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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to get this off my chest...

127 replies

Tangerine461 · 31/01/2024 21:31

This morning on my first day of my new job, my long term partner called me a 'fucking entitled prick'. It happened after I asked him to bring up some laundry I did the night before, as I needed something and I was busy getting ready.

As soon as I asked him it was like he erupted and blamed me for not doing it already - saying I was bossing him about by asking him to do something. I've replayed the scenario over in my mind and the drive to my work with him was 90% full of him saying I was in the wrong and he's not asked me for anything in the mornings I've been home.

I felt so overwhelmed by how stupid the entire argument was and after he called me those horrible words, I went quiet and just continued to get ready - putting my energy into the day ahead and trying to block out the words.

After coming home, I've washed over it because even if I try and bring up how I found it to be disrespectful - especially on the morning where I start a new job - I know it will get thrown back in my face about how it was my fault.

Moments like this are not uncommon, but I need to find some coping strategies to figure out how to respond in a clear and direct way. It hurts because I've never once called him such words and I feel I can't tell anyone as in some way I don't want to hurt him - even at the cost of hurting myself.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 15/04/2024 12:14

What a terrible waste of your life, OP.

LeoTheLeopard · 15/04/2024 12:17

Tangerine461 · 15/04/2024 10:00

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I've read each one over and over again.

Since I last posted I've been working hard to build up my sense of self worth. I've been reflecting A LOT and have been trying to get out of my own head and see the situation for what it is. I've been speaking to my family and friends about things and really tried opening up about what I'm dealing with.

I've read other threads on here which show how others have built up the courage to leave and go onto live wonderful, peaceful lives and how much effort it takes - especially when it all seems so much. I've found them so inspiring.

I do think I'm trauma-bonded and there's almost an element of shame and guilt to the possibility of walking away - I'd feel bad for not being there.

When these thoughts and feelings come into my mind and heart, I need to remind myself for all the things I've listened to, all the verbal/emotional abuse and hurtful things I've been subjected to. All the feelings of being completely inadequate and not enough. But I know deep, deep down I'm not.

In a weird way, everything can feel like a blur or like we're just floating along in this and I avoid the confrontation and just think "I'll leave when it feels/is really, really bad" - when for a lot of people they would have already left. It feels like it goes back to the thought of giving more chances because the people-pleaser in me wants to have some hope.

Yet silly examples like this morning happen and I wonder 'what's the point?'...

There was a big storm this morning and the house was really dark so as I was walking through the house, I put the lamp on in my office and got back into bed to have a few moments to chill before starting work. My thoughts for putting the lamp on were just 'it looks dark in that room and it will make it feel cosy'. He comes out of the shower and asks me if I've been in that room this morning. I replied yes. He then went back into the hallway, started muttering under his breath at what a stupid thing it was to do and then came back into the bedroom to share why it was stupid for me to put the lamp on if I'm not in the room. I instantly knew I did something 'wrong' but questioned, is this something I need to waste my energy/thoughts and reflect on why I did it - no. So I just replied 'okay'. Clearly that annoyed him as he was goading me into did I not understand why it was a stupid thing to do. And I just said 'okay'. Looking back - what else was I meant to say or do? He left the room without saying goodbye so I got out of bed and began to get ready to log-in, went downstairs to feed the dog where I noticed most lights/lamps in each room were on. I didn't say anything and then he just walked out and drove away. I called him to say 'Goodbye then!' to which he asked if I liked the amount of light in the house now and not to waste his time before hanging up on me. I think my approach was to not give it much attention because it feels almost comical to get annoyed over such a small and insignificant thing...

But here I am replaying the episode over in my mind while I need to concentrate on my actual job. I know he'll be in a mood when he comes home later and that feels so anxiety-inducting knowing it could lead to a few days of the silent treatment before a conversation which basically lists everything that's wrong with me and my approach to things in life.

It doesn't feel so simple to just walk away and I'm trying to create these boundaries and build-up my sense of self again, while reaching out to my support network. Reading your comments makes me feel a little less alone and makes me understand how certain behaviours/actions are just not ok, so thank you.

I am a 18 months on from leaving such a relationship, probably longer than yours and with kids.

I can tell you that even if you think you aren’t being impacted- you are.

These words, even if you believe are washing over you, are also penetrating into you, and it has been a surprise to me to realize how much more pervasive his nastiness is.

The sooner you leave, the sooner you will life free from the fear of doing something which can be weaponised by his anger- which ends up being things like breathing/speaking/existing.

crochetcatsknitting · 15/04/2024 12:17

If you don't leave him now, you will have years more of this. When you eventually leave (if you don't break first) you will look back with such grief for the time wasted. He is abominable. Leave now. Just do it.

Nonewclothes2024 · 15/04/2024 12:55

@Tangerine461 what is your housing situation?
Silent treatment is abuse. He is abusive.
You're anxious about him coming home.
Do you have any where you can go?

