I need to get this off my chest...

[Tangerine461]

This morning on my first day of my new job, my long term partner called me a 'fucking entitled prick'. It happened after I asked him to bring up some laundry I did the night before, as I needed something and I was busy getting ready.

As soon as I asked him it was like he erupted and blamed me for not doing it already - saying I was bossing him about by asking him to do something. I've replayed the scenario over in my mind and the drive to my work with him was 90% full of him saying I was in the wrong and he's not asked me for anything in the mornings I've been home.

I felt so overwhelmed by how stupid the entire argument was and after he called me those horrible words, I went quiet and just continued to get ready - putting my energy into the day ahead and trying to block out the words.

After coming home, I've washed over it because even if I try and bring up how I found it to be disrespectful - especially on the morning where I start a new job - I know it will get thrown back in my face about how it was my fault.

Moments like this are not uncommon, but I need to find some coping strategies to figure out how to respond in a clear and direct way. It hurts because I've never once called him such words and I feel I can't tell anyone as in some way I don't want to hurt him - even at the cost of hurting myself.

What would you do?

JFC @Madamlulu have you actually read the OP's posts?! This is an abusive, controlling man. If anything, HE is the one who should be working at the relationship, not the OP!

Stupid, stupid advice.

@Tangerine461

OP, someone called your "partner" a saboteur. Yes he is - in spades. He's jealous of your improved job status and the potential it has for your future. In what way is he a partner in your day to day life? Does he do his equal share (ie not "helping" in the home you share? Or do you do the lion's share. Does the new job mean he'll have to step up more?

No matter - staying any longer than the bare minimum with someone who behaves as though he hates you, and is so angry and petty is not a good idea. It's a mercy (an important) that you don't have children with him and are not married because it's less complicated, although still hard, when you come to separate your life from his. Thank goodness you have a strong, supportive network to help you through this.

Ensure that you move ASAP anything sentimental (which may get damaged "accidentally" plus any legal documents (your birth certificates, financial documents, passport) stored safely at your parents. Take legal advice about the sale of the house (arm yourself with equity amount. Mortgage outstanding, market value etc). He sounds as though he'll make life as difficult for you as possible so be prepared. 🌹

oh, OP I had this sabotage of things like that in my marriage that I should have left years earlier. Please do reconsider what he is giving you.

I truly feel for you. I do, and I have been a situation like this as have many other women. It is hard to leave when you've been beaten down so badly.

You mentioned working on building up your self-esteem while still living with the abuser, unfortunately that is impossible because as you witnessed with the light situation, he will just keep picking and picking at you, and destroy you with the death by a thousand cuts.

Your mother has given you the green light to come home. it seems like you are working from home too at least some of the time.

Everyone on here is giving you permission to leave. You can leave today. The house and anything else doesn't need to be sorted before you leave.

It's difficult, but find your important documents including your mortgage, pack your suitcase and go to your mother's. That's the only thing you need to do right now. You don't need to do anything else.

When you're at your mother's, you will be safe. You can call women's aid, a solicitor, and maybe a therapist. You can text the arsehole after you are safe and sound at your mother's that you are ending the relationship and not coming back.

This is crazy advice, abusers never change.

OP, I promise, once you escape this vile man you will be able to see clearly again. As time passes and you become 'you' again, and you'll look back and wonder why you ever put up with this behaviour (speaking from experience).

I feel scared for you. Whatever you do, don't discuss splitting up with him. He will manipulate you into staying. Honestly, just pack a bag and disappear to your Mum's house. Don't waste anymore of your precious time living like this, please.

I remember the numbness. I remember the feelings of guilt for even considering leaving, and obligation to stay and - I don't know, work on myself?

When I left, I told myself I'd go back if it turned out to be a mistake. I recommend something similar for you: go to your mum's (she sounds brilliant), just for a break. I gave myself six months but you could say two if that feels fairer. Being on a break will give you a chance to work on your self-worth (it is so much harder to do this when he's wearing you down daily) and it will clear your mind, which will help you to decide the best thing to do in the long term. Plus if you decide to leave him, you've already physically done that which makes it easier!

What I'd do is:

1. Pack up enough essentials and go to your mum's. Explain the plan to her.
2. Call him and tell him. He won't be happy, but it's got to be worth it to get your relationship into a better place, surely? That approach might be helpful when talking to him. Keep it short, though.
3. Concentrate on self-care. Eat things you like, get counselling if you can, put lights on when it's too dark(!), think about things that are not your relationship as much as you can. Defer thoughts of the future for now.
4. In the last week or two of the break, think about what you want to do long term. Do you want to separate permanently? Do you want another month to think? Do you want to go back with new ideas of how to cope?

And remember a relationship shouldn't be about "coping" with the other person's behaviour - it should be easy.

Yes, relationships take work and thought, but basically, day to day, they should be life-enhancing, not a struggle, not painful.

He's supposed to be on your side, not shooting you down constantly.

