Pregnant and DH doesn’t want to make any plans for when the baby is here

[NeedAdvice8]

I know, I probably should have known better but here’s my dilemma….

Whenever I tried to discuss arrangements for a baby prior to TTC, my DH got mildly upset/irritated and said that I’m not even pregnant yet, so why should we have to discuss childcare / mat leave / finances etc, and - in his words - worry about something that might never be relevant (I wouldn’t call it ‘worrying’, I call it planning). I obviously told him that I would like to have some security and know that I will be able to continue working at some point, and have money available while on mat leave. He then said that I know what kind of man he is and that he’d always support me in everything I want to do, so why should this change when we have the baby. He’s right about this, he’s doing more than his fair share at home and would go out of his way to make sure I have everything I want.

So I reluctantly agreed and put the topic to bed. We’re in our 40s so he’s right that a baby was only a vague possibility.

Well, now I am 6 weeks pregnant and I have approached the topic of sharing our thoughts about childcare again. He got irritated again and said that the baby isn’t here yet, so why do we need to worry about childcare. He wants to wait until baby is born and then work it out. Obviously I pointed out to him that this is not an option, that I’d have to let my work know when I’m 25 weeks for how long I want to be on maternity leave, and in case he doesn’t want to take time off, we’d need to book a nursery or childcare before baby is born (London - long waiting lists) for when I want to go back to work. It ended in a fight, he’s upset and blames me for opening up problems when we should enjoy the pregnancy. He also said - hopefully in anger - that because I work from home, we won’t need childcare anyway and I don’t need to worry about my maternity leave pay (I have none, different story), I can take two weeks holiday after the birth and then continue working while looking after the baby.

I see that this is bad. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m sure that most posts will be LTB, but I’m rather newly married and pregnant. If, God forbid, I lose this pregnancy, I would not try to have a child with him again, and after tonight’s conversation and his unwillingness to hear me out, and being absolutely unreasonable and immature in his views on what it means to look after a baby I’m seriously reconsidering the relationship. But because things are as they are, is there any way to salvage this? Was anyone in a similar situation and it did work out in the end? Although far from ideal, should I just make plans for whatever childcare arrangement suits me and leave him out of it, since he absolutely refuses to plan ahead?
Just to add, he wanted this child more than I did, and he generally doesn’t make plans for the future. He lives from one day to the next, I’m the one in our relationship who makes the plans, but he usually goes along with whatever I decide. I have my own savings and a well enough paid job, I could just about manage without his financial contribution.

He sounds scared more than anything. He maybe in a state of shock/denial and he's dealing with it badly. Finding out how he's really feeling and what's behind his behaviour is your best bet. Try reconnecting before anything else.

For those saying maybe he's worried and doesn't want to get his hopes up too soon, how do you square that with 'let's enjoy the pregnancy'? I get being worried; but when I'm busy protecting myself from the fear of future heartache I am not simultaneously managing to Enjoy This Special Time. I know we all contain multitudes, but still.

@FigAndOlive yes this is what I was getting at.
I was older (38) when I had my
first and even though she was a “good”ish baby it took until she was 5-6m for me to even be able to put on the facade of a functioning human…

Hold onto that flexible job, OP, it will be worth its weight in gold when the baby if here (congratulations BTW).

Sounds stressful. I’d put it to bed for 3 or 4 months and try again. Men often struggle to process the future with new babies until the pregnancy is much further along or even until LO arrives. You’re right to think carefully about your plans after the birth but you’re in a much better situation than most because you work from home. This means that you need a shorter childcare day than mums who have a commute and you have the option of getting a nanny or au pair to help with baby at your house for a few hours rather than being tied to a fixed nursery day or a childminders minimum hours. Realistically, and I say this with the experience of being an older mum after being a young mum, that first couple of years will hit you hard and you’ll be tired. Even ‘good’ babies who sleep well have episodes where they are demons overnight ( think teething, colds, endless upset tummies in winter etc) so if you can trim your hours while still affording to live and keeping your career going I’d strongly advise you to look into that.
i noticed when my youngest came along that his Dad was useless in terms of making decisions and planning and left it all to me, so i just got on with it. To balance it, i delegated many arbitrary tasks to him so i actually came off brilliantly out of the deal. I haven’t been inside a supermarket for 7 years, I do zero taxiing, he does all the school runs etc.
Not saying this works for everyone, it just did for us though.

