Husband doesn't want me to let my hair go grey when I'm older

[Orestesa]

I am in my 30s. I was commenting to my husband about some aunts, in their late 60s and early 70s, who have gone fully grey. I think their grey hair looks great on them and they look really stylish. They wear colourful clothes that go well with grey.

I told my husband this, and said 'i hope I look like that when I'm older'.

Then he said he doesn't want me to go grey in my 70s and thinks i should dye it. I said he can't stop me. Then he said if I went fully grey, he wouldn't be happy about it.

How many husbands would object to their wife going grey in her 70s?

Having an opinion on hair colour in 40 years time is weird. If you get there, are still a couple, and both relatively healthy then hair colour won't be important.

He shouldn’t have spoken out like that, but I’m thinking it freaked him out. Talk of aging can do that. He should know better than to say anything. You don’t sound like you will permit him to control you.

Re aging/grey hair - my Mum and maternal grandmother went grey very slowly. My mum was still more pepper than salt at 80. Neither coloured their hair. I went grey underneath, by my ears in my late 40s. I’m just over 60 and still no grey to speak of anywhere else. So I have a few highlights and colour the other bits. I only have this colour done twice a year. Last year only once. The main reason I colour it is that the patchy look of white grey by the ears doesn’t really work like a more uniform greying would.

It seems to suggest some sexist attitudes.

Many people have a lot of grey from 30s or 40s: is he assuming you’ll choose to dye yours regularly for many decades?

it’s not comparable to women asking men not to grow a ponytail or beard: the regular time and cost to maintain hair dye are so much higher.

We are both in our sixties. My almost bald husband (who has been grey since his twenties) surprised me during Covid when my short hair grew so that the grey showed and he was desperate for me to have blonde highlights again. I'd have been happy to stay with the grey/white, like you, @Orestesa, I like it and think it looks quite distinguished. I think it does depend on what colour grey it goes, mine is more white than steel grey. I knew someone in her forties who had badly trimmed steel-grey hair that she always wore just hanging down with a straight parting in the middle, and it just made her look quite dismal.
I was about to question why you'd put this in "relationships" rather than "chat" but then saw your next post about trainers at the airport and understand this must be about more than just grey hair.

I'm not sure why people are jumping on this. Everyone has their preferences. Men are as entitled to say they don't fancy grey hair, as womens are to say they don't fancy a beer belly. Stuff sags, loses firmness, goes grey, or falls out when you're older. If you don't like it, no problem telling your OH.

Tell him that you won't be happy if he goes grey/bald or looses his teeth or gets a middle aged spread in his 70's

Jeez, some of the responses on here...tremendously angry because the husband has expressed an opinion on something that might be 20 years away. He's allowed to have an opinion. Might have been wiser on his part not to express that opinion, but it's not worth getting all worked up about.

I started dyeing my hair in my mid 40s because it was going grey. A few years later I decided that the dye was too bright and I would prefer a more natural look so I stopped using dyes and started using cassia powder, or white henna. This turns the grey a pale, golden blonde, which goes very well with what's remaining of my natural colour.

I asked my DP what he thought of this and he said it was none of his business and looked great either way. Mind you, he also said he hadn't noticed I'd switched from dyes to cassia powder and probably wouldn't notice unless I dyed it blue. Which would also be my business, not his.

Every so often DH makes a comment about how he prefers my hair longer.
I'm aware that's his preference but it doesn't make any difference to my decision to keep it shorter now than I used to. It doesn't matter, it's up to me.

It's been more than 20 years, stuff is going to change. We're both going to adapt as we go along. He's not going to leave because of a hair cut, and if he did I'd be better off without him anyway.

If when you're 70 his biggest concern is your grey hair you should both be very thankful.

Tell him he's an idiot

Effing cheek. Does this mean he intends to dye his hair? Oh, God ….. 😱

My dh wouldn’t have a say on my hair colour.

