Sexless marraige

[Galaxy7777]

Where do i start... I love my wife to bits. We are mid 30s. We have the perfect life. 2 kids, nice house,good jobs. Me and my wife are like bestfriends. That's where the issue starts.

Since our first child 5 years ago we are lucky to have sex once a quarter. I often try but regularly rejected. I tried backing off completely. Tried taking all pressure off other aspects of life to take some stress out of her life. Nothing changed. I offer massages in the hope it'll relax my DW. This is often responded with "what you after In return". I regularly try to discuss the lack of intimacy but quickly shut down as being a pest. I ask what I can change or do differently but I'm told there's nothing. She tells me there's noone else, she just doesnt have a sex drive anymore. At one point last year my wife finally opened up and explained that it wasn't me and she wanted to get her drive back and tried meds. Speaking to her doctor etc etc. 9 months on theres been no improvement sadly. for me its not just sex I miss. It's also the kissing, hugging. Just being close. I'm told she just doesn't like all that anymore.

I do have a high sex drive so I asked if she would help me now any again (instead of sex) but was told it makes her feel uncomfortable. we talked about masturbation and that I would need to help stem it that way. I'm then told recently, it makes her feel uncomfortable when I go downstairs at night to do it. Sometimes I watch porn but as sad as it sounds I often look at pictures of my wife. She's gorgeous so it's hard not to. I've now resorted to doing it in secret which feels ridiculous.

I'm at a complete loss and so torn. I love everything in my life apart from the lack of intimacy. I'm just not sure where to go next :( any advice would be amazingly appreciated!

@Galaxy7777

Letting her come to me has improved it 'slightly'. Truth be told, I can't tell whether it's because she's more relaxed now that there's no pressure; because she missed the attention (thrill of the chase); or because I've tried in other areas (more housework etc)...

I think in your case it sounds very much just a stress of life sort if thing. Many women (based off MN) appear to lose interest after kids. I think it's all about making their life as easy as we can so they can relax into sex. They're not like us, their minds are buzzing constantly, and with kids, that goes into overdrive (observation, not generalisation!). You try being in the mood when you have a million things on your mind...

She’s knackered my friend !

unfortunate as it may be, she probably settled with you and saw you as a safe bet. Lots of women do it. A lot of my friends did.

I doubt it will change.

@Galaxy7777

My DH and I have very busy lives and two older kids early teens. In the week due to our work, training and kids, we may only have 30 mins or so awake in the house together at the same time. In the week I go to bed later than him as he gets up very early.

We have sex on Fridays and Saturdays every week unless one of us is ill or really too tired.

I think the idea of a "fixed" sex drive is nonsense. Often on a Friday we are shattered and could both leave it. And sometimes after a week of not having much time together we can feel distant. But if you wait for the perfect alignment of feelings and opportunities you will wait forever.... whether or not you want sex is not fixed in stone and can change quickly. I realise this does not sit easily with the concept of consent which is also important - but this is a complex area. No one should have sex they really don't want. In the other hand, if you want to keep a plant alive, you need to tend to it and water it.

So we always give it a go and almost always it is good.

Start off by just taking off your clothes and stroking etc. and although sex was the last thing on your mind 10 mins ago - maybe it starts to come into your mind.

I think the message of that article is great. It's hard when one person has a raging desire and the other none.

If you can both put both the raging desire and the total lack of desire to one side and instead focus on the here and now - this stroking feels warm and lovely - it can help.

The bottom line for me is that if we have sex regularly we are both happier more connected and better able to manage the challenges of life.

So it's worth investing in it.

Read the dead bedroom sub on reddit.

We have children of a very similar age, for me there is a real fear of conceiving another child (we have two children under 4) and i refuse to take the pill as it completely kills my sex drive, this is definitely a barrier for me when we even think about getting intimate. Also, as others have said, for a long time I felt so awful about my body post childbirth. I didn't want to be touched anywhere near my new saggy tummy and breastfeeding destroyed my boobs, sex really hurt as I was so self conscious and I honestly felt horrendous. Suddenly, the 'sexy' parts of myself were just a vehicle for childbirth or feeding etc. The thought of anyone touching me made my skin crawl! It really had nothing to do with how attractive I found my DH. Lucky for him I managed to gain my self esteem back and worked on myself physically and mentally and we are back having sex once ish a week (after 2 years of barely any). There's another thing which is hard to explain, but I felt and feel still so physically NEEDED by my kids that I often feel like I want to hide away from any more touching. From anyone. I used to crave sitting on my own in front of the tv or in a bath, in peace with no one around. Evenings are so short when you have little ones with the fear of disrupted bedtimes, it's kind of 'every man for himself' in terms of priorities. Anyway, I don't have any answers, but maybe this is helpful just to give some idea of how she feels but very hard as I can see how she would take any advances for sex when feeling like I did before.

The only difference being. I encouraged him to masturbate without me, sounds bizarre probably but we are very open and I would just say 'you're horny, ok, love you, go and sort yourself out, sorry I'm totally not in the mood' and I literally took no offence. Does she have a vibrator?

