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Original poster

Lazy lover or something else?

118 replies

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 12:58

I'm sure the popular answer will be 'ask him' and believe me; I have...but the answer doesn't make sense and i'm at my wits end!
I have been with my male partner just over two years. He is in his mid-forties, i'm late 30's.
For the whole time we've been together he has been quite a selfish lover; very keen for me to do things for him, but I can count on my two hands how many times he's reciprocated. I'm attractive, in good shape and the body-type he likes, i'm an enthusiastic lover and like to give. He has a few kinks that I took the time to learn about and do with him; and was happy and excited to do so! He seems very happy with what I provide, he is affectionate in every day life and seems attracted to me.
During sex, 90% of the time it is me performing while he chills and doesn't even touch me. Not once. He gets excited easily, seems to very much enjoy himself but does NOTHING back before, during or after. Occasionally I start to feel upset and frustrated and i've asked him if there is a problem. He says tiredness affects his sex-drive....but i'm certain he hasn't been tired for over 2 years...and he often instigates/asks me to do things, so I asked him why he was too tired to give but never too tired to receive and got no answer.
I'm at the point where I think there must be something he dislikes about me and it's really affecting my confidence. We love each other...I get tons of pleasure from pleasing him, why does he get none from pleasing me?
Does it seem he is just lazy? Not a giver? Is there anything I can do or more specific questions I can ask to get to the bottom of this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 19:30

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2024 19:19

What the fuck was he taking that was financially crippling, gold plated viagra?

Illegal substances i'm afraid. Very expensive ones.

OP posts:
fatphalange · 01/02/2024 19:30

He's using you as a masturbatory aid.
I'm not trying to sound funny but I'm genuinely confused as to how sex happens where 1 person is not touching the other. It's something you do together, no? Could you start mirroring him? So he's just laid there arms by his sides, sex is initiated (however you do that), so suddenly stop what you're doing and freeze up. Tell him you want to enjoy sex from his perspective and that it must be really good cos he orgasms each time.

BCBird · 01/02/2024 19:36

Is he crap or lazy? Stop giving.

Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 19:36

Hmmmmaybe · 01/02/2024 18:47

Why are you doing this? Just stop. You have zero obligation or responsibility to service him

Mainly because if I stop I'll ger no sex at all I suppose! But there is an element lately of my self-esteem being so damn shit that i'm doing my best to impress in the hope I can light something in him or make him see the effort i'm putting in. I just dom't know anymore. I enjoy doing things for him, I never force myself or anything, but i've so often elt frustrated at the best or incredibly upset at the worst. I suppose tje esteem has dipped low enough for me to start telling myself 'if I just do this...If I just change how I look'...and that's really not 'me' so i'm seeing the evidence of the damage this crap is causing.

OP posts:
BCBird · 01/02/2024 19:41

Get a vibrator. Use it in front of him.

BCBird · 01/02/2024 19:41

Stop trying to.impress him. He not considering u

Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 19:45

MILTOBE · 01/02/2024 18:51

Oh come on, FFS, shake your head a little. Why are you putting up with this?

Do you have a history of putting up with abusive behaviour? I wondered whether you have been fooled by his niceness outside the bedroom into thinking he is a nice guy. He's not - he's really awful.

Show quote history

In all honesty; no. I'm feisty and tough as an old pair of boots. I'm generally not the kind of girl a man can take the piss out of. I have sexual needs and if I don't take the reins i'll have no sex at all...maybe that will be worse but maybe not. I suppose i'm trying to say that i'm not exactly pandering to his whims or being coerced...I WANT to do things for him and I enjoy it but after a while or getting nothing back im going crazy and self-esteem is on the floor. It's hard because if I want it and he's open to it I get started and then half way through or after it's done i'm thinking 'fuck...it's happening again and he's not even touching me let alone reciprocating' and I feel like shit. He has a kinky, enthusiastic girlfriend who is turned on by him, who is completely faithful and loyal...so I just don't bloody understand :(

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 01/02/2024 19:45

He's a lazy lover

SamW98 · 01/02/2024 19:45

Mainly because if I stop I'll get no sex at all I suppose!

So tolerating this shit just to get crap sex without an orgasm is worth it is it? Why are you doing this to yourself to service this man who couldn’t give a shit about your sexual needs?

Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 19:48

Jennalong · 01/02/2024 19:25

This ' sex ' your having , does it involve piv or not ?
If it's 100% you always doing it then I'd tell him your tired !
Anything else , I wouldn't be bothering tbh .

It's PIV (always me on top) and oral (only ever from me). There is no foreplay from him, no touching of me during, and nothing after.

OP posts:
Alwaystired23 · 01/02/2024 19:49

To he honest, I think you'd be better off having no sex. Tell him he either makes an effort or goodbye.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/02/2024 19:50

You're not really having sex though, you are using your body to make him have an orgasm. If you split up with him you could have sex with tons of different guys each of whom would give you a far better time than this guy.

Wednesdaysphiltrum · 01/02/2024 20:05

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 19:48

It's PIV (always me on top) and oral (only ever from me). There is no foreplay from him, no touching of me during, and nothing after.

