Is it normal for my husband to not be interested in my hobbies?

[Alittlecuddlefromme]

Me and my husband have been together for 16 years, we have 3 kids and we’ve had no big relationship dramas.
Around 3 years ago I got quite depressed as our kids were all in school full time and I felt very unhappy. I blamed our marriage and asked him to leave, when we met up to talk a few days later, I explained my feelings and came to the realisation that my happiness was my responsibility and not his. He came back home and I worked on how I could make myself happy.
I always wanted to do outdoor things, but he’s a homebody. So we didn’t often do the things I wanted to do.
I got a 12 month contract at an outdoor activity centre, this created a hobby of caving, abseiling, climbing, paddling and lots of other things. I met my current best friend in that job, we’re still very close, I go on ‘adventures’ with my best friend whenever we both have the time.
When I come back from these adventures I’m so excited to tell my husband about it, and about what I achieved and how proud I am of how far I’ve come.
But each time I come home, he’s either gaming, watching TV or talks/acts in a way that makes me feel awkward to tell him about it. So I don’t tell him. He never asks. I used to just tell him anyway, but if he was gaming with his friends they would all joke about what I was saying and pass it off as ‘banter’. If he’s watching TV he seems to be bored of what I’m saying and plays on his phone or just doesn’t say anything and talks about his day or puts TV back on.
After this going on for a while I stopped telling him.

I feel so low and out of place when I get home, I feel anxious that I’m not going to be able to go out again incase this means he’s mad that I’ve been gone for 2 days. He never says he’s mad, but I can feel that he is. I go for 2 days because my best friend moved, he used to love 30 mins away, now he lives 3 hours away. Don’t worry about him being a he, he’s gay, and my husband really likes him, so him being a he isn’t an issue.
I’m terrified I’ll have to stop going out, I’m just going to end up depressed again.
Our kids aren’t really interested in my hobbies either, or they’re too young to join in. Plus the things I do can be quite dangerous and I’m worried if I take them I’ll be busy worrying about them rather than having fun, so I’ll wait till their a bit older. My kids are homebodies too, they all game and are like their dad.
I can’t really do things local, because locally my only options are drinking or shopping, I don’t drink and shopping is boring.
When I’m go to my best friends, I feel important, I feel fun, I feel funny and I feel like myself. At home, if it’s just me and my kids I get hyper and we play or banter or just have fun. With my husband, I just feel like I’m an inconvenience, or I feel like I’m annoying him, or like he just can’t be bother to talk to me about the things I enjoy. It’s almost like I’m invisible sometimes, like it doesn’t matter what I want, enjoy, think or feel. We do talk about his hobbies, the kids, things going on in the world ect.

Any idea why he’s not interested in my hobbies? Or I how I manage to talk about it without annoying him? I’m so proud of everything I do, and this past weekend I did something I’ve never done before, I’m so proud of myself and I so wanted him to be proud too. My best friend has been sending me voice notes saying things like ‘I can’t believe you managed it, I’m so proud of you and I can’t wait for us to push our limits again’, I’ve played these and replied to them in front of my husband and he’s not once asked what we did. To be clear, I don’t expect him to join in, just care about what I do.

Hi, well done on finding some new life affirming activities!

It seems to me like you have embarked on a period of self development and it is your bravery / strength etc you want to share with him. That sounds quite new and something you're rightly proud of.

He should definitely take an interest in that because it's so important to you. I think its critical to long term relationships that you grow and share that. Nothing sexier than seeing your partner achieve new challenges.

That said, i can see it's hard for him to really be engrossed if you were talking each week for hours about weightlifting heavier / climbing new heights / free-living deeper.

Perhaps this is more symbolic though, that he doesn't get you/ show love / respect you more broadly?

You haven't painted a particularly happy picture tbh. Do you like him?

It’s normal OP. I’m not interested in my DH’s hobbies. We do our separate things and have a very happy marriage.

It's not uncommon for partners to not take much interest in the others' hobbies but not to be rude about them!

I've met so many women on cruises who are with a friend because their husbands aren't interested in seeing the world (typically only golf courses!)

Same here - we have our own interests/hobbies/friends. Married 43 years

And me ... I'm very good at faking interest, dp thinks I'm actually interested in his obsessions

“I would expect a partner to show some enthusiasm. Not because they're interested in the hobby, but because they are interested in you as a person.”

this. My DH always asks about things I do, and I listen to his tales of work and his disc golf hobby. It’s just part of being in a loving relationship.

Do you do anything as a family? How much parenting does he do?

My husband and I are complete opposites - he's an adrenalin junkie and loves extreme sports. I have no interest in hearing about these sports and he has no interest in hearing about my progress in the garden. It's fine, actually I think it's really healthy to have separate interests.

I’m not particularly interested in dh’s hobbies but I know he is so I’m happy to listen to a bit of chat about them but not if that’s all he talks about, I’d get bored if that was the case.