Iaskedyouthrice · 15/04/2024 13:33

I would put every single one of those goddam lights back on for when he gets back from work. He's going to be an arsehole anyway. I wouldn't have rung him either.
But seriously, what do you need to do to get out of there? Are you quietly planning? You cannot stay with this man. He will destroy you.

ColdButSunny · 15/04/2024 13:46

Oh god OP. The lamp example is just ridiculous. What an arrogant twat he is.

Fannyfiggs · 15/04/2024 14:26

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2024 10:20

He's a cunt. Get rid of him.

Hmmmm, I think you should stop beating about the bush and get to the point 😲😂

But I agree 💯

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 15/04/2024 14:36

I know it can feel impossible to leave. I know it's easy to reason away, ignore or brush off each individual incident or to think to yourself that it's not so bad, plenty of people have it worse.

But the cumulative effect on you will be to wear you down until you feel you deserve his treatment of you and you literally CANNOT leave, because without him you would be nothing. You need to leave now, before you reach that point. You owe him nothing. Nothing at all.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 15/04/2024 15:34

Tangerine461 · 15/04/2024 10:00

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I've read each one over and over again.

Since I last posted I've been working hard to build up my sense of self worth. I've been reflecting A LOT and have been trying to get out of my own head and see the situation for what it is. I've been speaking to my family and friends about things and really tried opening up about what I'm dealing with.

I've read other threads on here which show how others have built up the courage to leave and go onto live wonderful, peaceful lives and how much effort it takes - especially when it all seems so much. I've found them so inspiring.

I do think I'm trauma-bonded and there's almost an element of shame and guilt to the possibility of walking away - I'd feel bad for not being there.

When these thoughts and feelings come into my mind and heart, I need to remind myself for all the things I've listened to, all the verbal/emotional abuse and hurtful things I've been subjected to. All the feelings of being completely inadequate and not enough. But I know deep, deep down I'm not.

In a weird way, everything can feel like a blur or like we're just floating along in this and I avoid the confrontation and just think "I'll leave when it feels/is really, really bad" - when for a lot of people they would have already left. It feels like it goes back to the thought of giving more chances because the people-pleaser in me wants to have some hope.

Yet silly examples like this morning happen and I wonder 'what's the point?'...

There was a big storm this morning and the house was really dark so as I was walking through the house, I put the lamp on in my office and got back into bed to have a few moments to chill before starting work. My thoughts for putting the lamp on were just 'it looks dark in that room and it will make it feel cosy'. He comes out of the shower and asks me if I've been in that room this morning. I replied yes. He then went back into the hallway, started muttering under his breath at what a stupid thing it was to do and then came back into the bedroom to share why it was stupid for me to put the lamp on if I'm not in the room. I instantly knew I did something 'wrong' but questioned, is this something I need to waste my energy/thoughts and reflect on why I did it - no. So I just replied 'okay'. Clearly that annoyed him as he was goading me into did I not understand why it was a stupid thing to do. And I just said 'okay'. Looking back - what else was I meant to say or do? He left the room without saying goodbye so I got out of bed and began to get ready to log-in, went downstairs to feed the dog where I noticed most lights/lamps in each room were on. I didn't say anything and then he just walked out and drove away. I called him to say 'Goodbye then!' to which he asked if I liked the amount of light in the house now and not to waste his time before hanging up on me. I think my approach was to not give it much attention because it feels almost comical to get annoyed over such a small and insignificant thing...

But here I am replaying the episode over in my mind while I need to concentrate on my actual job. I know he'll be in a mood when he comes home later and that feels so anxiety-inducting knowing it could lead to a few days of the silent treatment before a conversation which basically lists everything that's wrong with me and my approach to things in life.

It doesn't feel so simple to just walk away and I'm trying to create these boundaries and build-up my sense of self again, while reaching out to my support network. Reading your comments makes me feel a little less alone and makes me understand how certain behaviours/actions are just not ok, so thank you.

Keep writing everything down. It will help you realise it's not you, it's him. And it's hopeless, because he doesn't want things to work or to have a "normal" relationship.

I started writing everything down and eventually I managed to get out. Good luck.

Greywitch2 · 15/04/2024 15:36

AutumnFroglets · 31/01/2024 21:35

He did it deliberately OP. You were too happy about your new job and needed bringing down a peg or two. It's classic abusive behaviour, look it up and see what else he does that's abusive. You will be stunned.

This. I'd leave him.

Original poster
Tangerine461 · 15/04/2024 15:40

Thank you everyone for your comments.

To answer a couple of questions...
We own the house together, no kids and not married/engaged. I need to dig-out the paperwork for a closer look at the details. I feel so guilty for even thinking about speaking to my solicitor or mortgage advisor about it.

What my family and friends have said...
I've had some good conversations with my Mum who has heard some comments - she's started to see the 'jokes' for what they are and has said to me I can come home any time. Friends-wise they can see how unhappy I am and have told me things are uncalled for and I deserve more.

