DD is 55 and sleeps during the day

[longpathtohappiness]

DH had the day off today and he has done nothing. He has sat on the sofa since getting up and now he is asleep. He had a health check yesterday and all seems okay. It's not a new thing, he has been like it for a while now but getting worse

His father was just the same... help me... MIL had Church and her own hobbies and now I totally now understand why.

I feel like a flaky friend as a lot of my "mum" friends from when DC were little have fallen by the wayside as DH will not go out as a couple.

I'm now in a new territory of trying to make new friends as DC are growing up and will be leaving the nest soon.

HELP ME - tried talking IRL to people but they don't get it.

Well I think he sounds incredibly boring and I don't blame you OP.
Life is for living and surely you are with someone to have fun together, not in order to live lives separately.
For context I see my friends separately from my Dh, he sees his without me, but we still do things together, go to gigs etc. My DH is 52.

Don’t feel that you need to take him when you go out with couples. I have one friend whose husband is always 50-50 as he can never commit due to work. I’d rather see her alone than not at all because her husband’s not there.

I can't understand what the problem is if someone needs more sleep, or to rest and relax more? My partner didn't do what they planned to do (housework-wise) yesterday while I was out at an evening activity, and was tired at the weekend too so we didn't do much then, just pottered, watched some films, as I had nothing specific on and not much desire to go out to individually. I just said in both cases "never mind, you/we obviously need to rest". Work is fairly full on at the moment and we have other projects and hobbies that take some of our time.

Some people get more tired than others while working the same standard week, and/or get sleep deprived during the working week. Some people need more sleep (9-10 hours) daily, ideally. Some people get a lot more tired when the light levels are low. Some people get more tired because of medical conditions (that are being managed). We're talking about changing things in due course to do a 4-day week each, I've got some friends who did this yonks ago for childcare reasons but then just kept it going. It's not a competition who can sleep the least and do the most! It's about quality of life and what works for you both in your partnership.

OP there is no good reason you can't go and see your friends by yourself regularly. Although if you can NEVER go out with your partner and have no social life with him long term, then that is a problem, although it is still not the be-all and end-all if the rest of the relationship is good. I go out with my partner about once or twice a month, to see family or to go out-out (we did a lot in December, so now we are knackered, and trying to catch up with domestic things). We also go out to do our own hobbies or see friends about weekly, sometimes twice-weekly.

MIL had Church and her own hobbies and now I totally now understand why.

What's there to understand? Most people have their own interests and hobbies, some of which won't overlap with their partner's. Perfectly normal.

It's more that your H is now a bore I think op. Arguing over the length of dog walk is not good.

What does he bring to your life?

Yes I have previously cancelled things because because he didn't want to go

See, to me this seems like you're cutting off your nose to spite your face and comes across as a bit silly IMO. Why wouldn't you go by yourself?

I think the napping and the not being interested in socialising are different issues. I'm 40 and can't remember a time when I didn't enjoy an afternoon nap on a wet afternoon off, one of life's greatest pleasures. That doesn't mean I don't want or like to socialise with my own and DH's friends though. Different things.

I'm 39 and nap any chance I get. My DH is quite happy to entertain himself when that happens though and he has a lot of his own interests.

Well he does sound boring I agree. My dh is 57 but loves a night out either with me, other couples, or his mates.

Re the dog walks could you try new places, maybe a national trust park, or maybe ending at a pub or cafe for lunch? Organise places to go together and make it clear you are going together.

The bigger picture aside, I do agree with the suggestions upthread that he be checked for sleep apnoea. This isn't something that is likely to be picked up on a nurse-led general check-up - he needs to specifically describe his excessive daytime sleepiness, plus snoring, excessive weight etc if these apply. It's common in middle-aged men and treatment can make an enormous difference.

I have to say, I don't really like the implication that someone who doesn't enjoy nights out must be boring.

Start yoga, Pilates or HIIT classes - easy to make friends there in my experience. Live your own life.

If he's unfit (and maybe overweight?) he probably won't be getting a decent sleep at night. If he would commit to completely cleaning up his diet, plant based, whole foods, no alcohol; take a brisk walk a day and start to lift some weights, he'd likely be like a 35 year old again. (I'm nearly 55 and I did this.) However, he obviously won't because he cba. So unfortunately you'll have to press on and make the best of your life under your own steam while he sleeps his away at home.

I'm 27 and nap during the day on my days off. I like to sleep and I'm someone who needs a lot of it.

I also don't love hanging out with a partner's friends - why would I?

I'm very fit and definitely wouldn't consider myself boring. I don't think you can make an issue of it tbh OP - you'd be projecting your expectations of your own life onto him. If there's nothing physically wrong with him he's entitled to have a nap and socialize with who he wants.

It's good to have separate hobbies and friends! I'd go down that route if I were you

Lucky man. I so would have loved a sleep today.

Why do you need to do everything in couples? I'm older than you, and we have some joint friends, but most of my socialising with friends is one to one, without partners.
Take up a new hobby, do some volunteering..... it's very dangerous at our age for us to rely entirely on a spouse, because one day they may not be there....

You are a couple not joined at the hip he does his thing and you can do yours we do some things together but we don't wait around for each other like lost puppies we just do what we want

He sounds boring, but it's not unusual for men not to be bothered socialising if all their social needs are being met by their family.

Do you mind saying whether you work? If so, you will know it leaves you increasingly tired as you get older.

Do you actually want to remain in a relationship with him?

I’m somewhat bewildered at the attitude on here that it’s weird to want to enjoy activities or a social life with your partner? Why is it unreasonable for one half of a couple to want to spend time with the other? 🤔

Some people like to socialise in couples and it’s difficult if your DH is not one for that sort of thing. My DH does not enjoy couple-y socialising and it can feel limiting when I’m trying to make friends. People invite us both out and I have to say it’ll just be me and they try to rearrange to accommodate or look hurt and don’t reinvite. It’s ok for me, as we do plenty together and I have my own friends. But I get where you’re coming from OP.

Same. Me and Dh have our own lives, friends and interests but of course I want to spend time with him too. I want to enjoy his company - that's hardly unusual in a marriage

Oh God. I feel for you, my DH is getting worse and worse and my Dad was like this and I've only just made the connection. It's depressing!

To the pp whose dh naps 5 times a day and falls asleep at 4am - has he been referred to a sleep clinic? That doesn’t sound like poor sleep
hygiene alone - could be a rhythmic disorder and/or sleep apnoea.