Sexless marraige

[Galaxy7777]

Where do i start... I love my wife to bits. We are mid 30s. We have the perfect life. 2 kids, nice house,good jobs. Me and my wife are like bestfriends. That's where the issue starts.

Since our first child 5 years ago we are lucky to have sex once a quarter. I often try but regularly rejected. I tried backing off completely. Tried taking all pressure off other aspects of life to take some stress out of her life. Nothing changed. I offer massages in the hope it'll relax my DW. This is often responded with "what you after In return". I regularly try to discuss the lack of intimacy but quickly shut down as being a pest. I ask what I can change or do differently but I'm told there's nothing. She tells me there's noone else, she just doesnt have a sex drive anymore. At one point last year my wife finally opened up and explained that it wasn't me and she wanted to get her drive back and tried meds. Speaking to her doctor etc etc. 9 months on theres been no improvement sadly. for me its not just sex I miss. It's also the kissing, hugging. Just being close. I'm told she just doesn't like all that anymore.

I do have a high sex drive so I asked if she would help me now any again (instead of sex) but was told it makes her feel uncomfortable. we talked about masturbation and that I would need to help stem it that way. I'm then told recently, it makes her feel uncomfortable when I go downstairs at night to do it. Sometimes I watch porn but as sad as it sounds I often look at pictures of my wife. She's gorgeous so it's hard not to. I've now resorted to doing it in secret which feels ridiculous.

I'm at a complete loss and so torn. I love everything in my life apart from the lack of intimacy. I'm just not sure where to go next :( any advice would be amazingly appreciated!

Do you ever go away just the two of you? I think it’s something every couple should do. Two nights. No pressure, just reconnect. Go for walk, nice food, do silly things. It worked wonders for us when we were lost in parents of young children mode.

I just think that her not showing you any love or affection be it a kiss or a cuddle is a bit off . I get that you are like best friends ( I’m the same with my long term partner ) however when you are in a marriage friendship is a good foundation but both partners needs should try to be met. Others on her have given some good insights that theyr might be issues with her own confidence / energy but I would not settle for a sexless marriage. It’s either that she feels very secure you will settle for no physical contact or she’s oblivious to the issue or has just given up. I’m really sorry I hope what I’ve said doesn’t cause upset 😢

We don't get away sadly but feel like we need to, one thing I've taken from here. Like you say would need to be pressure off as wouldn't want her to think that I'm just expecting a rampant weekend in bed (which wouldn't be the case. Not expecting an overnight cure). Just would be nice to reconnect on our own again. Even if just for a short weekend

No offence taken at all. It's just nice to talk about all this. I've basically kept it all this between me and my partner who barely wants to discuss it at the moment. Feeling much better not bottling it all up.

Yeah that's what I really struggle with sometimes. I would go to kiss goodbye and at times just get a side cheek. I just put it down to stressful mornings etc. when I raise the lack of affection she says she just doesn't like it as much anymore. I don't think there's anyone else. I just think it's crazy lives. The difficulty is I see intimacy as crucial to a relationship and she doesn't (and hasn't for the last few years). I think she sees me as some weirdo who thinks about sex too much where for me being intimate is rather normal. It makes you feel great and makes you feel so close as a couple. No intimacy just drives you to being house mates who co parent

How old are your kids? What does she do for work? Maybe shes still post partum or stressful job?

It's very simple. Sex was used as a bargaining tool in the beginning to get you to commit and provide security. Unbeknownst to you. She's never liked sex per sé and this is a common position. Now she has everything she wants, there is no incentive for sex for her. She is being honest (finally). There is nothing you can do to get her to want sex. She doesn't want it and as she has full leverage through kids and marriage, has no reason to ever sleep with you again.

You don't have the upper hand anymore. You either accept the sexless marriage and you making 99% of the contribution to the relationship. Or cut your considerable losses and leave. You will have no issue meeting another woman anyway.

OP intimacy is completely normal! And yes it makes you feel good and also helps heal if there’s been any tension in the day!

You will have no issue meeting another woman anyway.

A but if topic but how do you know he will easily find another woman? Even if he’s as decent bloke as he sounds on here, he may not find someone he wants to be with very easily.

He’s clearly in love with his wife and not everyone falls in love /makes a deep romantic connection easily.

Add to that the fact some women don’t want men with kids.

Yes everyone can meet someone but It’s really not as easy as you may think for everyone to waltz out of marriages and find a new (decent) partner.

Anyway OP, this isn’t an easy situation but I think your wife if she loves you has to be open to having a mature and open conversation about this and how it’s impacting both of you.

I also find it odd how she doesn’t even want to show affecting like hugging etc. perhaps you could both benefit from some kind of counselling. She doesn’t seem to have much regard for your feelings?

5 & 2. She works part time but senior so can be challenging. Work for us is the easier side of the coin though. Im not putting down my kids at all as of course we love them to bits but they are the energy sapping part of our lives I think. By far the most rewarding but also the most tiring :)

I get it though. We are all tired. Stressed etc etc. we should make time for us too imo. The article someone posted early was a brilliant insight. Maybe schedulling alone time is needed rather than just hoping for it to happen one day...anyone else have any experience with scheduling in time? Does it kill the passion or does it actually work positively? I mean my wife may say no still but worth giving anything a shot at this point

Part of this has crossed my mind. She mentioned she didn't particularly enjoy sex with previous partners but did it to keep them happy. But with me it was different apparently. We ended up getting married and having kids then here we are. I want things to work out of course. Serious conversation required though to see where her head/heart is at

No idea, but I resonate. My partner has ED. I'm a 40yr old woman, and have had sex maybe a maximum of 4 times over the last 11yrs. He absolutely adores me, and even tonight I suggested I could perhaps, yknow...but he'd leave if I was intimate with anyone else. Other than this we have a great life. But I miss the intamacy so much. Not that it matters, but I'm bloody pretty 🤣 My looks always get complimented on, but I don't have the life other people might assume I do. I'm the Vicar of Dibley behind closed doors.

