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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lazy lover or something else?

118 replies

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 12:58

I'm sure the popular answer will be 'ask him' and believe me; I have...but the answer doesn't make sense and i'm at my wits end!
I have been with my male partner just over two years. He is in his mid-forties, i'm late 30's.
For the whole time we've been together he has been quite a selfish lover; very keen for me to do things for him, but I can count on my two hands how many times he's reciprocated. I'm attractive, in good shape and the body-type he likes, i'm an enthusiastic lover and like to give. He has a few kinks that I took the time to learn about and do with him; and was happy and excited to do so! He seems very happy with what I provide, he is affectionate in every day life and seems attracted to me.
During sex, 90% of the time it is me performing while he chills and doesn't even touch me. Not once. He gets excited easily, seems to very much enjoy himself but does NOTHING back before, during or after. Occasionally I start to feel upset and frustrated and i've asked him if there is a problem. He says tiredness affects his sex-drive....but i'm certain he hasn't been tired for over 2 years...and he often instigates/asks me to do things, so I asked him why he was too tired to give but never too tired to receive and got no answer.
I'm at the point where I think there must be something he dislikes about me and it's really affecting my confidence. We love each other...I get tons of pleasure from pleasing him, why does he get none from pleasing me?
Does it seem he is just lazy? Not a giver? Is there anything I can do or more specific questions I can ask to get to the bottom of this?

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 01/02/2024 17:34

First reply nailed it. You don't have a sex life, you're a man's sex servant.

WrylyAmused · 01/02/2024 17:37

It's not you. He does clearly find you attractive.
He's lazy/selfish/not into giving. That's a him problem.

Re the meds - that sounds like it was an illegal stimulant of choice. Just in case he does have performance issues, maybe he should see a doctor or get some Viagra or equivalent over the counter at a pharmacy, see if that makes any difference. You haven't given enough details to be sure on this though.

Since you say he's a good partner in all other respects, I suggest talking to him in the first instance (yes, you've done it before but then nothing changed from him and you accepted that, so he'll likely now think that it no longer applies as there were no consequences).

If nothing still changes, every time he initiates receiving, I'd reply something like "I'd love to, but as we talked about, I feel it's very unbalanced and I'd like to receive before I give anymore." And if he doesn't step up, (don't go first on his assurance), then no sex, no BJs, no performing for or pleasing him in any way, because why should you when he knows you're unhappy and still won't reciprocate....

Yes it's an awkward conversation & situation. But the alternatives are living with crap unsatisfying sex forever more, or breaking up with him because he's not stepping up.

If he still doesn't step up, then it's likely find a new partner time.

RosieAway · 01/02/2024 17:51

I wish I’d read the feedback here OP before putting up with the same for almost 10 years. I think it badly affected my self-esteem and I couldn’t see a way out from there

roastedrapidly · 01/02/2024 18:13

Are you reaching an orgasm every time you have sex? Does he care?

Is he reaching an orgasm every time you have sex?

justrecognisedmyneighbouronhere · 01/02/2024 18:17

Tell hi it's 50/50 from now on as you're tired. I bet he doesn't hang around for two years!

MILTOBE · 01/02/2024 18:18

I just can't understand why you slept with him again after the first time he behaved like that. Honestly, did you think each time that it would be different?

I wouldn't care how well I got on with him other than that - I'd find this absolutely unforgivable. I wouldn't give him another chance, either. He's had two years of lying back and having you pander to his kink, ffs. Two years! Nothing could make up for that.

MercanDede · 01/02/2024 18:20

I don’t think he cares about your pleasure. He is sexually incompatible. I can’t see any future to the relationship.

Deadringer · 01/02/2024 18:22

How the fuck have you tolerated this for so long. Pps are right, he is lazy and selfish. Next time you have sex say 'me first', and mean it. If he doesn't oblige it doesn't really matter why, he is not worth keeping.

Candleabra · 01/02/2024 18:22

He was taking drugs that financially crippled you, he’s trained you to do the kinks in bed that he wants, he doesn’t bother about pleasuring you and you think he’s a man who would walk to the ends of the earth for you?
Why? And there’s no need to ask him. He knows. He just doesn’t care.

