Pregnant and DH doesn’t want to make any plans for when the baby is here

[NeedAdvice8]

I know, I probably should have known better but here’s my dilemma….

Whenever I tried to discuss arrangements for a baby prior to TTC, my DH got mildly upset/irritated and said that I’m not even pregnant yet, so why should we have to discuss childcare / mat leave / finances etc, and - in his words - worry about something that might never be relevant (I wouldn’t call it ‘worrying’, I call it planning). I obviously told him that I would like to have some security and know that I will be able to continue working at some point, and have money available while on mat leave. He then said that I know what kind of man he is and that he’d always support me in everything I want to do, so why should this change when we have the baby. He’s right about this, he’s doing more than his fair share at home and would go out of his way to make sure I have everything I want.

So I reluctantly agreed and put the topic to bed. We’re in our 40s so he’s right that a baby was only a vague possibility.

Well, now I am 6 weeks pregnant and I have approached the topic of sharing our thoughts about childcare again. He got irritated again and said that the baby isn’t here yet, so why do we need to worry about childcare. He wants to wait until baby is born and then work it out. Obviously I pointed out to him that this is not an option, that I’d have to let my work know when I’m 25 weeks for how long I want to be on maternity leave, and in case he doesn’t want to take time off, we’d need to book a nursery or childcare before baby is born (London - long waiting lists) for when I want to go back to work. It ended in a fight, he’s upset and blames me for opening up problems when we should enjoy the pregnancy. He also said - hopefully in anger - that because I work from home, we won’t need childcare anyway and I don’t need to worry about my maternity leave pay (I have none, different story), I can take two weeks holiday after the birth and then continue working while looking after the baby.

I see that this is bad. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m sure that most posts will be LTB, but I’m rather newly married and pregnant. If, God forbid, I lose this pregnancy, I would not try to have a child with him again, and after tonight’s conversation and his unwillingness to hear me out, and being absolutely unreasonable and immature in his views on what it means to look after a baby I’m seriously reconsidering the relationship. But because things are as they are, is there any way to salvage this? Was anyone in a similar situation and it did work out in the end? Although far from ideal, should I just make plans for whatever childcare arrangement suits me and leave him out of it, since he absolutely refuses to plan ahead?
Just to add, he wanted this child more than I did, and he generally doesn’t make plans for the future. He lives from one day to the next, I’m the one in our relationship who makes the plans, but he usually goes along with whatever I decide. I have my own savings and a well enough paid job, I could just about manage without his financial contribution.

Where did you get this quote from? I birthed privately in 2021 and it was less than 13k!

I honestly think he’s just in a bit of a shock with the news and still processing it. Give him time, OP! If he really is a nice man like you described you two will find a way to make it work. My DH is laid back and I’m the planner and with a bit of compromise from both sides parenthood has been going great!

@FigAndOlive London hospitals for prenatal and ELCS fully inclusive
I was looking at all the usual suspects
Lindo wing Portland etc.

I am now really doubting myself 😅
Maybe it was less? I had about £25k in an isa I was willing to sacrifice!!!I And remember initially looking at fully private thinking 15-20k would cover it and when I did a full breakdown realised it absolutely wouldn't.
I recall doing the maths on the st thomas' semi private package and thinking it was really about £15k once all was said and done.

My point is more if you have 10s of thousands knocking about most problem would rather use that for mat leave... Vs a private birth and 4 weeks mat leave

You're going to have to make plans by yourself and tell him what's happening. This will be stressful and boring for you and generate discord in your relationship ask me how I know and you may well get fed up of being the only adult making decisions for your joint child and divorce the twat down the line ask me how I know this too so best of luck to you.

Im also a bit mystified by both your maternity leave provision and how the finances stack up if a private birth is an option but a nanny isn't?

I agree with you about it should be OK to discuss possible job changes with him any way you like. (I also think your wfh flexible job is gold dust, keep that one).

I think the question really is why on earth does he react so strongly to what are pretty normal conversations on the face ot it? Does he ever mention the baby? Is he happy to hear about pregnancy symptoms, are you talking about names? I do wonder like others if it's just not real to him yet, or if he has some kind of fear that is causing him to react that way. I do think you need to work out together how to communicate.

From experience ( your dh sounds like my ex) you’ll be doing this alone. Somethings need to be planned ahead of time - I’d just get on and do it anyway. He doesn’t get to complain later on if he’s not engaged now
men like this don’t change (they get worse.)

