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Original poster

Lazy lover or something else?

118 replies

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 12:58

I'm sure the popular answer will be 'ask him' and believe me; I have...but the answer doesn't make sense and i'm at my wits end!
I have been with my male partner just over two years. He is in his mid-forties, i'm late 30's.
For the whole time we've been together he has been quite a selfish lover; very keen for me to do things for him, but I can count on my two hands how many times he's reciprocated. I'm attractive, in good shape and the body-type he likes, i'm an enthusiastic lover and like to give. He has a few kinks that I took the time to learn about and do with him; and was happy and excited to do so! He seems very happy with what I provide, he is affectionate in every day life and seems attracted to me.
During sex, 90% of the time it is me performing while he chills and doesn't even touch me. Not once. He gets excited easily, seems to very much enjoy himself but does NOTHING back before, during or after. Occasionally I start to feel upset and frustrated and i've asked him if there is a problem. He says tiredness affects his sex-drive....but i'm certain he hasn't been tired for over 2 years...and he often instigates/asks me to do things, so I asked him why he was too tired to give but never too tired to receive and got no answer.
I'm at the point where I think there must be something he dislikes about me and it's really affecting my confidence. We love each other...I get tons of pleasure from pleasing him, why does he get none from pleasing me?
Does it seem he is just lazy? Not a giver? Is there anything I can do or more specific questions I can ask to get to the bottom of this?

OP posts:
blacksax · 01/02/2024 15:13

"I'm at the point where I think there must be something he dislikes about me and it's really affecting my confidence."

No, that's not it at all. He is just completely self-centred, and interested only in his own gratification.

Dump the selfish bastard.

Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 15:16

Bobbotgegrinch · 01/02/2024 14:05

Has he always been like this? Because I'm struggling to work out how you got to two years with someone that lazy?

Surely after the first few times you'd be sacking him off (instead of sucking him off - Sorry, couldn't resist ;) )

Theres plenty of times that DP will pleasure me without me reciprocating or vice versa, and I'm not saying you should be keeping an orgasm scoreboard but it should be roughly averaging out. You and your partner don't even sound like you're within the same order of magnitude.

You say you love him, but this is a man who has absolutely no interest in your needs or pleasure. He sees you as a sex slave, wants you to service him at his whim. You're an object, not a human being. Really think about that and ask yourself if you really do love him.

He has always been like this, yes. Unfortunately at the beginning when we were dating (and unknown to me) he was using a stimulant to better perform as he was concerned I would be disappointed. Once I realised this I asked him to stop, which he did, and so did the good sex.
In the other aspects of our life hr is generous, giving, helpful and would go to the ends of the earth for my son and I. We certainly aren't problem free, but this selfishness is only within the bedroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 15:18

Believe it or not it actually doesn't extend outside of the bedroom, which makes things even sadder for me as it doesn't fit is general character at all :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 15:20

Believe it or not, the behaviour actually doesn't extend outside of the bedroom, which makes this alot sadder and harder to get my head around :(

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/02/2024 15:20

He's just crap in bed. Ability is based on how keen a person is to please the other, not ones self. He doesn't get that, therefore, is shit at it and always will be.
Just start saying no to his wants. Then see how nice he becomes in everyday life. There will be a change, not for the better, because it will be conditional around your compliance. Hopefully then you will be put off from him enough to leave. He's going to find it hard to find someone so willing in future, you will move onto better.

Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 15:25

Secondstart1001 · 01/02/2024 15:00

OP he doesn’t dislike you if you can get him so excited but his behavior is selfish in the bedroom. What’s he like outside of the bedroom ? However I do think it’s a big problem and I would be as upset as you!

This selfishness doesn't extend outside of the bedroom, no. He would walk to the ends of the earth for me or my son. Makes this alot more difficult for me to deal with unfortunately. We aren't problem free by any means, but no issues with any other selfish behaviour.

OP posts:
Hmmmmaybe · 01/02/2024 15:28

He’s using you as his personal sex doll. Totally grim.

nothing to do with you. All to do with him.

id be ending it with him today.

RosieAway · 01/02/2024 15:33

As a PP poster said, it was when I stopped being a one-way sex doll focused on his needs (because there’s only so long you can keep it going before feeling sick and pathetic and turned off) that’s when ex became horrible to me in other ways. He’d shown that side a bit before but really came out when I stopped giving. Maybe try that for a while and see what happens

NeutralView · 01/02/2024 15:34

Sounds like a historical problem that was nothing to do with you if he was using a stimulant from the outset.

If I had to take a wild guess, he sounds rather timid and perhaps intimated by your sexual enthusiasm and skill and is afraid to try, in case he is found wanting. This can feel rather emasculating for some men, and they dislike that feeling.

I would recommend a sex therapist.

In the meantime, if you wanted to try to try something, maybe take it down a few gears, if you were operating at 6th gear, go down to one, it may encourage him to at least creep up into first gear.

AltitudeCheck · 01/02/2024 15:44

Next time you're in bed and starting to get intimate maybe lie back and say that it's his turn to give pleasure and you won't move on to him until you're satisfied!