You say she was all good sex worse until pregnancy and really that’s the big clue. She was having sex because of hormones and wanting to have children. Now she has a child, she won’t feel that urge again unless she gets broody for another. This is natural. I would actually say it is less common for someone to be still highly into sex for its own sake, it’s really a hormonal thing driven by the urge to reproduce

Maybe for some women but Ive always had a high libido and I'm in my 50s now. Definitely a lower libido the year after each child but that's as much exhaustion as anything else. Other than then I have always enjoyed sex

I'd normally agree in situations with a 5 and 2 year old, but OP said his wife told.him she didn't like sex with previous partners and did it to keep them happy. That's a honking red flag that sex is not important to her. Maybe when kids are older she will attempt to reconnect, but not to be blunt I'm not seeing any evidence from the OPs posts that his partner is selfless enough to want to do this

I was the same with my husband. For years. We also struggled to conceive our second child and ended up with IUI. I just couldn't go near him after that but it became obvious that my attraction towards him had waned. I stayed but became increasingly lonely. I accepted it for the way it was until I hit menopause and my hormones went crazy. Ended up in a long affair (the man is still in my life to this day) - I'd ended my marriage btw - and very aware that I'd spent my years with someone who I just wasn't attracted to (but we were like friends).

It has done an awful lot of damage to me.

In your shoes, you need to move on. Things won't change.

You need a break like others have said, a few nights away.

But say to her, please relax and enjoy this isn't about sex, I won't be trying it on.

My DH was a sex pest, he'd book nights and I'd almost say no thanks as I knew just knew it was his way of trying for sex.

Took me ages to trust him again, he used to massage and get oils and try it on, literally anytime we touched he'd be straight to trying fur sex.

So I told him straight he'd killed it for me, I didn't trust him and didn't relax around him, that pressure is awful, so needs talking off the table.

I think try dating again with sex firmly off the table (and tell her that!). I found, when DD was small, that my H at the time would go first to sex the moment we had some child free time. My brain (and body) just wasn’t there. I felt like I needed (in priority order)

• time to just exist in silence without the kid
• to catch up on all the chores I couldn’t do with a kid around
• to do fun things I couldn’t do without a kid (which include a date with H)
• to be intimate with H

I rarely managed the first one and never got to number 4 before the kid came back. Eventually we divorced (not specifically over sex) and DD is now 12 and away EOW and I finally feel I have time for a libido. Not sure that helps you but it wasn’t that I didn’t fancy my H, just that my life felt too crazy to have the headspace needed for sex.

This. Sex is not simply the physical release, it is the point of maximum closeness and commitment to your DP. I always feel better in myself and closer to my DW after sex.

Of course everyone's needs are different, the key is to ensure your DP's needs are met in mutually agreeable ways, which, like anything else in a relationship, involves an element of compromise on both sides.

Where you going to go next?If you're up for playing the long game like me there are numerous ways to change it up.You've got everything else , don't give up just yet......

I agree with this, sorry.

@Blueirishrock What's the thread called? I've had a skim but can't find what you are referring to

Ours picked up since my hubby had a vasectomy. I had no idea how much the pill was messing about with my libido. It also feels so free now. It's great!

I want to at least try the long game... What would you to change things up? From all of the advice it's taking sex off the table initially to try and reconnect without it. Try and do more on our own. Date nights etc. then just hope things naturally improve as we get more time together with kids growing up & being more self sufficient.

Appreciate all the responses from everyone but I'm not quite at the point where I'm just going file for divorce/ move on

You aren't the first to suggest this! Definitely an option I'm considering. Thanks

Well you've got loads of good advice which I didn't have , i'm 55 and I'm not prepared to open up about my marriage which is very different to yours on an open forum , we're different people anyway and I've got four kids🙂.I disagree about the date nights it's to obvious.Just be patient your kids are very young and time consuming because it'll hit the fan throughout your marriage and you'll need to work as a team for your kids.Hopefully you'll find a way to improve things but in my eyes you've got a good life anyway considering all things. You haven't given enough detail which is understandable on an open forum and you could be a troll like on the other thread , but I don't think that .

Hope you have alot of luck like me and get massaging those tired feet and tell her let's forget about the sex I just want to be close to you.

@Puppytrashedmysofa appreciate you responding and for all the advice. Pleased to hear things have worked out for you. Like I said before, I came on here looking for advice and also to hear about positive experiences that others have been through. I feel like I've got that from a lot of people thank you.

I don't understand the troll comment mind. Seems a bit odd to me to waste time on here trolling.. Each to their own i suppose!

This is incredibly sad and I feel for you. I had a sexless first marriage and it creates a lot of anger and rejection. Fine if you both want that but very difficult if one of you craves intimacy. I’d be deeply upset if my dh told me he no longer wanted sex-I love the connection and intimacy even if I don’t feel like it all the time. You’re not dirty or a pervert for craving her. Please don’t be fobbed off with being told you’re unreasonable. But neither is your wife. If she really can’t face sex, it would be horrible for both of you. Going forward, you both need to decide if a sexless marriage is something you can live with. It would be cruel to both of you to impose something like that unilaterally. Could you go for counselling to help you decide what you want to do. Sadly, it may come to separation.