Sexless marraige

[Galaxy7777]

Where do i start... I love my wife to bits. We are mid 30s. We have the perfect life. 2 kids, nice house,good jobs. Me and my wife are like bestfriends. That's where the issue starts.

Since our first child 5 years ago we are lucky to have sex once a quarter. I often try but regularly rejected. I tried backing off completely. Tried taking all pressure off other aspects of life to take some stress out of her life. Nothing changed. I offer massages in the hope it'll relax my DW. This is often responded with "what you after In return". I regularly try to discuss the lack of intimacy but quickly shut down as being a pest. I ask what I can change or do differently but I'm told there's nothing. She tells me there's noone else, she just doesnt have a sex drive anymore. At one point last year my wife finally opened up and explained that it wasn't me and she wanted to get her drive back and tried meds. Speaking to her doctor etc etc. 9 months on theres been no improvement sadly. for me its not just sex I miss. It's also the kissing, hugging. Just being close. I'm told she just doesn't like all that anymore.

I do have a high sex drive so I asked if she would help me now any again (instead of sex) but was told it makes her feel uncomfortable. we talked about masturbation and that I would need to help stem it that way. I'm then told recently, it makes her feel uncomfortable when I go downstairs at night to do it. Sometimes I watch porn but as sad as it sounds I often look at pictures of my wife. She's gorgeous so it's hard not to. I've now resorted to doing it in secret which feels ridiculous.

I'm at a complete loss and so torn. I love everything in my life apart from the lack of intimacy. I'm just not sure where to go next :( any advice would be amazingly appreciated!

Maybe your life isn’t as perfect as you think it is and there are problems further beyond what you’ve been told…

Leave. You’re far too young to be celibate and she’s made it clear that’s how it’s going to be.

Posters will probably be along and ask how much housework you do but it’s way past all that, just accept defeat, get a divorce and find a happy relationship when you’re ready.

Thank you for the response. I feel like just writing the post has helped. I do as much I can round the house. I do my fair share of the Ironing, washing, cooking, cleaning bathrooms etc etc.Do my fair share of school runs. Get up early with kids. Do lots on weekends as a family. I'm not suggesting I'm perfect but by no means a slacker

It sounds like you love your wife very much and I'm sorry you are in this position.

I can, however, relate to the way your wife feels; we have a 2.5yr old and another on the way. We struggled for years to conceive and so that eventually took the fun out of any kind of intimacy and now a toddler wedged between us in bed has just compounded the situation.
We too are best friends and that's the glue between us, but I do worry that the lack of sex will create irreparable damage sooner or later.
I can see how many couple may end up on a similar slippery slope.

Would arranging more childcare and having some evenings to yourself or may be a weekend away help in reconnecting?

I know you've said you've tried backing off but does that mean that if it's not sex then you also don't engage in any intimacy?

That's it. I do love my wife and no intention of just giving up and getting a divorce. Just not sure how to fix it. We also struggled to conceive so we have some common ground there! A weekend away would be nice.. Ill float the idea. I think our lives just revolve around the kids now, No time for the parents anymore. Appreciate we do need to try make time though.

Ive tried backing off completely but also tried backing off on sex but still tried to hug, kiss etc. so a mix of both really. She thinks that my end game is always just sex though which isn't actually the case. Just knowing she's remotely attracted still would be a nice start

Is book a weekend away to have an honest conversation about the lack of sex, because if her attitude is she just doesn't fancy it and you are even made to feel weird about masturbating she's putting you in a ridiculous position.

Have the honest conversation, where she states her position and you state your options: have sex with someone else but stay in the marriage (I do think that's how some marriages last as long as they do) or divorce.

Not helpful at all

Ah yes young kids and lack of sex remember it well.Bloke here🙂.I found massage helped.Who's not up for that eh! Nice way to get close to each other .

This might not be helpful I was the OW for someone who was in a sexless marriage. I do believe he was. He loved his wife but missed sex. It is such a difficult situation. He thought he had the solution. We were caught. The fall out was horrible for everyone. Please try and sort things out with your wife and if you can't leave if you aren't happy. Don't cheat

This is partly what I was hoping for. I'm hanging on to hope it's just where we are in a challenging part in our lives. Young's kids. Crazy lives etc. how did things work out for you? Did things improve as the kids got older?

Thank you. I serious conversation needed that's for sure

amp.theguardian.com/wellness/2024/jan/26/desire-myths-relationships

Very good article in the guardian about this today.

Why don't you both read it and then share thoughts.

Well it's all a bit vague but realistically it was never going to be like it was before kids.But like yourself we are good friends and i suppose i saw it as a bonus when it did take place.
For us the dramas with kids as they get older sort of puts it on the back burner.You've got everything else in the marriage for me I could never imagine being married to anyone else but saying that it has improved as we get older so there's that.
But if in your case if its not happening atall in the future I don't know realistically how the marriage could survive.

You want sex. That is, piv which results in an orgasm for you, OP.

Maybe she feels its all take and no give. You admit you offer a massage with the hopes it will lead to piv.

Again. This is for you, not for her.

Your wife likely needs intimacy and she likely needs to feel it's for her rather than meeting your needs. How many orgasms does she have? Is she level 10 turned on and aroused when you have sex, or just wet enough so that it doesn't hurt?

