Another porn one

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Changed my name, it'll be clear why.

Back story is a relationship of 30 years, been rocky here and there. A few years ago we went thru a tumultuous time with health, family deaths, etc and my H just became more and more distant, negative and selfish. Speaking to me badly etc. things culminated in me having a breakdown. It turned out that while I was dealing with everything my H had become addicted to porn. I was broken that he just kept me at arms length while I was going through all of this and he was constantly on porn. It all came out that he was stressed and he went to therapy. He and the therapist kept insisting I went along too, I was completely humiliated but I went. It was all about how stressed he was and things we could do to repair our relationship, never once about what his addiction and deceit did to me but Anyway.

We managed to move on with the understanding that like any addict porn was now a no go. Weve both been under a lot of stress lately and the past few months have again been rocky, he became distant, selfish, secretive, no physical contact, etc. I've had suspicions and spoke to him last week about the state our relationship is in. I asked him of he'd been watching porn again and he looked me dead and said he hadn't. But tonight he left his phone home while out and its confirmed that he's been looking at 'not reallynporn' but pages on Facebook that's porn enough. I've lost it tonight. It almost destroyed me last time. I'm in bed now and can't sleep, hes on the sofa. I just can't believe he'd jeopardise us again for seedy shit on Facebook. I don't known why I'm posting and I'm sure I'll have the 'porns not bad' people on at me. I used to be like that, if anything Ive always been more adventurous in bed and I'd watch it with him, but it changes his personality when he gets sucked in to it. Sorry for the essay, I obviously can't tell anyone and I just feel so incredibly alone.

God, do you actually believe all that dribble you wrote 😂

@Mambo19866

https://popcrush.com/celebrities-struggled-sex-porn-addiction/

Suppose it depends on your definition of high status...

men don’t look at porn because they “can’t have women like that”. Men look because they think they’re entitled to have visual access to as many different women as they can. A lot of men who do use porn have women who are far superior to them. A lot of these women are the same age or younger than the adult actresses in the movie. A lot of the wives and girlfriends are far, far, far more attractive than the adult models.

Men aren’t looking because their wives and girlfriends aren’t enough or not good enough. Men are looking because there’s a deep rooted culture of male entitlement.

even when some men have the most amazing woman in their life, they’d cheat on a far less attractive woman if they had the chance. Adam Levine cough. A lot of men just cannot ever be satisfied with what they have, despite the fact that about 99% of men are punching.

OMG what a load of garbage, I've never read such twaddle 🤣 @Mambo19866 have you met @Janiie . You two should be pals. Also, I wonderbwhy a hot, high value woman like yourself with presumably a high status partner is trawling Mumsnet for people to patronise on a Friday night? Its baffling.

FYI, because of what we've been through previously and some of the support groups my husband was part of you'd be surprised how many 'high status' men have a porn addiction along with their gambling and coke and sex worker addiction too. Many of these men are getting away with it because the money instill there- for now. Some of these men even have beautiful wives not old trolls like me 🤣.

Luckily my self esteem is just fine. I supported him, went to the therapy and learned about it and know its not about me, it's just a convenient resource for stress release just like how any addiction starts. I'm just devastated that he's put us in that position again and I was hoping for a bit of understanding and a place to process my feelings. Which I got from some lovely posters here. ❤

We've talked, I'm still so angry and disappointed in him. I don't know if I can continue without trust. He managed to get in to a therapist tonight for a two hour first session. Which is great for him but hasn't really made me feel any different.

I might be being really naive, but I thought Facebook was red hot on nudity?

I was naive too. Not full nudity no which is why I said called it not really porn, but I was surprised what gets through. I saw it for myself.

Sweetheart, you are done. He has totally disrespected you and you deserve so much better.

Fuck him out. He is just scum. Sending hugs xx

I'd bin him, but then I have high standards and expectations

Iv never heard such utter bullshit in my life.
The vast majority of men watch porn whether or not their partner is attractive. In fact if anything high libido men who pick young attractive partners are more likely to be more into porn to satisfy their libido.

Have you considered garrotting him with his penis?

DO NOT. Sign that mortgage agreement it will trap you!!

Obviously ops’ husband has an addiction which is bad, but I can’t get my head around thinking porn is infidelity. In my eyes it’s just like fantasising, but you’re watching instead of imagining, if that makes sense.

