I need to get this off my chest...

[Tangerine461]

This morning on my first day of my new job, my long term partner called me a 'fucking entitled prick'. It happened after I asked him to bring up some laundry I did the night before, as I needed something and I was busy getting ready.

As soon as I asked him it was like he erupted and blamed me for not doing it already - saying I was bossing him about by asking him to do something. I've replayed the scenario over in my mind and the drive to my work with him was 90% full of him saying I was in the wrong and he's not asked me for anything in the mornings I've been home.

I felt so overwhelmed by how stupid the entire argument was and after he called me those horrible words, I went quiet and just continued to get ready - putting my energy into the day ahead and trying to block out the words.

After coming home, I've washed over it because even if I try and bring up how I found it to be disrespectful - especially on the morning where I start a new job - I know it will get thrown back in my face about how it was my fault.

Moments like this are not uncommon, but I need to find some coping strategies to figure out how to respond in a clear and direct way. It hurts because I've never once called him such words and I feel I can't tell anyone as in some way I don't want to hurt him - even at the cost of hurting myself.

What would you do?

Gosh his contempt for you is really shocking, looking at it for the outside. He's treating you as if you're a disobedient employee rather than a life partner who has equal value and worth!

Do you have children together? If not, leaving - while not easy - will at least enable you to remove him from your life permanently, once you've sorted out the disentangling of finance and property.

Keep working on building up your sense of self worth. You absolutely deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and consideration.

Have you read Lundy Bamcroft's book "Why does he do that?"? There is a sort of sketch of the different types of abuser at the beginning of that. Your man strikes me as the "Drill Sergeant" type.

Please try to take on board that his behaviour, moods and verbal abuse are facets of HIS personality. You cannot cause his behaviour, you cannot control it and you can't cure it. The only person you have control over is yourself.

I really hope you can get free of this horrible man before he sucks even more life out of you. 💐

OP - this is far, far from normal or acceptable. Please get yourself out of this situation as soon as you can.

He's a childish little shit, isn't he?

Who fucking died and made him God Of All Household Lights? If my partner did the same, all I'd likely say would be 'Good idea, isn't it fucking dark this morning, never know it was the middle of April, more like the middle of December'...you know, the type of reaction a 'normal' reasonable person has.

Like @EvenMoreFuriousVexation said The only person you have control over is yourself. Next time he pulls shit like this, totally ignore it. If he starts with the silent treatment, ignore it and go on with your life as if he isn't even there...which should include plans to leave him as soon as is humanly possible. Fucking arsehole, he is.

OP he doesn't even like you never mind love you. Do you really want to live like this?

Honestly - just leave. Pack your bags and block his phone. Have you any family or friends you can stay with ?

He's a cunt. Get rid of him.

Honestly, why do women stay with men like this!? Id have his stuff on the lawn and the locks changed before the day was out.

Sounds like a c*nt. why aren't you more angry about this c

I was pleased to read you had updated the thread until I had seen you were still putting up with his shit.

You are being abused.

The abuse can either ramp up until you are in serious danger or worse, or you can leave as soon as possible. There is no love in this relationship, it is actually scary for someone to read the control he wants. You have no control on deciding if you would like a lamp on. Next week will he decide to control when you eat, if you can go to the toilet during the night, if you can text your friend back? It is not getting better.

What are your family and friends saying? If you told them that story from this morning then I would hope they would support you moving away from this abusive headcase.

But it is so 'simple as to walk away'. Do it or you'll be posting the same in another 4 months and another 4 months.

OP, it's actually incredibly easy to simply step out of the door, and not return.

The hard part is sorting finances/belongings etc, but that can be done from elsewhere. Just ensure you keep yourself safe, as he sounds positively dangerous, as well as thoroughly abusive and derisive of you.

You don't mention children, OP. Thank god you're not married to this utter prick.

What's your financial situation like? Do you share accounts? Do you have a mortgage with him? If you rent, whose name is on the lease?

Oof he is good isn't he?

Sorry, OP , but I think his attitude to you will only get worse.
He’s goading, wants a fight. He’s not going to be content until he’s crushed you.
Leave him or kick him out. Tell him then the relationship is over.

Op, please leave. You don’t need to live with this level of stress and anxiety. Above all, do not have children with this unkind man if you have not already done so. His anger and need to be in control will only escalate.

He’s obviously the type of person who offloads all
of his own stress on to others. Think about that for a moment. Being nasty to you actually makes him feel better.

He chose to insult you with those vile words rather than wish you well for your new job. You will feel so much better away from him 💐

This man is only happy if he is the boss and in control of everything.
if you have any independence from him he feels extremely threatened and is triggered into a rage where his impulse is to crush and dominate you.
You must save yourself from this fate OP

Your other threads regarding him are awful. He is in no way someone you need in your life.

Please find some self respect and get this useless cunt out of you life.

I stayed for far too long with someone who really wasn’t very nice to me, so I have no judgement on you.

I agree that you need to find a way to not let these comments and arguments get to you.

My suggestions, re your first example. If he creates about doing small favours for you. Then do them all yourself, but stop doing small favours for him. Ok I know that’s not constructive in the long term, but it will satisfy the feeling that he’s not being fair. He may not even notice at first.

Secondly, re the lamps, grey rock and then grey rock some more. You could start calling him out on pointless stuff if you feel argumentative enough.

Finally, when things are relaxed, have a conversation about what language/insults are not acceptable from either of you. If he won’t accept that calling you a fucking entitled prick is beyond the pale- then I think you are in planning to leave territory.

i lived for a very long time in a state of walking on eggshells and not making waves in order to keep the peace. It is devastating for your self esteem not to be your true self with a partner. Please don’t let yourself do this.

Hey OP
Your update is so heartbreaking it's almost unbearable to read
I'm so so sorry this is happening to you, this person is a nasty nasty abusive human being, you deserve so much better.
I watched my dad behave this way towards my mum and he slowly crushed her, until she had no self esteem left.
Hope you manage to find a way out of this situation,
X

I'd honestly change the locks and have his stuff in boxes by the time he gets back.

If the house was mine, that's exactly what I'd do. Take the day off and get it all sorted.

But has the light come in on you op? That light bulb moment that tells you he is a cunt and you deserve more? Your home can look like Blackpool of you so wish. You should feel safe and happy in your home. Do YOU?
Only you can change things. He won't... Not for the better anyway.

Do you ever allow yourself to get angry? And do you ever express that anger? I think the answers to both of these are probably no.

What do you imagine the result of you being visibly angry with him would be?

Can you talk us through it?

RUN. Do not walk RUN to the nearest exit. His behavior is straight up abusive and your response is to “freeze” — which is a trauma response as much as are fight and flight. Freezing is a technique of avoidance and is also a dissociative act. A little is good (as when you freeze when a tiger walks by) a lot us bad (as playing dead to avoid attack leaves you vulnerable and fills your body with cortisol).

You are going to have to be very brave to escape because he and you have built up a mind maze that you feel you need to traverse before making a move to leave. But you only need to make up your mind to leave. The rest is detail.

I sm absolutely praying you find ghe strength and support you deserve to leave him. Take care and think of yourself first, last, and always.

It doesn't feel so simple to just walk away and I'm trying to create these boundaries and build-up my sense of self again, while reaching out to my support network

Your self worth will increase tenfold when you don't need to second guess if every thing you do is wrong in his eyes.

Please contact Women's Aid and get some advice. If the house is yours then I believe you can just kick him out and change the locks. However, if it's jointly owned or rented then it's a bit trickier, but Women's Aid will be able to advise you on this.