Did she experience birth trauma? Have you asked her to talk to you about how she feels about her body post baby?

Is she mentally exhausted?

Your goal is piv and for her, that might be a chore, it could be triggering.

Could there be a possibility that she feels unattractive or isn't comfortable in her own body. These things can happen after childbirth, and can last.
To you she might seem flawless but in her mind she might not see it that way.

This is a thing that happens (to some marriages). Sometimes there's an underlying reason, sometimes there's not. Sometimes it's something the higher libido partner has done or not done, sometimes it's clearly unrelated (see many threads where people reveal they have zero libido for no particular reason).

Sometimes people project their own resentments onto threads like these, so you'll see a lot of motivated reasoning, or inferring of things that may or may not be true (i.e. it's somehow your fault).

There's literally nothing for it but for communicating your feelings fairly openly, asking for the same in return. Peaks and troughs are normal. But beware the total lack of interest that's dressed up as a phase, because they know the truth is destructive for the marriage. That also happens - again, see zero-libido threads. Not saying that's the case here, could well be transitory, who knows.

100% this ^^ you could spend months/ years agonising over this.

you are too young to be celibate and plenty young enough to find a happy relationship.
get a divorce, co-parent your kids and focus on your future

No the OP says it's not all about the sex. It's about the hugging and kissing. I think you are putting your slant on things.

I know how you feel. However my experience has been more like 10 years. I’ve tried everything. My kids are older now (secondary school).

We have only been intimate 5 times in the last 3 years and only once in the last two.

I don’t have much advice other than how I cope, which is to accept it as normal. Otherwise I would cheat or leave (and with either of those I will be seen as the bad guy especially by my kids). I’d lose my home, my kids (on a daily basis), my dog and basically my life!

So I’ve simply given up on s3x and have accepted a life of celibacy! Sad isn’t it!

Hi OP, my DH and I were in this pattern when we were a similar age and at a similar stage in life. I was exhausted with 2 very small children and, to be honest, just had no want for sex. DH didn't hassle me but he obviously did want it! It caused a wedge between us, not because we argued, we just weren't close like a married couple. I'd come to the point where I'd accepted we were just friends, the thought of anything else just exhausted me, quite frankly.

Fast forward 10-15 years, children are teens and we have more sex than we have ever had in our whole relationship. I do think sex is one of those things.. the more you have, the more you want. The flip side of this is that the less you have, the less you can be bothered! (For me at least)

One thing that happened during that time (along with the obvious-kids getting more self-sufficient) was he had a vasectomy so I came off the pill. Looking back, I do think it was that which was killing my sex drive. We went from once a month (because I felt I should) to 5 or 6 times a week, and feel our marriage is stronger than ever.

I'm not sure how relevant this all is to you. It may be that your wife will actually never want sex again, with you or anyone, but I just wanted you to know that it's not a foregone conclusion that your marriage can't return to what it once was, or be even better.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.

Massages won't necessarily help in the direction you want. Men seem to think massage translates into arousal, but for most women I'd say that massages are very soporific. It's relaxing and pleasurable, euphoric even when done the right way, but there's a reason why so many people can fall asleep during them.

I find it incredibly sad when this happens and the other person is at loss. Has your wife ever been enthusiastic about sex? That doesn't mean having the same drive as you, but things like flirting, sexual touching, things like that?

GPs seem to be shit with this kind of thing. She could ask for a hormone blood test but they're only good at showing what's normal for the general population, not what's normal for an individual woman.

Hormonal contraception is a sex drive killer for a lot of women. The pill, if taken for long enough, can even sexually numb you and take away orgasms - basically it's the beginnings of vulval atrophy. NO doctor tell women that before they put them on it. It also raises SHBG and gives women a lower hormone profile than what's natural to them, including lowering testosterone. She could ask to go on testosterone gel, but might need a gynaecologist to prescribe it. It's also not magic cure - I'm on it and it makes no difference to my desire.

Mind you, there is a reasonable school of thought that would say there is nothing wrong with her. Her body & mind have simply shut down with regards to procreation because she already has two, and she is settling into the next phase of her life which means leaving her sexuality behind in her more youthful, pre-pregnancy days. It's very early to do that but everyone's different.

Sure is.
The questions 🤣

Thank you for all the responses. As selfish as it sounds, Its comforting to know I'm not the only one!

Our sex life was was great up until pregnancy of our first child 5 years ago. It's never really come back. To me it feels like the motivation is now the kids which I also love of course. I just think we need it for us too as well. We do get times where we are home alone so it's not like the opportunity doesn't arise. There's just a lack of interest/ arousal I suppose. It's just hard where we are so out of balance.

We have tried talking about it. I often ask what can I change. Maybe there's something I'm doing wrong. I'm not blaming my wife at all for any of this. Like I said before, she said 9 months ago she wanted things to get better. When I've tried to talk about it since though she just shuts off.

Appreciate there's no crystal ball for any of this. It seems like for some it's worked out and others it hasn't. I want it to work out of course but at the same time not sure Im keen to commit to celibacy just yet.

If I'm honest I came on here for a bit of advice and also hope from others that things have worked for them who went through something similar. @Sweetpotatofalafels experience is what I'm hoping for one day :) its probably the first time I've ever considered a vasectomy!

Thanks again all