I know, I probably should have known better but here’s my dilemma….
Whenever I tried to discuss arrangements for a baby prior to TTC, my DH got mildly upset/irritated and said that I’m not even pregnant yet, so why should we have to discuss childcare / mat leave / finances etc, and - in his words - worry about something that might never be relevant (I wouldn’t call it ‘worrying’, I call it planning). I obviously told him that I would like to have some security and know that I will be able to continue working at some point, and have money available while on mat leave. He then said that I know what kind of man he is and that he’d always support me in everything I want to do, so why should this change when we have the baby. He’s right about this, he’s doing more than his fair share at home and would go out of his way to make sure I have everything I want.
So I reluctantly agreed and put the topic to bed. We’re in our 40s so he’s right that a baby was only a vague possibility.
Well, now I am 6 weeks pregnant and I have approached the topic of sharing our thoughts about childcare again. He got irritated again and said that the baby isn’t here yet, so why do we need to worry about childcare. He wants to wait until baby is born and then work it out. Obviously I pointed out to him that this is not an option, that I’d have to let my work know when I’m 25 weeks for how long I want to be on maternity leave, and in case he doesn’t want to take time off, we’d need to book a nursery or childcare before baby is born (London - long waiting lists) for when I want to go back to work. It ended in a fight, he’s upset and blames me for opening up problems when we should enjoy the pregnancy. He also said - hopefully in anger - that because I work from home, we won’t need childcare anyway and I don’t need to worry about my maternity leave pay (I have none, different story), I can take two weeks holiday after the birth and then continue working while looking after the baby.
I see that this is bad. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m sure that most posts will be LTB, but I’m rather newly married and pregnant. If, God forbid, I lose this pregnancy, I would not try to have a child with him again, and after tonight’s conversation and his unwillingness to hear me out, and being absolutely unreasonable and immature in his views on what it means to look after a baby I’m seriously reconsidering the relationship. But because things are as they are, is there any way to salvage this? Was anyone in a similar situation and it did work out in the end? Although far from ideal, should I just make plans for whatever childcare arrangement suits me and leave him out of it, since he absolutely refuses to plan ahead?
Just to add, he wanted this child more than I did, and he generally doesn’t make plans for the future. He lives from one day to the next, I’m the one in our relationship who makes the plans, but he usually goes along with whatever I decide. I have my own savings and a well enough paid job, I could just about manage without his financial contribution.