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Original poster

Lazy lover or something else?

118 replies

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 12:58

I'm sure the popular answer will be 'ask him' and believe me; I have...but the answer doesn't make sense and i'm at my wits end!
I have been with my male partner just over two years. He is in his mid-forties, i'm late 30's.
For the whole time we've been together he has been quite a selfish lover; very keen for me to do things for him, but I can count on my two hands how many times he's reciprocated. I'm attractive, in good shape and the body-type he likes, i'm an enthusiastic lover and like to give. He has a few kinks that I took the time to learn about and do with him; and was happy and excited to do so! He seems very happy with what I provide, he is affectionate in every day life and seems attracted to me.
During sex, 90% of the time it is me performing while he chills and doesn't even touch me. Not once. He gets excited easily, seems to very much enjoy himself but does NOTHING back before, during or after. Occasionally I start to feel upset and frustrated and i've asked him if there is a problem. He says tiredness affects his sex-drive....but i'm certain he hasn't been tired for over 2 years...and he often instigates/asks me to do things, so I asked him why he was too tired to give but never too tired to receive and got no answer.
I'm at the point where I think there must be something he dislikes about me and it's really affecting my confidence. We love each other...I get tons of pleasure from pleasing him, why does he get none from pleasing me?
Does it seem he is just lazy? Not a giver? Is there anything I can do or more specific questions I can ask to get to the bottom of this?

OP posts:
DropDeadFreida · 01/02/2024 13:05

You are not his partner, you're his doll that he can manipulate as he likes for his own satisfaction. He is clearly self-aware enough to know that people have sexual desires/needs, as he has already trained you to do exactly what he wants, but he does not care about your desires or needs because yours aren't important to him. Why are you putting up with this? And more to the point, why are you focusing on your own 'shortcomings'? What more can you do? Leave him and find someone who will treat you as a partner and not a sex doll.

Elephantsareace · 01/02/2024 13:06

He's just lazy and selfish
He knows it.
You know it.
You've been fobbed off when you try to discuss it.
He's got you doing all the tricks while he does nothing.
It won't change.
It's not you, don't let it hit your self+esteem.

So two choices. Put up with it forever...or time to say goodbye.

StandardLFinegan · 01/02/2024 13:12

He sounds lazy and selfish to me.

You obviously don’t have to answer this here but I think you need to insist on him making you orgasm before he does?

But it’s hard to change someone’s selfish mindset. And a huge turn off if they don’t want to please you naturally.

coxesorangepippin · 01/02/2024 13:13

He sounds awful. Why are you with him? Are you living in Greek times or something

Find someone else, wtf

KirstenBlest · 01/02/2024 13:15

Bin him. It's not you it's him - he sounds lazy and selfish.

I went out with someone like that until I realised I'd rather be washing the dishes than having sex.

He's probably been watching a lot of porn.

CreationNat1on · 01/02/2024 13:15

Don't give without receiving first, he is an entitled precious pillow prince.

Just a spoilt brat.

AgnesX · 01/02/2024 13:16

He's a taker not a giver, and he has a kink which is presumably based on you giving and him taking??

Time to cut this one loose especially if the behaviour translates to other parts of your relationship (and I bet it does when you start to think about it!).

RosieAway · 01/02/2024 13:19

@Sulley2222 sorry to say, but from my experience this won’t change. I put up with almost 10 years like this - what a waste!! Don’t be an idiot like me. Get out now if you value a sex life. Good lovers aren’t selfish and make your enjoyment a priority from the outset. I am still mourning all my “lost years” wasted on my selfish ex

LaviniasBigBloomers · 01/02/2024 13:19

Is 'being a selfish shite in bed' an actual kink these days?

Too. Much. Porn. He's trained his body to work on visual signals rather than the actual good bits of sex which include making someone else happy.

Bin.

olderbutwiser · 01/02/2024 13:23

How much does he pay you?

Sorry, that was crude and not what you need but as above, he knows but he won’t change.

Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 13:23

StandardLFinegan · 01/02/2024 13:12

He sounds lazy and selfish to me.

You obviously don’t have to answer this here but I think you need to insist on him making you orgasm before he does?

But it’s hard to change someone’s selfish mindset. And a huge turn off if they don’t want to please you naturally.