This man is an idiot.

He hasn't a clue how babies work!

1. I'd wait until you are 13 weeks.
2. Start to research good nursery provisions, near you. Seek out recommendations from friends/colleagues.
3. Tell DH your workplace has a strict policy that people WFH cannot have a caring role also during working hours, so you can't care for the baby whilst WFH. Explain about back to back zoom meetings.
4. Tell DH expected nursery cost and that this money must come from a joint account. Work out how much more you will both need to contribute to cover cost.
5. He has a little time to get his head straight but if you are 6 months pregnant and he still refuses to be sensible I'd consider going it alone.

For those saying maybe he's worried and doesn't want to get his hopes up too soon, how do you square that with 'let's enjoy the pregnancy'?

Because it’s a kinder approach, he doesn’t want to say his doubts out loud, it’s incredibly insensitive to op to say such things, even if he thinks them privately, no one wants to be a negative Nelly at a time where you should be really optimistic, but sometimes that niggly feeling in the back of your brain won’t let you fully relax into it.

it may be the same for op, but her natural response is to go the other way and overplan/overanalyse everything to feel more in control of everything.

it doesn’t mean either is wrong or that they won’t be cracking parents, just that they have very different styles of coping/dealing with things.

honestly, I just couldn’t plan anything, and I would have been very opposed to someone trying to railroad me into making firm plans, especially during the first few months, I just really couldn’t shake the feeling it was tempting fate to plan so far ahead, luckily, without me having to explain all that my DH understood where I was coming from and didn’t try to make me do anything I wasn’t comfortable with.

Kindly, you’re 6 weeks. Very early days. Why would you discuss it before pregnancy, when that may never happen. No point making plans until baby is here safe and well. But if you’re not married, either get married or do not even consider reducing your income.

Clearly you’ve never had a loss. I hate this narrative that pregnancy should necessarily be enjoyed. For many it’s endured.

It’s a bit shit that you have to go through pregnancy and childbirth and he is only willing to pay for 50% of private care. That really doesn’t scream that he really wants the best for you. He sounds tight and he is very concerned about equal financial contribution and expects you to work full time and look after the baby rather than maternity leave. What will he be doing? Just going to work with no change to his life whatsoever?

My partner has kindly been given 6
weeks paid off from his boss who said to him that he will need it for the first baby as it’s such a change. I’m sure it’s a hard job and his boss is right, having 2 of us there for 6 weeks is going to be a massive weight off my shoulders. Then after those 6 weeks when he goes back to work I will be a SAHM.

I couldn’t imagine after 2 weeks doing it alone and working full time. Mums who do it without support and don’t need to get back to work I see as absolute superheroes.

Hes delusional.

What are you going to do if you struggle to work in pregnancy?! I went on mat at 25 weeks as I wasn’t coping. Some women quit their jobs because they’re not coping. Your husband sounds like he wouldn’t even care and would force you to work!!

Massive red flags all round. He sounds controlling.

Also offering to pay 50% for private medical is not being generous. If you have the money for private then him paying 50% is expected if private is the terms you wish for the birth of BOTH OF YOUR child.

I agree with your DH, far too early to get into deep planning about what you will do when the baby arrives. Like another poster I was a fairly old first time mother after many miscarriages for various reasons. I didn't really plan anything apart from telling work after a few months. Give him and yourself a few months and then talk about it again.

Plan as though you will be a single parent. Work out what financial support he would be obliged to give you in those circumstances and plan from there.Expect nothing more than the minimum from him, and wait and see if he does offer more. Then decide whether his offer is sufficient to make it worth your while continuing the relationship and make up for the stress of leaving you hanging now.

I’m grateful for the balanced views and advice here. I’ll give him a bit more time and will not push him for making plans right now, but I’ll also make sure that I have the childcare I need in place, so that I can return to work when I plan to.