I’d dump him!

This morning on my first day of my new job, my long term partner called me a 'fucking entitled prick'.

OP, I read the rest of your posts, but I didn't need to. That comment alone shows you should not be living with this man. (No one should.) All his other weird coercive and insulting behaviour just backs that up. He is destroying you. Please get away from him right now. Thank god you haven't had a child with him -- imagine how he would torture you over the next 18 years.

No, absolutely do not him the chance to do that. He is an abuser, OP please ignore this. There is no right way to behave with an abuser- you can only be wrong.

urgh get rid and go and ENJOY your life. What a waste to be stuck with someone like that. Are you worried about finances or something? staying with your mum might work out really well.

This is is EXACTLY what he’s doing.

this is where this shit starts really biting.

what DID I do with a partner like him. Gave him a black bin bag and told him to pack up his shit and leave

I hope by now you have got all your important documents and sentimental items in a suitcase ready to go to mums.
Enjoy your first night of freedom!
Who's car is it?
If its yours take it, if not get a taxi ASAP.
Goodbye tucker, hello happy life 🤗💕

OK so I know you meant well but please DO NOT SUGGEST RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP IS ABUSIVE ….EVER.

OP please please go to your mums and stay there. This guy is bullying and belittling you. There is a lot of support on here for women in abusive relationships please make use of the good threads and the supportive posters - they will help you.

Get a bag together - few changes of clothes, important documents, precious items and go to your mum's.

If you can't do it today because he is home now, go tomorrow.

The house and your things can all be sorted later on. Please, don't waste your life on this awful man. A good life is out there if you have the courage to step out of the door. Let your mum help you.

I just want this post in huge 5’ high neon letters.

@Tangerine461 you’re worth SO much more than this

You poor sausage. Go home to mum (with the paperwork) instruct a solicitor & get that house sold & get him gone.

don’t have children with this person, he will be 100 times worse & you will feel more stuck than now x

There is something better for you x

Thank goodness you don't have children with him.

But, to get some perspective, imagine a scenario where he behaved towards your children the way he behaved towards you now.

How would you feel? What would you think? How do you think it would affect them psychologically?

Stand up for those imaginary children, and therefore yourself, now.

Go home to your mum to be nurtured. I'd welcome my DD home with open arms and lots of love. Let her care for you. 💕

Go back to your mum.

She won't want you to be suffering this. I would hate to think of my dd suffering this but wouldn't want to put too much pressure on her to leave in case it backfired.

Selling a house will be a nuisance but not more than that.
In the long run it will be so worth it.

Are you serious?

I really hope you stay on this thread and tell us what’s happening, how things are.
Be courageous, don’t think of what’s going to happen next week/about house/anything.
Just do the next thing and know you can handle it.
Go to your mums, leave this awful tense house, you can breathe there and decide on your next step with support and out of the toxic environment.
i wish you love, be brave, there is more to life than this for you.

Oh OP, others have way more valuable experience than me in what you are going through, but I just wanted to come on to say I believe in you. It sounds like you are going on a huge growth curve- really conscious now of your thinking, your emotions, and what is actually happening. That's huge. I really admire you for looking at what is happening in a fresh way, even though it's hard.

Keep on building that sense of self. And keep on seeing his behaviour for what it is - abusive, corrosive, designed to batter down your self esteem.

I really hope you can find it in you to leave soon. I do believe you will feel such a huge lift of weight off you. And you will be free to build the life you deserve. Sending hugs. Xx

You're advising her to stay with an abuser ?
We know they don't change.

Just read your post from 15/04/2024 10:00 - wow, what a dick. Good to hear that your mum and friends are supportive.
He loves making you feel guilty and bad about things, right? And now you're feeling guilty and bad about a) potentially leaving and b) not leaving. I'm sure it's crossed your mind, but just to confirm: yes, he's trained you to feel that way.
Of course it's scary to change things. Don't feel bad about not having left. Or about leaving. Don't feel like you "should" work on the relationship or that it would be your fault if it ended. He's not working on anything other than undermining you, and it is not your job to fix that.

I'm with someone who makes me feel like a nice person now. Even if he disagrees with me. It's lovely.
Any chance of some therapy for you? I found it really helpful.

WTF have I just read?

Why should she "try to work on this with him" when he can't behave properly in a long-term relationship?

If we were talking about a 3 year old having 'big feelings' then that's something to work on. We're talking about an adult. Presumably someone with a job and other responsibilities. I can guarantee you 100% that he doesn't talk to his boss or anyone else like this.

I've been married a long time but if my DH ever spoke to me like that he'd be out the door in a flash.

OP, you need to leave. Once you're out of the toxic situation you can work on your self-esteem and self-love. Right now whilst staying put may seem the most comfortable option in terms of bricks-and-mortar and financial security, your wellbeing is worth more than that.

<suggest the person giving the quoted advice changes their name to Madamdelulu because it's the most deluded garbage I've read.>