Parents subtle racism / discrimination

[Eva90]

I guess this is more of a rant than anything but I am just feeling so drained and would be grateful for any advice.

My parents (age 72 and 65) are unconscious racist.

I feel like every time I visit them I end up in a bad mood over something one or both of them has said that is discriminative. A few examples below:

Whilst watching the news (about certain crimes, stabbings etc) "I'm not racist but it always seems to be the [race] people"

Forever getting worked up on the topic of immigration/illegal immigrants and zero empathy towards them. Convinced they are taking all benefits.

Making comments how "no one is speaking English" on the train.

Telling a story and using race to describe people but in such a way that is like "the Indian nurse, but she's a lovely lady". Why wouldn't she be?

I call them out on it most of the time but it makes zero difference so sometimes I just ignore them but I can immediately feel myself wanting to leave. They are so ignorant to white privilege and systemic racism that they just get defensive if called out.

My husband's mum is actually foreign and they love her to bits, love telling everyone about her being from said country, and learning about her culture. They are your typical "I'm not racist I have a friend who is black, Indian, etc) but they often make ignorant racial comments.

I know it's a generational thing but I don't think that is an excuse for it. I cringe inside and actually feel anxious when my husband spends time with them as I know they will probably make some kind of comment at some point. They are only getting worse the more time they spend at home now retired, constantly watching the negative news and glued to their phones.

They also live in a very white area that is slowly become more multicultural and they don't like it.

It's such a shame as they are my parents who I love dearly, are kind hearted people but this makes me really dislike them and dislike spending time with them.

Can anyone relate

.

I do love and respect them and of course are entitled to their views, but when it comes to being racist yes, their comments and ignorance makes me dislike them at times, especially now I am married to someone who has a foreign parent.

yeah, I am in that club too, my elderly parents are very vocal about this too. Its uncomfortable but I am not going to change them, whatever I say.
My DC and I have spoken about their views many times and decided there is just nothing we can say to alter their narrow world view.

My brothers wife is foreign, from a country my DM moans about all of the time, and if I remind her were her daughter in law is from, she comes up with the funnies excuses. Its unforgivable. But like your parents mine are lovely people too.

Its tragic but my son said this was a generational thing, and although many are not racist in their 70's, too many are.

I get your frustration.

Yes my dad was like this, my mum is open to challenge and is working on her views and language.
I agree it's really frustrating x

Yeah, my parents are like this. I put up with the occasional dodgy comment for years, but eventually we had a full blown row, and some of the views they expressed were awful...worse than I had ever imagined they would be.

Since that row, I've gone NC (it's been 3 years). But the difference perhaps is that they're not "nice people", and our relationship has always been on shaky ground.

Then again, I struggle to see how genuinely nice people can hold these views.

It's so difficult isn't it, and I agree they won't be changed no matter what anyone says.

I just wish they would think before they open their mouth around me, or my husband.

Sounds like mine are they by any chance avid daily Mail readers

Yes they are lol!

Whilst it's not right by today's standards, maybe put yourself in their shoes in a generation's time when what you believe in is being pulled apart by youngsters who think they know better. It doesn't make them bad people. Just of their time - as you will be one day. So have compassion. You don't have to agree with them but you can recognise how they came to have these beliefs and empathise surely?

I'm 61 and not racist.
My dad would have been 100 this year. And not racist. Proactive ally in multicultural Sheffield in the 80s in fact.
The generational argument is not valid imo.
And they're consciously racist. Not unconsciously.
Really tough for you OP. All you can do is keep challenging.
My favourite is "the 2nd World War was because a racist man wanted to take over the World, and we fought against him!"
Makes them think.

I understand it was how they were brought up, just how they used to bring me up the same way. But it's never too late to accept being educated on these topics and try to change your views / opinions but they won't. It just comes across nasty to be honest but I don't pick them apart, as they don't listen anyway

I agree with you, I think they just prefer to tell themselves that they aren't because they aren't "extreme" racists. I have tried to explain to them before about white privilege and they just kept going on about how they have never been privileged because they grew up poor. They are completely miss the point I'm trying to make half the time and don't understand the injustices others face. It do realise it isn't everyone from that generation, but they do like to use that excuse.

Could’ve written this myself, OP. The delightful DM, Farage, Johnson and Brexit have really encouraged them out of their shells and the racism is out and proud. From voting Leave and then cursing the Spanish for withdrawing previous privileges, to avid FB posts about ‘the boat people’ it’s actually got difficult to talk now. My mum is consumed with it all (radicalised?) and has only recently stopped sending me racist shir links/FB posts/links.

Hate it

The generational thing is a very tedious excuse. Being mixed raced I have white and black elderly relatives and it’s only the white ones who hold racists views even though the black ones lived through horrendously racist times.
They're just not decent people unfortunately and I tolerate but don’t like them.

Mine no longer speak to me as reading the daily Mail and making dodgy comments about refugee turned out to be more important to them than their daughter and only grandchildren as I pulled them up on it and they’ve not spoken to us since

I have an uncle who is coming up for 66 and he's like this, embarrassing, always making remarks about the TV adverts too.

As a POC can I just applaud - for want of a better word - you and others on this thread who have confronted your family about prejudiced views.

I remember meeting a guy in America from West Virginia. He very casually told me his grandad used the N word and while it wasn’t a word he would use himself, I just felt uneasy he wasn’t remotely concerned about his Grandparents bigotry. I’ve always felt I can’t be close friends or in a relationship with anyone who can’t challenge their family in these situations.

OP you’re right, it’s not excuse. I knew so many elderly people, as a kid growing up in a predominantly white area in the 90s, who were not racist. Or even if they were they had the decency to hold their tongue.

The fact your parents can’t even give it a rest from all the daily mail stuff around you indicates their prejudice for others is taking priority over their consideration for you.

Even if they hold those opinions surely they could at least find it in them to bite your tongue around you and your husband? .

Oh nonsense! Im 63 and racism and xenophobia were considered extremely problematic in my youth—and in the youth of my parents, who are in their 90’s, racism, xenophobia, anti immigrant attitudes, and right wing politics were strongly associated with fascism, militarism, and the horrors of the second world war.

I agree that the excuse "it's a generational thing" is weak and patronising. Anti-racism isn't a modern phenomenon! My parents are that generation; they and their friends campaigned against the national front in the 70s. People campaigned against fascism in the 30s. Every generation has its racists and its anti-racists.

I would try not to focus on it. Your parents sound like nice people with some very ordinary human biases consistent with their age cohort.
The only certainty is that in 20 or 30 years, our children will be posting this exact thing (with different examples) about all of us who think we're exemplars of prosocial multicultural awareness and unbiased language.

My husband’s best line to my parents every time he saw the Daily Mail on their coffee table was ´the only paper to have supported Hiltler’ - it drove them mad 🤣

I think it is is present in varying degrees in most people. I am mixed race and once I had to.call my white mom.out for saying subtly racist. When i pointed it out she genuinely looked perplexed.

I know it's a generational thing

It's not though. My mum is in her late 70s and neither her or any of her friends of a similar age would dream of making comments like those quoted

Christ that's awful. My parents died in their 80s, would never have said any of that shit. Everyone knows that more people of colour are incarcerated largely because of racist policies. I would have to have less to do with them.

Can I come at it from a different angle. I am a foreigner I have never been discriminated or racially abused. What I hate about this country is a total indifference and ignorance about different cultures. I would love to hear an anecdote or a funny story about my culture but this is a complete taboo, 99% of people would judge this to be racist.