DoILookThrilled · 01/02/2024 18:27

Gettingbysomehow · 01/02/2024 17:30

Have an orgasm as quick as you can or pretend, roll off him and fall asleep before he has one.
After a few weeks of this he might get the message.

Very tempting. If it’s fine for him to that, it’s fine for you. I don’t see much benefit in trying to get down to the bottom of this. Sounds like it’s laziness and selfishness. Time to throw this one back as life is too short for shit sex. The whole thing sounds deeply frustrating to me

TheGoodEnoughWife · 01/02/2024 18:31

Another one here saying why on earth are you putting up with this. Your self esteem will be in shreds each time you give but don't receive.

Stop. Just stop.

Explain if you want but personally the next time he seems to want to do something I would just say 'I don't fancy it. I am fed up of getting you off but getting nothing back' roll over and go to sleep.

Each and every time until he manages to have a conversation.

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 18:45

roastedrapidly · 01/02/2024 18:13

Are you reaching an orgasm every time you have sex? Does he care?

Is he reaching an orgasm every time you have sex?

He orgasms every time. I can't remember the last time I did. In fact, I don't remember the last time he did anything other than lie back and enjoy himself.

OP posts:
Gloriosaford · 01/02/2024 18:46

Why are you still servicing this man?!

Hmmmmaybe · 01/02/2024 18:47

Why are you doing this? Just stop. You have zero obligation or responsibility to service him

MILTOBE · 01/02/2024 18:51

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 18:45

He orgasms every time. I can't remember the last time I did. In fact, I don't remember the last time he did anything other than lie back and enjoy himself.

Oh come on, FFS, shake your head a little. Why are you putting up with this?

Do you have a history of putting up with abusive behaviour? I wondered whether you have been fooled by his niceness outside the bedroom into thinking he is a nice guy. He's not - he's really awful.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 01/02/2024 18:53

You're nothing more than a sex doll

Ick

Wednesdaysphiltrum · 01/02/2024 18:57

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 18:45

He orgasms every time. I can't remember the last time I did. In fact, I don't remember the last time he did anything other than lie back and enjoy himself.

This is genuinely appalling. And he was financially crippling you by sticking gear up his nose, just to have sex? That’s what he told you? The coke (I’m assuming coke) was just to have sex? Really…?

HalloumiGeller · 01/02/2024 19:05

I agree with others, the lazy, selfish sod!

GreekDogRescue · 01/02/2024 19:09

He sounds horrible.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 01/02/2024 19:11

Just stop.
Until you orgasm don’t touch him!

LauderSyme · 01/02/2024 19:12

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 16:39

He was financially crippling us and affecting his health.

I thought you meant Viagra or such, apologies.

Time for another frank conversation. Him always cumming and you never cumming really is disgusting form from him.

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2024 19:17

During sex, 90% of the time it is me performing while he chills and doesn't even touch me. Not once.

Fuck. That. Shit.

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2024 19:19

What the fuck was he taking that was financially crippling, gold plated viagra?

Jennalong · 01/02/2024 19:25

This ' sex ' your having , does it involve piv or not ?
If it's 100% you always doing it then I'd tell him your tired !
Anything else , I wouldn't be bothering tbh .

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 19:27

MILTOBE · 01/02/2024 18:18

I just can't understand why you slept with him again after the first time he behaved like that. Honestly, did you think each time that it would be different?

I wouldn't care how well I got on with him other than that - I'd find this absolutely unforgivable. I wouldn't give him another chance, either. He's had two years of lying back and having you pander to his kink, ffs. Two years! Nothing could make up for that.

You're absolutely right...I don't see how the hell 2 years could ever be made up for.
When we first met I had been completely celebate for over 4 years while I had and brought up my son. I spent a long time dating him as I wanted to be very sure before introducing him to my son etc and in all honesty, any sex was good after nearly 5 of nothing! But he was doings the stims on the sly so everything was very enjoyable, it wasn't until we moved in together and he stopped them that I realised what a selfish lover he was.

OP posts: