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Relationships

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Husband doesn't want me to let my hair go grey when I'm older

134 replies

Orestesa · 25/01/2024 23:53

I am in my 30s. I was commenting to my husband about some aunts, in their late 60s and early 70s, who have gone fully grey. I think their grey hair looks great on them and they look really stylish. They wear colourful clothes that go well with grey.

I told my husband this, and said 'i hope I look like that when I'm older'.

Then he said he doesn't want me to go grey in my 70s and thinks i should dye it. I said he can't stop me. Then he said if I went fully grey, he wouldn't be happy about it.

How many husbands would object to their wife going grey in her 70s?

OP posts:
SofaViagra · 26/01/2024 04:56

At 70 though? I think he's unrealistix and immature. I can understand that it looks too aging at 50 and 40 but 70?!

Fox111 · 26/01/2024 05:07

It's great that you have a close relationship with your husband where you can comment on each without judgement. It not really relevant because it's going to happen in 40 years time but the idea that you can share everything with your other half is great.

Oblomov23 · 26/01/2024 05:14

Very few of us are blessed with actual good looks. A few go grey beautifully, and it's a lovely colour. Most of us it's just shit grey, and aging. What can you do? Bugger all.

Meadowfinch · 26/01/2024 05:47

Tell him you'll be extremely unhappy if he goes bald !

He's an immature prat. Hopefully by then, he'll have grown up a little.

viridiano · 26/01/2024 06:06

Then he said he doesn't want me to go grey in my 70s and thinks i should dye it. I said he can't stop me. Then he said if I went fully grey, he wouldn't be happy about it.

If I'd had this conversation with my husband, I would seriously be considering divorce. It is incredibly superficial and placing ridiculous expectations on you as a woman, not to mention just plain rude. It's up to you what you do with your hair/ appearance.

harerunner · 26/01/2024 06:08

PamelaParis · 25/01/2024 23:59

Mystic Pam says with that attitude you'll be divorced well before then so it's not something he'll have to worry about. Wink

If his comments are in any way typical, I reckon you're right.

xpc316e · 26/01/2024 06:08

My partner is starting to go grey and I have no problem with it whatsoever. My problem is that I think dyed hair that is grey at the roots looks awful. To avoid that look one can spend inordinate amounts of time faffing around with dye, or gracefully go grey and spend that time (and money) enjoying oneself.

PermanentTemporary · 26/01/2024 06:17

I do dye my hair. It always takes a bit of adjustment when friends go grey but it's not difficult and it's not my business. I've no doubt when you actually get there it'll be fine either way.

Can you just take it that he really loves the way you look now?

DeadButDelicious · 26/01/2024 06:18

It amazes me how some men seem to be totally surprised by natural aging processes. Like it's always such a shock that women get older.

Anyway, tell him he's not allowed to go bald and see how he likes those apples.

I for one plan to have all the rinses when I go properly grey, Mrs Slocombe will have nothing on me! Grin

stayathomer · 26/01/2024 06:24

my sister decided to go grey years ago, it aged her so so much and you could tell it kind of dragged her down, she didn’t bother putting eg the time into her hair she used to. A few of her friends and myself mentioned she should think about starting to dye it again and she did and honestly you could see the boost. Totally picked up her mh. You can say what you want about being controlling etc but letting your hair go grey can be a statement that you’re just worn out doing the things that kept you you. Maybe this isn’t that, but to jump onto ‘so controlling’ and people getting mad might not be necessary

Tinybrother · 26/01/2024 06:30

I’ve never dyed my hair and I have quite a lot of grey in my 30s, I’m not about to start now. I would see anyone who commented on that negatively as not worth spending time with. Don’t care what other people do with their hair.

Lollipopsicle · 26/01/2024 07:03

darkmodeera · 25/01/2024 23:59

Tell him you don't want him to turn into a grumpy, judgemental prick as he gets older.

Too late, I think! Grin

ErinAoife · 26/01/2024 07:22

Told him the same. He cannot go grey or bold he need to dye his hair and if he go bald he need to wear a wig.

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 26/01/2024 07:35

I was a strawberry blond for most of my life, but about 12 years ago my hair (my best feature by far) started to look duller no matter what treatments I used - up until that point I had hardly ever used any treatments on my hair, except for special occassions.

Then my MiL had a large 'significant' birthday party, and at that another old lady came and crouched down beside me and asked me what had happened to my glorious golden red hair! To be honest up until that point it hadn't struck me how dull my hair had become - I had quite a few unenviable things happening in my life at that time - I have no idea whether I said anything at all, or just stared at her with my mouth fallen open. I don't think that anyone else heard her, and I didn't recognise her. My DMiL had about 40 of her friends there that I didn't recognise, so I didn't even know if we had met before - presumably we had as she knew about my hair colour? After the party I told my husband that I was going to start colouring my hair, and why. He was absolutely furious with that woman, and told me my hair was still beautiful - it wasn't.

