DD is 55 and sleeps during the day

[longpathtohappiness]

DH had the day off today and he has done nothing. He has sat on the sofa since getting up and now he is asleep. He had a health check yesterday and all seems okay. It's not a new thing, he has been like it for a while now but getting worse

His father was just the same... help me... MIL had Church and her own hobbies and now I totally now understand why.

I feel like a flaky friend as a lot of my "mum" friends from when DC were little have fallen by the wayside as DH will not go out as a couple.

I'm now in a new territory of trying to make new friends as DC are growing up and will be leaving the nest soon.

HELP ME - tried talking IRL to people but they don't get it.

I don't think anyone has said it was weird - just that you shouldn't depend on partner for all your social needs.

If you are really unhappy with him, you don't have to stay married.he sounds extremely dull and if you have grown apart, that's fine. But you don't say what you love about him, or if you even love him.
Absolutely see your friends without him. Organise things and put dates in the diary. I socialise mostly with other women. My OH seems quie happy going weeks between seeing friends where as I love a good catch up w friends.

Depression? Any big changes recently such as adult children leaving home? I have to say, it sounds a terribly sedate routine for a 55-year-old. Getting tired on a half hour walk with the dog is something I’d expect from someone significantly older. You sound really lonely, OP. When your fella isn’t napping, what’s the relationship itself like?

Change is inevitable. He has changed into this person.. a person who is more tired after work and a person who isn't interested in interacting and socializing much..if not at all. All bodies are not the same. He may require more sleep and may tire quickly now. Although you may feel as he is living an unfulfilled life now,, he may feel differently.

Some people find great peace, fufillment and are very happy with being homebodies and having minimal interaction with the outside world.

It's unfortunate that perhaps your expectations when entering or somewhere along the line in this relationship perhaps excluded this current situation as a future possibility.

It's unfortunate that you seem to have relied mostly on him and family friends for your social activities, and social needs...instead of cultivating and exploring new hobbies, interests, developing and nurturing new friendships on your own.

It's sad and unfortunate that perhaps you two may be incompatible now, and that you two don't spend much time together as you would like. It's unfortunate that you feel alone and lonely in your relationship.

It's unfortunate that he perhaps may be having a difficult time coming to terms with how things are now too..

If you remain, it's best to develop hobbies, interests, and new friendships..on your own.. perhaps therapy may be beneficial for you to help you adjust and perhaps come to some sort of acceptance to this transition in life..

Perhaps if you choose...it may be unfortunately best to part ways. You two are just have differences in life that don't align as before. Therapy unfortunately can't fix the loneliness that you feel in your relationship, nor will it "fix" him. If you leave, perhaps you could find someone that you're better suited for in this phase of your life. An active, full of life social person.

I'm sorry that you two are going through this.

Different issues in your posts though.

Personally, I don't see any issue with having a sleep in the afternoon - I'm rather fond of a nap myself.
Nor do I have any issue with a person, who has a day off in grey, miserable January (or any time in truth) just lolling about for a day not really doing much. Whether that is watching rubbish TV, gaming, reading, or whatever. Sometimes it is good to 'do nothing'.

Then, huge numbers of people don't get any physical activity into their day. The fact he regularly does 30min dog walks puts him way ahead of huge numbers of people that never walk for that long.

Now, if this was a person who was really active and this is a big change, that's one thing. But on their own, there is nothing there that is odd.

You are just being weird about not having friends because he doesn't do things with you. Just go out and about doing things you enjoy, and making friends with other people who enjoy those things. I go to most of the things I do, without dh. We are married, not joined at the hip.

I took off last Friday just so I could nap. It was the most loveliest thing. And I nap atl least 2 hours a day on the weekends. I’m in my early 50s but ever since my early 20s I was always on the go. I dated someone for a few years in my late 30s and he always wanted to be on the go every weekend. It became so boring. Obviously he’s an ex. 😂 Once my dc left home I vowed I would be a homebody and I’m doing a fine job of it 😂 I still get out once every few months which is enough for me and I don’t feel like I’m wasting my life at all.