To give your husband the benefit of the doubt (which I'm not sure he deserves) I had the most ridiculous notions about what was possible when looking after a small baby. When pregnant I somehow thought I would write a book on maternity leave after I'd had the baby [hollow laugh]

Wishing you the very best of luck with your pregnancy.

My latest loss, in a long line of losses, was less than three months ago. Two days after my 12 week scan had all been fine. Hence my having no trouble with the idea of being worried, and finding the idea of enjoying a pregnancy essentially incomprehensible.

Please wait until you have had a scan and see a strong heartbeat post 12 weeks before having any of these conversations or making any plans. Speaking from experience.

Planning child care six weeks into a high risk pregnancy is a bit bonkers !!
& by the sounds of it you’ve gone at it full steam ahead !
hes probably still getting used to the idea … let’s face it six weeks pregnant really only puts conception 4 weeks ago

everything he’s said, whilst spiteful is probably him getting used to the idea and trying to stop you running away with booking university accommodation and wedding venues for your unborn child!

get to the first scan. Independently explore some options for childcare if that’s where your head is now.

learn to drip feed them you partner, not bowl in with demands about decisions.

your feelings about how you parent may change during the course of your pregnancy and especially in the first few weeks/months of the baby being here.

there’s a balance between being prepared and being over prepared.

look at deposits you’d have to pay. Look at if they’re refundable. Maybe you can go for a few options and cancel within the right time period if you change your mind/circumstances change.

remember men need managing just like children do!! Start practicing! 😂

Go back to work after 2 weeks?
That is insane. I couldn't even walk after 2 weeks. I was in agony.
Also my baby slept a lot during the day but was awake most of the night.
There was no way I could concentrate on my job with so little sleep.

It's what plenty of self employed people ( myself included) have to do though. So maybe he knows others inthat situation

He wants you calm and looked after but he's only willing to tip up half the costs?

Wants you to start work again after 2 weeks of giving birth?

Think there is going to be many rows in your future with this person. I'd probably organise life as if he wasn't in it tbh. It sounds as if he's going to be a headache for a bit.

Good advice. I’d leave it now and tackle it after the 20 week scan. Then I’d make it clear what is happening . He’s a total idiot if he thinks you can work with no childcare.

If you want to, start contacting nurseries yourself. I did - I did the research, talking to people we knew who used nurseries and found out the fees.

But mine never thought I could work without childcare. Sounds like he needs to hear a midwife snorting in derision at his ‘plan’.

Dd1 is 6 months pregnant with her first and she's only now starting to plan things. She's a senior registrar (obsgynae) and knows how many things can go wrong and doesn't want to jinx anything. I definitely wouldn't do any planning before the 12 week scan.
My dh tool a lot of convincing to agree to have dc4 ( dc3 was born when I was 38) and I was 41 (42 when born) when he agreed. In retrospect I think he only said yes because he thought it was unlikely to happen!

Taking a different tack… maybe since you’re the planner usually, he’s expecting you to decide what you want to do after the baby is born. I would assume that he’s not planning to go part time or to take on a lot of childcare or basically change anything much in his working life ? So maybe he expects you to say what you want - 3 months off, 6 months off, or longer? Go back to work full time or part time? Are you planning to breastfeed - and for how long? What childcare options are available and how much will they cost? How will you share drop-offs / pick ups. Maybe work out what you want to do and go back to him with a plan, ready to negotiate.

they key thing to put in place, if you do the planning and he goes along with it, is that your financial arrangements change. You won’t be earning (much) for a while, so he will be taking on all the financial support of the family. Once you do go back to work, and baby has to go to childcare, you share the cost of that childcare proportionally depending on each of your incomes (assuming you don’t go all in with family money / shared finances). And all baby related costs come out of the joint account - not yours.

and it’s the same for all the other changes that are going to happen. Everything is going to change, mostly for you but definitely for him too. Fighting it just leads to misery, soo I’m totally with you on the planning side.

he’s delusion though, if he expects you to be able to wfh and care for a baby at the same time. Neither the baby or the work will benefit from that - and you be mad to try.

If you’re only 6 weeks then presumably you haven’t told anyone yet? Maybe once news gets out his siblings etc will set him straight on his more crazy idea. Lots of us assume we’ll be ‘better / more organised’ parents until we actually have children!