I feel in such a state of limbo - I know we can't continue like this and while everyone else around me is getting married or having babies, I know this will never be the case. He even told me it's my fault he hasn't proposed because I haven't changed certain things about me. And yet, I'm made to feel guilty for not being proposed to, or not having kids. The more I think it through, the more I know and realise how toxic this entire situation is.

Do I feel angry?
I should. But I feel so drained. I feel numb to it all - then I feel really sad, have a good cry and get myself back up again re-playing 'it will be fine' over and over in my head. I try and over-compensate and end up either apologising or just try and brush it off. I'm not one to feel angry towards loved ones and it feels sad to realise how disassociated I feel when I should be angry - and to not feel bad for feeling that. It takes every ounce of my being to put on a brave face and as someone pointed out I'm in the freeze zone.

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 15/04/2024 15:46

Please care about yourself more

Your lack of respect and love for yourself is astonishing

pikkumyy77 · 15/04/2024 15:49

You are dissociated because you can’t bear this reality. Leave first snd then work out the details. If he asks, or anyone asks, just say, simply, “neither of us was happy.” Nothing more needs to be said.

Kittynoodle · 15/04/2024 15:49

This is horrible!
im really frightened for you!
each update is just horrific!

do you really want this to be your life??

for ever??

think about it, you need and deserve better!

PinedApple · 15/04/2024 15:53

I have not RTFT but just wanted to say that my partner has never ever sworn at me or called me names, or called me stupid. I cannot even fathom a situation where he would. This is not normal and would really encourage you to see this relationship for what it is - cruel and abusive. I hope you can find a better life for yourself soon.

Zebracat · 15/04/2024 16:06

Oh my dear sweet girl. Men like that look for kind selfless, reasonable people who they can dominate and then they drive them into the ground. He will have felt really good this morning driving off to work having given you what for. Everone can understand exactly why you put the lamp on, just to make starting work on a cold dark morning a little easier. If my Dh had seen that lamp he would have suggested I also needed my extra fluffy slippers and a dog on my feet. You are suffering trauma. He has made you numb. He isn’t going to change and it won’t get better. If you don’t leave soon, I think one day you will just completely shut down. Meanwhile, in such circumstances, ok is quite a good answer. But you are a bully I’m out of here is better.

Back2front · 15/04/2024 16:10

Absolutely leave the relationship. It will get worse with time.

pictoosh · 15/04/2024 16:24

I recognise your situation so well.

The argument this morning was deliberate. He wanted to take the shine off your first day. Can't have you being too focused on or gaining enjoyment from something that has absolutely nothing to do with him. He would have found something to be vicious about in order to bring the attention back on himself, no matter what. His turning on of all the lamps was to ridicule your excitement. He can't stand it.
And you know this.

Fucker.

MyWhoHa · 15/04/2024 16:31

What do you think will happen if you end the relationship? What are you afraid of? You have the option of going to your Mum's and can arrange to sell up whilst living there. A house is not worth a life like this. If you don't leave this pos then you really are the agent of your own misery.

RandomMess · 15/04/2024 16:33

Don't waste anymore time on him.

You want marriage & children with a true partner not an abusive arsehole.

Don't let your fertility slip away by staying.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/04/2024 16:37

Jeezo, he sounds like my ex. I married mine and stayed waaaay too long. It got worse and worse and I was a shadow of my former self by the time I did get out. Dont be me…

Cantalever · 15/04/2024 16:46

This is tough, OP, but here goes - It sounds as though he wants out of the relationship but does not have the guts to end it himself. He is therefore goading you with all his horrible behaviours so that you end it instead, and he can be a victim. Have you any insight as to why he might want to do that, play victim? Or is he just a coward? Either way, you can call his bluff and end it, but considering the above may give you clues as to how best to handle the break-up. Is he motivated by how much money he would get if your home is sold, for example? Or, quite likely, he has someone else lined up, but wants you to take the rap as bad guy when you split. See a solicitor to find out your exact situation re. splitting assets, then get out of there, and don't look back. You deserve so much better than this miserable sod.🌸

SuperGreens · 15/04/2024 16:47

Please leave, this man is a sabotager, he will destroy anything good in your life. The sooner you get away the sooner you can rebuild your life and start having the happy peaceful supportive home and family you want. It will never happen while you are with him, and having children with someone like this is the worse possible thing you could do, for you and the children. Find a counsellor first someone who can support you through this, tell them that is the objective of therapy, so you can be supported in getting out of the trauma bond.

Madamlulu · 15/04/2024 16:50

I would try to work on this with him because relationships and learning how to behave in a long term relationship is something we often need to learn how to do. It's often dictated what has been modelled to us growing up.

Working hard on a relationship is worth it so I would give it a go, suggest relationship therapy as you do not accept being spoken to like this but want to give him a chance to work on this.

Give that a go and if he refuses to or it doesn't work then consider your options.

Good luck

category12 · 15/04/2024 16:58

Go home to mother, OP. Don't think about it too hard, just do.

It's great news that you don't have kids and aren't married to this guy.

FGS make sure your contraception stays good. This is not the relationship to bring kids into.

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