Surely you can still go out even if he doesn't want to. Join something, find some friends or just go out on your own. He sounds very boring.

You cancel on people because he doesn't want to go?
How annoying for them.

You never go out anywhere together?
I would hate that.

What sort of work does he do?

You posted during the week and seem to have been home during the day to see how he spent it - do you work?

If he's working FT in a physically or mentally demanding job and you aren't, I can see how your energy levels could be very different.

Midlife is a weird point in life - for some they do just want to pootle along, nap and not change their routine because it’s familiar and comfortable
Then there are those of us who think about the fact that this is not a dress rehearsal- we want to experience life, see new things, feel alive

This does not mean anyone can’t have a nap - they can be good but I don’t think the nap is the issue - it’s the lack of ‘life’

So you have to ask the right questions. Entering a new phase of life, kids growing up etc ‘ what is it you want from life?’
You may find you both want different things but can chug along together respecting each others way or it may make you reflect on your next step

In the meantime - go out with others, join groups, live your life and be happy
Didn’t someone mention recently that 55 to 65 is sniper alley?? People dying at this age is a shock but it happens - we all need to live each day

Best of British OP

Why didn’t you just go on your own? I like many others don’t understand why his naps have caused you to lose friends or cancel on people, if he doesn’t want to go just go and do stuff without him!

Also op, there are many people all over the world, all ages living this type of life due to work, school, other... and how these things completely drain them. .and the toll it takes on them physically and mentally.

A lot of people's lives primarily consist of work, tending to hygiene eating (or not), errands, bills, and sleep..

..of course aging makes things even tougher

Has he had Covid? It’s worryingly common to have long Covid. Sometimes it’s mild, like just needing more rest. Sometimes more severe like my DH. He accompanied me on a 40 minute dog walk on Saturday. He enjoyed it, but crashed on Sunday. Spent 3 days in bed and has been dragging himself around breathless ever since. We should have known better, but it’s easy to get over-enthusiastic when he’s been feeling pretty good for a couple of weeks.

What kind of jobs and hours do you both do?

While he is sleeping guess who has to pick up everything else 🙄

Leave him to get t, get outside and enjoy yourself!

wubwubwub

I am really trying perhaps too much as feel exhausted today. I'm spinning so many plates

Bloody annoying that you are left to do everything.
How would he feel if you were having all of these naps?

Socialising, you’ll have to start doing your own thing.
People are different, if he wants to sit around all day you can’t change that, unfortunately. My dad is the same…

@longpathtohappiness you need to find a tribe and do things yourself- my H is quite the opposite at 59- certainly doesn't nap-however he isn't particularly social , nor that bothered about doing stuff in an evening as he works till around 7pm (self employed) I learnt years ago if I wanted to get out more than a once a week Friday date night , I would need friends - we became far too co dependent -

Another thing is that I go to the same cafe most mornings and there are always tables of 3 and 4 clearly retired women- I never ever see 3 or 4 retired blokes. It seems to me a lot of men beyond a certain age become very hermit like when it comes to socialising- not all I know , (see golf club wides for details) but far more than women

That's a separate issue though and nothing to do with him enjoying a nap or two.

Millions of people nap everyday and manage to still contribute.

Why can't you go on your own?

This all seems a total non issue unless you're physically joined to him and literally can't go anywhere without him.

Which you're not, so why are you not doing things?

Well that's a different issue. He can nap and do household tasks. Did he do stuff around the home before he started sleeping more?

Its very frustrating. And unfortunately, given he won't change as his narrative is that he 'cant' because he can't help being tired, it's his age, slowing down etc etc, (a narrative that gets a surprising level of buy in going by some of the responses on here) then eventually your only option will be a cost benefit analysis.
Bluntly, are you better off overall accepting how he is, socialising alone and doing the lions share of everything while he sleeps in the chair; but at least brings in an income, offers a level of companionship, and possibly 'helps' with some tasks if pushed? Or would you he better striking out on your own? Because those are the only choices open to you, as you can't force him to change.