Show quote history

Jesus Christ. Why are you accepting this? Please pull yourself together.

Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 20:09

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/02/2024 19:50

You're not really having sex though, you are using your body to make him have an orgasm. If you split up with him you could have sex with tons of different guys each of whom would give you a far better time than this guy.

Very fair point. It's not sex. And considering I get a fair amount of male attention I do find myself considering what i'm missing out on. But it's difficult with having a little boy who adores him and other aspects of the relationship being so good. But I can't kid myself that I can carry on like this. It feel irrepairable because if he suddenly did srart reciprocating I think i'd really struggle with feeling he was making himself do it because i'd brought it up again. That happened before and I found it tough...my head was telling me the whole time that he was only doing it because he had to, not because he wanted to and because of that I was taking ages to climax which was making it all even worse. Fuck 😩

OP posts:
inappropriateportioncontrol · 01/02/2024 20:29

I've read all the OP s posts but not everyone else's so I guess this may have already been asked but... Could it be that he doesn't like sex with women? Prefers men?

Raspberrymoon49 · 01/02/2024 20:45

Your self esteem will dwindle away to nothing if you carry on this way

NeutralView · 01/02/2024 20:47

inappropriateportioncontrol · 01/02/2024 20:29

I've read all the OP s posts but not everyone else's so I guess this may have already been asked but... Could it be that he doesn't like sex with women? Prefers men?

Yes, and are the kinks anal?

It’s very bizarre that he won’t even touch you, do you mean he doesn’t even bother to put his arms around you?

Maybe he has suffered some sort of sexual abuse?

RowanMayfair · 01/02/2024 20:54

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 20:09

Very fair point. It's not sex. And considering I get a fair amount of male attention I do find myself considering what i'm missing out on. But it's difficult with having a little boy who adores him and other aspects of the relationship being so good. But I can't kid myself that I can carry on like this. It feel irrepairable because if he suddenly did srart reciprocating I think i'd really struggle with feeling he was making himself do it because i'd brought it up again. That happened before and I found it tough...my head was telling me the whole time that he was only doing it because he had to, not because he wanted to and because of that I was taking ages to climax which was making it all even worse. Fuck 😩

Show quote history

There is absolutely no way of going back from the way you feel. He's destroyed your sex life and that's that. You can't stay for the sake of your child.

RowanMayfair · 01/02/2024 20:55

NeutralView · 01/02/2024 20:47

Yes, and are the kinks anal?

It’s very bizarre that he won’t even touch you, do you mean he doesn’t even bother to put his arms around you?

Maybe he has suffered some sort of sexual abuse?

Show quote history

I mean she said she goes on top so honestly they probably aren't having anal and even if he was into anal it wouldn't mean he was gay. He doesn't sound gay, just extremely lazy, entitled and selfish. He is also very happy to get aroused and orgasm as long as he doesn't have to do anything else so I'm not reading abuse victim here but of course you never know.

KirstenBlest · 01/02/2024 20:59

Have you tried 'You can join in if you like', OP?

thedancingparrot · 01/02/2024 21:00

I'm at the point where I think there must be something he dislikes about me

Nope, I suspect he does not dislike you, but he loves himself more, much more, than you which is taking selfish behaviour to a whole new level.

And right now he has got you right where he wants you, fulfilling his every need and he does not have to bother thinking about yours.

Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 21:05

inappropriateportioncontrol · 01/02/2024 20:29

I've read all the OP s posts but not everyone else's so I guess this may have already been asked but... Could it be that he doesn't like sex with women? Prefers men?

I've considered this and even broached it with him actually (very respectfully and offering complete understanding) and he seemed very sure of his sexuality. I've not seen anything that makes me doubt his sexuality either in all honesty. I could certainly still be wrong, I know some men go to great lengths to hide this, but I just can't see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 21:09

NeutralView · 01/02/2024 20:47

Yes, and are the kinks anal?

It’s very bizarre that he won’t even touch you, do you mean he doesn’t even bother to put his arms around you?

Maybe he has suffered some sort of sexual abuse?

Show quote history

He likes anal but in my experience most men do. He's cuddles and kisses loads outside of sex. He was physically abused as a kid but not sexually as far as I know and have been told. I don't detect any signs of trauma when it comes to physical closeness either during sex or in every day life.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/02/2024 21:12

At least you get some piv, but Christ, he is one lazy f**ker. Do a bit of, no thanks, not tonight. How often does this go on? Just reject him for a good while. Then see how fantastic his behaviour is out of the bedroom.

2Old2Tango · 01/02/2024 21:43

OP, you're not even 40 yet. Don't set yourself up for years of this.

Time to get rid. You say you are attractive and get lots of male attention. There will be someone else out there who will treat you so much better and who will enjoy giving as much as receiving. Don't use the fact your son likes him as an excuse to hang on to him. Your boy has known him less than 2 years (hopefully you didn't introduce too soon) so he will get over him not being in his life.

Life really is too short to put up with this shit. I don't know how you can enjoy pleasuring him when he's not prepared to make any effort. Surely it's a turn off?

Make 2024 the year you turn your life around. Bin this dud, get yourself a good vibrator, and find yourself a decent man.