Im happy to go along to his hobby now and then to show my support and if he was into outdoorsy stuff I’d definitely be up for that, you’d think it’d be a good way to spend time together?

Do you schedule in any dates or nights away? If not then it sounds like you’re stuck in a rut and need to arrange time together on a date..:just maybe do something non hobby related and don’t talk about your hobbies ALL night. If he’s not interested in spending time with you or initiating anything then I think the writing is on the wall!

I'm not interested in my partners hobby. He isn't interested in mine. Same with our jobs. But we are interested in each other, and so we listen to each other talk about our hobbies to some degree, just out of politeness, plus it's just nice hearing someone you care about be passionate about something they care about. So I wouldn't expect him to be asking for a blow by blow account of what happened, but I think its polite and what a normal loving person would do to:

• pause tv or game when you come in
• ask how your day has gone
• show an interest when you're clearly excited about an achievement (I find it really odd that you had a voicemail from a friend telling you what a great thing you achieved, and he didn't even ask what that related to...surely just basic human curiosity means if you hear someone say 'well done' you want to know what about
• puts down his phone when you're talking to him

Some of those things are basic manners. Although I will caveat that by saying that everyone has a point where they get bored of listening to someone drone on about the same subject and it's difficult to tell if you're repeating yourself or talking for more than a few minutes, in which case if you're in the middle of a 20 minute monologue I can see why he might glaze over.

You like different things and that's fine. You do need to tell him how you feel, that you don't feel like he pays attention when you talk to him, and be specific like I'd really like you to put down your phone and game to spend a few minutes catching up about our days properly after work. Is there any shared interests you could do, for example if you like the outdoors and he likes pubs, have a walk with a nice pub lunch.

Can you get your kids involved in less extreme forms of your hobby. So you do free bouldering up a mountain, but you take them to an indoor climbing centre with a harness etc. They may only be homebodies because they are used to it.

Lastly I'm sure there must be some people around you with similar interests that aren't just into drugs or whatever. Maybe try and join a hobby group, even if it isn't your first choice of activity locally to meet like minded people. Or set one up!

Do you meet any other parents through any home schooling groups?

DH and I both have hobbies each of us do that the other isn't the least bit interested in.
Unless there is some particularly exciting event or occasion, we don't tend to ask each other much about the details on a weekly basis. Maybe a "had a nice time?" type level.

However, I'd agree with this

I think there is a huge difference between not finding your partner's hobby particularly appealing or interesting and deliberately belittling it or making them feel bad for doing it. He's definitely doing the latter. I expect it's either because he thinks you should be at home making him centre of attention, or he is jealous of your independence, or he's just a person who likes running other people down.

It's great you've found something you love doing. It's great you are learning and achieving things. You are getting intrinsic feedback from that, which is great. I'd just talk with hobby friends about the details, and not worry too much.

However I think you need to make your husband understand how he makes you feel.

Does "old fashioned" mean he likes doing the bulk of parenting and domestic tasks? Do you think the preferring you at home instead of working is also how he feels about your hobbies?

Before I read your last update you reminded me of my sister and her (now ex) husband.

I think it's perfectly normal to want the person you share your life with to show a little bit of basic interest in something important to each other. When you've got together young and prioritised the role of wife and mum, and not had the experience of doing any hobby or having friends, it can be a very very big push out of your comfort zone, so I'll say a very big well done for that.

My sister used to say her husband was "traditional" but to my outside perspective, traditional meant expecting his wants to be prioritised and even thought they both worked full time, he expected her to be the default parent 24/7 and doing bulk of parenting and domestic tasks while he got to his hobbies for hours every single evening, gaming, tv and reading.

When she finally did make changes to her life after some big chats with him after 26 years together, if she had a rare night away or evening out he'd be off with her for hours on her return. When they split he said he didn't like her going out (and she had maybe three nights out a year) as he had to do more at home and could have his hobby every evening.

I have to say I’ve always had my own interests away from relationships and never expected a partner to be interested in hearing about what I’ve been doing other than a cursory ‘had a good time?’

That's not what's happening with the OP though. It sounds as though her husband is very deliberately trying to discourage her from doing her hobbies, by passive-aggressively having his eyes glued on his screen wheh she arrives back, and pointedly not engaging with her, and by mocking her hobbies with his mates in front of her. Some people seem to have missed this in the OP's posts.

I’m terrified I’ll have to stop going out, I’m just going to end up depressed again.

I'm really missing something obvious. I get that you have lovely hobbies, I get that your family are not terribly interested. Fair enough.

What I don't understand is why that would mean you would stop doing the hobbies that you love? What would you stop ?

Your hobbies sound really interesting. When I saw the thread title I thought you were UR because I couldn't hack hearing someone drone on about chess or something all day. But outdoor activities sound exciting, I don't see why he couldn't engage for the occasional 10 minutes about that, or come to see you spider climb sometimes!