Pregnant and DH doesn’t want to make any plans for when the baby is here

[NeedAdvice8]

I know, I probably should have known better but here’s my dilemma….

Whenever I tried to discuss arrangements for a baby prior to TTC, my DH got mildly upset/irritated and said that I’m not even pregnant yet, so why should we have to discuss childcare / mat leave / finances etc, and - in his words - worry about something that might never be relevant (I wouldn’t call it ‘worrying’, I call it planning). I obviously told him that I would like to have some security and know that I will be able to continue working at some point, and have money available while on mat leave. He then said that I know what kind of man he is and that he’d always support me in everything I want to do, so why should this change when we have the baby. He’s right about this, he’s doing more than his fair share at home and would go out of his way to make sure I have everything I want.

So I reluctantly agreed and put the topic to bed. We’re in our 40s so he’s right that a baby was only a vague possibility.

Well, now I am 6 weeks pregnant and I have approached the topic of sharing our thoughts about childcare again. He got irritated again and said that the baby isn’t here yet, so why do we need to worry about childcare. He wants to wait until baby is born and then work it out. Obviously I pointed out to him that this is not an option, that I’d have to let my work know when I’m 25 weeks for how long I want to be on maternity leave, and in case he doesn’t want to take time off, we’d need to book a nursery or childcare before baby is born (London - long waiting lists) for when I want to go back to work. It ended in a fight, he’s upset and blames me for opening up problems when we should enjoy the pregnancy. He also said - hopefully in anger - that because I work from home, we won’t need childcare anyway and I don’t need to worry about my maternity leave pay (I have none, different story), I can take two weeks holiday after the birth and then continue working while looking after the baby.

I see that this is bad. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m sure that most posts will be LTB, but I’m rather newly married and pregnant. If, God forbid, I lose this pregnancy, I would not try to have a child with him again, and after tonight’s conversation and his unwillingness to hear me out, and being absolutely unreasonable and immature in his views on what it means to look after a baby I’m seriously reconsidering the relationship. But because things are as they are, is there any way to salvage this? Was anyone in a similar situation and it did work out in the end? Although far from ideal, should I just make plans for whatever childcare arrangement suits me and leave him out of it, since he absolutely refuses to plan ahead?
Just to add, he wanted this child more than I did, and he generally doesn’t make plans for the future. He lives from one day to the next, I’m the one in our relationship who makes the plans, but he usually goes along with whatever I decide. I have my own savings and a well enough paid job, I could just about manage without his financial contribution.

He thinks you can go back to work after 2 weeks whilst looking after a newborn?

Oh, there's a keeper...

Are you saying he thinks you don't need a year maternity and can just go back after 2 weeks? Or does he mean after maternity leave? It's not even legal to go back within 6 weeks and unusual until at least 6 months.

Figure out in your own head how much time you want to take off, save money for your maternity leave. Leve him to fill the gap for bills in joint account.
Have a look around for nurserys book a place if you like it.
Sounds to me he doesn't want to plan things so you might as well do it yourself and he can go along with it.
Can't have baby or child in house while working. In a way might be better get out of house for work to separate work and home life. But guess that just because no wfh when I had babies and I liked getting into office for adult company.

Newborn?? 24/7 feeds, nappy changing, burping the baby after each feed. Cleaning bottles. If you're breastfeeding pain from the breasts. Sterilising bottles etc. No sleep. How can you possibly work from home on top of all this???

So based on this you may be able to work from home and go back to work without having to think about childcare right this second? I went back after 2 weeks, working from home and DH took three bouts of shared parental leave. My job was 100% flexible and his wasn't so it made sense for him to take the leave. when he went back to work I just worked around his hours, (still do three years later!) or with baby in my lap while I worked, it may not be the solution for you, but you don't need to decide childcare right this second.

To be honest OP, with kindness, I'd find you wanting to plan everything out the way you are really exhausting, I had our baby at 40 and I didn't want to plan anything as I felt it was tempting fate, she was a surprise after trying for years and I was half expecting things to go wrong somewhere along the way, so if my DH had started trying to hash out a definitive 'plan' about childcare and working etc and wouldn't let it drop it would have really got on my nerves.