As for working from home with a tiny baby - you won’t be able to - babies take up a lot of time and energy I’d imagine your employer would say no to that Have you checked your contract? I think you both have a massive shock when baby arrives

Honestly you and your child deserve better. LTB. I don't even know why you would actively choose to have a child with this man who shows zero interest in your child and any respect to you. Have higher standards, seriously.

There are things about your post that i recognise from my DH and situation and we're fine so try not to worry yet! Definitely wait until he's seen the baby at the first scan before making many commitments and plans as I do think it's more difficult for guys and even more difficult for guys that prefer to live in the moment. There are things you can do yourself in the meantime though to think through your options and preferences. Something I found extremely useful - DH paid a lot more attention to things his friends said or what he heard in the NCT class even though a lot of it I had researched and could have told him as well so maybe bear this in mind, get him a dad book to read and try and let him come to his own conclusions on certain things, or at least it's not you just telling him things.

At two weeks, you won’t know night from day. At two weeks, my most important task was remembering which boob I had last fed from in readiness for the next feed. I used to switch a hairband from one wrist to the other as a visual reminder. That’s where you’ll be at two weeks in, not making high-stakes client calls on Zoom. Your husband’s in La-la land.

This is truly worrying. I just don’t understand anyone who thinks you can look after a baby full time whilst working.

Op you must start investigating childcare whether he agrees or not. Otherwise I fear you are literally going to be left holding the baby and unable to complete your work!

This also makes me wonder if he is going to be helpful once the baby arrives.

When you mentioned about him liking to do better than his siblings is him offering to pay for you to give birth in a private hospital part of that?

btw take him up on it! I’ve read some appalling things about NHS maternity care lately!

My main worry is that having a baby literally turns your world upside down and creates pressures on the strongest of couples. This man seems to have you walking in egg shells already regarding something as simple as childcare!

Take it from me op you’ll need childcare, find it and present him with half of the monthly cost so he knows in advance what he is going to pay.

Also think about your maternity leave, work out how much you will get paid and come to an agreement over how much you will contribute during those months off.

Many women on here have not done that, then they find themselves having a baby with someone, who has expected them to pay for themselves during maternity - the woman ends up burning through her savings and the resentment sets in.

If his line is "he’d always support me in everything I want to do" then I'd be inclined to ask him how come listening to you and engaging in the planning that makes you feel secure isn't part of that?

I also want to add I don’t think private birth is an option if you start to develop any complications as far as I know.
I had my son at 39 last year. Was doing well until I got high blood pressure in the second trimester. Had to be monitored in hospital every week/every second week from then on.

My partner said the same when I was pregnant that I could maybe do some work at home on a laptop once baby was born. I laughed and then whenever it came up in conversation whilst pregnant with friends and family, they would laugh at him and tell him he was in for a shock. He soon got the idea when he realised people were calling him naive and he never ever suggested it again haha

Although my partner didn't mean it in a firm 'go back to work' way, my partner will do anything for anyone even if it makes life harder for himself so he was trying to think of ideas to help because I was worrying about work struggling without me😂

I’ve seen people quite £25k, though they weren’t using the Lindo. And that was for vaginal birth, I expect a c-section costs more (£60k probably not far off, honestly).

OP, if he will pay that, you’d be much better putting the money towards childcare or maternity leave funds for you.

This does not sound like a caring man, who would leave you struggling financially or going back to work two weeks post partum because you don’t have any maternity pay, but who wants the bragging rights of a private hospital birth.

Consider your options now as a matter of urgency. Consider EVERY option from abortion to staying with this man knowing he is going to give you ZERO support.

Can you manage as a single parent? do you want to? Even if you leave and become a single parent, this man isn't going to 50/50 is he? you will still be tied to him forever.

It is really tough, but here you are. good luck

You don't need to plan ahead like it's a military operation, just saying lol.

I'm 24 weeks pregnant and have only just decided when I'll go on mat leave, I know I'll be going back to work and will need a nursery, but no idea yet what my hours will be each week as I simply haven't planned that far ahead tbh. Why would you not get maternity pay? If you're not entitled to maternity pay then you will be entitled to maternity allowance anyway.

I don't think men do think about these things like we do, it doesn't often become real to them until baby is here. My DP certainly hasn't really thought about this, even I can't fathom the idea of booking a nursery place whilst I'm still pregnant lol.

hence he wants you to work 2 weeks after you had the baby. As a matter of extreme urgency you need to get his ideas on finances while you are on ML into line with yours.