More importantly, your role is not to keep him happy by doing whatever he thinks is right. (Whether it’s your hair colour or your trainers).
This also would have been my answer to him I’m afraid

Oh dear. So there's more too this as well OP? :/

I understand that some people don't like grey hair. I also have nothing against people liking smart clothes because they themselves dress smartly most of the time, so they're just looking for someone who has a similar style. However, in your shoes I'd be concerned that this is a wider sign that he won't be attracted to you when you start to age.

It's a worst-case-scenario, but I hope you won't be one of those women in their 40s that can't understand why their husbands have started to be mean to them, making snide comments, rolling their eyes, ignoring them.

Sometimes the reason for that is that the entitled man has contempt that his wife has had the audacity to age, to develop wrinkles and not look like she's in her mid-20s anymore. He knows that this is an unacceptable thing to say, so he'll vent his anger out on her by being nasty or just emotionally abandoning her. There might be a few comments about 'not taking care of' herself enough (even though she look smart, fit and pretty to everyone else). Sometimes you see this after a woman has had a baby, and it makes them feel worse than they already sometimes do about their recovering body.

You see, this type of man deserves THE BEST. It doesn't matter about his overweight or sagging body, or balding head....because he's a man and as such deserves a beautiful, smartly / sexily dressed gem on his arm, ready to show off to everyone, to broadcast or prove his status in life.

Be careful of that. It's not always easy to spot when you're younger.

I understand your view point. The reason why so many women react like this is because these things can be an early sign of trouble later on. There are women who have spend decades with a man who didn't appreciate them, or abused them, and when they look back, it's these early comments that they wished they would have listened to.....especially in cases where the man ends up leaving his wife in her 50s for a woman half her age.

It's difficult because not everything thing we don't like is some kind of sign of a massive issue down the road, but I don't think it hurts taking into account how often these are happening, especially when there are other issues in the relationship as well. There are men who just lose their attraction to their wives after they have a baby as well, because not all women are blessed to bounce back to the figure they had pre-pregnancy, and that's a situation most women would like to avoid.

So fucking glad to be single by choice.

I’m growing mine out from dark brown and it’s at a fairly unattractive point but there’s not a lot you can do. I’m quite certain if I was still married to XH he’d have something to say about it, worse still I would have minded.

😂👍

yes it’s years ago. But if he feels he can tell the OP what to do on something 40 years away, what makes you think he isn’t doing the same with stuff happening right now? Like telling her what sort trainers are acceptable or not?

Its symptomatic of his general view on the OP age his feeling that he can tell her what to do.
Whether it’s 40 years away or now doesn’t matter,

Maybe head off before it happens then?

What’s it to do with him??! I stopped dyeing my hair soon after 50. I get so many compliments (it’s cut well, thick and totally grey), I’m 55. Low maintenance, low cost, no grey stripe 2-3 weeks after last dye. Do what you want to do.

Oh its trainers guy! I remember that thread. What a weird thing for him to say about your hair... did he say what he was planning on doing when his hair went grey? Like, what was the rest of the conversation like?

It was my husband who persuaded me to embrace the grey actually (previously I was dying it and the condition was really shit).

I love my grey streaks now, but it took some courage so I am grateful to him for giving me that reassurance - not trying to imply that it was his decision to make, mind!

For OP, I guess it depends on how her fella said it. If he is just expressing a preference than that's fair enough. I do invite my husband to give me his view on my hair, clothes etc - just as I would ask a friend, or my mom or daughter - I imagine lots of us consult our partners in a lighthearted way.

But if he said "I would not be happy" in a kind of sinister, threatening way, which is how I imagine it somehow but I hope wrongly, then obviously he is a bullying knob-end who needs to get over himself......

Late MIL was not allowed to go grey. FIL is controlling.

OP tell your husband he’s not allowed to go grey either and he can pay for your hairdresser appointments every 2 weeks to cover the grey roots when your hair starts to go grey.

After reading some of the OP's threads and the actions of her NVDH, I think that ship has sailed. And sunk.

NVDH??

@Nanaof1