So while we bought the bare minimum and planned loosely, I just couldn't bring myself to get excited about it until she was here with us, it sounds silly now but she wasn't a tangible thing to me until I'd seen her and she was okay, I'm quite pragmatic and it was a way of protecting myself I think, almost like the more I planned and got excited the more heartbroken I would be if it didn't pan out, it's a very sensitive subject but your DH may feel the same, especially as he isn't the one carrying the baby, it doesn't mean he doesn't care, you obviously just have really different mindsets about what is and isn't important to plan for.

If you trust what he says about looking after you, he let's you have whatever you want, he does more than his fair share at home, and you think he's a good husband why are you doubting what he is saying?

OP, make your plans according to your preferences. He knows nothing about babies anyway.

Decide how long you want on maternity leave, start checking out childminders or nurseries, and then tell him, at 12 weeks, how it is going to be. He can have input at that point if he wants to.

As for working while looking after dc, a lot of work contracts specifically preclude this. He needs to get real. My ds was 11 before he would let me work uninterrupted, and even then he was constantly demanding snacks from the sidelines.

Do you think he has this approach because he's worried something might happen. I was in complete denial about my baby and wouldn't talk about it or plan anything for this reason. It was my partner wanting to plan shop and pack a hospital bag. My head was firmly in the sand (like your husband) he was the opposite and took your approach.

Hi OP, I know some Mums who are reluctant to make any plans until after the 1st trimester/scan, because they don't want to get their hopes up till things are a bit further along. So maybe that's how he's feeling?

During the pregnancy phase, my husband was also quite clueless things. But once the baby got here, he's been super involved and hands on Dad. He's always been supportive of me and did his fair share of house work pre-baby , just like you describe your husband, so it shouldn't have been a surprise that he continued to do his fair share of work after the baby arrived. I hope that will be the case for you as well.

You mentioned the comment about working with a new born could have just been said in anger in the heat of the discussion. And maybe it's just that?

There are lot of things that you need to plan in advance for when you have a baby. But equally, there will also be things that you never anticipated. So I think being a couple where one person's strength is planning and thinking ahead and another person's strength is growing and adapting with the flow can be a good balance. (I'm not saying that all planning should be left to one person btw!)

With a kid in the picture there is an endless list of topics that Mum and Dad will need to discuss and agree on - sleep, breastfeeding, how to handle certain behaviours, school etc etc. imho the red flag in this situation is that you both can’t disagree/debate without it escalating into a full blown argument.

He lives from one day to the next, I’m the one in our relationship who makes the plans, but he usually goes along with whatever I decide

DH is like this so… I just do what I want to do, and tell him about it later.

Decide how much maternity leave you want to take, and tell him later. View nurseries, and tell him which ones you’ve put your name down for later. Obviously you can’t work from home with a newborn, so don’t even entertain that. Just do whatever you want, and tell him he forfeited his right to have any input when he refused to discuss it, and the decision is closed now.

I will not say this leads to no friction in my relationship with DH, but less friction than if we never did anything because he won’t discuss or decide anything. And on the plus side, if there is anything I don’t want to do, I just don’t organise it, knowing there’s no way DH ever will.

If he knows better, tell him that's absolutely fine. When the baby's born, he can be the one trying to juggle a heavy-duty job with looking after a two week old baby.

Or can you borrow anyone's young baby and put him in charge for a few hours to see how he copes? Obviously with you or the child's parent in the background to keep the child safe.

Book a nursery that suits you if he’s refusing to have a conversation. I booked our daughter into one when I was ten weeks pregnant.

Take as long off for maternity as you feel you need - from what you’ve said he will support you (eg making sure you have all you need) but he just seems a bit silly and naive to it all atm. Once baby is here I’m the reality should hit him.

In the meantime can you book an antenatal class or similar to try wake him up to the realities of having a baby? Maybe if someone else says it too he’ll understand.

Hes ridiculous thinking you can wfh and look after a baby.

