Panicking about finances post break up

[VespaBlue]

Hi, after years in a dysfunctional and deeply unhappy relationship, I finally told DP I want to separate. My fear has always been that in breaking up the relationship I am hurting the kids, my actions are selfish etc but over time I’ve come to realise that growing up in a home where parents can’t get along, show a lack of respect for one another - that is deeply harmful in itself.
We have two DCs (6&9) and he has shown very little interest in caring for them on a day to day basis. He is now saying he wants 50/50 custody which has come as a massive shock to me and would mean I wouldn’t receive any child maintenance from him. I am also tied up in knots about being away from the kids half the week, esp as I have done 99% of the caring since they were born. I am also concerned about his ability to parent to a decent standard half of the time.
We currently live in a rented property which he will stay in. I will look for a flat close by so schools, friends etc won’t be affected.
Since speaking with DP, a huge weight has lifted but I am panicking now about how I can survive financially. We live in London and I work as a teacher, but I am newly qualified and my take home pay is £2400 pcm. 2 bed flats locally go for £2k plus per month. I believe I may be entitled to some UC but is this a dead cert, or might they refuse my application? I have no savings and don’t own any property.
Apologies for the brain dump. I’m relieved to be at a point where I have finally spoken to DP and got the ball rolling but the 50/50 custody and lack of financial security are keeping me up at night. Any words of advice gratefully received.
Thank you

Are you getting any child benefit and your wages into your own account?
Dont worry, can you really see him having them 50%?

"We have two DCs (6&9) and he has shown very little interest in caring for them on a day to day basis. He is now saying he wants 50/50 custody which has come as a massive shock to me and would mean I wouldn’t receive any child maintenance from him".

I would seek legal advice asap because he is now getting nasty. I would also have a court ordered contact schedule drawn up, there should be no informal arrangement between you. He is also financially responsible for his children so I would pursue a maintenance claim against him. I am glad you've come to realise that it is better for the kids to see you both apart and happier than to be together and miserable. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents after all.

Why are you the one moving out?. Is the rental agreement in his sole name or is this a joint tenancy agreement?.

This nasty man is also using his children as a stick to further beat you with. These types always but always demand 50/50 custody but its all bluster again designed to hurt and or otherwise punish you by leaving him, he in his head is a perfect male specimen. If he for instance works full time then how is he going to manage half the week?. He'll likely farm them off to his parents or someone. He's not so much bothered about the kids so much as using them to punish you.

You would likely get some UC if paying high rent but only if you are classed as the main carer for the children. If he wants 50:50 I guess he may also want to claim the UC. you could claim for one child each.

Are you claiming child benefit? Would that be split 50/50 as well? Could you consider moving outside of London?

There is a big difference in actual 50/50 and "he will pick them up after work and drop them again in the morning"

Make sure he knows 50/50 mm eans, half of all mornings and afternoon pick ups. Half of all school holidays, half hospital/dentist and sick days.

You could maybe use you 50% child free evenings to tutor perhaps. Or earn money another way.

Suggest week with, week without first so he has to take full responsibility for everything for a whole week, every other week.

And get a solicitor.

Hi, thanks for all advice. My wages are paid into my own account, we don’t claim child benefit as DP earns too much and he won’t be eligible for any UC for this reason.
Really hoping to avoid solicitor due to expense and wanting to keep as amicable as possible for the children. Does anyone have experience of mediation? Hoping that might help…
Is there a foolproof way to check if I’d be eligible for UC? I know there are various websites but have heard they can be miles off.
Thanks everyone. Appreciate your advice.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I want to move out of current flat. Rent-wise- staying here or moving will be approx the same but I would prefer to have a fresh start after years in this flat.
If custody ends up being 50/50, is it still possible to make a claim for CM on the grounds that he earns significantly more than I do?

Does anyone here have experience of 50/50 custody? Can kids be OK moving between two homes if they’re well cared for in both and parents communicate well? Looking for best case scenarios..

I'd pretty much guarantee he doesn't quite understand how 50/50 works. You need to make it clear it's 50% of everything a child needs to be cared for, and paid for.

I'd list it all to him, and I bet he changed his mind!

@DumpedByText You’re right. I’ll do this.

50/50 will probably be better for you, allow you to destress after your teaching job a d have some " me" time. Agree it, and then if he's not actually serious he'll back pedal and you ll be able to claim some CM.

