Parents subtle racism / discrimination

[Eva90]

I guess this is more of a rant than anything but I am just feeling so drained and would be grateful for any advice.

My parents (age 72 and 65) are unconscious racist.

I feel like every time I visit them I end up in a bad mood over something one or both of them has said that is discriminative. A few examples below:

Whilst watching the news (about certain crimes, stabbings etc) "I'm not racist but it always seems to be the [race] people"

Forever getting worked up on the topic of immigration/illegal immigrants and zero empathy towards them. Convinced they are taking all benefits.

Making comments how "no one is speaking English" on the train.

Telling a story and using race to describe people but in such a way that is like "the Indian nurse, but she's a lovely lady". Why wouldn't she be?

I call them out on it most of the time but it makes zero difference so sometimes I just ignore them but I can immediately feel myself wanting to leave. They are so ignorant to white privilege and systemic racism that they just get defensive if called out.

My husband's mum is actually foreign and they love her to bits, love telling everyone about her being from said country, and learning about her culture. They are your typical "I'm not racist I have a friend who is black, Indian, etc) but they often make ignorant racial comments.

I know it's a generational thing but I don't think that is an excuse for it. I cringe inside and actually feel anxious when my husband spends time with them as I know they will probably make some kind of comment at some point. They are only getting worse the more time they spend at home now retired, constantly watching the negative news and glued to their phones.

They also live in a very white area that is slowly become more multicultural and they don't like it.

It's such a shame as they are my parents who I love dearly, are kind hearted people but this makes me really dislike them and dislike spending time with them.

Can anyone relate

Their home culture is changing and they find that difficult. Many people struggle with change, especially in later years.

You should call them out, yes, but maybe try to understand that their education & experiences have been different from yours.

My parents have never shown any consideration for me ( or anyone else for that matter) they are always right and anyone with a different opinion is an idiot I am making sure not to be like that with my children they can have their opinions and we have a lot of discussions about everything I am teaching them from an early age

Racism is ugly and it is wrong, but in this instance I am not sure it is right or beneficial to anyone to keep challenging views.

For one thing, most people do tend to be a little more frank and less careful around immediate family both with what they say and how they say it. I don’t mean family parties should be full of offensive phrases or jokes but if someone holds a view that doesn’t totally align with a liberal narrative I don’t see it as my place, in that context, to correct them. It doesn’t actually change their view but it does turn what should be a nice visit into quite an exhausting one where people constantly feel the need to check what they say and can’t relax.

Think of any historical context where people could be held to account for opinions rather than actions, and it is quite a disturbing list. I’m obviously not suggesting you’re going to be subjecting your parents to some sort of mini Spanish Inquisition but I do believe the principle still stands. We can't start eroding individuals' rights to hold whatever opinions they want free of censure, or we're on a slippery slope to somewhere quite worrying.

I don’t believe educate should be a synonym for telling people why their beliefs are wrong and immoral. I genuinely don’t feel it will change your parents’ views and it will in all likelihood cause bad feelings and tensions.

I know it's a generational thing

You know wrong then. Neither I nor anyone else I know in our 60s, 70s or 80s are racist. It’s a person thing, not an age thing.

This..drives me nuts on this site when people write that! It hasn't been a 'generational' thing for a hell of a long time.
I hear racist twaddle from individuals a heck of a lot younger than me.

You’ve just described my parents exactly.

Though they aren’t white or British.

Sorry what I meant by this is that's what they have said in the past, as have some of my friends parents who hold similar views. As I said it's no excuse

My dad in particular has got worse the older he has got. He constantly watches GB News or reads the Daily Mail and genuinely believes they are unbiased and subjective sources of news. He is obsessed with immigration and anyone who dares to have a different opinion to him is a “lefty woke”. He just can’t see how he is being brainwashed to scapegoat the powerless.

I know it's a generational thing

Its not a generational thing. Its a racist thing.

No need to make this worse by exhibiting your own prejudice by being ageist.

I think the word you're looking for is 'Understanding'. 'Compassion' & 'empathy' to the bigoted and racist parents??? soon you'll be asking OP to roll out the red carpet and make them guests of honour at dinner.

Not at all convinced it's generational. My great grandparents were commited anti racists and they were born 100 years before me.

My ex-FIL was like this, lovely in many ways but a racist. So, not lovely at all because it ends up colouring everything. It's bloody hard to deal with, I've no idea what I'd do if it was my parents.