Whether OP needs to book nursery now depends on how much may leave she is taking - if she takes the full year, then no she likely doesn’t need to book it before the baby arrives, even in fairly high-demand areas.

If she is going back at 3 or 6 months, then yes she does need to get on the waiting list while she is still pregnant, given the scarcity of places for tiny babies. You aren’t going to find a space for a three month old baby with two months’ notice, and I’m not sure you’ll find a space for a six month old with less than five months’ notice in many areas.

Can you afford not to work for 6 month/ a year? Think about what you could manage financially. Then put baby down for a few nurseries near by just in case for when that time ends. I don’t agree with a previous poster that you can wait until baby is born. In my area the time to apply for nurseries is after the 12 week scan. I would do it without talking to him further about it and then you’ll know it is sorted. In my area putting a name down doesn’t cost anything or costs something like £100 until a couple of months before the space starts. You can then cancel nearer the time or push the date back if he takes some time off work when you go back to work.

because I work from home, we won’t need childcare anyway and I don’t need to worry about my maternity leave pay (I have none, different story), I can take two weeks holiday after the birth and then continue working while looking after the baby.

I did this becuase I worked for my husband. It very nearly killed me. I was also responsible for all the household chores becuase I was home all day. Took me 18 months of pain to recover from my c section.
Don't be me. Tell him if he won't participate in the conversation you'll just do what's best for you and baby and if he doesn't pull his weight when baby comes, ditch the deadweight. My life becuase substantially easier as a single mother, it's not always easier with a partner.

He won't talk about childcare until the baby is here. So what does he think will happen. You'll have the baby and then talk about mat leave, childcare etc. what idiot thinks you can look after a baby and work from home!

Tbh I'd just tell him what's happening and sort it.

Tell him what he needs to contribute towards whisky you're on mat leave (do not pay for it yourself, he needs to cover any loss in earnings)
Give him a set amount he needs to start to put into a joint savings account for baby stuff

I'm afraid it looks like you'll be on your own with this. I'd start sorting stuff when you feel it's appropriate and simply tell him what's happening. Hopefully he'll realise that he has no input and start to take an interest.

I guess he's going to start discussing a name when the baby is born!

I think he is being very naive about the work element but I also wonder if he's thinking 'it's 6 weeks' and is scared to talk/jinx things as it's such early days? I would give him some breathing space until at least 12 weeks and then hopefully his attitude to the whole pregnancy may be more positive. If not, then you still have time to work out what the considerations are re maternity leave, work, nanny, etc.

Ohhhh I see, that makes much more sense! From the way OP mentioned it seemed like just the birth itself would be private, so this sum felt bizarre to me 😬 I am pregnant again and also going private this time and 15k is also the number I’m getting too. However, I agree with you if money is so tight it makes much more sense to at least take as much maternity leave as those 15k would allow her, I had one of those newborn that screamed and cried 24/7 for the first 3 months and there’s no way in hell I’d be able to even type an email, let alone work FT! I just really think her DH is just saying random stuff without thinking it through properly, if he’s reasonable and nice as OP states, there’s hope!

Have you tried to explore with him how he’s feeling about things, though?

it’s not uncommon for either mother or father to be shocked and scared when there is a pregnancy, no matter how much it was wanted before.

and it’s pretty common to not be able to think PAST the pregnancy to actual baby.

i couldn’t, really, i was very focused on the birth and even during it when a midwife said ‘I can see your baby’s head!’ My thought in response was ‘that’s weird, who’s baby?’

it’s also pretty common for one partner to be a planner and the other not.

i hated that my DP spent most of his two week’s paternity putting the baby down for nurseries she would start for at least a year rather than spending time with us

but sounds like you would have loved it!

it sounds like some of this is going on. If he’s up for private birth - which is often £20k in London - it sounds like money is around

and given you are both early 40s it’s not surprising he’s even more shocked and / or wondering about the outlook. Nothing is guaranteed until the baby is safely here.

find a different way to talk to him before you panic

At this point you are not going to be any better off financially if you leave him.

stay, see how it pans out. If he really is a shit leave him once the baby is here and get a good lawyer

why don’t you just put your name on the nursery waiting lists? I don’t understand why that needs to be a joint decision. It probably just needs to be more real for him. I’d get on with making whatever plans you need to make although I don’t see how that can be so much at such an early stage.