Depending on his earnings he might still have to pay towards child costs if there's a big disparity, have you looked at the calculator? My ex pays £250 per month and we do 60/40. If he does have them 50% of the time then you can work more and pay less for the school clubs, school dinners, after school clubs. You will get help with UC if rent is that astronomical. I earn £2700 and still get £200 towards rent because it's so expensive. I think there's some kind of scheme where you get paid UC if you work more than 30 hours to entice single parents back to full time hours. This is possibly what I get.

@gertrudemortimer Thanks. How do you organise the 60/40 time? Did the kids adjust Ok? (if you don’t mind me asking)

You can put details into a benefit calculator, you would likely need to estimate rent you would be paying. If you have savings over 16k you cannot claim UC, any savings over 6k will reduce your monthly amount.

Op -
… you may be able to claim some maintenance off him, even at 50/50 setup. Do file for child benefit now, because CMS wont even start on your claim unless you are receiving CB
… get onto looking for a flat. In London, you may struggle on that salary to get approved - so it may be that you’ll need to consider staying put while he gets a new place.
You should get some UC help with rent - but you’ll need a rental contract for that
…. do start a UC claim now. It takes forever to be processed and get anywhere. So - start now

As many fathers - they do often start off demanding 50/50. But then realise it’s not just half of the fun bits and back off.
You are early in the process - so it’ll take a while.

Finally - even without CM - you’ll need to agree with partner how you’ll be splitting kids expenses. Given disparity of income - what would it mean for clothes, shoes, activities, supplies, etc. It’s not an easy conversation - but it’s better to have an agreement of some sort upfront - rather than discussing individual expenses as they come up.

@jsku Good advice- thanks. The UC/rental thing is a problem because I can’t claim the housing bit of UC without a rental contract but I can’t get a rental contract without the UC. And I’m guessing there might be discrimination against tenants on UC, even if it is illegal. It all feels a bit impossible right now.

@jsku Do you know if I can start UC claim whilst living here on the grounds I’ll have moved out (hopefully) by the time it’s approved? I was assuming I’d need to wait until I’m the sole adult before I can apply.

You would need to find out the local housing allowance that you are eligible for in your area and find a rental within that price range if you can. Everyone on UC gets a rent element if you are renting but they only pay up to the LHA. Then the whole Uc award is reduced by earnings. Some landlords / letting agents may want a guarantor if your earnings are low. many don't want to rent to people on UC but I don't think you have to tell them. I don't think UC will tell a landlord you are claiming, the rent element is paid directly to you. Some local councils may be able to help with a deposit scheme whereby they lend you the deposit. When you make a UC claim it is paid in arrears but you can take a new claim advance to help pay rent.

To make a single UC claim whilst still living with him you need to make sure all finances are separate, you have separate bedrooms and generally are not living as a couple/ socializing together etc.

@VespaBlue it wouldn't work for other people but it does for us, ex met someone and had a baby and moved away from our city so he can't do weekdays as the distance is a bit too far. I work weekends so ex has ds Friday to Monday and I work 8:30-2:30 Monday - Friday so can pick up ds. If I'm off at the weekend I get ds and if ex is off during school holidays he gets ds for a bit longer. I'd like to give up my weekend job now but it's hard because ex can't do consecutive school days and ds would miss him a lot. I am lucky that ex is a brilliant dad and does so much with him. He still pisses me off but appreciate 50/50 with an uninterested parent is a very different scenario. My son likes spending time with both of us and he seems very happy. We split up when he was 4 and he's 7 now.

@Babyroobs Thanks. This is really
helpful.

That is exactly what I struggled with! I had to get a second job as I wasn't getting accepted for rentals. It's really really brutal as I found that professional couples without children were going for the same houses as me.

One thing to consider with 50/50 is set days of the week instead of whole weeks. Like you always have Monday/Tuesday and he always has Wed./ Thursday, then you alternate Fri. /Sat/Sun every week. This way your kids always see each parent every week and you can schedule tutoring or something to bump your income on set days of the week.

@gertrudemortimer This is exactly what I’m finding. A lot of the adverts even state ‘would suit a professional couple,’ which i take to mean, not for the likes of me!

Yes, it is fairly common now. From friends going through it, the advent of home working has enabled people to be around more when they would traditionally have been working long office hours (ie a lot of fathers).