In all honesty I just don't ask at the time because i'm mortified to have to ask for what I see as something that should just be happening. I've convinced myself that he doesn't do it because he doesn't enjoy it...if he did enjoy it then what would stop him?
Having said that, he is completely aware that i'm frustrated and upset about this and he knows that I want things to be different.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2024 13:26

Ok you love him but how did you get with him long enough to fall in love if he literally refuses to do anything in bed except lie back and let you service him?

Avatartar · 01/02/2024 13:27

Sounds like you are entertaining him rather than having an intimate, emotional relationship- by the way he treats you, you could be anyone. He’s not emotionally invested. He may well love you but if his life experience is porn, he’s never learned to let go and show his emotions. Before you bin him, tell him you both need to see a sex councillor to understand his behaviour and if there is anything to salvage or if he is what he appears to be

Wednesdaysphiltrum · 01/02/2024 13:28

You’re nothing more than a posh wank to him.

Fucking hell (literally), I cannot believe you’ve put up with this shit for two years.

SamW98 · 01/02/2024 13:29

Honestly he’s treating you like a free hooker just tending to his sexual demands while he gives nothing in return.

Why are you tolerating this shit? He won’t change so you need to walk

Justcallmebebes · 01/02/2024 13:33

You're his performing sex toy OP and he's a selfish prick who has absolutely no interest whatsoever in your wants, pleasure or needs. I'm sure you can do better

newyearnewknees · 01/02/2024 13:37

How have you just accepted this situation for 2 years?! I wouldn't even tolerate it once. I would honestly get dressed and go home and tell him why on my way out if a man thought that having sex with me involved me simply servicing him.

LauderSyme · 01/02/2024 13:42

Some men think cunnilingus is gross and emasculating. Others have very precise requirements for how much or little pubic hair there should be. Others have inherited a cultural bias against it.

And others are lazy and selfish and feel entitled to take pleasure without giving it. I had one of those for a while. I adored him and his cock but eventually his lack of desire to pleasure me got really stale.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 01/02/2024 13:45

Please tell me you'll dump this horrible fucker before the weekend.

Foxblue · 01/02/2024 13:58

The thing is, is that a decent bloke, if he was too tired to reciprocate, would say 'I'm too tired, can we just cuddle' rather than have sex where he gets all the attention and you get none. I find it a bit weird he doesn't want to touch you tbh.
So you say its 90% of the time. What happens the other 10% - is he doing 'box ticking' moves on you, or is he actually paying attention and doing things you like, adjusting according to your reaction etc - you mention learning his kinks, has he learnt yours, asked questions etc?

PieAndLattes · 01/02/2024 14:05

Your boyfriend is shit in bed. That’s the simple truth.

Bobbotgegrinch · 01/02/2024 14:05

Has he always been like this? Because I'm struggling to work out how you got to two years with someone that lazy?

Surely after the first few times you'd be sacking him off (instead of sucking him off - Sorry, couldn't resist ;) )

Theres plenty of times that DP will pleasure me without me reciprocating or vice versa, and I'm not saying you should be keeping an orgasm scoreboard but it should be roughly averaging out. You and your partner don't even sound like you're within the same order of magnitude.

You say you love him, but this is a man who has absolutely no interest in your needs or pleasure. He sees you as a sex slave, wants you to service him at his whim. You're an object, not a human being. Really think about that and ask yourself if you really do love him.

KirstenBlest · 01/02/2024 14:08

PieAndLattes · 01/02/2024 14:05

Your boyfriend is shit in bed. That’s the simple truth.

Hear, hear.

Secondstart1001 · 01/02/2024 15:00

OP he doesn’t dislike you if you can get him so excited but his behavior is selfish in the bedroom. What’s he like outside of the bedroom ? However I do think it’s a big problem and I would be as upset as you!

BlueSkyBlueLife · 01/02/2024 15:12

I've convinced myself that he doesn't do it because he doesn't enjoy it...if he did enjoy it then what would stop him?

Lets assume you’re right and he doesn’t enjoy it.
It’s still HIS PROBLEM. Nothing to with you, you not being attractive or whatever else you can think of. No reason to feel humiliated because it’s NOT YOU.

Seriously, don’t you think that if he actually loved you he’d WANT TO do things to you just because you enjoy it?
He has no issue with asking YOU to do that. And you did. Because you love him. And really that’s how it should be (all within boundaries etc…)

Him not even trying to give anything in return is just… selfish, rude, inconsiderate, unloving and uncaring. It’s treating you like a sex slave who does what she is asked to do and that’s it. Nothing in return.

He is showing who he is and how he sees women. Not good at all really.

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