Yes I am going with this also. You’re 6 weeks pregnant. It’s a long road and you must have only just found out/ told him last week or so? It sounds like he’s having an existential crisis. It’s a big moment. Just chill for now. You don’t need to make mat leave decisions - you don’t know how you will feel. Keep your current flexible job and enjoy 😊

Why not get some practice in now? Set your alarm to go off several times during the night. Stay awake for a bit each time, then go back to sleep. Repeat till morning. Then wfh. Stop what you are doing every so often, then go back to what you were doing. Also, fit in any chores you currently do. Do a few more washloads each week, just to get an inkling of what the future holds.

Obviously I am not serious here. But if you did, it would give you about 20% or so of the feeling of exhaustion you are likely to feel until the baby sleeps through/longer than 5 hours (varies according to baby, and you never know what you are going to get!)

And rule no 1: never birth private!

Unless it’s a private wing of an nhs hospital.

Congrats and Goodluck 😊

PS I agree with enjoying your pregnancy. All the best!

He's out of his mind.

You need to just crack on and make plans anyway.

You need to find a daycare place, there ain't no way you're WFH with a small baby.

I think he's definitely at the extreme end of the 'head in the sand' spectrum, but some men find it difficult to fully appreciate what will happen to their lives once we become fathers (could be because our bodies don't change, so post birth the shift is very sudden). I know I certainly had my head in there to a certain extent before my first was born. Could you perhaps ask one of your (or better, his) male relatives to chat to him about it? It might be easier for him to relate. Because I agree with PP, right now he is holding positions ('you can WFH and watch a newborn') that are not based in reality

Co-parenting with this man will be a nightmare. He’ll want the final say but none of the responsibilities. TTC blinkers and your age have got you here. Start planning and accept that you chose to marry and have a child with a man who thinks that his is the only voice worth listening to.

Baby stuff aside, you say he seems incapable of planning ahead (what does he do for work???) but you still married him.

If he is so good with other stuff that he is worth keeping, I would say firmly that you are a planner, you will plan and that the plan is the way life is going to be unless something huge makes changing the plan the right thing to do. He needs to let your plans be the life he lives.

Then I would make my plans, prepare for the worst, hope for the best and get on with life. If his idea of living is not for you, you have big thinking to do and you need to do it fast.

men are inherently selfish.

it will get worse when baby arrives. Just make your own plans! please don't rely on him.

Seek the support of your friends and family

Very succinctly put and i agree.
If you won't challenge it (Which you don't seem to want/be able to) you need to just crack on.

Very little sounds "lovely" about him and this unwillingness to accept life needs to change is something I see frequently in older first time fathers (generally 40+)

Fascinating you/he can fund private birth (when I looked in 2022 it was coming in at £50-65k) but don't seem to think taking a full year mat leave is viable due to poor Mat leave pay.
This 50/50 everything halfsies finance thing is also going to fuck you over massively long term but I'm guessing you already know that so make plans accordingly

Lots of good advice here.
I agree, sort things the way you want them and then let him know.
Congratulations

wfh with no childcare won’t happen but other than this, I do understand where he is coming from. A lot of people don’t want to make plans until after the 12 week scan and some people are wary of planning too much before the birth. Neither of you know how it will be when the baby arrives. Everyone I know changed their mind on length of maternity leave and type of childcare. My friends and I live in London and none of us signed up to nursery prior to the birth so I don’t think you have to worry about waiting lists.

Plan as if you will be a lone parent.

I agreed with my work to work 2hours a day from home from when dd was 10-12 months because my work was desperate (my cover quit).

It was the most hellish two months of my life. I didn't get any work done but somehow at the same time I couldn't look after dd. It was the worst of both worlds.

At two weeks old you will be getting very little sleep. You'll only just be beginning to physically recover. If you have a c section, recovery might be a long was off. There were days when dd was 2 weeks old when dh would leave at 8am for work and when he got back at 7.30 I'd give dd to him as quickly as possible because I'd been so busy whirling around after her that I hadn't even had a chance to pee all day. I'm not exaggerating.

I don't think he has a single clue, does he...