So for about 5 or 6 years I - my DH - coloured my hair, usually trying to make it as close to my original colour as possible, although I once went for a bright artificial red just for fun! Unfortunately, after 5 or 6 years, my disability had become so bad that I could no longer wait comfortably in my wherlchair for the length of time it took my husband to colour my hair. (When the old lady "crouched"down beside me at my DMiL's party all those years ago, it was because I was in a wheelchair, and as I didn't use to be confined to a wheelchair when I was younger, I'm a bit surprised that she didn't ask me why I no longer stood up, as my clothes hang so much nicer off me when I am standing). Actually, since being in a wheelchair I have put on a lot of weight, so I suppose that I'm lucky she didn't question me about that as well 🤭

After all of my artificially coloured hair had grown out, my DH knew I was still very unhappy with it, mainly because of it's muted colour, caused by having even more grey hairs. My DH got annoyed with that old lady again, but as neither of us knew who she was, he luckily couldn't go and have a moan at her.

Of course as I said, more of my grey hair had come in by then, but very slowly, so it was still making my hair look very unattractive. As I couldn't face having it coloured anymore I just had to put up with it (frankly my other worries far outweigh/ed the niggle with my hair). So now, today, after about another six years of my dull grey hair mixing in with my still browny red hair, my husband washed it for me, and when it dried out I found that I now have a lovely streak of bright silver hair 😁 If it all goes like that (sooner rather than later please) I will be a "very happy with my hair colour", old lady.

My DH has never made me feel bad about my hair colour or my weight, in fact he has always tried to make me feel better about myself. By the way, it is very rare for me to bring up anything about my looks, maybe once every few years if something triggers it.

@Orestesa If your DH is normally loving and supportive he will not mind at all about your hair colour when you are both older. If he already isn't a nice person, then you will hopefully not still be with him when your hair goes grey - in fact the colour change will probably be a lot slower if the stress caused by living with him is removed! I read some time ago that when people go grey overnight, it is usually because a severe shock has made all their older hair (and therefore still it's original colour) fall out, leaving them only with their new, stronger, grey hair - but of course that might be a total myth! I'm trying to send you lots of warm and positive energy OP 🥰

NoBinturongsHereMate · 26/01/2024 09:01

Fox111 · 26/01/2024 05:07

It's great that you have a close relationship with your husband where you can comment on each without judgement. It not really relevant because it's going to happen in 40 years time but the idea that you can share everything with your other half is great.

That was not 'commenting without judgement'. It was judgemental and controlling.

If you think that was a good conversation you need to raise your bar.

TeabySea · 26/01/2024 09:08

Passingthethyme · 26/01/2024 00:11

I'm sure most men wouldn't want their partners going grey ... or cutting their hair too short. They just don't tell you

But it's okay for men to do these things?
Grey hair on a man being perceived as "distinguished"; he becomes a 'silver fox'.

Nonsensical double standards.

I'm growing my colour out at the moment. DH has expressed no concern as he's not shallow enough to make judgements on women based on their hair color or length. He most certainly hasn't found it a turn-off.

PartTimePartyPooper · 26/01/2024 09:08

Nah, my dh values his life too much to make a daft statement like that!

My FIL died his hair until he was about 70 - his skin tone had changed and the silver fox look really suits him (he is 75 and very much still in shape,someone recently estimated his age at 60!)

I also had an aunt who would occasionally do outrageous things to her hair in her late 60s, think lilac and pink ombré on a longish bob. It looked amazing.

I’d ignore your dh, it’s hard to imagine your sexy 30-something wife as an older lady. He probably will change his mind.

Orestesa · 27/01/2024 00:25

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I may well decide to go grey well before I'm 70.

I'm not sure if he'll chill out about it though. A while back, he got annoyed about some trainers I wore to the airport (I posted about that), because he didn't like them. He said I needed to make more effort. So it seems the way I look can sometimes get to him.

OP posts:
NoBinturongsHereMate · 27/01/2024 00:30

That was him? Definitely a shallow, controlling arse.

Orestesa · 27/01/2024 00:30

I'm sorry @Itwasafterallallaboutme about the lady who made that stupid comment. Why would someone ever do that?? Your silver hair sounds amazing. It sounds like your DH is great and would never make the comment that mine did.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 27/01/2024 00:34

darkmodeera · 25/01/2024 23:59

Tell him you don't want him to turn into a grumpy, judgemental prick as he gets older.

Sounds like that ship may have sailed...

Motnight · 27/01/2024 00:39

Orestesa · 27/01/2024 00:25

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I may well decide to go grey well before I'm 70.

I'm not sure if he'll chill out about it though. A while back, he got annoyed about some trainers I wore to the airport (I posted about that), because he didn't like them. He said I needed to make more effort. So it seems the way I look can sometimes get to him.

I remember your previous thread, Op.

I think that you are waking up to a wider issue concerning your DH.

Jollyoldfruit · 27/01/2024 02:11

I remember the trainers at the airport thread.
@Orestesa also your dh won’t let your parents stay nearby at a coastal resort.
I’m getting old, 65, and over the years have met a few couples like yours.
Invariably dh and I or other friends will ask ourselves what a nice woman like you is doing being married to such an idiot.
Please don’t spend the rest of your life being a nice woman who has picked an arsehole for a dh and puts up with being treated like a child.

theresastormcoming · 27/01/2024 03:18

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Topseyt123 · 27/01/2024 03:32

I remember your trainers at the airport thread too.

Your husband is an arsehole. He sounds very mean and shallow.