I feel for you OP. I don’t know what to suggest.

Just know that your boundaries are yours and if broken only you can work out what that means for you. It’s you it affects. It’s very hard after 30 years but you deserve trust and happiness. You deserve someone who respects you and isn’t withdrawn. All the time you will be wondering what he’s up to if he’s downstairs late at night etc.

I don’t think anyone can live like this long term. Not after therapy.

I was with an alcoholic husband (no children together) and very early on in the marriage. We spent 6k of our savings on private rehab, I attended some of the counselling sessions too to try to help and be supportive but I also made it clear I would leave if he ever drank again.

6 months later we separated as I found him on the sofa, lying about work and with vodka…I know others might have stayed, but for me it just wasn’t something I could do again and again.

Addiction is awful. It has affected my relationships afterwards too. I’m paranoid I missed the signs before.

Sending you much love. There are a lot of good people on this thread giving advice. Clearly the poster suggesting you watch an erotic film together is bonkers, but the rest offer good insight and advice.

If you have to do this the relationship is over. Trust is the most important part of any relationship.

Sticking to the relationship, rather than it being porn. He sounds like he has an addiction you are not happy with at any level. The choice then is either he stops or he continues and you leave. If it is an addiction he will lie if he wants to continue. M

The questions for you are whether you can cope with the anxiety of whether or not he is doing it - because that goes with any addiction. Anxiety about what the addict is doing is part of the territory. Only you know how much of that you can live with. You also need to consider whether you have lost the trust essential in any relationship and if so whether it can be salvaged. It won’t be repaired by you insisting on seeing his phone etc.

so by your logic a guy who can get sex any time he wants would prefer to go lock himself in a room and watch a video of a woman doing what he wants rather than actually do it. Ask any guy would you prefer to have actual sex or watch a video of someone else having sex see what they say. Unfortunately most men aren’t Brad Pitt so what do they do choose nothing or the video guess what they choose for a release. I can’t believe this is even a question.

Exactiy!

Facebook do not do porn. This is not an addiction, it is viewing content the op would rather he didn't so the op needs to either change the goalposts or lose a 30yr relationship over notreallyporn facebook.

'Not full nudity no'

It isn't notreallyporn it isn't notremotelyporn.

That said I'm sorry you're upset, clearly your dp viewing anything online is a deal breaker so you need a dp without any access to the Internet.

@Mambo19866 you are missing the point- a lot of men watching this stuff can't just go off and get sex whenever they want- even good looking high status ones- a great many are married with someone and their wife /partner doesn't come as 'sex on tap'

Kindly, those of you who don't understand please stop commenting. I hope your comments that we should watch porn together or that it's because I'm not young enough to be attractive to my husband aren't meant to be nasty but they are. I've repeatedly told you that you don't understand the issue here. Those that do have been supportive and for those I thank you .

Porn addiction often comes from a far too early exposure to it. It changes how the brain works in respect to sex. It has nothing to do with availability or attractiveness of a sexual partner. The therapist we used told us there is a major issue with young people addicted to porn due to frequent and easy access to it. She was seeing a lot of students. Age, financial status and looks and availability of partners make no difference.

I came here for a bit of support during a crisis in my marriage, not to have to educate people ignorant of the situation. So in the vain hope that you will stop This article might be start

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/mar/10/porn-study-survey-uk-teenagers-addicted

Also this

https://www.uk-rehab.com/behavioural-addictions/pornography/the-consequences-of-a-porn-addiction/

Jesus Christ, where TF do you people come from? What world do you live in? It's not the same one that normal people do.

just like you can’t help being attracted to successful/high status men

I'm not attracted to successful/high status men. I find them vain, shallow and narcissistic. I prefer men who are emotionally intelligent. I also don't care how much a man earns.

@Mambo19866

That’s why you never hear celebrities or high status individuals complaining

Yes, you're right that's why famous women's husbands/boyfriends never ever cheat on them isn't it?

That's fine for you. But, for a lot of women, it is infidelity.

Yes, clearly OP is upset because her DH is watching Nigella on YouTube! Fucking hell woman!

Indeed. That post is the biggest load of bollocks ever. 😂

🙄