If he genuinely has no clue what to try then perhaps direct him to do some homework, OMGYes or Google some of the workshops available and invite him to become curious about what you like!

Sunshinesky1981 · 01/02/2024 16:04

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 15:16

He has always been like this, yes. Unfortunately at the beginning when we were dating (and unknown to me) he was using a stimulant to better perform as he was concerned I would be disappointed. Once I realised this I asked him to stop, which he did, and so did the good sex.
In the other aspects of our life hr is generous, giving, helpful and would go to the ends of the earth for my son and I. We certainly aren't problem free, but this selfishness is only within the bedroom.

Show quote history

Sorry, I'm not sure i understand. You say he was taking a stimulant and the sex was good and when he stopped the sex was shit. I thought a stimulant would just make you stay harder for longer... not be more willing to use your fingers / tongue on a partner?

Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 16:16

@AltitudeCheck Unfortunately it's not because he's lacking in knowledge; we have pretty frank conversations regarding sex, he knows absolutely everything that I like and I know he can deliver from the very few occasions that he bothered with me which makes this all the more frustrating :(

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 01/02/2024 16:18

May I ask why you asked him to stop the stimulant? Was it dangerous or illegal?

Could it be that he lacks sexual confidence and knowledge? Neither of these are an excuse to not even try to please you though.

LauderSyme · 01/02/2024 16:20

cross post

Then he's selfish and lazy. And you're right that this kind of treatment is bad for your self esteem.

GatherlyGal · 01/02/2024 16:21

So sorry OP I can't think anything less sexy than a man expecting to be pleasured but not reciprocate! How the heck have you put up with that for 2 years?

He's not going to change unless he has to and also he's not tired. Up to you whether you are happy to put up with this or whether you can gently encourage him to make some effort.

cardboardnumerator · 01/02/2024 16:26

I think it actually makes it worse that he is kind and giving outside of the bedroom because if he was just a selfish arsehole in all areas of life it would be more understandable, not acceptable, just understandable.

As he has delivered before this is a classic bait and switch. Personally I wouldn't have stuck around for 2 years. I honestly think having an incredibly giving, loving and enthusiastic partner is the bedrock of my 25 year marriage, again this is both inside and outside of the bedroom. Bottom line is he cares. Your partner does not because he would be doing everything he could for you and he isn't.

Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 16:38

Sunshinesky1981 · 01/02/2024 16:04

Sorry, I'm not sure i understand. You say he was taking a stimulant and the sex was good and when he stopped the sex was shit. I thought a stimulant would just make you stay harder for longer... not be more willing to use your fingers / tongue on a partner?

Show quote history

His entire performance was better, completely incomparable to when sober. He would fairly often spend quite a long time on me, although it was still quite scewed towards me doing more even then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 16:39

LauderSyme · 01/02/2024 16:18

May I ask why you asked him to stop the stimulant? Was it dangerous or illegal?

Could it be that he lacks sexual confidence and knowledge? Neither of these are an excuse to not even try to please you though.

He was financially crippling us and affecting his health.

OP posts:
WalkingThroughTreacle · 01/02/2024 16:42

Why is it so important to understand why he is like this? You don't honestly think you could somehow fix him do you or that it's even worth the effort trying? Do what you should have done a long time ago - bin him off and free yourself up to find someone who might actually give you a fulfilling relationship. Two years pandering to a selfish lover who expects all their wants met and gives nothing in return is 23 months too long.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/02/2024 16:45

WTF! You've put up with this for two years!

Look at how it's impacting on your self-esteem to be treated like a sex toy and dump his lazy selfish ass.

You deserve far far more.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/02/2024 16:46

Sulley2222 · 01/02/2024 13:23

In all honesty I just don't ask at the time because i'm mortified to have to ask for what I see as something that should just be happening. I've convinced myself that he doesn't do it because he doesn't enjoy it...if he did enjoy it then what would stop him?
Having said that, he is completely aware that i'm frustrated and upset about this and he knows that I want things to be different.

Show quote history

So he knows you're frustrated and upset and he does nothing about it? That's almost worse than him being unaware and just thinking that real sex is like porn. Think about it it - he KNOWS you're not enjoying sex and he's doing it anyway....

That is not good.

AltitudeCheck · 01/02/2024 17:16

So basically you're saying he knows how but he doesn't want to or can't bring himself to touch or pleasure you @Sulley2222 unless he's coked up (or whatever drug he was into?).... That's pretty messed up!

Is he punishing you for taking his drug of choice away? Was he using it to mask some other issue that affects his performance?

Secondstart1001 · 01/02/2024 17:27

OP you mention performance related meds and once he stopped the sex became crap .. I can’t help thinking it’s related and perhaps he does engage or he will not last too long or lose his hardness. I am not sure only you can sense these things ..

Gettingbysomehow · 01/02/2024 17:30

Have an orgasm as quick as you can or pretend, roll off him and fall asleep before he has one.
After a few weeks of this he might get the message.

Raspberrymoon49 · 01/02/2024 17:31

Ugh, how can you be attracted to him?