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Original poster

Another porn one

95 replies

Blankscreen0101 · 02/02/2024 01:12

Changed my name, it'll be clear why.

Back story is a relationship of 30 years, been rocky here and there. A few years ago we went thru a tumultuous time with health, family deaths, etc and my H just became more and more distant, negative and selfish. Speaking to me badly etc. things culminated in me having a breakdown. It turned out that while I was dealing with everything my H had become addicted to porn. I was broken that he just kept me at arms length while I was going through all of this and he was constantly on porn. It all came out that he was stressed and he went to therapy. He and the therapist kept insisting I went along too, I was completely humiliated but I went. It was all about how stressed he was and things we could do to repair our relationship, never once about what his addiction and deceit did to me but Anyway.

We managed to move on with the understanding that like any addict porn was now a no go. Weve both been under a lot of stress lately and the past few months have again been rocky, he became distant, selfish, secretive, no physical contact, etc. I've had suspicions and spoke to him last week about the state our relationship is in. I asked him of he'd been watching porn again and he looked me dead and said he hadn't. But tonight he left his phone home while out and its confirmed that he's been looking at 'not reallynporn' but pages on Facebook that's porn enough. I've lost it tonight. It almost destroyed me last time. I'm in bed now and can't sleep, hes on the sofa. I just can't believe he'd jeopardise us again for seedy shit on Facebook. I don't known why I'm posting and I'm sure I'll have the 'porns not bad' people on at me. I used to be like that, if anything Ive always been more adventurous in bed and I'd watch it with him, but it changes his personality when he gets sucked in to it. Sorry for the essay, I obviously can't tell anyone and I just feel so incredibly alone.

OP posts:
Janiie · 02/02/2024 14:15

HateItWhenABitchLetsHimselfSlide · 02/02/2024 14:09

You think giving her the advice to "watch an erotic film" together is a good view? Again I ask, did you actually READ the OP?

Show quote history

Yes I read the op, no i don't think notreallyporn on Facebook is an addiction snd yes I think a 30yr relationship is worth reviewing unattainable boundaries over.

HateItWhenABitchLetsHimselfSlide · 02/02/2024 14:18

Janiie · 02/02/2024 14:15

Yes I read the op, no i don't think notreallyporn on Facebook is an addiction snd yes I think a 30yr relationship is worth reviewing unattainable boundaries over.

Show quote history

Even though he actually HAS a porn addiction? I've been with my DH for nearly 30 years, and I've been very clear about my feelings on porn since the very beginning. He's free to use porn, just like I'm free to leave him if he does. And yes, I'd absolutely leave him after 30 years for watching porn. Just like the OP has clearly laid out her boundaries and he's said a big "fuck you" to them by watching "notreallyporn" on FB.

Watchkeys · 02/02/2024 14:18

Janiie · 02/02/2024 14:06

'Do you think people can only be addicted to legal things?'

Well, no I don't believe class As are legal for example.

What I actually said was people should be allowed to view whatever they wish as long as legal and notreallyporn on Facebook is nothing to lose a 30yr relationship over. Imo.

What you're not getting is that OP isn't meant to be conducting her relationship according to your preferences.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/02/2024 14:19

I've been in this situation and it's not even 'just' the porn- it's the fact they know you don't like it and it upsets you but carry on doing it anyway - they just get more careful- I kept it to myself after the initial discussion- but it's certainly made me think differently and lesser of someone- and killed my interest in sex too- so a bit of a viscious circle!

Original poster
Blankscreen0101 · 02/02/2024 14:44

Again thanks for all of your input. I would like to clarify a couple of things.

The not watching porn wasn't just down to my preference. It was because 6 years ago he nearly destroyed our marriage because of his addiction to it. An addiction diagnosed by a specialist sex addiction therapist. Before all that I was of the opinion that it wasn't a problem and even watched it with him.

I resent your inference @Janiie that I'm just a bit uptight about it and it would all go away if we watched Debbie does dallas together.

The problem is the addiction and all of the fun stuff that comes with any addiction drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. The deceit, the total absorption, the lies, the broken trust, etc. Your repeated idiotic comments have managed to annoy me and get my attention, well done you 👏. I hope it got you the little thrill you needed. But all you've done is show your ignorance of addiction.

To all others, thank you for your viewpoints and for understanding the situation. Frankly I'm just so sad that it's come to this. X

OP posts:
Renamed · 02/02/2024 14:48

LTB (and garrotte Janie with her - his?- own intestines).

Just my opinion

Original poster
Blankscreen0101 · 02/02/2024 14:49

Renamed · 02/02/2024 14:48

LTB (and garrotte Janie with her - his?- own intestines).

Just my opinion

🤣 thank you for giving me a laugh x

OP posts:
Pipsickle3 · 02/02/2024 15:04

If he is addicted he can’t stop, can he. You hate it that’s not going to change is it. I’m sorry you’re going through this but it seems like you are both in very different places with different morals.

Watchkeys · 02/02/2024 16:07

@Blankscreen0101

Your repeated idiotic comments have managed to annoy me and get my attention, well done you

Love your approach to this issue!

kkloo · 02/02/2024 16:43

Watchkeys · 02/02/2024 13:40

There isn't a right and a wrong here. He is allowed to watch porn. You are allowed to not like it. So, the 'porn's not bad' people can have that opinion if they like. And so can the 'porn is bad' people'. It's not about whether it's bad or good.

This is about where he places your preferences in his priority list. If you told him you didn't like seeing people eat strawberries, and he chose to eat strawberries where you could see him, that would be disrespectful of your wishes. You can't say that eating strawberries is bad, but you can say that, if he prioritised your feelings above his own preferences, he would choose to amend his behaviour. It's been up to him, really, and he blew it.

@Janiie

I'm sorry you're upset op but really you need to lower expectations

FFS. On what authority?!

He had an addiction which was negatively affecting his personality and relationship, so it's not about a right or wrong thing.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/02/2024 17:18

@Blankscreen0101 I totally get it- with my H the admission was 'I watch it very very occasionally' - turned out it was 5 times a week- the minute I was out the house. I appreciate some people don't give a shit so long as the blokes bringing home the bacon and it doesn't interfere with with their life (it's a different kind of thing to say gambling or drugs) but I did care because as far as I was aware I married very much a 'women's rights metrosexual' who 27 years ago would have called blokes who did this multiple times a week total sleazeballs. It absolutely isn't something I've ever been mega cool about - and your trust disappears

livelovelough24 · 02/02/2024 19:14

Dear OP, I am very sorry you are going through this and I wish we can help you. Unfortunately, the way I see it is this, your husband is an addict and you have had enough. I think you know what you need to do, but you are just not ready to accept it yet. Good luck and keep posting. Hugs.💕

Watchkeys · 02/02/2024 20:37

@kkloo

He had an addiction which was negatively affecting his personality and relationship, so it's not about a right or wrong thing

Are you just saying what I said, or making a different point? Can't tell what you were trying to say?

Catoo · 02/02/2024 20:46

Bin him off OP.
He’s checked out of the relationship and whether it’s porn or some other addiction, isn’t that relevant. He isn’t prioritising you and your relationship.

LTB to w@nk himself silly to as much porn as he can manage. And go and have a great life.

💐

JumalanTerve · 02/02/2024 20:49

Hyperion100 · 02/02/2024 11:58

Doesnt the research show that something like over 90% of men admit to watching it regularly?

It seems like its woven in to the fabric of being a man now.

If your partner is in a whatsapp group with other men, you can guarantee that porn is being sent around.

As a man this isn't remotely true. I am a member of 10+ men-only WhatsApp groups and I've never seen any porn in any of them

LightSpeeds · 02/02/2024 21:27

The situation is awful and sounds like it's destroying you. Just make plans to leave him (and his porn) behind.

kkloo · 02/02/2024 21:40

Watchkeys · 02/02/2024 20:37

@kkloo

He had an addiction which was negatively affecting his personality and relationship, so it's not about a right or wrong thing

Are you just saying what I said, or making a different point? Can't tell what you were trying to say?

I'm saying this isn't about right or wrong thing.....it's also not a 'no right or wrong' thing like a lot of these porn threads are. Basically the opinion on porn is irrelevant, it's about the fact that he's an addict who has now relapsed. His substance of choice is irrelevant.

It's also not about where he places the OPs preferences on his priority list like you also said...because it's nothing to do with her preferences on porn, it's to do with the fact that he's an addict.

Replace porn with alcohol....if an alcoholic who was supposed to be off the drink then started drinking again would you be saying there's no right or wrong and it's to do with preferences?

Watchkeys · 02/02/2024 21:46

Replace porn with alcohol....if an alcoholic who was supposed to be off the drink then started drinking again would you be saying there's no right or wrong and it's to do with preferences

Yes. The addict prefers the substance. That's what addiction is. And that's their prerogative, and their responsibility. It can't be 'wrong' unless there are rules/laws against it. Otherwise it's just someone saying that their opinion is that it's right or wrong.

kkloo · 02/02/2024 22:38

@Watchkeys
That's not how your initial response to the OP reads though, I'm not sure why you need to frame addiction in a roundabout way.

I wouldn't personally say that addiction is as black and white as preferring the substance, and that way of thinking can be incredibly harmful to the partner of the addict, that often leads to self esteem issues in the partners, even if the substance is alcohol or coke and not sex related.

