Sexless marraige

[Galaxy7777]

Where do i start... I love my wife to bits. We are mid 30s. We have the perfect life. 2 kids, nice house,good jobs. Me and my wife are like bestfriends. That's where the issue starts.

Since our first child 5 years ago we are lucky to have sex once a quarter. I often try but regularly rejected. I tried backing off completely. Tried taking all pressure off other aspects of life to take some stress out of her life. Nothing changed. I offer massages in the hope it'll relax my DW. This is often responded with "what you after In return". I regularly try to discuss the lack of intimacy but quickly shut down as being a pest. I ask what I can change or do differently but I'm told there's nothing. She tells me there's noone else, she just doesnt have a sex drive anymore. At one point last year my wife finally opened up and explained that it wasn't me and she wanted to get her drive back and tried meds. Speaking to her doctor etc etc. 9 months on theres been no improvement sadly. for me its not just sex I miss. It's also the kissing, hugging. Just being close. I'm told she just doesn't like all that anymore.

I do have a high sex drive so I asked if she would help me now any again (instead of sex) but was told it makes her feel uncomfortable. we talked about masturbation and that I would need to help stem it that way. I'm then told recently, it makes her feel uncomfortable when I go downstairs at night to do it. Sometimes I watch porn but as sad as it sounds I often look at pictures of my wife. She's gorgeous so it's hard not to. I've now resorted to doing it in secret which feels ridiculous.

I'm at a complete loss and so torn. I love everything in my life apart from the lack of intimacy. I'm just not sure where to go next :( any advice would be amazingly appreciated!

You or someone else up thread asked about scheduling a time.
My husband and I do this, we don't have children together but we do both have teenagers about and so a weekend morning it's always on unless one of us is unwell. Sometimes I don't want to but because it's that day I do and it always makes me feel better and close to him.
We try and have an early night once a week too and don't always manage around work and life but we do try.

I think your wife is being very unfair, even without sex, intimacy and closeness is so important. I wander if she'll go with a set time and day once a week/month as a start. If she's not prepared to compromise or try it would be end of the relationship for me

Scheduling can work but it’s certainly a last resort. You schedule work or a dentist appointment, not feeling sexy and consensual.

When our DC were young we made a deal that we should try not to go more than a week without. A bit less forced than putting it in the calendar but it created the expectation that we would not refuse if one of us initiated when the week had gone by. This worked very well, it still underpins our sex life now even though our DC have grown up and left home.

What a depressing view.

And not remotely recognisable in my world, and my kids are 3 and a few months.

Hang on. This thread is old. Why did it appear in trending?

I am also in a sexless marriage but it’s my choice. Since becoming parents, I do nothing for myself; I am not allowed. Life carried on as normal for my husband. He gets himself ready every morning like he’s the only one in the house. I am lucky if I can get in the shower three evenings a week. I do everything, which a) doesn’t put me in the mood for anything but sleep, and b) makes me unattracted to such a thoughtless man.

Sex is not important to me, though. It never has been. I have told him I don’t care if he seeks it elsewhere. I am sick of sneaking around to get dressed and showered because of him constantly trying it on with me. I have told him I am not attracted to him. He won’t divorce me because he doesn’t want to lose half of ‘his’ assets. I can’t afford to leave until I have more earning potential.

Part of the problem is that you are not giving her a massage for HER benefit. You are doing it in the hope you get sex. She knows this!

I can understand to a certain extent not being up for sex with having 2 young kids but not wanting to cuddle or kiss. That's just odd to me. Who is too tired to cuddle? And giving side cheek when he tries to kiss her. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like she's no longer attracted to you OP and does just see you as a best friend.

Me and my DH bother work full time and have a young child. We still manage sex a few times as week and even on nights where we can't be bothered we'll have a cuddle. There's also affection and intimacy throughout the day. We always kiss each other goodbye if one of us is going out.

Your DW seems to have cut off all affection and any kind of touch so this isn't just about her sex drive.

Have you tried a couple therapist?

And to carry a bigger load of household chores? Could work.

To her, she's never had much interest by the sound of it, so to her, it's not important. But to you and others, it's understandably vital, she might not get that though. But you probably feel unloved and its not impossible her feelings for you have changed. I'd sit her down and ask her where her head is at. "Would she be upset if you split up and co-paret separately, does she actuallylove you anymore?" Just the question might make her pay more heed to the ramifications.
In her mind she might be thinking that she can blindly continue for years like this within marriage, but she could do with being made to understand that she does risk that that won't happen.
Your a bit vague on the point of her having tried meds, what meds? Antidepressants cause the libido to crash, so if she went on them for PPD, it could be that? It sounds deeply psychological if she can't even bear knowledge of you masturbating. That is being far out unreasonable and makes me think her whole attitude to sex and sexualiry is fundementally wrong. What was her childhood like? How are her parents around intimacy? Has she suffered any abuse that you know of?
Counselling is more likely to help than meds, but if she refuses that, then she is refusing to address it, so it would be reasonable to tell her your marriage is in jeopardy.

It's never her fault is it. It's always the man's fault according to some people in mn.

Sometimes it is as simple as she has low libido. She has no interest in sex. This is a thing. It happens with some men also. It's not always due to trauma or abuse or a crap partner.

Unless people can be honest about the situation nothing can be resolved.

Yeah. Your situation is different. You just have a crap marriage. Why wait? Start boosting your earning now. The settlement will consider current earning along with future earning potential. You'd both be happier apart

@Galaxy7777 How did you get on with this?

Pay for couples sex therapy through relate.