course, and I'm not saying that that's what should be happening. But we all have our own boundaries and limits, and if our own are not compatible with our partners', then we're not in a compatible relationship. If porn is more important to him than OP's feelings, then they're not matched, because it's very important to her that he doesn't watch it.

It's the same with anything; nobody should be controlling anybody. For a healthy relationship, everything is done via respect for the other, rather than control of the other.

You exactly misunderstood my point.

It's a chat forum, folk post asking for opinions and views. They won't always agree with replies but sometimes it is actually a good thing to listen to opposing views.

I mean cheating on your spouse isn't illegal either. Should people be "allowed" to do that in relationships too? FFS!

You think giving her the advice to "watch an erotic film" together is a good view? Again I ask, did you actually READ the OP?