Thank you to everyone for your replies. I've read each one over and over again.
Since I last posted I've been working hard to build up my sense of self worth. I've been reflecting A LOT and have been trying to get out of my own head and see the situation for what it is. I've been speaking to my family and friends about things and really tried opening up about what I'm dealing with.
I've read other threads on here which show how others have built up the courage to leave and go onto live wonderful, peaceful lives and how much effort it takes - especially when it all seems so much. I've found them so inspiring.
I do think I'm trauma-bonded and there's almost an element of shame and guilt to the possibility of walking away - I'd feel bad for not being there.
When these thoughts and feelings come into my mind and heart, I need to remind myself for all the things I've listened to, all the verbal/emotional abuse and hurtful things I've been subjected to. All the feelings of being completely inadequate and not enough. But I know deep, deep down I'm not.
In a weird way, everything can feel like a blur or like we're just floating along in this and I avoid the confrontation and just think "I'll leave when it feels/is really, really bad" - when for a lot of people they would have already left. It feels like it goes back to the thought of giving more chances because the people-pleaser in me wants to have some hope.
Yet silly examples like this morning happen and I wonder 'what's the point?'...
There was a big storm this morning and the house was really dark so as I was walking through the house, I put the lamp on in my office and got back into bed to have a few moments to chill before starting work. My thoughts for putting the lamp on were just 'it looks dark in that room and it will make it feel cosy'. He comes out of the shower and asks me if I've been in that room this morning. I replied yes. He then went back into the hallway, started muttering under his breath at what a stupid thing it was to do and then came back into the bedroom to share why it was stupid for me to put the lamp on if I'm not in the room. I instantly knew I did something 'wrong' but questioned, is this something I need to waste my energy/thoughts and reflect on why I did it - no. So I just replied 'okay'. Clearly that annoyed him as he was goading me into did I not understand why it was a stupid thing to do. And I just said 'okay'. Looking back - what else was I meant to say or do? He left the room without saying goodbye so I got out of bed and began to get ready to log-in, went downstairs to feed the dog where I noticed most lights/lamps in each room were on. I didn't say anything and then he just walked out and drove away. I called him to say 'Goodbye then!' to which he asked if I liked the amount of light in the house now and not to waste his time before hanging up on me. I think my approach was to not give it much attention because it feels almost comical to get annoyed over such a small and insignificant thing...
But here I am replaying the episode over in my mind while I need to concentrate on my actual job. I know he'll be in a mood when he comes home later and that feels so anxiety-inducting knowing it could lead to a few days of the silent treatment before a conversation which basically lists everything that's wrong with me and my approach to things in life.
It doesn't feel so simple to just walk away and I'm trying to create these boundaries and build-up my sense of self again, while reaching out to my support network. Reading your comments makes me feel a little less alone and makes me understand how certain behaviours/actions are just not ok, so thank you.