And I think lots of things can be 'wrong' even if there are no rules/laws against it. And that's true for a lot of addictions such as porn, alcohol and gambling. The substances are legal but the addictions often lead to behaviour that most people would consider wrong. Even in the treatment of addictions there is a lot of focus on apologising to those who you wronged.

Watchkeys · 02/02/2024 22:48

@kkloo

Thanks for your opinion on my post. Hope OP appreciates it.

Mambo19866 · 02/02/2024 22:57

How can people get confused about this. Men are wired to find different things to women attractive just like you can’t help being attracted to successful/high status men, men are attracted to young physically attractive women because guess what humans wouldn’t last very long if men preferred non fertile women. So when the same men are unable to access those fertile women because they are not a catch themselves guess what they do instead? Watch videos of those women having sex so they can pretend to be the guy who that women wants. Like how the hell does this confuse people it’s so unbelievably obvious that I just don’t get it.

kkloo · 02/02/2024 23:08

@Mambo19866
It's not a 'confusion' issue.
Many of us just don't go around putting much emphasis on biological or evolutionary theories of behaviour. They may make up part of it or none at all.

Also even if you want to make out that those who do this are programmed to do it, others don't, some are attracted to older women, some are attracted to women their own age. Women are allowed to be disgusted by men who they think are creepy, and there's probably a biological/evolutionary basis for that also!

Mambo19866 · 02/02/2024 23:20

kkloo · 02/02/2024 23:08

@Mambo19866
It's not a 'confusion' issue.
Many of us just don't go around putting much emphasis on biological or evolutionary theories of behaviour. They may make up part of it or none at all.

Also even if you want to make out that those who do this are programmed to do it, others don't, some are attracted to older women, some are attracted to women their own age. Women are allowed to be disgusted by men who they think are creepy, and there's probably a biological/evolutionary basis for that also!

Edited

Except they do otherwise these threads wouldn’t exist. It’s the same question every time “why am I not good enough” etc it’s just so simple if your lucky enough to be physically attractive there is obviously less competition. That’s why you never hear celebrities or high status individuals complaining about their partners porn addiction. Porn is used by men who are unable to get what men truly desire. Like seriously if you are unnattractive then you will get cheated on or your partner will watch porn it’s that simple. I mean I don’t care if you want to pretend that your man is different if you’re not attractive he will use porn you can try and rationalise is at you want but the bottom line is they would prefer to be fucking someone else but they can’t do videos will have to do.

kkloo · 02/02/2024 23:30

Mambo19866 · 02/02/2024 23:20

Except they do otherwise these threads wouldn’t exist. It’s the same question every time “why am I not good enough” etc it’s just so simple if your lucky enough to be physically attractive there is obviously less competition. That’s why you never hear celebrities or high status individuals complaining about their partners porn addiction. Porn is used by men who are unable to get what men truly desire. Like seriously if you are unnattractive then you will get cheated on or your partner will watch porn it’s that simple. I mean I don’t care if you want to pretend that your man is different if you’re not attractive he will use porn you can try and rationalise is at you want but the bottom line is they would prefer to be fucking someone else but they can’t do videos will have to do.

Show quote history

Some find young physically attractive women more attractive, not all do.
Some women finds it affects their self esteem and some women find those men deeply unattractive and them seeking out that porn to be a huge turn off.

And there's plenty of women who are ok with porn but they are massively turned off a partner who becomes a porn addict, with one reason being that often porn addicts just want to sit there wanking all day rather than touch a real live female. It's a massive ick for a lot of women and those men emasculate themselves. Maybe they don't want to touch their female partner but she wants to touch him even less 😂because it's all a bit sad and pathetic.

Why would celebrities or 'high status' individuals complain publicly about their partners porn addiction if they had one? The lack of them complaining about it doesn't mean it doesn't happen 😂

Mambo19866 · 02/02/2024 23:35

kkloo · 02/02/2024 23:30

Some find young physically attractive women more attractive, not all do.
Some women finds it affects their self esteem and some women find those men deeply unattractive and them seeking out that porn to be a huge turn off.

And there's plenty of women who are ok with porn but they are massively turned off a partner who becomes a porn addict, with one reason being that often porn addicts just want to sit there wanking all day rather than touch a real live female. It's a massive ick for a lot of women and those men emasculate themselves. Maybe they don't want to touch their female partner but she wants to touch him even less 😂because it's all a bit sad and pathetic.

Why would celebrities or 'high status' individuals complain publicly about their partners porn addiction if they had one? The lack of them complaining about it doesn't mean it doesn't happen 😂

Show quote history

Right please name me one high status attractive man who has had a porn addiction just one pls ….. no because they don’t have to. Porn exisits for low status men for an outlet to pretend they are good enough. Those same men have 2 choices either be alone or get with someone they aren’t attracted to and watch porn on the side to pretend they have what they can’t get.

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