There is an excellent self help book, ‘Come as you are’ by Emily Nagosi. It helped my marriage massively after chronic illness.

I'd take sex off the table totally. Agree not to have sex at all for x months. Then arrange date nights, book a weekend away, see if she is more receptive to kisses/touch/massage. Don't mention anything sexual in the agreed time. If you can't rekindle intimacy then I think you need to consider ending the relationship. Your only in your 30s. Unfortunately, love isn't always enough to make a relationship work.

That sounds almost like incel or MRA type talk.

Whilst some women may do this, I'd say the most common cause is a simply a biological shift. For some women, pregnancy is such a life changing experience that they just don't want to be sexual anymore. A rise in prolactin can dampen sex drive, as well as tiredness and low mood.

OP, I find your comment about her offering her cheek concerning. There's a difference between not being aroused, to actively feeling turned-off by someone, and she sounds like she's gone to the stage of feeling actively turned off :( Some women will attest to hormones doing this during pregnancy (there's good reasons for that), but I don't remember seeing women being affected years after.

I really feel for you. 4 times in a 11 years must feel like a jail sentence at times. But at the same time fully understand staying in the relationship. Must feel like a constant battle

This actually sounds like an amazing idea thank you. Yeah may be difficult initially but worth a shot if it means we can rekindle something. I often get the impression she holds back with affection because she doesn't want to give me the wrong signals or get my hopes up. I reckon she thinks I only kiss or try hug her because I want it to lead to something which isn't always the case. Especially more so over the last couple of years where I stop myself from trying it on in fear of constant rejection. The suggestion above could actually make her feel safer with that. Would remove the pressure/ those concerns and allow her to open up again (maybe). Thank you

Your kids are 5 and 2!!! I can guarantee that other parents of kids that age aren’t getting either. We’re all fucking exhausted, my kids are older but my husband still says if he gets a choice between sex and sleep it’s a tough decision. He works night shift and I love going to sleep alone. No one touching me is better than two weeks in the Bahamas.

The whole of life is foreplay. This includes laundry, childcare, mowing the lawn. Make sure you have open, honest and frequent dialogue about chores, so you are both happy with division of labour. If there's resentment and exhaustion, there's no sex!!

Awwww 😭

I'm a guy and could pretty much have written what you did verbatim.

Possible thyroid or other imbalance issues? This MASSIVELY affects libido from what I've read and encountered.

Upbringing. My wife is 'foreign' without being too outing, and was raised in a very reserved culture where sex was very taboo...

Due to hormone imbalances, I could literally time (to the day!) when my wife was most receptive. EXACTLY two days before her period was the only day it has ever happened. lol, in fact she used it as a way of knowing when she was due! Sounds weird, but worth keeping a calendar? It also means you're not trying your luck the rest of the time and pestering her.

She might also need her ducks in a row... even the tiniest thing on her to-do list means she's concentrating on that, and nowhere near the mood!

Massages, hugs and kisses are often met with "but I know you want more", so they're often combined with anxiety... maybe let her come to you at night? It's a fine line... if you hug her, she'll always think you're trying your luck, but if you pull back, she'll think you no longer love her (I've lived this one!). I simply told her after time that sex will not be initiated by me anymore. A kiss is a kiss, spooning (hand on breast) is simply a comfortable position... no intent. Rejection hurts. Trying is pressure, and pressure begets anxiety. Remove ALL, even suggestion of sex and maybe she'll come to you.

It might also be worth (if you do), not even hinting at wanting oral. You may love it, but if she's not into sex, then doing something like that will make her anxious about it even more. Most women aren't thrilled with oral (it seems), so remove that less appealing act, and maybe the rest will be more appealing to her.

I get it... with no intimacy, hugs or kisses, you wonder whether it's more than friendship. It is... I think they love us, it's just an apathy towards sex.

It's REALLY hard for people who want and enjoy sex to comprehend that some people just don't.

There are many, many people who just don't enjoy sex, see it as a chore, a revulsion, a societal expectation that you must partake in or you are a freak etc. it just is who people are (sometimes, not always. Sometimes there are other temporary reasons of course). People will say she needs to change, she needs to do this or that and sex is amazing blah blah - but it just isn't for many people.

You sound like you've been torturing yourself and your relationship over this for years. It will be seeping into every fabric. I think you need to stick or twist. Accept her for who she is or move on and get what you want elsewhere.

Thank you. Really appreciate all your advice and openess about your relationship. How did "letting your wife come to you" work out? Did it help at all? Arh oral was off the table for me about 10 years ago sadly 😂. Appreciate all the advice

@IsAnybodyListening thats rough! You are so young .. Is he not willing to take meds .. could be a real game changer for both of you! You sound soo patient too

unlikely to change

1. wait and see as the children grow up, there will be more time for yourselves. go for couples counselling

or

2. End this sooner rather than later

My last proper relationship (10 years long) ultimately failed due to lack of sex. I wanted it, he gradually withdrew from wanting it. Opposite to you. He was uncomfortable with intimacy. But what I remember most from the end stages of the relationship isn't the lack of sex, it was that I really really wanted to talk like we used to when we first met. I'd try to get him to go out to a bar or restaurant because at home all he'd do was watch TV, zero conversation.

So, all I'm saying is that maybe it'd help if you and your wife had some time together alone, and really talked and connected. Not as a prelude to sex, just connecting.