My uncle says things that are highly embarrassing. When he refers to anyone on TV or in general who isn't white, he has to add "that coloured man" into the conversation when it's pretty obvious who he means ("you know, that new fella who does Mastermind, the coloured chap"). It's irrelevant what colour Clive's face is, just tell me his name or what he does, I know who you mean! I now think he does it deliberately to piss me off because he said it last night watching TV, that "they're in everything now, game shows and the lot". This was Would I Lie To You and he was commenting on Romesh Ranganathan being on the Weakest Link (which IMO is 100% better with him even though I'm not a fan of him). He is on a lot of stuff, but the BBC get a flavour of the month person and flog them to death. Stacey Dooley is another one, Alex Scott, Paddy McGuinness.

My dad is exactly the same. Anyone on tele or in the media who isn’t a white, heterosexual male is simply a “box ticker”. God forbid they have actual talents or skills that make them employable, that thought doesn’t cross his mind. He and others his age/demographic genuinely believe the white, heterosexual male are now the victims of society and there is a “woke” agenda against them. Absolutely ludicrous.

It's not a generational thing. My parents are that age. They were students in the 60s, they have campaigned against and confronted racism and xenophobia for decades. My mum was heartbroken about Brexit and was mortified that people would see her age and assume she had voted for it.

It’s amazing how many ‘nice’ people are actually racist / sexist - some of my family too.

It’s not a bloody generational thing. Plenty of people my age are not racists and we marched against racism back in the day.

If you want to be ageist, where’s the activism with today’s youth? Signing online petitions doesn’t count!

Same here. Mum’s just 85, stepdad 78. They have no idea. Since Covid they barely go anywhere and mum has dementia now so it’s unlikely that they’ll offend anyone. So, I’ve given up now and keep my counsel.

I'm actually shocked at OP's assumptions with regard to age. My household 75/80 years old don't discriminate over race. We have Asian and African relatives by marriage and enjoy the cultural differences they bring to our family and our very white area.

My dad who was born well over a hundred years ago lived in a country for many years where he was the only white person, so I was brought up to see everyone as equal.

I haven't heard any discriminatory remarks by any of my age group and would think that OP's family are very much in a minority. I think it's really sad that they have this mindset.

Omg my MIL is the same. 'I met this lovely lady in the park, she was black. She had the sweetest dog'.
Why is the fact that she's black even in the conversation?!

I disagree.

I spent 128 days in a cardiac ward year before last. I'm in my 20s and 99% of the other patients were 65+

The majority of the fabulous nurses that cared for me and the other patients were Black or Asian.

I heard and had comments said to me DAILY from the older people (mixed ward, too) for example:

Where are the white nurses
In my day we wouldn't have had so many foreign nurses
Britains nursing has gone to pot (wtf does that even mean) and I know this was said in a racist way due to the racist comments this woman made before.
I can't understand a word any of these foreign nurses, can you?
Could you speak English please
These foreign nurses stealing our jobs
One patient moaning that curry was on the menu on a Sunday, wanting 'proper British food'
A patient moaning about how one of the nurses 'smelt foreign'
Asking where all the British nurses were
Is it only this ward that has all the foreign nurses.

I was desperately poorly in CCU but called out every single bullshitting comment made, no matter how old or ill they were. The comments were absolutely disgusting and the poor women (it was mainly women nurses) just took the comments and carried on.

It disgusted me.
Yes, all generations have racism. I'm in my 20s and I wouldn't have any racist in my company so I don't see on a day to day basis in my circle racism. If I did, I'd call them out on it.

But most of the racism I've seen in my life has been a generational thing. And most racism I've seen in real life, has been from the older generation.

I also had this too in hospital.

I saw the really lovely black doctor today. He was black but really nice.

Why the fuck does it even matter. Why bring race / skin colour into it.

I honestly despair. Having to reiterate that they were 'really nice' just because the doctor was black.

Can you confiscate the daily mail lol.

To be fair my MIL started a bit of this, some racist views around the time of the brexit referendum. My husband was so incensed he blocked the daily mail on her ipad and got her a subscription to the guardian. She’s not techie she couldn’t work out how to turn the block off so just read other stuff instead (sounds weird written down but the family are like that, they prank each other).

UNBELIEVABLY she has massively reduced / stopped the racism. She’s become more open to new views. My eldest has SEN and I saw her dealing with others in her community who had old school views (he just needs a slap) and bought books about his condition and so on.

Somehow proving my view that the mail is brain-poison and removing it is better for anyone’s mental health.

Not really relevant but the curry comment had me laughing because when I first arrived here and asked an English dude what British people ate he looked confused, paused, and then said ..'curry....?'
😂
DH's family love, love LOVE the stuff but sadly, not him.
The neighbours love my curry though.
Hahahaha

It's not a generational thing. It's a racist thing.